Chapter Soundtrack: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
...
The rain is pouring non-stop when I arrive home.
Checking the time on my watch, it's nearly 9:30. My clothes are soaking wet, including my socks and shoes, but I don't care.
I discard my clothing, not even bothering to put them into the hamper and hop into the shower.
The water is hot. My bare skin is numb. I can't feel anything but the water trying to soothe my ache that is deeply tugging at me. I can't help but think of Ana.
Oh, how I wish yesterday could've gone differently... Then, she would be here with me.
Soap, suds, steam and water can do little to wash away what I've done or how I feel. I never wanted this to happen. Is she safe out there?
The thought alone makes my confidence crumble. I don't care enough to wash myself. I let the water flow over my body.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I dry and put on my clothes. A black t-shirt, navy blue jeans and black socks.
Now what, Grey?
My piano. I contemplate whether I should play or night. Sitting down on the bench, I slowly trace the smoothness of the black and white keys. But nothing comes to mind. Think, Grey! You've learned tons of pieces. Still... nothing happens. I'm drawing a blank here. I've played for my pain, for many family and for Anastasia but I can't play for my loss.
"Damn it!" I exclaim, banging my fists the many keys which produces an out-of-tune chord. Covering my face with my hands, I sigh heavily, accepting defeat and stand up.
I make my way towards what was Ana's room and sit down on the bed. It's so hard to believe she was here yesterday. Even though she didn't sleep here much, the room looked and felt much more brighter and livelier.
Now it's empty... Just like you, Grey.
I've got to stop torturing myself. I leave the room and head to my office. Yes, working. That should be the distraction I need to take her of my mind.
I sit down and begin to work. Fifteen minutes pass by before I hear my stomach rumble and feel it constrict. Ah yes! Breakfast. "Good morning, Mr. Grey." Mrs. Jones greets me. I simply nod with a half-smile of my own. "What can I make you today?" She asks.
A glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee. Scrambled eggs sandwiched in French toast." I say plainly.
She nods and goes gathers the items. "Oh, and can you please bring it to my office?" Again, she nods, going about the task. I go back to my office and saunter into my chair, looking at my laptop. So many emails come and go.
Purchasing, shipping and catalogues of various items for Grey Enterprises. Emails to and from individual people. Companies too. All of which clutter my inbox. The ones that stand out the most are from Anastasia. I click and scroll through them, smiling.
What interesting conversations we would have.
Mrs. Jones emerges with a white tray of my breakfast and places it on my left. "Thank you, Gail." I say politely. I sip my coffee first, still scrolling through the emails. Funny. The only fond memory I have of coffee now is when I took Ana out after my photoshoot during my stay at the Heathman Hotel. How many weeks ago was that? Three and half? Maybe four? It feels longer than that. I turn my head to look out my window. The rain is ongoing and I have a ton of emails to work on but first... I eat.
...
Eight hours put into making phone calls and typing emails. Wow! I send the last email as my eyes set on my watch. 5:45 p.m. Can't believe I skipped lunch. A small snack, being a vine of grapes should do until dinner. Out of the corner of my eye, I take notice of some things on the far end of the dinner table. I inch closer and discover they're the items I bought, uh... well, "loned" to Ana.
The laptop, the Audi keys and the blackberry phone. I collect them and place them in my office beside my desk. This is as close as I am going to get to her now. She wanted to get close to you, Grey. The tables are turned.
Ugh! If these thoughts would just go away. I fish out my phone and scroll through my contacts to find Dr. Flynn's number. I tap 'call'. It rings three times before he picks up.
"Hello Christian." He answers.
I sigh before speaking. "Hey Flynn."
"Christian, what's wrong? Do you need to come in?" He asks.
"Not exactly." I rub the back of my neck. "I need to schedule an appointment."
"Sure. What date and time should I pencil you in?"
"Monday at 2:30 in the afternoon." I state clearly.
"Alright. I'll see you then, Christian." He hangs up.
Exasperated, I run my fingers through my hair. Gail suddenly comes into my office. She knocks on the doorframe to catch my attention.
"Mr. Grey?"
I look up. "Yes, Gail?"
"Is there anything you'd like to eat for dinner?"
"Chicken Alfredo and a glass of White Wine, please."
And off she goes.
While dinner is being prepared, I peer over my inbox and then proceed to read the newspaper.
I pick at my food. Even simply eating is now becoming a difficult task.
After dinner, I bid Gail and Taylor a 'Good night' and decide to read a book in my library.
I have this animus feeling. Like I will see Ana in my home, walking back to me. She'll be here with me... safe and sound.
Every corner I turn, every door I open, everytime I look in my peripheral vision.
Stop it, Grey! You're losing it. Get a grip. I snort.
Maybe it's the wine I had at dinner or the fact that I'm tired. I don't know which.
I sit and lose myself in the books. Like Ana would do.
It's a quarter past 8. I place a bookmark in the book and back on the shelf.
I decide to go to my room for a while and lie down to clear my head. Opening the door, I walk to and lie down, not caring to change my clothes. I lie on my side, facing the window and gaze at the drizzling down rain that is now lightly sprinkling by the looks of it.
Before I know it, I fall asleep instantly, unaware of the night terror that will soon follow.
...
He smokes as he stands over Mommy.
I watch from my room.
Mommy is sitting in the corner, hugging her knees.
She is shaking alot.
Mommy, are you cold?
He bends down so he is small like Mommy.
He yells in her ear.
Mommy covers her ears.
"FUCKING ANSWER ME, GODDAMN IT! WHERE IS IT?!"
He grabs Mommy's neck. Let her go. Please.
He hits Mommy and something red drips from her nose.
Mommy points somewhere then he walks away.
She is crying now.
I hear smashing. He comes back.
He says something about money.
Mommy looks at him again and he hits her again.
She falls to the floor. She goes still. She doesn't get back up.
He turns around and sees me. Oh no. Please, no.
No. No. No. Don't touch me! I back away but he grabs my shirt. Stop! NO!
I scream and cry for my Mommy.
Something burns my chest. It feels like fire!
...
"ANA!" I cry out from my nightmare. My arms and legs punching and kicking an invisible force. I wake up, panting heavily as if taking my last breath. Sticky and sweaty, I sit up and cradle my head in my hands. They're back... They can't be. They seems stronger than the ones before.
I clutch and rub my chest, then sigh in relief, making sure there's no pain, blood or other types of injury. Fuck! That cigarette felt so real. I look beside me at empty spot. Oh, Anastasia, I need you.
For a moment, I can just imagine her here. The light sound of her breathing. Not a twitch, not a spasm. Only movement is her chest slowly rising and falling. Looking so innocent, touchable and strong in some way. My Ana. Only mine.
Faint blue light covers the outside sky telling me it's still very early in the morning. Not after I dream those... 'things' will I sleep. I feel the need to play. I get up and make my way to the piano. The first melody that comes to mind is the Bach Marcello piece. I think Ana loves this piece. She only asked me to play it twice. The melody is simple, gentle, free sounding and it makes me wonder. I realize that I can now play. For my pain... for my Ana.
I play until I am calm and relaxed. Hmm. Maybe I should cancel my appointment with Flynn? Nah. I'm already paying the Doc enough as it is to listen to me. He's the only good therapist I've managed to find, let alone become one of my good friends.
Without warning, I accidentally hit a wrong note. "Shit!" Keep your focus, Grey!
I pick up the slow pace again from where I left off. Another mistake.
Two.
Three.
"Fuck!" As before, I can't play now. What the hell is happening to me? I try a different tactic. Making up my own melody as I go along, letting the music take control and fill the silence. It seems to go very smoothly. I play for a few more minutes before I decide enough is enough and head back to bed with hope that sleep will come peacefully.