Second chapter. Natalie's birth. I realized I didn't say this in the last chapter, but, of course, I do not own Next to Normal. This event is really open to interpretation. This is mine.
We Had Natalie, Too
"I Couldn't Let Myself Hold Her"
The months following Diana's outburst seemed to fly by. The indescribable happiness flourished once more. When Diana went into labor, the couple rushed into the car and sped to the hospital.
She looked out the car window and saw the sun just beginning to rise. It was gray, and it looked like it might rain, but there was still a glow of light from the sun. The windows were closed, but she could imagine the cool, wet air outside the racing Honda.
Dan quickly glanced at her, realizing she had not spoken for several minutes. She silently stared, looking straight forward. "Di, are you alright?"
Softly, with a heavy sadness, she said, "I remember this drive."
He said nothing in return. What could he say?
They reached the hospital and checked Diana into her room. While the nurses got her ready, Dan discovered that he had the same butterflies in his stomach as he had the first time. While he waited, he stood up, just to sit back down. He fidgeted like a small child forced to sit still for an extended period of time. He had just began to pace, when an annoyed glance from a nurse made him decide that he was really in the way. He excused himself from the room and continued pacing outside.
An older man, waiting outside another room, laughed at the nervous, pacing man. He smiled, "You seem nervous, son."
Dan returned the smile, "Well, I suppose I am."
"Your first child?"
"Actually, our second."
"This will be my third grandchild." The old man told him. Dan gave his congratulations. "How old is your first kid?" The old man asked.
"Well, he's..." Dan froze. The old man looked puzzled at Dan's now fallen face. Dan stepped back, "I should get back inside," and he reentered his wife's room.
After another half hour, the little girl, Natalie, came into the world. She let out an oddly musical cry, announcing herself to her parents and the world. Dan watched eagerly as the nurses cleaned and wrapped the baby. The nurse laughed as she finished wrapping Natalie, and turning to Dan, she asked, "Would you like to hold her?"
"Yes, please." Dan reached out and took his daughter into his arms. Rocking her back and forth, he cooed, soft words, "Hi sweetheart." "Good morning," and other nothings to the lovely child. He was so engrossed in the little girl, that he hardly noticed as the nurses exited.
He looked up at his wife. "Diana," his voice hitched in a small sob, "She's beautiful. Just beautiful." He sat in the chair next to the bed, to let Diana see her, but Diana was looking straight ahead, as she had in the car.
Her expression was blank, as she stared at the walls.
"Di?"
She turned toward he husband's voice. "Sorry. Did you say something?"
"Would you like to hold her?"
"Umm," Diana hesitated. Dan cocked his head to one side. When Gabriel had been born, she had a bright look on her face, and had kept begging to see and hold him, even before he had been washed. "Um, yes. I guess I do."
Her husband smiled and held the little bundle out to her. For a moment Diana held the child awkwardly in her hands. Suddenly, she set the baby down in her lap. She moved her hands away from the girl, which therefore provided no support for the baby's head or neck.
The baby let out a small cry, which caught Dan's attention. He had been looking outside, lost in a drizzly reverie. He turned around, completely confused by Diana's behavior.
"Diana, why aren't you holding her?"
Diana did not answer, and the little girl's crying got louder.
"Diana, you know how to hold her. What are you doing?"
Diana did not answer, and the little girl's crying got louder.
"Diana?"
Diana did not answer, and the little girl's crying got louder.
Dan screamed, "Diana, what's wrong with you?" to match the now screaming baby. He reached out and took the baby back into his arms. Turning away from his wife, he petted the little girl's hair and began to whisper to her again to calm her.
As soon as Dan took the girl away, Diana covered her face with her hands and began to cry. She had wanted to hold the baby. Really, she had. But for some reason she just couldn't. Some odd force kept her hands at her side and did not allow her to touch her baby girl. As Dan and Natalie had screamed, she screamed, too, on the inside. She couldn't hold her child. Either one.