The book returns to Bella's perspective. She isn't dead, by the way (unless she's a zombie). Bella has an injection of morphine so she isn't hurt transforming. When she wakes she feels a warm hand on her. Which isn't creepy at all. Edward now feels warm to her, cause they are both human freezers now. FYI. The Cullens are wary of Bella because as a newborn vampire she could fly off into a psychotic blood drinking rampage any second. Hey, being a vampire isn't all sunshine and buttercups. Not much sunshine at all, actually. With the whole burst into flames dilemma. Oh, wait, this is Twilight. They just sparkle.
Edward takes Bella on her first hunting trip. Aww, another one for the photo album. Before they leave Alice shows Bella her reflection, and Bella is now beautiful with red eyes. Uh, unrealistic body expectations may make others self-conscious. That's all I'm saying. Bella goes barefoot and casually jumps out the window, where she discovers as a vampire she is fast, agile, graceful and blah blah blah. She accidently crosses a human scent- will there be blood shed? Nah, cos she's Bella. She runs away from the scent which leaves Edward like ermagherd Bella because newborn vampires are supposed to have uncontrollable urges. Bella is now allowed to see her daughter because there is no risk of her going insane and drinking her daughter's blood. Which would be a bit of an awkward situation.
They discover Renesmee is growing abnormally fast, so the Cullens plus Bella don't have to deal with any of the nasty pukey baby business. Convenient. They discover Renesmees power- she can communicate without words. She's got some telepathy crap going on, but I think we all know its Occlumency and Legilimency. Yer a witch, Renesmee! Yeah sorry, it kind of all comes back to Harry Potter with me. Bella learns Jacob has imprinted on her daughter and she loses her schist. Thank god one of these characters reacted normally to Jacob having a crush on a baby, even if it was Bella. She tried to attack him but instead ends up attacking Seth who has his collarbone broken. Poor Seth- he's thrown back into the plot only to be thrown into A&E. Jacob had created the nickname Nessie for the kid. Wow, the Loch Ness monster. Way to get her bullied in school.
Esme buys Bella and Eddy a cottage. Esme personally designed and renovated it. Uh, that's nice I guess. Basically Bella and Edward have sex. For a long while. I'm talking cottage destroying sex here, but let's not go there. I don't wanna know about their vampire sex life. Meanwhile Renesmee has matured to the point where she can speak and walk and talk and whatever. Jacob imprinting on her means Sammy and his pack of were-dudes can no longer attack the vampire lot. Jacob and Sam agree to become co-existent alphas and Jacobs pack grows when Quil and Embry join. Jacob learns the Cullen's plan to move from Forks. Maybe to Knives or Spoons or a similarly named place. Jacob thinks that Charlie is the reason so he turns into a wolf in front of him. *facepalms*. I don't care if he's in emotional turmoil or some schist like that, methinks Jacob needs to stop making stupid decisions. Like, leave Charlie out of this, OK? Bella and Edward leave him out of everything. It's too late to include him into the plot, Jacob. Let it go. And you can always skype Bella if you miss her that much, like no need to drag her dad into this.
Jacob tells Charlie about Renesmee and Bella change –although he cleverly doesn't mention her vampirism. Cool plan Jacob *commence rolling of the eyes*. Bella is distraught, thinking her dad would now have to be turned into a vampire or killed. They decide not to tell Charlie any supernatural vampire stuff, so Charlie can continue to live his life. Yeah, continue to live his life always wondering what happened to his daughter. Because it's not like he has feelings or anything.
This peace continues to last until this vampire lady called Irina from the Danali clan comes along. She sees Renesmee spending good old quality time with Jacob and Bella and immediately thinks the Loch Ness Monster –I'm probably gonna mess you around by calling Renesmee the Loch Ness Monster- is an immortal vampire child and tells the Volturi. These vampire kids are pretty much what it says on the tin- immortal blood drinking kiddos. Except when they throw a tantrum they go on a blood drinking spree, compared to a normal kid who would just throw a couple of Lego bricks around. Not that lego bricks aren't evil, especially if you step on one of them. The Volturi made the immortal children's existence punishable by death.
Me: Could this mean… the Volturi are coming… to kill Bella, Edward Sparklehands and Jacob-Not- Sirius Black?
Aro: I have no idea who you are or where you've come from but, yes, that was the plan.
Me…
Me…
Me: OHMYGODTHANKYOUSOMUCHHEREISTHENOBELPEACEPRIZETHANKYOUUUUU! *throws Nobel Prize at them* OHHERETAKETHETRIWIZARDCUPTOO *throws Triwizard cup* HAHAHAREEEEVENGE *Pauses for oxygen* MWA HA HA HA HA
Aro: *mutters to Jane* Clearly this human possess some form of insanity. We should probably leave.
Me: *Does happy dance* TRA LA LA LA TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY TRA LA LA LA LA
Ahem. The Cullen's decide to find a bunch of people to prove The Loch Nessie Monster isn't an evil blood drinking psycho. This is the part of the book where so many characters are introduced there is only time to develop one or two of them. So if you see random names floating about, just go with it. Alice and Jasper suddenly leave the Cullens but not before leaving a note with Sam from the copyright page of Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, which is kinda cryptic. Like, texting would be too hard to do? The Sparkle-Vampires are weird. Because it was Bella's copy of the book she sees it as a sign from Alice. No, really? I just thought they decided to randomly leave a goodbye message in a random book.
Bella finds an address Alice has scrawled on one of the pages. Let's split up and look for clues, gang! Bet you the address is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bella discovers it leads to a house of this bloke called Jason Scott Jenkins –referred to as J. Jenks or J. Scott because why have one name when you can have two? Anyway J.S.J is a document forger. Bella arranges for fake documents to be made for Furryface and the Loch Ness Monster (Jacob and Renesmee). She comes up with the imaginative surname of Wolfe. Wow.
Now heres the tricky part, folks! About fifty –I may be rounding up- vampires turn up to be part of the We Swear Renesmee isn't Evil Squad. Have you gotten your badge yet?
Some of the vampires who I can remember are Garrett –patriotic American war hero from the 1800s- who hates the English. Garrett even hates the Beatles. It kind of annoys me- what about all the good things English people have done, like Maltesers and Doctor Who? Fight me immortal vampires *grabs rocket launcher*. Seriously thought, as an English person, I kind of wanted the Volturi to come along and murder these guys. Like, unfair judgement much? Sheesh.
Some other vampires are this dude from Egypt called Benjamin who can control all the elements –No, he's completely different to Aang, he hasn't got a flying bison for one thing- Tanya, this vampire lady from the same clan as Irina. And, uh, that's it. Three vampires. Considering I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, that's pretty good.
Bella discovers her magical mind powers from the other books –personally, I think Eddy couldn't read her mind because there was nothing there, but agree to disagree- means she can now create force fields.
And the Volturi have turned up with Irina to kill them all. YEEEEES LAD GO ON VOLTURI KILL HER KILL THEM ALL THIS MADNESS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. When I read it I was cheering for the Volturi all the way, sure a happy ending was only a few pages away…
Oh, how wrong I was. Just like An Inspector Calls, I was confused. Did capitalism murder Eva Smith? Is she even dead? Are there multiple Eva Smiths, just like there are multiple Clara Oswalds? Memories of a play I had to study in school aside, I was confused because the Volturi had been present for at least five seconds and Bella didn't seem to be dead yet. Come on Volturi! Go on lads! Go WILDCATS! Again, sorry. The Volturi discover they were misinformed and Caius immediately kills Irina. Finally, some proper vampire action! Vampires are evil creatures of the night, blah blah, not sparkly Tinkerbelle wannabies. Aro feels uncomfortable about the murder because of how many witnesses there are for it.
The Volturi are not satisfied to leave, wanting to see if Renesmee becomes a threat in the future. Unfortunately, Bella's gift ruins the Volturis main fighters- Alec, who can make smoke that cuts off people's senses and Jane who can cause a large amount of pain. Oh my God, Bella just let them kill you and end this insanity. Aro, Caius and Marcus –the three main heads of the Volturi- vote to see if Renesmee can live. And that's three no's Bella. You are through to the next round! The AFTERLIFE mwa ha ha!
Alice and Jasper conveniently return with another half vampire, Nahuel. They couldn't tell the Cullen's because plot reasons. They're all like, look at this guy, he's pretty chill. Guess this means Renesmee is pretty chill too. Aro gives up and leaves with the Volturi, probably as sick with these sparkle-vampires as I am. But before leaving they reveal the werewolves are… SHAPE SHIFTERS. Well, duh. Remus Lupin is a werewolf. Jacob Black is a puppy with relationship issues *Cough* liking a baby *Cough*.
Yeah, so anticlimactic doesn't begin to cover it. After Bella and Edward have the `Yay we defeated the bad guys` party they take Renesmee back home. Bella tells Edward she wants to try something and lowers her mind shield. She conjures up all the special memories she wants to share with him- stuff like, aw, look when you used to watch me sleep! And when we ripped that animal apart and drank its blood! Oh look there's the steroid baby bursting out of me. Yeah, we never did get those blood stains out of the carpet.
She says she only has forever to perfect it. Like, no. You didn't think this whole transformation thing through did you Bella? What about when all your family and friends are dead? You and Edward will never grow old together. You won't age at all. You will be young and beautiful forever and everything will be so perfect until one day you realize you're so lonely, and you can't change it. And she knew Edward for less than a year, not including her depressive stage. You know what, Bella really hasn't take anything into account. Sure, she's happy now, but what about in a hundred years when Charlies dead? How will she feel then?
Anyway, the book ends with "And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."
So I think it's fitting that I end the review like: "And then WhovianGeronimo went to look for a bucket to puke in because of all this ridiculous love triangle garbage, and a neuralyzer to wipe her memories of Twilight away with."
So, what do you think? I might review the Edward POV Twilight, or the gender swapped Twilight. See what happens between now and the end of my exams. Thank you for reading this and thank you for all the supportive reviews i have received in this, those reviews made all this worthwhile. And sorry if i spelt anything wrong, I'm typing with gloves on cause its cold.