I lied

I sit across from her in our usual booth in our usual pizza place.

She eats and complains again of the jock and his blonde bimbo.

I sip my soda and listen to her quietly. I don't have much to say about them.

Besides, it's good to hear her talk. It's so much better then her awkward silences of late.

I sigh internally, still drinking my soda. Really, it's just to be doing something.

I know I should let it go, just move on. I mean she has.

It's like nothing ever happened and that bothers the hell out of me.

Nevertheless, I can't complain if I want to keep her by my side.

I was stupid. I am stupid. I should have refused her.

So she kissed me, I should have stopped her there.

I didn't want to though. I wanted it. I wanted her.

I guess it was wrong of me to assume she wanted more then just a good romp.

I would never have pegged her as that kind of person.

I tune back into the conversation as she starts in on our History teacher.

I only have to nod, add an, "I know, what a moron," and she's satisfied.

I can go back to my thoughts as she continues. As long as she doesn't go silent, we're fine.

I know she's my best friend. That's all she should be a week later, but I can't find the heart to really accept that.

We spent the night together and I want more of that.

Not just for the pure physical part, although that was quite good. No. I want that person I had that night.

The person who trusted me, who cared, and the person I thought loved me.

She was very good at that lie. I wonder why I don't hate her.

Anyway, really this is all my fault. It has to be. I mean I can't really blame her…can I?

I mean I let my walls down and invited her in. I didn't exactly know her intentions.

I told her I loved her. Stupid I know. I should have known better. Maybe it's why she backed off.

Was it too soon, or am I deluding myself. Maybe there really is nothing there.

She says my name.

I perk up. Apparently, she said something that required my input.

She gives me a concerned look.

I wave it off, claiming tiredness. I know she sees past it. And she goes quiet.

Dammit.

We finish our meal and walk out onto the street. It's dusk and the air is cooling. It's comfortable.

We start walking our usual route to our homes. She's still silent.

I look at her. She seems to have something on her mind. I want to ask, but I know she'll say its nothing.

I'll accept it just because I don't want her to pull farther away.

However, there is so much I want to say, to ask, but we…she decided a week ago, enough was said and there was no reason to bring it back up a week later, a month later, or even years later.

She closed up just like that and the incident never happened.

We walk a few more blocks. We're coming up to a significant point in our route.

We reach it, the couple of blocks from my house.

I ask her if she wants to hang out at my house.

She hesitates…and then declines.

We keep walking, silent still.

I'm hurt she doesn't ask me to come over.

I'm not surprised, but I'm, nevertheless, hurt.

She won't hang out with me if no one is at her house.

We know her parents haven't come home yet, and her sister isn't usually home before dark.

She won't hang out at my house if no one is there.

We both know my brother is at rehearsal with his band, and none of my other family is ever home.

We reach my house, we say goodnight and she continues onward to her house.

I wonder if she's relieved to be out of my presence.

I won't go there. It hurts.

I walk through my dark and quiet house. I enter my room.

I contemplate turning on the light, but decide to open my window.

There's still enough light to illuminate my room, although, really I won't need any.

I just lie on my bed and stare at my wall lately. I don't know if I'm exactly broken, but I feel off.

You would think that with the misery I feel I would be painting my heart out. Isn't pain and misery the best for creativity?

I'd rather tear my heart out.

I kick my boots off and lie on the bed. Another night of staring at my wall. Maybe I'll try the ceiling today, or the door.

Ceiling, it doesn't hurt my neck so much. I sigh.

I have never felt this lonely before, even before I met her.

Last week ruined us. What was I thinking?

Especially with her. She has never been simple, or easy. She makes things so difficult.

Why did I think she'd be pleased with my contact? She hates human contact of any kind.

I was arrogant. Plain and simple.

I was arrogant in thinking she'd find me special and different.

She told me I was her first friend. Her best friend. It made me feel special. Egotism obviously isn't my strong point.

Maybe it's best if I walk away. I'd being doing us a favor

I can't stand that she feels awkward around me.

I can't take the pain of missing her and yearning for something that didn't even exist.

We weren't together, so why does this feel like some stupid breakup.

Probably because in some way she is dumping me.

I want someone to blame. I need it. Yet, I still can't figure out who to blame; her, for kissing me, or me, for letting it turn into something more.

Hormones. I'll just leave it at that, besides what can two teenagers really know about love.

That it sucks, and hurts like hell.

I sigh angrily.

I have to walk away. I can't do this and eventually, she'll want to leave too. I don't think us sitting in awkwardness can constitute as a close friendship.

Truth is, she and I are, or were, better off just being alone. I can't make friends, neither could she. So what were we thinking that made us think we'd be good as friends…well we are, were, whatever.

She's the best damn friend I ever had; I can't lie.

Okay, so we're good friends. Lovers, apparently is an impossible concept for both of us, or her.

So what do I do now? Do I walk away and live my life in misery, while deluding myself that I'm happy and that she'll be just as well off, or do I withstand this misery and still delude myself that I'm happy and that she's…I actually don't know what she'd think.

Either way, this needs to get resolved.

Nevertheless, I honestly wonder, can I walk away?

A knock at my front door interrupts my thoughts. I walk out to open it.

I'm surprised. It's her. Maybe she'll make the decision for me.

Please don't leave me.

She is staring at her boots and doesn't exactly look at me. After a moment, she mumbles something.

I barely hear it. I have an idea of what she said. I ask her to repeat it to be sure.

She still isn't exactly looking at me. She clears her throat.

I love you.

It registers pretty quickly, and I want to jump with joy, but that's not my style. Also, I'm afraid, as skittish as she is, that I'd scare her off.

So I smile amused. I can't resist.

I tell her that I think her boots feel the same.

She finally looks up at me with a light glare, but smirking which turns into a smile.

I smile too and take her into my arms.

I kiss her. She kisses me back.

She stays in my arms and then I invite her in.

I know we won't repeat what we did last week. I'm not stupid. Moreover, I don't care, just as long as she's here.

We sit in my room and start talking about what to do, but not in a worried manner.

We never cared what others thought before, so why start now.

I listen to her talk, and I'm more lively this time.

I'm content, and think, if I really thought I could have done well without this, without her…

I lied.