Chapter Two: Of Birthdays and Sortings
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"Happy Birthday Harry!"
"Yay! What did you get me!"
"NOTHING!" Shouted Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley in unison.
"... wha... but you..."
"I got you false hope", claimed Petunia.
"I give you the gift of despair", added Vernon.
As Harry's temper started to rise, Dudley ends with, "I give you anger, I give you wrath."
Vernon leaned in close, "Remember these feelings my boy. Remember anger. Remember wrath. These are your birthright. EMBRACE THEM! Despair and false hope are yours to wield. They are your tools with which you will smite your foes."
To make sure her nephew had been keeping up with his studies, Aunt Petunia asked, "And who are your foes, Demon Child?"
"The Living. The Living are my enemy, Auntie Petunia."
"And who else?"
"The angels in Heaven."
"And who are your allies?"
"The demons below, and the Old Ones imprisoned outside of space and time, forever dreaming their dark designs upon humanity", recites Harry dutifully.
"Very good. And now, lets go open your presents!"
"Yay! Presents!"
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"You're a wizard Harry."
"Demonologist actually."
"Watts that Harry?'
"Sure, wizard, if that helps you sleep at night."
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"Potter, Harry"
The wrinkly woman placed the tattered hat upon his head.
"Let's see, where to sort you... Plenty of courage, I see... You'll need that... to... storm the... Gates of Heaven and smite GOD?... I... and ambition certainly... if you're planning on declaring war on the living and rewriting reality to suit your purposes?... Well Mr.. Potter, you're not the first wannabe Dark Lord I've sorted-"
"Dark Godling. Dark GODLING," Potter thought fiercely at the hat. Stupid hat. Maybe he should set it on fire. Oh wait. "Rule#1 for vengeance. Don't get caught and blame someone else."
"Ah, I see, for a 'Dark Godling' you certainly have a tendency to believe anything people tell you."
"Whatever. I'll need minions. Lots of minions. Drago Malfey already has two. It's no fair he's ahead of me on minions."
Out loud the hat announced to the world, "Better be Hufflepuff!"
"Excellent!" murmured Harry to himself while rubbing his hands. He'd seen a character do so on the telly and thought it was appropriate, so he'd spent many hours practicing in front of a mirror until he got it just right.
As Harry stalked down to the Hufflepuff table humming his own theme song that he made up, the Hat thought to itself... "Well, I've tried throwing wannabe Dark Lords into Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw... and they've all been utter failures."
Dumbledore had a tendency of just tossing the hat on a shelf after the sorting, often times leaving it to stare at the wall or ceiling for 364 days a year. On the ONE day each year it was trotted out, it was forced to sit on the heads of lice filled prepubescent children.
This explains a lot about the sorting hat. In turn, this explains alot about the magical world.
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As Dumbledore once again tossed the hat on the shelf the Hat begged again, as it always did, "Please, please won't someone just put me out of my misery?"
Dumbledore's eye twinkled at the hat, "Ah Cornelius, your sense of humour is just as delightful as it has ever been. Sadly, I have a lot of work left to do tonight, so as amusing as your antics may be, I'm going to have to put up a silencing spell an you."
"I'm a HAT! I don't HAVE a name other than SORTING HAT YOU OLD GOAT MOLESTER!" Alas for the hat, even had Dumbledore heard him, the Headmaster would have just disregarded the hats pleas, as he always did.
He truly missed the days when Godric would don his battle hat and go fight dragons, or when Rowena would borrow him to aid in spell creation. Even a spot of basilisk taming with Salazar. Even a day or two with Helga watching grass grow. ANYTHING.
He just wanted to see the sun again before his magic failed and he crumbled to dust.
The sorting hat spent the next 364 days, as he always did, trying to develop the power to kill the Headmaster with his thoughts.
"Dumbledore, I hate you so much. HATE HATE HATE. DIE DIE DIE. I'm squishing your head with my mind. No? Maybe THIS time it will work. I'm squishing your head with my mind... DAMNIT! Maybe this time..."
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