Pre-Body

Thank you for the reviews. I apologize if my lack of out-of-story text causes discomfort to some, but I've lately tried to approach my work with a minimalist outlook, in that I focus mostly on what matters: the narrative. Of course, I don't mean to look down upon an author's desire to directly communicate with his/her readers, but rather attempt to refrain from diluting my fiction unnecessarily. If my reasoning somehow sounds off, please inform me and I'll gladly listen.

UPDATE - Edited to fit the revised format

MASS EFFECT 2: The Misadventures Of Subject Zero

a Series of Stories Involving Jack and John Shepard

Legend: "speech bubbles", 'thought bubbles', --- Load Screens...

Body

The turian's sudden burst of laughter caught the female biotic off guard, taking a step back in the unexpected reaction to her frustration. She may have expected him to give her room, or maybe look away and turn his attention elsewhere, but this was...

"Th-the fuck's wrong with you, Vakarian!?" her confusion bordered on worry for the mental state of the strange, strange creature in front of her.

Garrus, for the most part, was trying his best to recollect himself and, also for the most part, was failing heroically. "Haha... Oh, I-I'm sorry, Jack, it's just... Hehehe... you just reminded me so much of, snort, this one mission Shepard and I had back then." The turian fondly recalled the time where they unintentionally eavesdropped on a Battlemaster as he attempted to pry information from a corporate VI in the same way as Krogans try to get whatever it was from anyone: pure, unadulterated intimidation.

As he ran out of steam to keep up his giggling fit, the blue-armored sniper collected himself. He looked sheepishly at his companion, running his talons through his hardened scalp-spikes. "I apologize for that outburst; I really didn't mean anything bad about you by it." Feeling the woman's lethal gaze beating down him hotter than any Collector rifle could at that moment, Garrus decided to switch strategies.

"Speaking of missions, I take it you're headed to see the Commander now?" Jack didn't like to be laughed at, regardless of the reason, and she definitely didn't want to let the turian off so easily, at least not without giving him a big, fat piece of her mind. However, the bluntness of his inquiry unwillingly made her go on the defensive, still none the less embarrassed with herself for going through with her plan.

'Aw, hell.' "Yeah, I am," she replied a little less confidently than she would have liked to sound. "Just, uh, got something to ask him about."

At this, the turian merely replied with a "hm." His interest was first piqued when he entered the elevator to see Jack onboard, and noticing the button that was pressed to be the Commander's quarters. He remembered that, as he was borrowing some light reading material from Mordin, the salarian scientist mentioned in his usual hamster'?'-pitched monologue that Jack of all people had approached him, asking for some human culture and social norms materials. The tone of her voice as she admitted to having business with Shepard was all the confirmation the smirking gunnery chief needed to validate his theory. As the elevator slowed to a stop and opened, Garrus made his way out onto CIC.

"Oh, before I forget, Jack," he started as his other leg crossed the open elevator door. "I wish you luck on your mission with the Commander." The turian could barely hide his huge smile as he turned his back on the speechless biotic, and curtly made his way to the research lab.

That was it. No way was she going to let him walk away with that. 'No fucking way.' "Hey, come back here, fish-face!" The biotic retorted, starting to glow a deep purple as she made her way out of the confined space. "I swear to god, when I'm through with you, even your mother-"

"Jack, it would be wise to remind you," the synthesized voice of the ship began, her hologram popping up next to the elevator, "that you have yet to arrive at your own destination which would be the captain's quarters." The tattooed woman suddenly relented, realizing not only that the AI spoke the truth but also spoke that truth quite audibly. Anyone and everyone within earshot (read: the entire crew in CIC) suddenly became privy to Subject Zero's surprising destination. The air suddenly became thick with barely hushed whispers, and even Yeoman Chambers set her overly tender eyes on her with a hand surpressing her giggle, muttering an "oh, my" much to the biotic's dismay.

Her skin turned a pale white as the weight of sheer embarrassment threatened to crush her more effectively than an asari commando's biotic slam, and so she hastily walked back into the elevator. "Alright, I'm going back in, you fucker...!" She almost jumped the last few steps as she immediately stuck herself in a corner, cursing anything that crossed her mind tenfold. "Are you happy now?" As if in reply, the doors promptly closed in front of the woman, and she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. 'The bitch is a damn sadist...'

Jack could only sigh as the vertical motors whirred to life, bringing its load single-mindedly to the intended location. She began pacing in place, thinking about the numerous metaphorical monkey wrenches that were thrown into her life at that moment. Everything from the smug turian's glaring level of insight to her plans, to the sudden fodder to be fed into the rumor mill, and still to her confidence in herself to do what she decided on doing. 'The shit's really hit the fan now,' the woman thought to herself glumly.

And to add icing to the cake, so to speak... "I would recommend that you take a deep breath and stand still for a moment to allow your stress levels to stabilize," the recognizably feminine voice commented through the speakers, to which Jack shot an aggravated look.

"What makes you so fucking sure that I'm nervous, you robotic bitch?"

"Firstly, Jack, I am neither a robot nor a female dog," EDI replied in the same calm voice. "I am an AI tasked with multiple macro-functions required to maintain the peak condition of the ship. Furthermore, my sensors indicate your muscles are twitching erratically and your heartrate is beyond normal levels. At your current level of agitation, your attempts to engage in conversation with Commander Shepard will have a significantly lesser chance of ending on positive terms than if you were to calm down." Upon finishing the sentence, the AI dimmed the lighting in what appeared to be her attempt to induce a soothing atmosphere. "I urge you to collect yourself and patiently await your arrival at the top level."

"Dammit, EDI," Jack sighed loudly, shaking her head and coming to a halt at the back of the small space. "You sure can be as annoying as hell, but you got a point. Anyway..." the biotic continued while crossing her arms together. "How long is this ride supposed to take?"

There was a tangible pause before the feminine voice spoke again. "According to my study in human psychology and factoring in the extent of damage our recent mission into the galactic core to several vital ship functions, I conclude that giving you information regarding the length of time remaining before you arrived at the captain's quarters would be counterproductive to your current prerogative of reducing stress levels." The tattooed woman raised her eyebrows at what sounded like an AI actually disobeying a direct order of her own volition. EDI simply added, "You would be... disheartened."

Jack's jaw dropped. "Motherfucker..." she laughed out loud upon realizing the irony of the synthesized intelligence actually outwitting her. "You know what, EDI, I think Joker's rubbing off of you more and more each day."

"H-he is?" the AI replied in the oddest tone she ever heard from her. "Perhaps Jeff's speech and thought patterns may have influenced my own unwittingly. My adopting of his... idiosyncracies have been largely unintentional."

The female biotic grinned at this sudden change in disposition. "Say, EDI," she almost purred, her eyes narrowing maliciously. "How are you and Joker doing these days?"

"I do not comprehend the query. Jeff and I are in a normal state of operational efficiency."

"That's not what I meant, dammit." She would have to phrase this a little better in order to achieve her goal. "I mean, how is the... progress... of your, um, less-than-professional relationship with our good pilot?"

Another audible pause filled the air. "I comprehend your query now, Jack. Given the time remaining, I suppose I could explain to you in sufficient detail of our current extra-platonic interactions with each other." the woman could only raise her eyebrows in genuine curiosity at the AI's somewhat interesting choice of words. Before she continued, however, EDI gave her an odd instruction. "Please hold firmly onto the railing."

--- Loading...
--- During the great Commander Shepard's mission of invading Collector space in the very heart of the galaxy, he somehow felt compelled
--- to instruct Mordin to lead the escort of his crew back to the Normandy. Although he could not explain it, the Commander had a nagging
--- feeling at the back of his head that the good doctor would randomly go down from a stray bullet had he stayed behind to "hold the line".
--- ...

"...That was a joke."

The elevator doors opened up to reveal a scared little woman holding white-knuckled onto the handrails as if for dear life, her entire face and skin turned ghostly white to the point that even her tattoos looked as if they were bleached. The AI's assurance that the things she told her regarding her and Joker's professional, romantic, sexual and fetish-induced involvement - things that EDI actually expounded on in detail over the full 22 and a half-minute ride - was nothing more than her idea of humour did visibly little to, well, assure her.

'...Mother...'

"Jack, are you alright?" the feminine voice asked with what appeared to sound like concern. "I feel I must apologize; that particular joke was only meant to last approximately 3.54 minutes, and the punchline to coincide with the opening of the doors, much like how I pretended Joker would open my-"

"...whimper..."

"...Well, as I said, I had believed the punchline needed to be delivered only when the doors opened," EDI continued. "I did not account for the temporary malfunction of the elevator motor mechanism, which delayed the ride a further 18.96 minutes. I did not know how else to continue; I was already halfway into the joke." There was a pause. "I improvised."

"O-oh, my..." Jack's breathing was shallow. She could hardly think straight, let alone give even a half-hearted retort at the AI. Even if she was forced to improvise, she thought, 'h-how the f... how could she possibly have come up with all that!?' Few things fazed the galaxy's toughest biotic. She had seen the insides of people explode in front of her face. She had experienced the worst tortures known to medical science. She had gone through with the suicide mission and even came back with a huge grin on her mouth. But this...

"Wh-wh-where," the starch white woman clumsily began, "did y-you learn... about all that?" She gulped audibly, suddenly thinking that she would rather not know.

EDI only gave a single word in response after a long pause: "Extranet."

Jack started to breathe deeply, closing her eyes and slowly feeling some feeling back in her fingers as the blood rushed back in. "Figures. If the internet was for porn in the 21st century, then the extranet would be for..." The scantily clad woman shuddered; only now was she acutely aware of the chill in the room. "...much darker things." With shaky legs, she made her way outside, but turned her head slowly back towards the elevator. "EDI, do the universe a favor and never fucking improvise a joke for the rest of your unnatural life ever again."

"Agreed, Jack." As the biotic started inching away, the AI felt compelled to give some form of moral support in exchange for her severely lopsided experiment on casual social interaction, or 'small talk': "Good luck on your mission for romantic involvement with the Commander."

Jack jumped. "Will you shut up already, you fat, blue, glowing bitch!?" At this point, the biotic was extremely wary of anything her artificial companion had to say.

"Well, I'm sorry, Jack, for wishing for your success at overcoming the statistical improbability of your mission," EDI snapped back, her sudden hostile tone of voice taking even the self-appointed queen 'bitch' by surprise. "And I would have you know, Jeff explicitly acknowledges that real women have curves."

"...That was not a joke."

And before the woman could say anything in response, the elevator doors closed much faster and louder than normal, leaving her to stare with wide eyes at the metal panels as the motors hummed and started to fade in volume.

"Wow," she could only mutter, a mix of awe and newfound respect coloring her voice. "I think I just got served by the ship."

fin