Ch 2- I've Got You
Elsie almost shook, clinging to his sweaty palm as they ducked into the dimly lit hall, making sure the coast was clear. The cover of night served to conceal them as they crept toward a rarely used guest wing of the house where even the maids seldom went. It was the perfect place, Elsie had said, to begin their clandestine tryst, she didn't even know if you could call it an affair. She shook, her hand firmly in his grasp as she led him up a dark back staircase that even he had only used a few times in his many years at the house. They'd thought of waiting until late and trying to sneak her into the men's quarters but decided against it.
'This will be more private.' She'd assured.
Elsie was afraid, but trusted Carson tremendously, and he was more nervous than he'd ever been in the whole of his life. He'd always dreamed of a night with her and even thought about it every time he came to her sitting room in the evening to spend time by her side. But he'd never expected that a night with her would go quite like this. He'd always supposed that there would be declarations of love first, and at least an engagement, if not a wedding. Oh how he loved her, he wished, so deeply he could make her see that.
Carson watched her carefully as she led him down the hall, this one deep dark and completely unlit. He gulped; reminded that there was no going back once she turned the lock on the door. She still shook in his grasp, signifying to him that she was scared. He squeezed her hand, trying to calm her, glad that he'd decided to bring a bottle of wine and two glasses with him upstairs.
"This one." She whispered, slowly opening the door, feeling his body press up directly behind her. She inhaled sharply at his touch, nearly jumping.
Carson was surprised at how grand a room she'd chosen but he couldn't say he wasn't pleased. It had a big cozy chair, a grand fireplace and a formidable looking four-poster bed, not unlike the one Lord and Lady Grantham slept in. It hadn't been occupied in a while and was a bit dusty, but nice all the same.
"Are you very sure about this?" He asked when she shut the door.
She looked small to him in that moment, and all the more frightened. He was unsure himself; mostly mired in a kind of disbelief he could barely even register and didn't know how to feel about the whole thing. Part of him was thrilled with the idea, another part certain he was allowing himself to embark on a long, painful road, and yet another portion of his being still practically bursting with anticipation. He was going to make love to the woman he loved and had loved for years. He would be able to touch her, to hold her and to, with his body, say everything he could not say with his words.
He smiled kindly, studying her nervous expression and took the liberty of taking her face gently in his hands, causing her to look up at him, her eyes flashing with uncertainty.
"You needn't be so afraid of me, or of… of what we're about to do."
Elsie gulped. She was afraid and more than anything, felt like a fool. She'd jumped on a silly idea, without giving much thought to the reality of following through with it. She'd never imagined he'd say yes, to making love without marrying her, or to agreeing to try to have a baby with her. The whole thing was sheer insanity and like something straight out of her misguided fantasies. Elsie stared up at him, transfixed and so nervous she was speechless.
"I-I-I…" She began and he leaned down to kiss her again.
"Relax." He whispered kindly when he pulled away understanding in an instant that she'd not done this before. "I will take care of you." He promised. "Trust me."
Love pierced her heart when he said this, it made her wish that his statement was true and transcended beyond this room, beyond any baby they might make together, and into every corner of her existence. He felt the same, his heart breaking a little as he cradled her cheeks in his hands, wishing he could just say it; 'I love you I always have.'
"Are you sure?" He asked instead, her face still in his grasp. She simply nodded, staring up at him with lovesick eyes as he kissed her again.
"Are you?"
"Very." He told her. "Just relax, Mrs. Hughes. I know you are afraid but when done right, when done, with… with communication… with… trust… with affection." He wished he were brave enough to say love. "It can be a very, very wonderful thing. I promise."
Carson quickly went to work building a fire in the hearth and when he was finished, poured her a large glass of red wine, hoping she'd readily consume the whole thing and then some. Getting her tipsy would make the whole thing easier, at least to start off with.
"Mr. Carson…" She hesitated as she took her first sip of wine. "I… this is new for me I've never…" She wanted to clarify, hoping now that she'd asked him to do this, that he didn't think she was really that kind of woman.
"No, no I shouldn't think so."
"And you?"
"There was a girl when I was very young." He informed matter of factly. It struck her as odd that he seemed unusually emotionless about this.
"Oh?" She asked.
"Yes … she was a lover, but she wasn't an ounce as dear to me as are you, Mrs. Hughes."
She blushed when he said this, her heart swelling again. In truth, Carson had thought he'd given Alice his heart. What had ended up happening instead was that he gave her his virtue and had his heart smashed to bits, both things he regretted deeply. In contrast, he'd given Elsie his heart years before and never thought he'd receive her virtue in return. Carson let go of his nervousness, moving into kiss her again, deciding to take his reward and love like a man.
He took her in his arms and kissed her, this time much deeper than before, easing his tongue gently into her mouth. She was surprised at the new sensation but found herself melting into him, clinging to his embrace and wanting more from him. She gasped into his mouth when she felt his hand wander to the buttons on the back of her dress, starting at the very top and beginning to unbutton one after the other. He had decided being the more experienced party that he would do most of the work for her and do everything he could to put her mind at ease.
"Shuuu. It's alright Elspeth, I've got you."
…..
Elsie was overwhelmed and stared up straight at the ceiling, listening to Charlie's settling breath. She couldn't believe where she was or what had just transpired.
"Mr. Carson…"
"I think its Charlie and Elsie now." He clarified, still catching his breath.
"Charlie." She tried, loving the feel of his name rolling off of her tongue. She'd whispered it many times in private: Charlie, but saying it in his presence gave the word new and special meaning.
"That was…" He began.
He was in love with her, and as a result completely shell-shocked by what they had they'd just done. His heart and head, everything swirled, almost distorting reality for him. He was disoriented and struggled with whether or not to compliment her; he'd never known it could be that good, that heartfelt.
"What do you want?" She decided to change the subject to the baby.
"What do you mean?"
"The baby."
"Oh! Well I hardly think you're taking orders. It will be what it will be but, you're going to be living with it, what do you want?"
"I don't know… either. I would love a boy, but I would think a lass would be easier on me to raise alone."
Elsie paused, nervous about saying this. She didn't know if he was one of those men who wouldn't care much for a daughter, her own father had sort of been that way, at least when she was very small. Meanwhile for Carson, her words stung 'to raise alone' … he did not want it to be that way and even if they remained unwed, even if they lived far apart he didn't want her to feel that she were alone or for his child to not know him.
"I should love either Mrs…. Elsie."
"You don't… you don't mind if I have a lass?"
"Part of me should prefer it." He smiled. "Who would not adore your daughter? I know I would be proud to be the da of such a wonderful lass." He laughed kindly, causing her to blush. When Carson thought about it; he liked the idea of fathering a mini Elsie.
She gasped, surprised when he leaned down to kiss her, giving her no warning before pressing his lips deeply into hers. She tilted her head, responding in kind and sighing. It had been a very timid first time in the beginning, especially given that it was her very first time, and only his second or third, but it had been better than Elsie had ever imagined it. It was the kind of experience that, baby or not, would make it harder for her to leave him behind than ever before.
"I love you." She whispered deep into his mouth as they kissed, but he did not hear her.
"I do have a request for you." He said, breaking the kiss. "You've issued your terms on our child and now it's my turn to issue mine."
"Oh?" She asked nervously, feeling him begin to stroke little circles on her lower back.
"First, should something happen to you; like death, for example, I insist the child be sent back to me."
"O-of course." She was stunned. She thought for sure he was about to say something like 'to an orphanage' or 'to my sister's.' "But what would you do, how would you…"
"I'm unsure, with hope I'll never have to think of it I just—if you're going to have my child Mrs. Hughes, I want you to be comforted in knowing that I'm as committed to caring for it as are you. And if something happens he or she will never know a day's loneliness. Daddy will be there."
"I picked the right man." She whispered and he kissed her forehead softly.
He gulped, wanting to say she'd chosen the only man, the man who loved her and longed to raise the child they conceived by her side.
"Secondly Mrs. Hughes, should you find yourself unable to feed the child or yourself I insist that you tell me and I will help."
"Oh but Charlie I…" She didn't want to be a kept woman or to feel like a mistress.
"Elsie. I will not create a child and put it out into the world to starve, not when I can and would like to provide for it. You asked me if I wanted to be a father without responsibility… and I do very much want to be a father… but I do want the responsibility." He explained almost sternly, causing a tear to run down her cheek. It was instant relief for the regret that had swept her once he'd crawled on top of her: she would not be alone in this, not in everyway.
"And even if you do not have a baby…please tell me if you need anything. I will not let you starve in the cold. I will not let you go without as long as I live, no matter where you are."
Elsie choked not knowing what to say, was this a confession of love or a promise made out of guilt?
"Thirdly, I expect to be with you when you have it."
"Charlie, I don't think doctors take kindly to men…"
"I want to know my child from its first day, and I don't want you to be alone in that either."
Instead of speaking further, he went back to kissing her. Elsie closed her eyes, relishing his touch, moaning softly as he pursued her, rolling her back onto her back. Elsie put her legs back, bracing herself as he repositioned on top of her. She understood his motivation right away, or she thought she did. She was leaving sometime soon and getting pregnant might take a while, so of course they should keep making love when they had the chance. In reality, he just wanted to hold her, to make love to her, to relish the chance to just be in her presence while he could.
"Thank you for making a vow to baby." She told him in between kisses.
His mind spun as he nibbled on her neck, wanting to tell her he longed to make a vow to her too, one that rung of a sacred promise and went something like this:
'With this ring I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish and obey till death do us part with all my worldly goods I thee endow.'
'God give me the strength to ask her.' He prayed nervously as she giggled underneath him, her nervousness about being in bed with him gone now.
She put on a good show but was secretly hoping he'd want to honor her in this way; that he'd want to be stuck with her forever.
"I love baby very much." He confessed, really speaking of her. "She just doesn't know that yet." He whispered, kissing her neck. She blushed, sighing deeply. "But she will, in time."
"Baby is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me." She whispered, pausing as she stared up into his eyes.
He said nothing, stopping as he cupped the dome of her head in his hands, kissing her lips, cheeks and forehead very sweetly as he sunk back into her depth.