Love Letters

by Jasmin Kaiba

Part II

You don't play fair, Ace. You can't just ask me those questions. You can't expect me to always do everything, put myself out there while you sit in your fucking tower and wait to be rescued. It doesn't work that way.

And now you're doing the same thing with these letters. You knew that I would write back, damn it! You knew that I still love you and that I simply wouldn't be able to say nothing when you write a fucking letter to say goodbye!

But I won't be coming now, Rory. This time you'll have to leave your tower on your own, because I've had enough heartbreak to last me a life time. Each time I fought to get you back I felt as if I was just setting myself up to be hurt more. I knew you'd run again, I knew I'd have to fight again. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment and a damn masochist.

I can't anymore, Rory. I don't have the strength. My heart can only break so many times before the damage is irreversible.

I'm not saying that you're at fault for all our fights, God knows that I'm the master of screw ups, but I was the only one to try and make things right again. You always just gave up.

Sometimes I thought you didn't love me at all, if you were ready to just give up on us when we hit a rough patch.

A relationship is not just smooth sailing. There have to be rough patches and storms. If every time you simply stopped driving when you hit a bump on the road, you'd never get anywhere.

This isn't easy for me, Rory. You rejected my marriage proposal three years ago and now you're making it sound as if I was the one who walked away from us. I didn't, remember? I wanted us to be together forever, was ready to offer you the ultimate commitment, wanted us to be a family; but it wasn't enough for you.

Maybe if you hadn't shut me down completely by saying 'no' so readily and giving me back the ring, but asked for more time instead, things could have been different.

I would have given you all the time in the world, Rory. But you couldn't say 'no' fast enough.

You weren't ready to jump that time and it hurt me worse than anything else you could have done.

So now I'm going to be blunt, and I'm sorry if my honesty hurts you, but it needs to be said.

I love you, Rory. But I don't trust you anymore. Back in the day I trusted you with my life – and more important – with my heart. You betrayed that trust.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready to trust you again.

Logan

I guess I deserved that.

I understand, Logan, I really do. Despite how I may have seemed like a heartless bitch to you that day, I do know what you've been going through because of me.

I had three years to reflect on everything, since the very beginning and I'm very much aware of how much my behavior must have hurt you. You were the last person I wanted to cause pain Logan, you have to believe me. Call me naïve, stupid, whatever you want, but do not for one second doubt my love for you, now and back then.

God knows how much I love you, and how every second I spend away from you hurts more than the last.

Nobody ever told me that self-inflicted wounds burn the most. But I should have known better.

I am sorry if my letter had caused some of your own wounds to reopen, I truly did not wish that.

I don't know what I wanted when I wrote that first letter. I just miss you so much; I wanted to feel connected to you, somehow, I guess.

But all I achieved was more pain and suffering for both of us.

How pathetic.

I got the idea from Mom, actually. And before you ask, no she did not tell me to apologize. She never wants to talk to me about you. I do realize that she only tolerated you, God knows why.

I copied her, you know.

Some months ago, she had this weird phase where she wanted to apologize for all the screw-ups in her life. So she found Dad and the two of them spent the night drinking tequila while she went on and on how sorry she was about everything. I was stuck watching Gigi.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, she said something that set Dad off – no surprise there, even mellow Christopher Hayden has a temper and she'd always been the best trigger for it – and they fought again. Then she came home and blasted music.

One song over and over - because all her other attempts at apologies went similarly – till I couldn't stand it anymore. Carrie Underwood's 'The more boys I meet'. She sang along and got drunk. Later she explained that she really liked the part where Carrie sings, "The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

Of course she wanted a new dog after that as well.

It would have been pointless to explain that it has not been the boys' fault all her relationship attempts failed.

(For some reason she never tried to apologize to Grandma and Grandpa).

I'm not trying to make it sound as if our split up was Mom's fault. Sure, she might have played a role, but ultimately the decision had been up to me. And I obviously made the wrong choice.

I live in New York now. Well, you obviously know that, but I just wanted to point out that I left Stars Hollow. Not for good, never for good, but I needed a change of scenery.

After touring the States on Obama's trail, I realized that I couldn't go back there and be their little princess again. That Rory was long gone.

So I got a job in New York and moved to the big city about a year ago. It's still scary as hell, but I'm managing.

Mom is up here every chance she gets and I try to travel there as often as I can; especially now that Grandpa had another heart attack. The doctors said that he may not have long left.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll lose him sooner rather than later. And without Grandpa… I don't know what to say to that. Grandpa has always been my crutch, my anchor. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. Grandma is great and I love her to pieces, but it's not the same.

I'm sorry. I don't want to burden you with my problems. You probably have enough to worry about without me.

Stay healthy,

Ace

I'm sorry about your grandfather, I know you're close. You just have to believe that sometimes the doctors are wrong and he might make a full recovery before you know it.

I don't know what to tell you, Rory. I imagine that our break up couldn't have been simple on you either, and one selfish part of me is happy that I'm not the only one suffering. A far worse part is gleeful because my vindictive side wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. But that won't end our problems; it would only make more of them. However we might have ended, we once had a beautiful thing with each other and I've already said that I want to cherish that memory. Not tarnish it with more hurt and pain.

As for your mother… I always tried not to be judgmental and I really do respect her for raising such a great daughter and for everything she'd had to sacrifice for you. But she's unreasonable and thickheaded to a fault.

I know it's not my place to say those things, but I still will. She put me in the same category as all people from high-society and proceeded to judge me for things that I couldn't influence and had no control over. She never gave me a chance to prove that I actually might be really good for you.

I fucked up plenty of times and my past will always be an issue, no matter what, but I couldn't have been worse than Jess, who picked up and left time and again without a goodbye, or Dean who married a girl he didn't want then took advantage of your vulnerability and made you into a home-wrecker.

Your mother only saw the prominent last name, my father's shadow, the money and was done with me. My character didn't matter in the slightest to her. I might have been a saint in designer clothes and she would still have labeled me a rich asshole. All the people from my world are the same to her, after all.

I understand she had a bad childhood (couldn't have been worse than mine, because Richard and Emily Gilmore could never be worse than Mitchum and Shira Huntzberger), and she wanted to get away, I even respect that. But to simply judge us all the same is not fair.

How would it feel if I or anyone else from my world looked at her and only saw the fact that she had a baby at sixteen and judged her for it, never taking other factors into account?

My opinion on your mother is far from flattering, and I'll stay away from that topic as much as possible, but some matters still needed to be spoken of.

At the very least I'm glad that you're proving you can be independent, after all.

New York is great, I'm sure you'll be happy there.

San Francisco is actually very good to me, I admit. I sold the house I'd bought for us and have gotten myself a nice penthouse not too far from work. Now I'm thinking about getting a house on the beach, but I might have to move to L.A. because of my job, so I'm holding back on making that decision yet.

I don't know if you heard or not, but my grandfather died about a year ago and left me a whole fortune, and my father's been trying to get me to come back and take over the company ever since. I don't see that happening any time soon, though. The issues I had with Mitchum back in the day still have not been resolved and till we find a common ground with each other, I'll stay away. I've proven to him that I can take care of myself and succeed on my own. Now he just has to acknowledge that, because I'm over letting anyone try and belittle me again.

Honor and Josh have a child, a baby girl named Adele. She's absolutely perfect and precious, so beautiful too. All golden blond hair and big blue eyes. She's gonna break many hearts when she grows up. For now though, she's taken a shine to me, it seems. They visit me every few months and the little munchkin doesn't seem to want to be away from me. According to Honor her first word had been 'Ogie', because Honor always called me Logie in front of her. So I'm Uncle Ogie, now.

Colin and Steph are getting married in a few months, can you believe that? Finn is still traveling the world. That guy will never settle down.

I don't know anymore, Rory. All that's happened between us cannot be undone. You can't take away the pain, no matter how much I would want to.

But I would like it if we could at least be friends again one day.

This is me reaching out. It's all can offer you. I don't think we as a couple will have a chance again. Even trusting you on a friend basis is going to be monumental for me at this point.

Everything else is up to you.

Logan

AN: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews on the first chapter. I hope you enjoy this one too.

As always, many thanks to my amazing beta xshynenstarx; I don't know where'd I'd be without you.