Chapter One: Tree People Tea

It was late morning, and the sun was finally glowing through the heavy fog that blanketed the wooded valley. Chakotay remembered being told his ancestors had walked these grounds countless centuries before. Before the White Man had come to these lands as history and Native legend told. He hated those long stories. Those long camping trips. And now he sorely regretted squandering that time with his father. He hoped a child of his, should he ever have one, would appreciate learning from his father and not be as stubborn as he. He chucked a stone into the tiny stream across from him and made his was back to his cabin.

Starfleet had allowed him extended leave and time to build a cabin in the "untouched" woods of North America. He was certain it had been touched. The paint marking the rocks told him young boys made mischief here in recent years. That was okay with Chakotay. Children needed to play and be free. Something his father didn't understand. He placed an old kettle over an open fire in front of his cabin. The little place had been wired with all the latest gadgets, but also some timeless pieces. An old fireplace, his only heat. An outdoor bathroom-he wished he'd though better of that one when the seasons had changed shortly after arriving. A sleeping mat on the floor, in memory of his father's ways. Simple life. And the river stone half fire pit and grate that he used to heat his tea and breakfast every morning. He poked the coals and settled on the little rocking chair on the porch. He liked this quiet life. It gave him time to gather his thoughts... and his feelings. It had been seven years since he'd spent time on his own. With the Maquis he would get away in a shuttle now and than. He'd head to some lost moon or isolated world and dream for a while. On Voyager he spent every waking moment with the crew, and many hours of that with her Captain. How he missed her. Her voice, her walk, the way her hair hung on a bad day, the way she glared at Harry when he'd voice something quite... well stupid. That wasn't fair. Harry knew more than most officer's on board. He sighed... his thoughts trailed away from her every time he focused. He didn't know if he'd ever see her again. His new Command would leave space dock in less than 3 months and hers would begin when the hearings were over. He didn't even know what her new career was, though she'd been denied a crew and ship. "Seven years out of touch is too long" one Admiral chirped harshly to her the day the crew was being reassigned. She requested a ship, even a small, short range training vessel. They were not going to allow it. She'd likely teach at the Academy. He laughed at the idea, choking on the stick he'd been chewing thoughtfully on. She hated listening to Icheb drone on about whatever lesson he had been assigned and Naomi's constant questions on the Bridge drove her crazy. Full days with shiny booted, fresh Academy kids would be harsh punishment.

A console in the cabin bleeped a warning. Someone had beamed in nearby. He'd set the console to alert him against uninvited surprise guests. Old friends and acquaintances, reporters, even Voyager crewmembers were unwanted if unannounced. He checked the console. The beam in was close, intentionally looking for him. He sighed and rubbed his neck. Something told him a visitor wouldn't bee too bad. He pulled a second tea cup from the rack above the counter and placed a cube of sugar in the bottom. On second thought... that same feeling made him remove it. He grabbed the fresh pastry he'd baked the night before and met his guest on the front step.

She was breathing raggedly, looked as though she had cried that morning at some point, though any trace of tears were gone.

Chakotay nearly dropped the tea cups and pastry tray as Kathryn's head hit his chest. He gingerly set them on the rail and wrapped his arms around her. She'd never hugged him, not really. Even B'Elanna has hugged him on occasion. He felt fear and loneliness from her and knew she was fighting more tears.

"Dammit." She muttered.

He smiled. "Let it happen. You'll be stronger for it." He felt her cheeks move and imagined his Captain's smirk. He rested a hand on her back to help steady her and noticed how long her hair had gotten since he'd seen her. Not as long as it had been in Voyager's early days... but it was getting there. He allowed himself to gather it slightly and let go as he rubbed his hand down her back and stepped away. "What have they done to you?" His whisper cracked as he studied her face.

She shook her head. "I can't talk yet." Her voice cracked too. She hadn't intended to throw herself in his arms, she had even decided against a hug. It had happened without her consent. She shivered a little. The air was much cooler here in the valley than San Francisco's sunny shoreline.

He sighed thoughtfully and retreated inside for something to keep her warm. He found a soft blanket, hand made by someone from his father's tribe, he wished he knew who or had cared when it was passed to him. She had settled onto the rocking chair, a bit of the pastry in her hand.

"Did you make this?" She smiled softly. "It's amazing."

"I used to be quite the chef."

"You've said." She grinned at him as he wrapped the blanket over her shoulders. "Maybe a bit more?"

He smiled wide at that and cut her a large piece. "Do you want a napkin?"

"No, I think I'll lick it." She laughed softly. "How are you, Chakotay?"

He detected a hint of pleading in her voice. She needed to not talk about her past months. "Well. Rested." He stared at her. He couldn't not know what had been going on in her world while he kicked back in the woods.

"I saw Miral Paris this morning." She offered.

His smile was on his face only. "She's a pretty little baby, isn't she?"

"I haven't seen her since the inquiries began. I haven't seen anyone."

He was startled. "By order?"

"No." She shook her head firmly. "There have been no charges, and such an order would have been unacceptable. No time." She stared out at the fire pit. "Did you build all of this?"

"Kathryn..." Now he was pleading.

"I can't..."

"Tell me at least how you came to be here this morning."

She nodded. "I've been declared officially and temporarily unfit to undergo further mental distress."

He pulled back a bit from where he'd been standing and settled against the rail. "By who?"

"Myself." She frowned at the crumbs on her fingers before licking them off. "Actually, the Doctor did. I requested a psych evaluation and the results allowed me a break for a few weeks."

"So you came here." He didn't want to push her, but her resolve had always been tremendously strong. To want a break, to need a break was not like Kathryn Janeway. "What did they do, Kathryn?" He knelt down in front of her. "You've been tortured, beaten, lost, burned... what could a few Admirals in a procedural setting have done?"

She instinctively pulled her knees up, the loose pants falling around her like a flowing skirt. "It's just... I relive everything... for hours."

"Statistics, coordinates?" He knew the hearings couldn't be that rigid. There had to be logs, information, numbers...

"I've listened to every report I've recorded, every decision I've made. Every unsent letter to parents and children and wives and husbands of crew who have died. The torture, the burns, the pain I've gone through?" She gasped to catch her breath.

He nodded for her to continue.

"Seven years of horrible memories and terrible moments have been in my dreams for six months. I've had to explain my feelings and emotional stability after receiving Mark's letter, after carrying Kes through that damned shrine, after almost losing you..." She gasped again. "Oh God, Chakotay, I can't do it anymore!"

He grabbed her shoulders firmly. He still couldn't imagine how bad it had to be to break her down, but here she was. "Tea."

"What?" She choked through a quiet sob.

"Tea. I have amazing tea. Kathryn, I'm sorry I pushed... I had to know."

She wiped the tears with a corner of the blanket and nodded firmly. "Tea."

He loosened his hand from her grip, not remembering when she had grabbed it. He took the tea cups and went to the kettle, afraid to look back at her. She was terrified, sleep deprived and distraught over things she'd done years in the past. "Talk to me some more." He called. "Where did you see Miral?"

"Admiral Paris' office." She managed.

He heard her step down the stairs and turned. The tears were gone and he could see how sunken her eyes were and truly how pale her already fair skin was.

She took the cup he held up. "He was babysitting."

"That can't be normal." He laughed softly. It wasn't in his heart though.

"Actually, it looked like she's there often. It's good for them. For Tom to get along with his father. He's a good man."

Chakotay nodded. "I remember a few harsh lectures from Admiral Paris when I was lieutenant aboard the Mayweather. He would contact our captain and not hold back. In front of the whole senior staff."

"Sounds like him." She sipped the steaming grey liquid. "It is good. Sweet."

"And with no sugar." He hesitated. He wanted badly to hold her, she still looked on edge despite the distraction. She needed to get it out, but he couldn't make her. He offered an arm instead.

She smiled at him, a pained, yet genuine smile. For so long she had to look away on mornings when he would come bouncing off the turbolift, chattering about some book he'd read or what B'Elanna, Tom and Harry had been up to. He looked good and she adored him. She never let herself wonder if she loved him. She fought the curiosity now. There were no rules between them here in the woods. There were no standards, appearances or ranks between them. She was still afraid to wonder. She took his arm lightly as he led her inside the warm little cabin.

"Do you need heat?" He dropped his arm and gestured vaguely as he asked.

"No, it's comfortable, thank you."

"You need sleep." He stated it frankly. "It doesn't look like much, but it's soft." He nodded to the mat.

"Not a question, huh?" She looked up at him and studied his face.

He smiled softly back at her. "You look unwell and certainly in need of rest. You're not going to get it anywhere else, it sounds, so you might as well take advantage of being here." He walked over to the mat, knelt beside it and busied himself arranging the few pillows and linens.

She knelt next to him and turned his face to her. "You're uncomfortable with me here, aren't you?"

"No..." He whispered. "No, I want you here... but..."

"7 years and you never struggled around me like this."

"New Earth was hard." He corrected softly.

"True..."She eased the word out carefully.

He turned to sit cross-legged on the mat and waited for her to sit across from him. "I had to see you every day. I had to watch you, totally alone, every day. I had to see you officiate weddings and greet new babies and watch as families started on the ship while your fiance wrote you about the new woman." He was unintentionally harsh about it, but noticed she seemed untouched at the mention of Mark. "Did you ever once want to not go alone into your dark quarters or sit alone at the table while couples wandered in and out?"

"Of course I wanted someone, but it wasn't possible." She shifted her eyes to her hands and had to stop herself from wringing them.

"No... but I had to sit beside you every single day knowing I couldn't even want to be with you."

"I know." She surprised herself with the sudden answer, but refused to look at him.

"For seven years I did struggle around you... Kathryn." He purposefully said her name. It was just above a soft whisper "Why did you come here?"

Kathryn swallowed and forced herself to look into his eyes. "Why? Because you were the only one who would really want me here."