.

How fares my Juliet? that I ask again;
For nothing can be ill, if she be well.
-Romeo

…

Edward

Monday, 12 June 2006

...

Was Bella always going to be in a vehicle with that boy when I came?

She was in a beat-up old Volkswagen with him this time, instead of her truck. My mind involuntarily flashed back to the last time I had been here and I shuddered, pushing the thought away. Last time, I'd had hope. I hadn't acknowledged it until after I'd left here, impotently trying to run so fast that everything would blur, but underneath my excuse of checking on her had been hope that I'd been wrong. That she wouldn't forget me. That she wouldn't have moved on.

Hope that she would still want me, that she would forgive me and take me back.

I knew it was wrong. I should be happy she'd moved on. I wanted more for her than me. But even now, beyond all sense and reason, I still had hope.

I didn't want to have hope. It hurt too much.

I settled myself more securely in the branches of the tree, rubbing at the pain in my chest. The last time I was home, about a month ago, Carlisle had joked that I looked like a man with angina and if he didn't know better he'd think he needed to check my heart. I had tried to laugh, like I knew he wanted me to, but it sounded more like sobbing.

Then, angry with myself for my inability to even pretend to be normal and missing Bella so much that I wanted to start screaming and never stop, I'd thrown a chair through a window.

Carlisle apologized, Esme cried, Emmett wished I'd just "go back to Bella and be happy already," Rosalie was disgusted, Alice was angry at my "imbecilic stubbornness," and Jasper needed to flee the house, not able to handle the barrage of disparate emotions. I'd left that night, after replacing the window, and hadn't been back since.

Not that I'd been living with my family since we left Forks anyway. All I did was make everyone unhappy, and being around them reminded me of Bella. To be fair, everything reminded me of Bella. I'd gone to England, hoping the change of scene would help, but there were reminders everywhere of the classic authors and books she loved, and I saw so many things I wanted to share with her. So I came back to the States, trying to escape the constant mental refrain of Oh, wouldn't Bella love that and I wish I could show Bella this. I visited my family periodically, staying until I felt that the misery I was causing outweighed whatever happiness my presence brought. It never took very long, a few days perhaps. When I ran across Victoria's scent it had been a blessed relief to finally have a purpose. Tracking had kept me busy for a little while, until I realized I had lost her trail, and then there had been no purpose in anything anymore.

I shook off the memories of my hellish stay in a Rio attic, reminding myself that I still had a purpose, and it was Bella. Keeping an eye on her and making sure she was safe. And no matter how little I wanted to, I needed to listen to what was going on in the car, just long enough to hear that she was safe and happy. Then I could leave, flee from the torture of seeing her happiness without me, and the awful tug of war between the longing to be close to her and the need to stay away from her could begin anew.

After what I experienced the last time, I didn't want to look through the boy's mind. I forced myself to listen, and frowned. Bella sounded upset. Was she crying? What did that boy do to her?

I focused on his thoughts. His head was a morass of pain: grief, regret, inadequacy, anger… but not at Bella… anger at me? He was imagining me torn apart, which was amusing, or would be if there wasn't something wrong about the scene he was picturing. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something wasn't right.

I could see them moving around in the car and gave into the temptation to look through his eyes. He was helping her back into her own seat, the implications of which I refused to think about. She turned her head to look at him and I sucked in my breath. Even red-faced and tearstained, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Not that I had forgotten what she looked like—how could I?—but seeing her again, even through someone else's weaker eyes, was glorious.

I stared at her through him, drinking her in, not paying any attention to what they were saying until he said the word "vampires".

That's what was wrong with his mental picture of killing me.

There was no blood.

He knew what I was.

I felt a stab of fear mixed with hurt. Why would Bella tell him about me? Didn't she know it wasn't safe to tell people? The Volturi—

My thoughts cut off in shock when images of Victoria flickered through his mind. "At least the redhead's dead," he said. I could see Victoria running, her wild hair streaming behind her, a huge wolf slamming into her side, knocking her off her feet, other wolves on her, pulling her apart, a large snout closing over her face and cutting into her neck. Half-naked young men looking around for the pieces, standing relaxed around the pyre, laughing and joking as she burned.

Victoria had been here.

I had been looking for her down south when she had been here.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the wolf gene hadn't died out like we'd thought. There were shape shifters and a vampire here and I had left Bella defenseless.

God forgive me—what had I done?

I clutched a tree branch, unintentionally turning it to pulp in my horror. That boy… he was one of them. He was a wolf. He had been the one to rip Victoria's head off.

My Bella was in that tiny rattletrap with a young, volatile, shape-shifting wolf.

I fought back my panic—it went against every instinct I had, but I couldn't go get her. I couldn't risk fighting him so close to her.

They were getting out of the car now, and I could only be relieved that she was out of that confined space with him. He had left his door open—hopefully he would leave, and Bella would be safe.

He was enormous. I hadn't seen him since the prom and he was normal-sized then, but now he looked to be several inches taller than Emmett. I cringed as he hugged her, hoping he wouldn't hold her too tightly and hurt her. The wind blew past me towards him and I heard the alarm in his mind as he smelled me.

Vampire— have to get her out of here!

Damn it. I really didn't want to have to deal with him, but I didn't want him to take her away either, especially since he'd likely take her to La Push. I certainly didn't want her in the middle of the wolves' territory! I jumped from the tree and landed silently at the edge of Bella's yard.

His eyes widened when he saw me, and then his mind exploded with profanity. Really, how vulgar he was.

Don't you go anywhere near her, he thought fiercely.

I raised my eyebrows and smirked. He must be joking. Who did he think he was, trying to tell me what to do?

I mean it, leech. I know you can hear me. You stay away from her. Wait here. I want to talk to you after she goes in.

Fine, whatever. I rolled my eyes and nodded, stepping back into the trees where Bella wouldn't be able to see me.

I ground my teeth as he kissed her and told her he loved her, but I couldn't help noticing that, aside from his anger at me, his mind was full of grief. I wished I had arrived earlier and paid better attention so I knew what was going on. He got into his car and drove away after Bella went into the house. I'm going to park around the corner and be right back. Don't make me come find you. There was a flash in his head of him tearing me apart and I laughed out loud. His dreams of killing me were ludicrous.

I could hear his mind getting closer; he was debating whether he should phase or not. He knew that he'd be safer in his wolf form, but he wanted to talk to me face to face and he didn't want me to think he was afraid of me. In the end bravado won out, and he approached me on two feet.

"Leech," he said by way of greeting.

I raised an eyebrow, my face impassive. "Dog."

He stood in silence for a moment, his mind in turmoil, then burst out, "Does Bella know you're here?"

"No," I replied, surprised.

He continued glaring at me. "Are you lying?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not lying. I arrived while you were in the car."

An image of Bella crying flashed through his mind and we both flinched.

"Well, then, why are you here?" he demanded.

"I came to check on Bella."

He stared at me with his mouth open. "You came to—are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious. I wanted to make sure she was okay." Safe, and happy.

"She's fine," he snapped. "So go ahead and leave."

"She didn't seem fine when she was talking to you," I said accusingly. "What did you do to make her so upset?"

There was a moment of complete silence, then his mind and his mouth exploded. "What did I do? What did I do? I have spent the past five months trying to make her happy, that's what I've done! Not that it worked because for some reason she can't get over your stupid ass, but at least I tried! She is the most wonderful…and you practically destroyed her! Damn you! How could you do that to her?!"

His whole body was shaking and I automatically backed away to give him space, mentally reeling at his outburst. I… she… really?

He seemed to realize how close he was to phasing, because he stopped talking and took some deep breaths. After a minute he continued in a cold voice, "No one here needs you. Bella will be fine. Go away, and don't come back."

I heard Bella get in bed and start crying. I rubbed my chest. "I can't leave until I'm sure she's all right."

"Leech, do you want to know why she was crying in the car? Because of you. Because she wants to get over you." A memory of Bella flashed into his mind. I need to be able to survive without… without him. I don't know how to do it. But I need to figure it out. "So go away and let her do it."

"No. I need to talk to her. If she doesn't want me to go, I'm staying." Could she really want me to stay? If she did, I knew I would never be able to leave her again.

"Oh, sure," he said sarcastically. "How long are you going to stay this time? A few more months, before you get bored and run off again? I won't have to pick up the pieces the next time because there'll be nothing of her left! Just leave her the hell alone and let her live her life in peace."

"I was never bored!" I hissed. "And that's what I was trying to do; let her live a normal human life, and be safe and happy. That's all I've ever wanted for her!"

"Well, you're just a big, fat failure then, aren't you, because we spent months protecting her from vampires who wanted to kill her because of you. So, yeah, she wasn't safe or happy."

Wait, vampires, plural? An image flashed through his head and I fisted my hands in my hair. "Laurent? Laurent was here, too?" I could see his memory of Laurent casually stalking Bella, getting closer and closer to her; hear Jake's desperate mental argument with the other wolves, saying that they had to attack, that it wouldn't break the treaty; Bella cringing back, her face a twisted mask of horror…

She would have known it was useless to run. She would have known there was no way to save herself. My poor Bella, she must have been so terrified. I pushed at the pain in my chest with both hands as I watched Laurent breathe in her scent and his hands move towards her. "Oh God, stop."

The memory abruptly cut off. Surprise flickered across his face as his eyes moved from my face to my hands, but when he spoke his voice was still hard. "Just leave her alone, bloodsucker."

I rubbed my chest and didn't say anything for a long time. Finally, I admitted tiredly, "I can't."

Both our heads turned as Bella began to talk in her sleep. "Jake... Jake, sorry."

He scrubbed his hands over his face, looking older and more weary than anyone his age should. "Give her time then."

"Edward," she said, and whimpered.

I fought the urge to run across her yard and up the side of her house, to go through her window and gather her in my arms and never let her go. The surge of pain in my chest made it hard to breathe, and my voice came out harsher than I intended. "Time for what?"

To get over you, he thought angrily. "To deal with what you did to her." He must have been able to tell I was about to argue because he snapped, "She's never dealt with it and she wants to." I do need to learn how to deal with it, Bella's voice agreed in his head.

"I'm not waiting forever, if that's your hope," I said coldly.

"No. No, don't fight," Bella said in her sleep, moving restlessly.

I could hear his mind making calculations. "Wait a month."

I snorted. "No."

"Three weeks."

"No."

"Well, how long then?" he snarled.

"No. Stop it," Bella grumbled. I couldn't help but smile a little. So fierce, even in her sleep. If she really wanted time to work through things in her mind, I would give her that. It would be hard to wait, knowing that she still had some measure of affection for me, but I would do anything for her.

"I'll wait a week," I announced.

"That's not long enough."

"Too bad," I said implacably.

He ground his teeth, but accepted it. Not that he had a choice. I was just glad we weren't going to waste time arguing about it.

Bella said clearly, "On the ceiling? That's strange," and for the thousandth time I wondered what on earth she was dreaming about. How I wished I could see her dreams!

We stood silently, watching Bella's house. Grief was slowly winning the war against anger in the boy's mind. Whatever was said in the car had clearly made him very unhappy, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of pity for him.

He ruined it by saying nastily, "Well, if you're going to wait a week you can leave now."

"I said I wouldn't approach her, not that I was leaving. By all means, you feel free to leave."

He mentally cursed at me. "Yeah, right. If I leave, what's to stop you from breaking your word?"

I was hard-pressed not to smirk at his notion that he could stop me. "I won't break my word. Besides, it's not like you can follow me around all week. You do remember that I don't sleep?"

"Whatever, leech. I'm staying." He was quiet for a minute. "You'll really give her a week?"

"A week," I confirmed. Seven days. One hundred sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand eighty minutes. Six hundred four thousand, eight hundred seconds. Why had I agreed to this again?

"No, don't," Bella murmured plaintively. "Edward. Come back."

The boy flinched at her words, but I rubbed my chest gratefully as they soothed the pain a little. I could give her a week. It would be difficult to be so close and yet stay away from her, but the knowledge that I would see her at the end of it would make it the very best week of the past nine interminable months.

We stood vigil for the rest of the night, enemy sentries strangely finding themselves with a common target to protect. Bella spoke in her sleep long after her father's return home, apologizing to the wolf and telling me to come back, but he and I said not another word.

A/N: Hope this chapter answers some of your questions about what Edward's been up to and whether Victoria really is dead. Next chapter will be back to Bella's POV, and will be up on Monday.