I'm saved by a sudden rapping on the door, the secret knocks that Hopper and the kids have made up so El knows who to let in. The only person who gets a pass is Joyce, and she usually just knocks and shouts through the door until she's let in. Mrs Byers tries, very hard, to keep up with everything but she's a single mom with two kids, one of which is a girlfriend stealing odd-ball and the other is a danger magnet. You can't help but forgive her for not being able to keep it all together.

El jumps up and the locks are sliding open on their own, and no matter how many times I've witnessed this, it's just so damn cool. She might be awkward and she might put me in an early grave, but she's pretty impressive and quite lovable. It's obvious that she has them - the boys, the Chief, Joyce and Nancy, wrapped around her finger. Part of me thinks it has to do with the whole saving-us-all thing, but I know that Nancy has a soft spot too because of Barb.

Bullshit. It's all bullshit. No, Steve, do not think of that fateful night when everything when slip-sliding down hill like a fucking avalanche. Nope, not gonna remember Nancy's drunken rant or her big eyes or the way her shirt clung wetly to her body as she told me how she really felt. Fucking hell, this day started so normally and now I want to put my head in the oven.

"Mike," Eleven says, her voice soft and breathy like he was her fucking savior and it had been years rather than hours since last she saw the scrawny, freckled kid. They embrace and then Dustin Henderson, my new shadow, is pushing past them into the cabin and rolling his eyes at me.

"Sup, Harrington?" We high-five and I pretend not to notice the careful kissing happening at the door, the way Mike holds El's face between his large hands and her own on his skinny waist. I'm about to break it up when they separate, all lovey-eyes and pink cheeks, and Dustin makes a graphic gagging sound I can't help but laugh at.

He's definitely the remedy for my stress this afternoon.

"What are you guys up to?" Mike asks after clearing his throat and taking El's hand. I get it, sort of - he found her, gave her a home, showed her about friendship. But really, El? Mike Wheeler? He's all weird angles and eye-rolls, his voice gets squeaky when he gets into heavy debate, and the shade this kid can throw is legendary. But, like I said, I get it - there's something about the Wheeler siblings that just kinda catches you unaware and flips your world around.

"Steve was telling me about sex."

The silence that envelops the cabin is thick enough to cut, and I feel the boys turn to gape at me. Eleven is just smiling and looking at us, happy to have her friends, completely oblivious to the shift in the atmosphere.

"You what -"

"Dude."

Mike looks torn between wanting to throttle me and dying of embarrassment (which, I'm right there with him on that one), and Dustin is so amused his dimples are showing and his eyes are all squinting.

"Sex is good. It feels good," Eleven says, paraphrasing and out of context making me look like a total perve. Dustin guffaws and slaps his knee, and Mike's eyes are bugging out of his face in shock. "But we can't sex until we can drive." Eleven has the gall to sound disappointed.

"What - why..."

"Listen," I say, standing up and putting up my hands in a 'don't blame me' or 'calm the fuck down' sort of gesture. If Mike is anything like Nancy, I'm going to receive a verbal lashing that will have me tucking my tail and running off to nurse my wounded ego. "She asked what sex was. I told her it's for people in love, older people in love, and that it's for making babies. That's it, I swear to God." Why does it feel like I'm defending myself to a parent? These kids are only fourteen and here I am, trying not to get in trouble.

What happened to me? King Steve, ruler of the school and pussy magnet? People used to respect me in the halls of Hawkins High. People used to want to hang out with me all the time, invite me to parties and pray I would show because I was cool.

Now I give sex talks to children and babysit for fun. The fuck is wrong with me?

"And for fun. Because it feels good." Eleven just had to add that bit, didn't she? I sigh and run my fingers through my hair while trying to think of something, anything, to save myself from this incredibly awkward conversation. Where's a portal to the Upside Down when a guy really needs one?

"You know, I don't think it's really appropriate for you to be telling El this stuff," Wheeler says with narrowed eyes and one clenched fist - the other hand is interlaced with El's hand and her big brown eyes gaze up at him searchingly. Poor kid can't catch a break.

I feel for her again, my demeanor softening, because apparently I am a pussy now, like Max says.

"Mike," Eleven says, tugging his hand and drawing his attention to her. There's so many unspoken words between the two, captured in a simple look, and I have to look away. Dustin looks like he hit the jackpot, watching my demise with a silly grin. "Why are you..." She trails off, searching for the right word, while I think about stealing one of the Miller Lites out of Hopper's fridge. He's going to kill me anyway, right? "Mad?"

"Sex is private. It's between two people who love each other, and I don't think Steve is the right person to be giving you this information." Wheeler's tone with El is always soft and gentle, explanatory, but not in a way that makes her feel stupid. I can tell because she swallows his remarks with a solid nod of her curly head. No one says anything, and Dustin tries to suppress his smile, turning to the television.

"El, we have to introduce you to some better television. This stuff is shit." Thank you, Dustin, for saving my neck. Again.

"Not shit." Eleven turns up her nose and pulls Mike to the couch beside her, which he does without protest. I can tell that his mind is trying to process everything we've just spoken about. He has the same look on his pasty, freckled face that he gets during DD or when we are fighting inter dimensional creatures.

Eleven and Dustin playfully bicker and I pretend to focus on the puzzle in the corner, giving them space and recovering from the interrogation. My heart rate is settling back to normal when Mike asks a question I hadn't even thought of.

"Where did you even hear about sex?"

Please, just let it go, I mentally beg. Can't we just watch Fraggle Rock in peace? Why are these kids so damn nosy?

Surprisingly, Eleven blushes and looks away from Mike, bottom lip disappearing under neat white teeth. She's terrible at hiding her emotions most of the time, but around Mike it's totally impossible for her. I feel my eyebrow arch curiously now, wondering as well.

"Friends don't lie," Dustin quips, their weird little mantra or slogan or whatever.

She chews her lip, big eyes nervous as they meet Wheeler's. Fingers toy with the hem of her incredibly dorky cut-off shorts - again, I would love to take her shopping and buy her age appropriate and flattering clothing - and she shrugs. Speaking slowly, because she's struggling with the words or just nervous, I'm not sure, El finally says, "I heard Mrs Byers saying that she missed it. I wanted to get it for her -"

Good Lord. Please, someone strike me down. I'm praying for monsters or Billy Hargrove to appear so I have literally anything else to think about. Joyce is kinda hot, in a Mom way, but thinking about her missing sex does nothing but make my afternoon stranger and more uncomfortable.

The boys seem equally disturbed and share a look before Mike pats Eleven on the knee.

"That's sweet. El. But we definitely can't get that for her." Mike is blushing so red that I'm worried he might pass out, while Dustin is dumbfounded, for once.

"Jesus Christ Steve, what did you tell her?" Dustin asks, turn between humor and horror as I stare at the puzzle pieces in front of me with growing embarrassment. This whole day is weird as hell and I feel like I'm lacking the skills to deal with it. How does Hopper do it? Maybe she saves this crap just for me.

"Well, can we get her an orgasm then?"

Eleven seems proud and a little hopeful and I feel like sinking into the floor. Dustin and Mike look equally awkward and then El just has to ask, "We can get her an orgasm? Steve didn't tell me about that yet."

When Mike shoots me a look over his shoulder, I can't tell if it's grateful or murderous, so I shrug and say, "This one is all you, bud."

Let him handle it. She is his girlfriend, after all. It's only appropriate.

based on the stellar response I received, I decided to throw together a quick update. From my phone. That's how much I love you guys. If you'd like, follow me on tumblr at elevenseggoobsession - and please, review! it makes me write faster :)