Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures
THE OTHER KATHRYN
PART TWO
2379
Five years, almost to the day. How fast the time had flown! And yet, Kathryn was still haunted by what had happened on that demon class planet. Haunted by the other Kathryn. Even though this Voyager had become as much her ship as her own, and this crew her crew, never had she been allowed to forget that she didn't quite belong. That she was a stranger in her own life. An imposter. Not that she thought about the other Kathryn all the time, life on Voyager was so hectic that all she could do was live in the moment, but always something would happen to remind her that she was living the wrong life.
A different life.
For the history of her life, and the other Kathryn's, were not the same. It was hard to remember the differences, at least to remember them all, all the time, and sometimes she made mistakes, but no one ever noticed. Not even Chakotay. If he had seen a difference in her, and she knew he had, he had put it down to the burden on her shoulders, to the loneliness of command.
If that was all.
For it wasn't just that terrible future that had made her different to the other Kathryn. Other things had too. For life hadn't been as kind to her as to her counterpart. That Kathryn had not seen as many horrors in war, had not been a prisoner of war, and had never been tortured by the Cardassians. Justin had saved her from that fate.
Justin.
Their mutual love. Brave, and brilliant, and dead too young. Killed in a shuttlecrash. The same shuttlecrash that had killed their father.
Destined to happen.
Some events were fated to echo through every timeline and could never be changed. She knew for she had tried.
Tougher.
She was tougher than the other Kathryn. This she could tell from her logs. Life had made her tougher. And this could only be a good thing. For the other Kathryn might not have got them through half the things that she had. And yet, there was no denying that a part of her envied the other Kathryn. Envied her innocence, her idealism, her faith that good could be found in every heart. It could not. Some were darker than hell. And she envied the joy the other Kathryn had found with Mark in the years before Voyager. That joy she had never known. For there had been no one since Justin. His death, so close to what she'd been through with the Cardassians, had so devastated her life that she'd walled up her heart and let no one in.
No one until Chakotay.
Her Chakotay, not this one.
The Chakotay who had held her night after night as she broke her heart in his arms.
The Chakotay who had died saving her.
The Chakotay she missed profoundly.
And yet, he lived on in this Chakotay. This Chakotay who loved her just as much. This Chakotay who she had come to love as much. And no longer did it feel like a betrayal to love him. For her Chakotay was dead. This Chakotay was alive. Alive with all the needs of being so. He deserved to be happy. To have a woman at his side who would love him with all her heart. And she did. She couldn't help it. But she wasn't the Kathryn Janeway he thought she was and she had no idea how to tell him. For he needed to know. Now that Voyager was home, and they had found each other again after months apart, he needed to know the truth. He need to know that the Kathryn Janeway he had fallen in love with was dead.
But she was afraid of telling him. Afraid it would change his feelings. He would be angry at the deception, and it could change their relationship forever. But, if there was to be any hope of a future for them, he had to know. He deserved to and she could not live with the lie any longer.
So she had decided to tell him.
This afternoon while they were alone. Alone in this log cabin in the wilds of Alaska. It was his cousin's cabin, right in the heart of a spectacular mountain range that was white with snow, and they were staying for the weekend. There were two bedrooms, so they had one each, and Kathryn was delighted with hers. It looked out at a magnificent lake that was frozen over and had perfectly positioned windows to make the most of the view.
But it was not from there that she was now looking out at the lake. It was from the lounge. Chakotay was in the kitchen, making them both a hot chocolate, and, as he did, Kathryn stood before one of the room's long windows and tried to summon the strength for the conversation she knew they both needed.
"I was thinking," Chakotay said as he returned from the kitchen with two mugs of chocolate, "that if the weather's good tomorrow we can beam up to the summit. I've never been but am told the view is amazing."
"I'm sure it is," Kathryn said, turning from the window to face him, "and I'd love to."
Chakotay smiled. "Then we'll do it."
He joined her at the window and Kathryn gratefully took an offered mug. It was full of swirling hot chocolate and was topped with cream.
"But before we do anything this afternoon," he said, "you're going to tell me what's wrong."
What's wrong.
He knew her so well. And yet...hardly at all.
"I know there's something," he went on. "You've been quiet all day and hardly touched lunch."
Kathryn turned away from him and slowly walked over to the couch. It was long and blue and right before a log fire that roared in the hearth.
"You're right," she said, sitting. "There is something. Something that's...well, bothered me for a long time. I never knew how to tell you, even if I should, but if we're...if we're to have any kind of future together...and I hope we do have a future together...then you need to know."
Fear mingled with concern in Chakotay's eyes at these words, but he hid his feelings well, just as he always did, and calmly closed the gap between them.
"I see," he said, "in that case, I'm glad you're ready to tell me."
"I am," she replied. "And yet...I'm scared too. Because what I have to say, it might..." Tears filled her eyes. "It might change how you feel about me."
Chakotay put down his drink and sat beside her. "That's impossible, Kathryn. I love you with all my heart and nothing can change that."
Kathryn put down her drink too and took his hand in hers.
"I love you too, Chakotay. And I'm thankful for you everyday. But five years ago something happened and...and I'm not who you think I am."
Five years ago. At those words, implying an historic rather than present emergency, Chakotay relaxed. He even teased.
"Species 8472 in disguise?"
Kathryn had to smile. "No. I'm really Kathryn Janeway. I'm just...I'm not the Kathryn Janeway you think I am."
"How do you mean?"
"I'm from...I don't know where I'm from. I thought a different reality, but now I'm not so sure. All I know is that when, five years ago, I went back in time to save us all from a fate worse than death, I ended up on the wrong Voyager...your Voyager, not mine. I knew straight away...well, almost...because I looked different. I hadn't bunned my hair for years and...well, the short of a very long story is that while I was onboard, your Captain died, disappeared somehow, and I was left." A tear ran down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I know you...loved her."
There was a long silence, too long, but then Chakotay finally spoke.
"I could say you should have told me, but I think you know that."
Kathryn nodded. "And I don't know why I didn't. I just...I'd been through hell and I didn't want to talk about it...didn't want questions. I just wanted to...to get on with things...to adjust to my new life. But it's been hard. Always I've been aware that...that I'm an imposter."
"Hardly that, Kathryn. Something clearly went wrong when you went back in time, but that doesn't mean you're from a different reality or are a different Kathryn Janeway to the one I've always known. Quite the contrary, I don't think you are."
"But I am, Chakotay. Her history, and mine, they're not a perfect match."
"That could simply be the result of a temporal glitch. The past, the present, the future, they're always changing. Given the number of out of time experiences we've all had, who knows if any of us have the exact same history on record as is in our memory."
"True, but I think most people do. Even Harry Kim does, despite being from the other Voyager we encountered. Nothing in his past was different. Not one thing. But my past, and the other Kathryn's, they're very different."
"Are they? Truly? To my way of thinking, very different would mean that you and she led completely different lives. You haven't. If you had, you wouldn't be Voyager's captain. You'd be something else. But for you to be going back in time to save us, and presumably ending up in the right place at the right time to do so, has to mean that the similarities between your life and your counterpart's are infinitely greater than the differences...especially if the only difference you were immediately aware of was your hair."
"I never thought of that...kind of like a mirror image, I suppose. The same, and yet different. But if I do have a different past to the other Kathryn...even just slightly...can I truly be her? I don't think I can. I mean, the Kathryn you knew for the first three years of our journey, the one with the bunned hair that you see in your memory, she's not me."
"If we take a pedantic perspective. I say we choose a more liberal. After all, a shared past is ultimately about shared experiences. We have those. What does it matter if in your memory you look one way and in mine another? I say it doesn't matter. It's the experience we've shared that's important."
"Like New Earth."
"Like New Earth."
"But what I've told you must change something about how you feel. You must, on some level, be angry."
"To be honest, Kathryn, it never surprises me when you've kept something from me. You do it all the time. I'm just glad that, in this case, it's nothing to do with your wellbeing. Physical, I mean. I thought for a moment there that you were ill or were leaving on a dangerous mission."
"No. My space days are over. I want...well, you know what I want because you want it too."
"Yes. But if we're going to make it, Kathryn, you're going to have to start opening up more. Communication is vital in any relationship, even in friendship."
"I know. That's why I'm telling you now. I want everything in the open between us. Want this to be a new start. I just...that's what I mean about being different to the other Kathryn. She was more open, more optimistic and affectionate. I can tell that from her logs. Life has been harder for me and I've had to bottle up my feelings just to survive. And don't tell me that you've never noticed a difference. I know you have. You even told me once."
That Chakotay could not deny and, for a moment, his mind wandered back to the Equinox incident. That Kathryn certainly had been different to the one he had previously known.
"But this is who I am, Chakotay. I might have been like that other Kathryn once, but I've been through too much to ever be like her again."
"I understand that, Kathryn. And you're right, I did...have...noticed a change. But I think change was inevitable...for all of us. No one could live through what we have and be the same. We're all different people now. I'd like to think better people. But I did worry about you. You had a heavy load on your shoulders and a long way to carry it."
"Yes. But you made that burden lighter, Chakotay...just as you vowed to. And I thank you for that."
"It was a privilege to be at your side, Kathryn. I just wish that...well, I'd always been there."
"Me too. But I think we needed time apart, Chakotay. We'd been in a command structure for so long, and in such an intense situation, that we needed time out to discover what our true feelings are for each other. To have gone from a command relationship to a romantic relationship right away it...well, it might not have been the best thing in the long run."
"I agree. But I've missed you, Kathryn...every moment of every day."
Kathryn squeezed his hand. "Ditto. But I think it's only fair to tell you that I've missed the other you too. My Chakotay. In that terrible future he was my only comfort and joy."
"What happened, Kathryn?"
"I can't tell you. Not because I don't want to but because it was so awful I can't bear to talk about it. Even now, after all these years, I still get nightmares."
At these words, Chakotay looked at her sadly. That future truly must have been horrific and it hurt his heart to think what she might have suffered.
"I've even thought of having those memories erased," Kathryn went on, "but I can't because I need to remember that I'm different."
"Perhaps," Chakotay said. "Or maybe...maybe you don't. Maybe erasure is the answer. It sounds to me like you're out of phase with yourself, with your own history, perhaps because the technology involved in sending you back in time didn't account for all variables. But if your memories of the experience are wiped, then maybe you will come back into sync."
Kathryn considered. "It's certainly possible. The technology involved was experimental. And I was warned of that, but someone I trusted assured me it would work so I took the risk. After all, I had nothing to lose. And I'd do it again...in the blink of an eye." She paused. "I guess, as Admiral Janeway, I did. But I have no idea if she was me or the other Kathryn. It didn't matter."
"No," Chakotay agreed. "And she might have been neither."
"That's right. We can only deal with the situations we're presented with. But as the technology was experimental it's quite possible something went wrong...that I'm out of phase, as you say...and that it's my memories of the out of time experience that are keeping me so. If they're the only link to that other future...and they are because my body somehow auto-aged to what it should be in this timeline...then maybe the shadow of that future will only exist as long as my memories do."
"Exactly. But..."
"But?"
"As you have memories of a different past, as well as a different future, if you come back into sync then..."
Then she wouldn't be herself anymore.
The other Kathryn.
By losing those memories, she would effectively be ending her existence, and in ending her existence, the other Kathryn would live again.
Live again as she should.
Live again as she must.
"Unless I'm wrong," Chakotay said, hoping now that he was. "By losing those memories you may just have an altered perception of the last few years. That's what normally happens. When the undesired memories are gone, the brain reprocesses the remaining ones to produce a different perspective on the past, even though that past hasn't changed."
"Yes, that's what normally happens, but in my case I don't think you're wrong. I think memory erasure is the answer. But before we put ourselves through the agony of the choice, let's see first if it is a choice."
With that, she got up and went over to the fireplace.
"What are you doing?" Chakotay asked.
"Calling The Doctor. If he's free, I'll see him now. As my memories belong to another life, it's quite possible they don't physically exist in this timeline, just like I'm not physically the age I am in my mind. If they don't, then they can't be erased and there's no choice to make. If they do...well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it." She hit her commbadge. "Janeway to Doctor Photon."
Instantly, The Doctor answered. "Good afternoon, Admiral. Are you and Chakotay enjoying your weekend away? Or is that the reason you're calling? Have you done yourselves an injury on the slopes?"
"No," Kathryn laughed, "we're fine. But I do need to see you about a medical matter. Are you free?"
"I will be in an hour. Shall I beam over?"
"No, I'll meet you at your surgery."
"Very well, Admiral. See you then. Doctor out."
As the connection terminated, Chakotay got to his feet and joined Kathryn at the hearth. "I think I should come with you. In fact, I insist."
Kathryn smiled. "Then if you insist, I won't resist." She put her hand on his arm. "But an hour's an hour. Let's forget about all this for a while and indulge ourselves on the hot chocolates you've made. They truly look delicious."
"At least they did," Chakotay teased, "before the cream melted."
"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "But, as Aunt Martha would say, mushy but yummy." She gestured to the couch. "Shall we?"
Chakotay nodded. "Let's."
Just over an hour later, Kathryn and Chakotay were in The Doctor's surgery. It was on the top floor of Starfleet HQ but the view from its windows was obscured by blue blinds. After explaining her condition to The Doctor, without going into unnecessary detail, Kathryn underwent some tests, and then The Doctor gave the verdict that only half of her wanted to hear.
"The memories most certainly exist ," he said. "The engrams are irregular, in fact I've never seen any like them, but they are erasable."
"I see," Kathryn said. "Thank you, Doctor."
"You are welcome. But memory erasure should not be done lightly. Not only is it a lengthy procedure, but it can change a person forever."
"I'm aware of that. If I have it done then I won't be the same person. My whole perception of myself, and of the last few years, will change."
"Yes. And, depending how much of an impact these memories made on your life, your recollection of events may not be as clear as they are now."
"I think they had a major impact on who I am. But if losing the memories only changes me, and I believe that will be the case, nothing in my past will have changed. My achievements, whether I remember them all or not, will be the same. Voyager will still be home. I don't need to remember every detail about our journey."
"Nevertheless, take some time to think things over. Memory erasure truly is a lifechanging decision and the procedure cannot be reversed."
Chakotay spoke now. "The Doctor's right. Take time to consider this. It may not be the only option. Perhaps memory suppression would have the same effect. That is reversable."
"Perhaps," Kathryn said. "But if the memories are suppressed, and not erased, then they will still exist. And if they still exist..."
Then so too would the shadow of the other future, of the other life.
Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "But I don't want to lose you, Kathryn. I don't want you to change."
At Chakotay's pain, Kathryn turned to The Doctor. "Could you give us a moment, Doctor?"
"Certainly," he answered.
As he left, Kathryn closed the gap between herself and Chakotay and put her hand on his arm.
"You won't lose me, Chakotay. I'm sure of that. I might not be the same, but I'll still be me. The me you first knew. If wiping these memories is the only way of correcting the temporal aberration and bringing myself into sync, I have to do it. All these years I've felt like I'm living a lie and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling the same. I also don't want to live with the memories I have. I've done what I set out to do. I've saved Voyager and I've got our crew home. It's time now for the other Kathryn to live again."
A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "But I love this Kathryn...love you."
Tearful herself, Kathryn took his hands in hers and squeezed them. "I love you too, Chakotay. So very much. But the other Kathryn...she will too."
"We can't be sure of that."
"We can. So don't think of this as losing me. Think of it as gaining her. For she's your Kathryn, Chakotay. The Kathryn you fell in love with and the Kathryn who will love you back...for the rest of your life. I'm not your Kathryn. Not really. I'm another Chakotay's. My Chakotay's. And that's how it's supposed to be."
"You're right," Chakotay said quietly. "I just...I'm being selfish."
"You're the least selfish person I know, Chakotay. You've always put my needs first and, although it will break your heart, you will put mine and the greater good's first now. But the other Kathryn will mend your heart, I promise."
"Then...then I take it you've made your decision?"
"I have. And I'll have the procedure done now. There's no sense in prolonging things. We can sit around talking about possible outcomes forever, but there will only be one actual outcome and no amount of deliberation will change that. Sometimes it's necessary to take a plunge." She put her hand to his cheek. "So while I'm having the procedure done, you go back to the cabin and cook us the meal you were going to tonight. Because the other Kathryn will turn up for it. I know that with every fibre of my being. For nothing will have changed. The framework of our lives will be the same."
Chakotay said nothing and in his eyes were a million doubts.
"Trust me, Chakotay. I know my own heart."
"Then...then I'll wait," he said.
Kathryn smiled through tears. "Just this one last time."
Their eyes locked, love reflecting, and then their lips slowly drew close. But, just as they were about to kiss for the first time, Kathryn put her finger to his mouth.
"No, save that for your Kathryn." She then drew him close and hugged him hard. "And we'll say goodbye now...before it gets any harder. But this isn't really goodbye. Remember that."
"It feels like it," Chakotay said, tearfully returning her embrace. "And I don't want to let you go."
"I don't want you to let me go. But if we're to find each other again, and live the lives we're supposed to, we need to do this. We need to say goodbye. So goodbye, Chakotay. And thank you. Thank you for everything you've done through the years...for being my rock, my harbor, and my shelter."
"Thank you for being mine," he whispered. "And you better come. Tonight, for our meal, you better come."
"I will," Kathryn said, drawing away. "I promise."
Then, to make things easier for both of then, she hit her commbadge and requested a beamout for Chakotay. It came immediately and, in seconds, he was gone.
Gone in a flash of light.
For a long moment Kathryn stared where he had stood, but then she wiped away her tears and called in The Doctor.
"Where's Chakotay?" he asked as he emerged from his office.
"Left," Kathryn replied. "I've decided to have the erasure immediately so there was no need for him to stay."
"Immediately as in right now?"
"That's what immediately means."
"But you need to be certain, Admiral, it's a..."
"Life changing decision, you said. And I am. I am certain."
The Doctor hesitated, but then relented. "Very well, Admiral. If you're sure, really sure."
"I am," Kathryn declared. "I am."
END OF PART TWO