The Relationship Convention

SCENE TWO: Eddie's apartment. A knock at the door. EDDIE answers and PENNY enters.

EDDIE: You didn't run into…?

PENNY: Leonard and the guys? Yeah. (crosses to set her grocery bag on the counter)

EDDIE: Damnit, I'm sorry. I didn't even know they were coming, and I shoved them out as quickly as I could.

PENNY: It's okay, it's not your fault.

EDDIE: So was it…?

PENNY: Awkward? Yeah, more than I thought.

EDDIE: Then I hereby call this meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy boyS to order.

PENNY: (chuckles) What?

EDDIE: From "Calvin and Hobbes". First order of business, we are gonna chillax until we forget what day it is. Second order of business, we will air all grievances. And third order of business, we will suggest solution strategies.

PENNY: Agreed. (takes a bottle of rum out of the grocery bag) First order of business.

EDDIE: I'm not much of a drinker, but I can mix mine with some Pepsi. Did you bring the movies?

PENNY: (takes DVD out of the bag) I brought the big guns.

EDDIE: (melts) Shakespeare in Love?

PENNY: And (takes another DVD out of the bag) Toy Story 3.

EDDIE: I don't have enough tissues for both of those.

PENNY: (takes a box of tissues out of the bag)

EDDIE: Okay, I'll get the DVD started, you pour the booze.

SCENE THREE: Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. Comic books, magazines, costume pieces, fabric scraps, and sewing notions are strewn about. Everyone is sitting and looking through the materials.

LEONARD: So I'm thinking that since Eddie's going to be in the Artist's Alley, we should all be Baron of Shadows characters to show our support.

HOWARD: That's perfect!

RAJESH: But how do we decide who gets to be the Baron?

LEONARD: Well, Sheldon's the only one tall enough to be the Cursed Overlord.

SHELDON: Excellent! I've been longing to have time in my schedule to build an exact replica of the Reclining Moon Blade, especially since I helped create the concept.

RAJESH: I'd like to be the Prince of Takla.

HOWARD: The Prince of Takla is really a princess, remember?

RAJESH: Yeah, so? I could just…be the princess as the prince…

SHELDON: Penny would make an excellent Prince of Takla, having a satisfactory balance between feminine appearance and masculine behavior.

LEONARD: Penny's not coming.

SHELDON: Did you ask her?

LEONARD: No, but even if I did, she wouldn't be interested.

RAJESH: See then, I get to be the Prince of Takla!

HOWARD: Come on, Leonard, suck it up and make up with Penny, or we'll be at the comic con with a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man.

RAJESH: Sort of like Victor Victoria. (everyone looks at him blankly) Julie Andrews and Robert Preston? (still blank) No? It's so whimsical!

HOWARD: Leonard, I'm begging you, ask Penny.

LEONARD: Alright, maybe I'll ask her, but we need time to talk things out first.

SHELDON: But we need to coordinate our costumes now. Experience shows that it could take weeks until the two of you reach an understanding, and we need to begin building our costumes as soon as possible.

HOWARD: Yeah remember for the con last year when we were running behind on our costumes, so we paid the quilting circle at the senior center to finish them for us? Between the rate we could afford to pay them and the tight deadlines, the manager thought we were running a senior citizen sweatshop.

RAJESH: Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Maybe it just seems awkward because you feel awkward, but she could be fine.

LEONARD: I guess that's possible…

HOWARD: She's at Eddie's right now. Why don't you call Eddie and ask her how Penny's doing with it?

LEONARD: Yeah, okay, sort of feel her out. That could be good. (takes out his phone and dials) Yeah, Eddie? It's Leonard. Listen, is Penny at your place right now?

EDDIE: Yeah.

LEONARD: Can you get a sense of how she feels about…you know…our current situation?

(cut to Eddie's apartment, where PENNY takes a drink from the rum bottle, then sobs as she's watching the TV)

PENNY: See, now that's what love's supposed to be like! Why can't I meet a man like Woody?

EDDIE: (into her phone) Well, yeah, I've got a sense of it…I sense that now is not the time to talk.

(cut back to Leonard)

LEONARD: Yeah, I kinda figured. Thanks. Oh, and congratulations on the Long Beach Comic Con! We all got our tickets for it.

EDDIE: Yeah, about that, I'm not going.

LEONARD: What? Why not?

EDDIE: I gotta go, the toys just dropped into the furnace. (hangs up, then grabs a tissue and clutches it as she watches)

HOWARD: So…?

LEONARD: For one thing, Penny's probably complaining about our problems to Eddie.

SHELDON: You didn't need to waste your cellphone minutes to learn that.

LEONARD: And also, Eddie's not going to the comic con.

ALL: What?

HOWARD: Why not? Didn't you tell her we're dressing like her characters?

RAJESH: Tell her I won't be the Prince of Takla, if that would make a difference…even if it will dash my dreams…

LEONARD: She didn't say why, she just said she wasn't going, then hung up.

RAJESH: Wow. So no Penny and no Eddie.

HOWARD: Yeah, what do we do now?

(beat)

SHELDON: Batman villains. I call Riddler!

SCENE FOUR: Eddie's apartment. PENNY's laying across the couch. EDDIE is laying half on the couch and half on the floor. Her cat GRIZZY is sitting atop the couch, flicking her tail in Penny's face. There's nothing but silence for a moment.

EDDIE: Penny?

PENNY: Yeah?

EDDIE: Is the rum gone?

PENNY: Yeah.

EDDIE: Then the first order of business is complete.

PENNY: Sure.

EDDIE: Next order of business: air all grievances. You first.

PENNY: Am I stupid to keep going back to him? I mean, we barely have anything in common.

EDDIE: (trying to sit up and compose herself) Yeah, but that's okay, because you've been learning from him, and he's been learning from you.

PENNY: I guess. I mean, when we're just dating, it's not a big deal. But when we tried living together, it all just blew up. Isn't that a sign that it's never going to work?

EDDIE: Do you want to end it with Leonard?

PENNY: Well, no.

EDDIE: Do you still love Leonard?

PENNY: Yes, I do.

EDDIE: Then the only thing proven by the failed attempt to live together is that you weren't ready to take that step in your relationship.

PENNY: Really? (sits up, then holds her head, aching with a hangover) Oh, balls! (slowly lays back down)

EDDIE: (gets up from the crouch and crosses to the kitchen to make instant coffee) Look, it's true that the two of you have known each for years, and yes you've dated before, but you've just gotten back together after being broken up for awhile. Moving in together just after getting back together was probably just jumping the gun.

PENNY: Yeah, you're right. We just got back together.

EDDIE: You need to become a couple again before taking the next step.

PENNY: Right. Yes. (slowly sits up as EDDIE brings her a cup of coffee) Thanks, Eddie. That really helps.

EDDIE: No problem. Now for the third order of business…

PENNY: Hold on, don't you have grievances?

EDDIE: No.

PENNY: What about that comic party thing? It sounds like a big deal. Why aren't you going?

EDDIE: (pauses as she invents an excuse) Well, you know, my readers think I'm a guy. If I show up and they find out I'm a girl, my readership might drop.

PENNY: Are you kidding? It's a bunch of geeky guys who only know two-dimensional pictures of girls. You'd be the most popular one there!

EDDIE: (sighs) Okay, the truth is, the last time I went to a comic con, nobody knew who I was, and it was a letdown.

PENNY: Really? Leonard and the guys really like your comic.

EDDIE: …okay, so that was when my story was just a book series, not a comic.

PENNY: Okay, I just downed almost a whole bottle of rum and I'm really hungover right now, but it seems to me like there's something you're not telling me. What's going on?

EDDIE: (heavy sigh) Fine. The whole truth is that…the publisher is cancelling the Baron of Shadows.

PENNY: What?

EDDIE: It's not selling enough, so I have four more issues to wrap up the story, then I'm done. Down and out. Washed up. Sce-rewed.

PENNY: Oh, Eddie, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say so before?

EDDIE: I dunno. I'm not used to "airing my grievances" to other people. I don't like to get people involved in my personal problems. If it just concerns me, why get other people worried over it? Anyway, that's why I'm not going.

PENNY: Well, but you must still be popular enough if they invited you to be a special artist.

EDDIE: Please, I'm local. I'm easy to comp because I have no travel expenses. Look, just forget it. Third order of business: propose solutions. Penny, I propose you go talk to Leonard and patch things up right away. He probably feels the exact same way you do, so getting back on track should be easy.

PENNY: Eddie, I propose you sign up to go to the comic thing and have one last chance to show people how awesome your story is.

EDDIE: Thanks, but not gonna happen.

PENNY: Alright, will you at least go to Leonard's with me, you know, for support?

EDDIE: Yeah, okay fine. Here, I'll give this back. (pulls a half-empty bottle of rum out of the fridge)

PENNY: Wait, what? The rum isn't gone?

EDDIE: When you started thinking of baby names for the children you would have with Woody, I decided you'd had enough.

PENNY: Oh. Good call.

SCENE FIVE: Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. LEONARD, HOWARD, and RAJESH have beers in hand, staring into space, while Sheldon is working industriously at a sewing machine.

LEONARD: I can't believe I blew another chance with Penny.

HOWARD: I can't believe you had another chance with Penny.

RAJESH: I can't believe we just lost a chance to have an artist connection at comic con.

SHELDON: I can't believe you guys aren't working on your costumes. If you fall behind, I'm not carrying you.

(a knock at the door; after LEONARD's bid for them to come in, PENNY and EDDIE enter)

PENNY: Hey, guys.

LEONARD: Oh, hey, Penny!

PENNY: Leonard, can we talk outside?

LEONARD: Yeah, sure.

EDDIE: You need me out there, too?

PENNY: No, I need you in here. Hey, guys, talk Eddie into going to comic con!

(before EDDIE can argue, PENNY and LEONARD duck outside, shutting the door behind them)

EDDIE: (calling out the door) You set me up!

RAJESH: Please, you've got to go to comic con so that I can dress up!

SHELDON: And I want to make a reclining moon blade replica!

EDDIE: Guys, settle down, cuz it's not gonna happen!

HOWARD: Come on, why not?

(cut to the hallway with Leonard and Penny)

LEONARD: Penny, I'm sorry things didn't work out.

PENNY: Me too, Leonard, but it's okay.

LEONARD: It is?

PENNY: Yeah, we were just pushing things too fast, that's all.

LEONARD: That's true, I guess. I mean, we did just get back together. Then moving in together right away…

PENNY: Right! It was just too soon.

LEONARD: Right!

(cut back to inside the apartment)

HOWARD: What?

RAJESH: Cancelled?

SHELDON: But it's not even halfway through the plot of the book series yet!

EDDIE: Yeah, well, don't tell that to me. It's the publishers that said it's not selling enough. Wait…(stares at Raj) You're talking. (noticed the beer in his hand) Oh. (instantly dismisses it) And anyway, judging by my recent royalty checks, I think I have to agree.

RAJESH: So…what are you going to do when it's over?

EDDIE: I don't know. It's been so nice being able to just do writing full-time, but…I guess I'll have to get some freelance gigs, or…work…retail… (shudders) I'll probably have to find a cheaper apartment, too, which sucks.

HOWARD: Well, you know Howie's got some spare room at his place. (puts his arm around her)

EDDIE: The spare room is going to be in your empty arm socket if you don't get off me.

HOWARD: (pulls away) Yeah, sure, no problem.

SHELDON: Only four issues to finish the story? But then it will be rushed and horrifically contrived. It will mar the wonderfully leisurely journey I've been taking with the characters.

EDDIE: I'm sorry, Sheldon. I'll do my best to finish well.

SHELDON: But your best can't possibly do well enough with only four more issues!

RAJESH: I think we're missing the central issue here. Eddie, you have to go to the comic con so I can dress up like my favorite character!

EDDIE: Who's your favorite character?

(cut back to the hallway)

LEONARD: So…we're still together?

PENNY: Well, let's see… (kisses him) Do you still love me?

LEONARD: Let's see… (kisses her) Yes, I still love you.

PENNY: And I still love you. (they kiss again) And you know, even if we don't live together, you can still sleepover.

LEONARD: That is good to know.

PENNY: Maybe you can sleep over tonight?

LEONARD: Tonight would be good. Tonight would be very good.

PENNY: Good.

(they're about to kiss again when the apartment door suddenly bursts open and EDDIE comes out)

EDDIE: (calling back toward the apartment) Okay, okay, I'll go! (rushes down the stairs)

LEONARD: (entering the apartment) What happened?

HOWARD: Eddie's agreed to come to comic con as long as Raj doesn't disgrace her characters.

RAJESH: Can I help it if the Prince of Takla is my favorite character?

HOWARD: Show them what you were planning on wearing.

RAJESH: (shows them a graphic novel cover; LEONARD and PENNY glance, then flinch)

LEONARD: Raj, that's when the Prince's tunic gets torn in battle and reveals her true gender as the Princess!

RAJESH: (sheepishly) Can I help it if that's my favorite part?

PENNY: (wincing) Oh, sweetie…just…no…

HOWARD: So Eddie's coming, and Raj isn't cross-dressing. It's a win-win!

SHELDON: It would be, were it not for the fact that a beloved graphic novel is coming to a close, and the fact that I already started work on my Riddler costume.

LEONARD: Coming to a close? What?

HOWARD: They're cancelling the Baron of Shadows.

LEONARD: What? Really?

HOWARD: Really.

RAJESH: That's what she said. (tearing up) I promised myself I wouldn't do this. Excuse me. (goes to the bathroom, shuts the door, starts weeping loudly)

LEONARD: (with determination) Gentlemen, start your sewing machines! We'll be the best Baron of Shadows cosplayers at the convention! And Penny… (taking her hand) …would you do us the honor of being our Prince of Takla?

PENNY: Uh…

LEONARD: It means you'll dress up with us at the comic con.

PENNY: Oh. Well, okay, sure, I guess. But just this one time, you know, for Eddie.

SHELDON: (holds up a completed Riddler costume) Oh well. I suppose I can always wear this one for the San Diego con. (suddenly excited again) I'm going to start working on my reclining moon blade!

SCENE SIX: The Long Beach Comic Con. EDDIE is sitting at her table, signing autographs for the few people surrounding the table. SHELDON, LEONARD, and HOWARD enter, walking in a formation so that PENNY is in the center of their group at all times. They approach the tables.

EDDIE: Hey, guys! Having a good time?

HOWARD: We were until people started figuring out that Penny is a real, live woman.

(the guys in line at the table stare at PENNY in awe)

SHELDON: (bearing his reclining moon blade aggressively) Fear not, Prince of Takla, none shall dare come closer!

LEONARD: Sheldon, that thing's made out of styrofoam.

SHELDON: And cursed by the dark magics of the sorcerer Hekubal!

PENNY: Guys, they're still staring at me.

SHELDON: Be gone!

EDDIE: Hey, look, only one limited edition commemorative figurine left!

(all the guys in the line squeal and run in the direction she pointed)

PENNY: So how've you been doing, Eddie?

EDDIE: You know, pretty great! Well, for one thing, I'm glad I dressed down. But it's been really cool meeting some fans. And you guys look awesome in those costumes! Let's get a group photo. (looking around the group) Where's Raj? Who did he finally decide to come as? (they all look at her with dread) What?

HOWARD: You really don't want to know the answer to that.

EDDIE: Please, what could be worse than him wanting to be the Prince-slash-Princess of Takla?

RAJESH: (enters, wearing a long wig and a skimpy amazon costume) Hey guys, I've been looking everywhere for you!

EDDIE: (starts to crawl under the table to hide) I knew coming to a convention would be a bad idea.