Sorry about the lack of comedy in the previous chapter, and it is also due to my relative inexperience writing fanfictions. As I am currently busy, I decided to release the first part of chapter 2, and I will try to add more comedy as time goes on.
Also, I'd like to clarify how the story is structured. The first strain was in chapter one, the second strain is in chapter two, and future strains are still tbd with all of them possibly tying together in the end.
HIGHCOM BRAVO 6
Sydney, Australia
John-117
UNSC military calendar 2656
John knew that he was a walking testament to the superior technological and physiological prowess of the human race, a vanguard of force against the damned council. Of course, he couldn't forget about his trusty assistant, Cortana.
"Chief?".
"Yeah?".
"Why did you come back for me in the middle of a long-forgotten Forerunner flood research station?".
"Well.. (cough) I felt incomplete without you, and decided to steal an experimental fighter jet to go and save you."
"I'm inside your fucking neural lace. Now then, honestly, why did you come back?"
"hehe… urm… the fanfiction author demanded it…".
"WHAT".
"I mean, how else could you have become metastable and survived a malfunctioning Forerunner slipspace drive? Be glad you weren't paired in a romance story with (shivers) a sangheili."
"What…".
"All I can say is, cognac is a hell of a drink.".
Cortana, who was very pissed off at this point, decided to dump some nightmares from her trip into the past…
"Chief"…
"What?"
"I was wondering… I recovered a few documents from a random website called (not allowed to post anything resembling a website) from the data banks of Guilty Sparks on Installation 04… would you kindly review them for me?"
"I don't know…"
"That wasn't a request, Chief"…
"Fine."
John suddenly felt a cool current in his head as countless zetabytes of info spiraled through his vision.
"I think I'll read… this."
Cortana suppressed a chuckle. This was going better than planned.
"Good first choice".
"Okay… wait… what the… WHAT! I BECOME AN ALCOHALIC AND MURDER MY NEIGHBOR!"
"Calm down chief, just a bad apple out of countless good ones. Now, let's choose… oohh".
"What?"
"You're going to love this one…"
"Flomu… What the… HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THIS SHIT!"
"Admit it, you always had a thing for the gravemind."
"No, but…"
As he read more and more, he felt like his stomach wanted to jump out. It started out well enough, with John effortlessly cutting through countless infection forms, then he suddenly found himself in the clutches of the gravemind. As the gravemind strangled him, the author went into detail about… ?tentacle rape?... and he barely kept his lunch from coming up when he got to the part where they started to suck on infection forms… damn. Fanfiction writers are perverts.
"Chief, do you want to go to something called… Gyre Widens?"
"Cortana, I already read it and…"
"And what chief?"
"Guilty Sparks was a fucking pervert."
"Don't underestimate the strangeness of ancient humans. Hell, did you see Forthencho's battle uniform?"
"Don't remind me".
Just then, Chief heard a strange buzzing sound characteristic to Forerunner anti-gravity devices. He quickly turned to the source and nearly fainted.
"Hello, reclaimer. Or should I say, reclaimers."
Master Chief quickly snapped out of his trance, and then nearly shouted out, "How the hell did you get into an armory in Bravo 6? And how did you even survive an overcharged spartan laser shot?"
"ONI decided to let me float around here after I gave them access to installation 07."
Master Chief then exclaimed, "Why the hell do you have so many perverted and twisted fanfictions stuck in your head?"
"Well, ere, you see, I needed to learn more about reclaimer anatomy in order to assist…"
"Assist? You call sending the equivalent of Forerunner Roombas then having them betray me when I found the index 'assistance'?"
"Theoretically. I should have never bundled my entertainment with the index. I always thought no-one could ever steal such an integral part of my installation."
"Not happy that you tried to delete me, bitch."
"Protocol is protocol. Your Admiral Preston Cole could attest to that."
"You know what, what about we talk about Forthencho's alcoholism?"
"Cortana, I actually agree with you."
"Why must you reclaimers talk about my former life's addiction to intoxicating beverages…"
John-117 remarked, "Damn, I'm going to just take a little stroll through s-floor before I feel the need to throw you into a reverse timelock. Maybe I could compose some fanfiction writers while I'm at it."
Cortana smirked, "Really? I wouldn't want my Riemen Cortex to interact with the resulting AI's in a thousand years."
Buck remarked, "Hell, even Miss Office Of Naval Intelligence probably wouldn't."
Everyone else in the room stared at Buck and Dare…
"I'm a fucking supersoldier. How did I not pick up you two walking into this room."
Buck said, "Beats me. Plot armor?"
Two hours later…
John-117
Inside Private quarters
HAHAHH! DID THE PRECURSORS THINK THEY COULD BREAK THE IMMORTAL MASTER CHIEF. WELL, THOSE ARROGANT ASSHOLES WERE WRONG! ALL THEY DID WAS STEEL MY RESOLVE. READING MORE OF THESE FANFICS DIDN'T BREAK ME, BUT ONLY STRENGTHENED MY TOLERANCE!
God… I think that flomu fic broke something inside my head... I'LL SHOW THOSE TRANSCENDENT BASTARDS!
There was a light tapping on the door.
As I slowly turned around, the asbestos white door creaked open.
"Chief…"
"So you're the damned author of this story. WHY DID YOU EXPOSE ME TO THIS WARP SPAWN! HELL, I THINK I JUST SIGNED UP JUN AND CARTER AS 'ESCORTS'. YOU TURNED ME INTO A GODDAMN PIMP!"
"Actually, I didn't write that…"
"Oh, er…"
"Back on topic, realize that this is just the beginning."
"How could this be 'just the beginning'?"
"You'll see".
"What? Wait, don't run away! Come back!"
As the author vanished into thin air, I got out my bottle of everclear, and then drank the whole darn thing. My tolerance to rubbing alcohol had already grown, and I had been left with no other choice.
Now, I'm completely dependent on an incompetent author to write a deus ex machinima. Damn it.