The minister speaks
"it is hard when a young life is tragically cut short. But we must celebrate the life that was Edward's. look around at all the friends and family that loves Edward Cullen. You will keep the memory if him alive."
There is one memory of him that floods my brain every five minutes
It reminds me over and over and over again that I am the reason why my boyfriend is gone.
Memories might keep Edward alive.
But they might kill me.
After the service, people get into a line to tell the family
"I'm sorry for you loss"
"He was so young" Or
"let me know if there is any think I can do"
I'm one of the first people as I want to get it over and done with.
Edward's mum, Esme, is there and I try and say "I'm sorry" like I'm supposed to but the words will not come from my brain to my mouth.
She looks at me and I feel her eyes piercing my heart making it hurt even more.
She probably blames me like I blame myself, well I can blame her for that.
She tries to smile.
She asks politely, with no feeling because she has to say something
"Are you okay, Bella?"
I nod, but inside my heart is screaming and kicking, stomping throwing a tantrum like a two year old because I am definitely not okay.
She hugs me, a quick hug, a fake hug, an -I'm only hugging you because I don't know what else to do-hug.
Next I hug the people Edward loves the most in the whole wide world.
His two sisters.
And his two brothers.
I tell myself to be strong.
I should be strong for them.
But I'm not.
I sob into Emmett's black jacket he is the oldest now that Edward is gone.
"Ssshhhhh" he whispers
"You're going to get though this"
Just like Edwards's brother thinking about me not himself.
Next I cuddle jasper he is the youngest well he always has been.
Then me, Rose and Alice all have a girly hug in a little huddle Rose it the oldest out of the two girls however you could not tell much difference between them.
After that, I stand alone and wait for my mum so we can leave.
There is no line coming up to me saying
"I'm sorry" Or "he was so "young" Or "let me no if there s anything I can do"
It feels lie every one is looking at me, what are they thinking? Do I even what to no?
And then, like an unexpected rain shower on a day that's so dry you can't breathe, there Is Jessica squeezing me tight, Lauren s holding my hand and Angela is rubbing my back.
In the moment, I realize a circle of love is ten times better then a procession of sorrys.
Another procession
This time a line of cars driving to the cemetery.
Mum calls dad on her phone.
He on a business trip in Paris. He offered to come home. I told him it'd be okay. I have mum and besides that can he do?
I hear mum say
"Beautiful service…"
"She's hanging in there…"
"Wish you could be here…"
"Wanna talk to Bella?"
I shake my head and wave my hands to tell her no.
Theres's nothing to say that's mum hasn't said already.
"I guess she's tired right now…"
I make myself drift back to a happier time.
Edward came to our school in the summer from a different school in a different town.
He was the cutest boy in the whole school. With gorgeous brown hair that shined in the sun.
The four of us, Jessica, Lauren, Angela and me. All talked about him at lunch, eating tacos, my favorite food.
"How much shampoo do you think he uses to get his hair like that" Jessica once said
"I don't know but he sure does look sexy!" I said
"Oh, Mrs. Cullen" we all said.