So this chapter explores April's POV about everything that's going on. We haven't seen much about her motivations behind returning to Jordan so this has my take on it.
The characters are not mine (they would have way more sex if they were).
She needs it to be perfect. That's all April is thinking as she's putting the lasagna in the oven. The lasagna has to be perfect. Her cooking had always been a thing between them. Jackson loved to eat and she loved to cook; especially for him. Even back when they were just friends, on the rare occasion that they both had a night off, she would make dinner and he'd come home with beer, settling in for a movie that was mostly her choice. She smiled remembering that, how neither of them ever seemed to notice the intimacy of it all. Even Alex's occasional off hand comments of them being "married without benefits" never bothered either of them. That was then. Before they became something, before he became everything.
It was one of the reasons she resorted to cooking that night. That night. The first time he mentioned divorce. It's not like she didn't know that was where his head was at. After all, he was asking her to move out but to hear the word from his mouth crushed her. No matter how crazy she was acting (and she was acting pretty crazy), she hadn't expected him to bring it up so off handedly and then just walk out. In retrospect, she knows that it was too soon at the time. She hates that it took him moving out for her to realize it but she had been pushing way too hard when he wasn't ready at all; which is why she decided to step back after that night. To give him some space from her constant badgering and maybe he would come around to talking about them. In the meantime, every day that she saw him at the hospital, before looking at his face, her eyes would automatically be drawn to his left hand, looking for reassurance that the marriage she was fighting for was still there. She honestly didn't know what she would do if she saw him without the ring but thankfully that hadn't happened and she can't help but hope that it never will.
April sat at the table that she had set up dressed in a black dress. She kept it simple because she didn't want to read too much into their dinner and scare him off by assuming too much. She hated that it had come to this, all this tip toeing around each other's feelings felt too much like it was when they were broken up and the fact that even after going through so much, they were back here and she couldn't help but feel responsible.
She wouldn't apologize for going to Jordan for the first time. Leaving him alone for a year was terrible. She knew it then and she knows it now. But she needed to find a way to heal. It was for him as much as it was for her. She was a shell of her former self. She felt it and she saw it in his eyes too. Going was the only thing that made her feel the rush she used to feel before everything. As selfish as it may seem on the surface, expecting Jackson to be okay with a broken wife would be just as selfish and she didn't want that; she wanted them back. The old them. She had helped out so much there, had taught techniques that ended up saving people that would be dead if she wasn't there to teach them. She couldn't apologize for that.
When things didn't go back to normal after her return, she felt it was because she didn't have closure in Jordan because they were ordered out so suddenly. She felt as though there were things she still needed to wrap up and once she did that, she can go back to being herself. At least that's what she told herself. After Jackson's ultimatum, it took her a week, between crying and thinking, to decide. She knew this feeling of emptiness wouldn't go away if she stayed. Jackson needed her but she wasn't her yet and even though he wouldn't be as mad as he is now, she would have lost him anyway. She would have resented him, unfairly, but would have. That he took away her chance at being whole for them. They both felt the difference in the time that she was back the first time. They weren't back yet and staying back would have just kept them in that limbo. Their marriage deserved better than that. She remembers the look in his eyes when she told him. He shut down. Unreceptive to her pleas begging him to understand that it was the only way their marriage had a shot.
There were a few things she had realized during her second tour. The first being that she didn't need to be there as much as she thought she did; not just because of Jackson but because although in the past year, she had helped and taught a lot, she didn't have anything new to give. Even if just helping was rewarding, they could handle it without her there too. The real kicker was that even if it seemed like she put her marriage under the bus for no reason, she wouldn't have realized this if she hadn't come, wouldn't have realized that she had already made a difference enough to have a ripple effect that would in turn help so many people now and in the future.
The other thing she realized had hit her like a ton of bricks. That she hadn't been a good wife. There was no other way to put it. Right from the beginning, Jackson had stepped up. Regarding her insecurities, her faith, her beliefs, whatever issues that may have risen, he had effectively shut them down. She pushed the lump down her throat when she realized that she couldn't think of a single instance where she did that for him. Thinking of Sam still caused her a lot of pain but in moments like this, she couldn't help but. She doesn't remember having a single conversation with Jackson that focused on how he was dealing with it, the diagnosis or the aftermath. "Whatever you need.. I'm here". She closed her eyes remembering his words. How hard was it to say that? Why couldn't she have said that to him as well. Sure, he didn't tell her anything or open up to her either but.. It all boiled down to this. A whole bunch of could-have, would-have, should-have. Which is why it pained her to think that she might have realized all this too late. She needed a chance. One chance to make it right.
Meredith's dinner was when she felt the shift, the hope rising. He was gentler, more receptive. Once again in her corner, defending her before she started spiraling thinking about her hand in killing a child's mother. "Your dinner was excellent tonight". She smiled thinking about it, it was back to the cooking.
She wasn't sure where they stood when she brought up Kamal which was the reason that she lied about the scans. She knew it was wrong but she had really taken to the little boy and just didn't want to risk Jackson reacting the way he did without even meeting the kid. She couldn't help the smile on her face when he decided to try. All her emotions were jumbled up and her reaction seemed to transcend her concern for Kamal. Watching him operate with such determination overwhelmed her, she was consumed by how much she loved him and how much she can't imagine her life without him and every time he looked up at her from the OR, that feeling multiplied.
He didn't need to thank her when he did. Jackson not only changed Kamal's life that day, but he saved it as well. "We did it". A simple phrase and she was transported back to a bar in San Francisco. "Me & you". Before everything changed. All she wanted in that moment was to be near him. To be held by her husband. They fell into each other and she held on to him like her life depended on it and he seemed to do the same. It had been so long and she could still feel his breath on her neck and his hand on her hair. She could see he wanted to kiss her, his eyes were on her lips and his hands on her face but he pulled back and disappointment washed over her. They finally seemed on the same page and watching him walk away, she felt defeated.
As elated as she was about him asking her to dinner, the more that she thought about it, the her paranoia started acting up. After months of avoiding, if he really wanted to talk now, it could either mean something good or something really, really bad. If it were something good, wouldn't he just have come right out and said it? Now she couldn't shake the feeling that his procrastination in broaching the topic meant.. She shook her head. Last night had be wonderful and Jackson wasn't one to beat around the bush. He would just come right out and say it. It sounded more like she was convincing herself because considering the alternative would make her hyperventilate. One way or another, she would coax it out of him tonight. She loves him. Has only ever loved him and if he truly believed that he would be happier without her in his life, she will do it for him. Even if it destroys her, she will put him first. Finally.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock and she quickly wiped away the tears in her eyes and straightened herself up. She walked to the door taking a deep breath and opened it coming face to face with the love of her life.
"Hi".
So what do we think?. Does it seem convincing enough? I'd love to know your thoughts. I also have some free time so I'll be hopefully completing this fairly quickly. Review pls :)