The next morning Nikki and Helen still hadn't spoken about what Neil had said. In fact, they hadn't spoken at all. Helen wasn't sure why she felt so angry with Nikki, it wasn't logical. Both of them had been upset by Neil visit, Nikki seemed to just want to cuddle up and forget about it but Helen couldn't. Something had snapped inside her and she was feeling so angry and confused. When Nikki had tried to snuggle up to her for safety and security, Helen had instinctively jumped away. For some reason it didn't feel right to be in a warm, comfortable embrace with her partner. It might have been guilt, that Helen had escaped Fenner's grasp and was now living happily with the love of her life, but Karen and Shell had both been taken advantage of by the bastard.
Helen was now feeling really guilty, not just about leaving the women of Larkhall to suffer at the hands of Jim Fenner, but also about pushing Nikki away at a time when she really needed love and support. She went into the kitchen where Nikki was making coffee and went to put her arms around the taller woman. Nikki though, leapt away bitterly, slamming down the coffee pot and walking over to the table before turning to look at Helen. "Sweetheart, please." pleaded Helen. "What's your problem Helen? Last night we could have really helped each other by talking things through or just being there for each other but no, you decided that I am not good enough for you. You punish me like its my fault he came here or my fault what we both experienced in that place." ranted Nikki, "I'm sorry." interrupted Helen,
"SORRY? I just wanted to make sure that you were OK, because I care about you and I was worried about you. And, to be honest, I could have really done with some support last night, you aren't the only one who has bad memories of that place. You are supposed to care about me, you said you loved me." Nikki continued ferociously. "I do care, I love you so much it hurts, there is no excuse for what I did last night, I just...I...I just..." Helen broke down into tears. Nikki stormed out angrily. "I'm going out." she shouted, grabbing her coat and slamming the front door behind her. Helen was left standing in the hallway, shell-shocked. Had she finally blown it? Gone too far? Pushed Nikki over the edge? She panicked.
Two and a half hours later Helen was frantic. Why hadn't Nikki come home? Why hadn't she called. Her mobile was turned off but Helen had left nearly 50 messages on it, she also called the library, they hadn't heard anything, she had even called Trish, but she hadn't seen Nikki either. Helen was just about to call the police to report her missing when she heard a key in the lock of the front door. She froze as Nikki entered, unsure of how to react, they just stared at each other speechlessly. Silent tears ran down Helen's face, she was totally overwhelmed. Her legs began to buckle, but before she collapsed completely Nikki was at her side, holding her in a tight embrace, "I'm sorry." Nikki whispered quietly. "Me too." sobbed Helen.
Straight after her meeting with Neil ended, Karen rushed back to the wing. She was planning to go straight to Yvonne and tell her what Neil had said and what they had planned for that night, however, when she arrived back at the wing, Julie S was there having refused to stay at the hospital any longer after her operation, this meant lots of paperwork for Karen. She had to liaise with the hospital and talk to the SMO about Julie's treatment, plus organise ID and a pass for the breast care nurse who would be visiting regularly.
Eventually she found time to go and speak to Yvonne, who was lying on her bed smoking a cigarette when Karen entered her cell. "Worked out what you're gunna say t'Miss Stewart yet?" the older woman asked. "Not quite but guess what!" Karen replied, "Neil, I mean Mr Grayling, he went to see Helen last night. Spoke to her. She said she won't help but he's going to go back tonight. I'm going with him. There is still a chance.", "You think you can persuade her?" asked Yvonne. "I don't know. I'll try, I promise."
Later that evening, Karen found herself driving her and her boss to visit Helen Stewart. She had been thinking hard about what Neil said about Helen being with someone from Larkhall called Nikki, she racked her brains, trying to work it out. She couldn't think of a single officer or member of staff at Larkhall called Nikki but she still felt like she was forgetting someone. The name definitely rang a bell.
Neil was looking decidedly nervous as they arrived on the doorstep of the large, beautifully looked after house. "You OK sir?" Karen asked, concerned. "I'm just not completely confident that they are going to let me in. They were both in a right state when they kicked me out last night." replied the number one. "Well, here goes." said Karen with an unwelcome knot in her stomach as she pressed the doorbell.
After lots of tears, cuddles and apologies, Helen and Nikki were definitely back on track. They both accepted that the issue of Larkhall had messed with their heads, they had both got upset and lost their tempers, unfairly treated each other. They had fallen back into each others arms, fitting together perfectly. This is what love is: the ability to feel so safe in each other's arms. They spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking (not about Larkhall though), laughing and listening to music. It felt perfect. By the time evening came they had put on their favourite CD of love songs and were dancing around the front room in utter bliss. Dancing with Helen felt like the most natural thing in the world for Nikki, their bodies just seemed to flow together into one graceful being and it always felt so intimate. Nikki was completely lost in the music and in Helen, until they were rudely interrupted by the doorbell.
Nikki made her way towards the door but Helen beat her to it so Nikki stayed in the front room, listening out to see if she could hear who was calling on them at that time of night. She heard the door open, then immediately slam closed again. "Its him again Nikki" Helen whimpered, Nikki could hear voices from outside. She yanked open the curtains and opened the big bay window in the front room, "Just leave us alone! We can't help you! Stop bothering us!" Nikki yelled to the people outside, she then noticed that Neil was not alone.
Upon seeing the blonde woman who was standing next to him, Nikki leapt away from the window, "Shit!" she swore, backing as far away from the open window as possible, "Miss Betts is with him, I think she saw me.", "Karen? Are you sure?" muttered Helen apprehensively, going to the window and gingerly peering out. "God it is. Shit." she whispered, carefully closing the window and the curtains, then shuffling over to give Nikki a cuddle. "You OK sweetheart?" Helen asked. "Yea, you?" replied Nikki, tilting her head to look into her partner's eyes. "Fine." Helen reassured her, kissing Nikki passionately. Neither of them wanted to think about Karen Betts or how she might be reacting to what she saw./
"Well that went well." said Neil, angrily glaring at the closed door, "Karen are you OK? You look like you've seen a ghost." he asked, concerned. "It can't be!" she muttered, and raced back to her car. She sat there muttering to herself like a madwoman until Neil sat beside her and she drove off. "Karen, I know you're frustrated, but please don't be angry." Neil said calmly, "We'll get him Karen, I promise.", "What? Sorry? Um...oh right...um...yea...get him...yes." Karen mumbled. Neil was confused at Karen's reaction to their failure. It was understandable that she would be disappointed, upset even, but this. Somethings wasn't right. He glanced out of the window and realised that they definitely were not heading towards his flat, or Karen's, they were heading back in the direction of Larkhall.
"Karen, are we going back to work? Why?" he asked, bemused. "Nikki," muttered Karen angrily, "I don't believe it. It can't be.", "What are you talking about Karen? Did you recognise Nikki looking out of the window? Do know her? Did she work at Larkhall? Will she help us, even if Helen won't?" Neil asked, enthused by the possibility. "It can't be." Karen continued as if Neil hadn't even spoken. They sat in silence for the rest of the journey.
Karen parked the car and hurtled towards the main gate, Neil followed her, still thoroughly mystified. The chap on duty let them both in, giving Neil a curious look, which the number one answered with a shrug. Karen was barreling her way towards the records library next to the reception, she seemed to have forgot that Neil was even there.
She raced over to the wall of filing cabinets, glancing at the labels until she found the one she was looking for and wrenched it open. Neil jumped back in surprise at the noise, he was starting to worry about Karen, she looked scarily angry and he couldn't understand why. Then Karen came running at him madly, waving a file in her hand, pointing to the mug shot on the cover, "Is that her? The one that was at Helen's? Please tell me it wasn't. Please!" she babbled.
Both Helen and Nikki just wanted to forget that Karen Betts had been on the doorstep that evening. Helen was feeling really shaken and she was sure that Nikki was feeling just the same, she didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted to be with Nikki. She lent into another deep, passionate kiss with her partner, running her hands through Nikki's hair. Nikki kissed her back, pushing Helen down onto the sofa and straddling her waist. Helen's hands busied themselves with Nikki's blouse as she felt Nikki's hands unbuttoning her trousers, both of them were breathing quickly and heavily and Helen could feel her heart pounding in her chest.
Some time later they were lying together curled up on their bed, enjoying the simple intimacy of their situation. At times like this Larkhall seemed a million miles away and they could both forget, for a short time, all the pain they had endured to get to this point. Helen, exhausted after their passionate session, breathed in deeply, taking in the familiar smell of her partner. She nuzzled her face into Nikki's chest and felt a light kiss on the top of her head.
The doorbell rang for the second time that night; both women gasped audibly and grabbed onto each other for support, "Don't answer it." whispered Nikki. "No." Helen agreed. However, both women continued hanging onto each other in fear. They heard angry knocking and shouting, "Let me in Helen, now! Let me IN!", "Betts," breathed Nikki as Helen whimpered. "It's OK sweetheart. I'm here," Nikki reassured her partner. "HELEN STEWART LET ME IN NOW ELSE I'M CALLING THE POLICE!" screamed Karen's voice from the doorstep.
By this point, tears of terror were streaming down Helen's face. She looked up and saw that Nikki was crying too, "We can't let her call the police," Helen whispered, "Should I go down?", "No baby, I'm not letting her upset you." said Nikki forcibly. "I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES HERE HELEN! LET ME IN!" another yell came up. Sobbing loudly, Helen stumbled out of the bed, pulled on her short, silk dressing-gown and crept tenderly downstairs, Nikki followed behind her, pulling on her own dressing-gown. Helen could hear the telltale ragged breathing that gave away how scared Nikki really was, even though she was trying to hide it to support Helen.
"LET ME IN RIGHT NOW HELEN STEWART! I'M NOT JOKING! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!" Karen yelled, burning with anger. There must be a mistake. Helen Stewart would not be so unprofessional. Living with an ex-con? Neil had hinted at more, but he must have been imagining it, Helen was certainly not gay. Think about Thomas Waugh and that other guy, the one she was engaged to, who burnt his wedding suit in-front of the whole wing.
Karen heard a click at the door and it opened a centimeter, "Please Karen, just leave us alone." whispered a quiet voice through the tiny crack. "Let me in and explain everything Helen." barked Karen, reaching her hand in and pulling open the door. She shoved her way aggressively through the door and found herself staring into Helen Stewart's fearful, tear-stained face. She suddenly felt really guilty for barging into this woman's house, but this feeling evaporated as soon as she saw Nikki peeking out behind her. "Tell me everything." demanded Karen, sternly,
All three women made their way silently into the front room and it was then that Karen realised what the other two women were wearing. She was shocked to say the least. Both women were wearing tiny, silk, wraparound dressing-gowns that were barely decent, a far cry from Helen's Wing-Governor power suits and Nikki's bland prison outfits that Karen was used to seeing the two women wearing. Karen saw Nikki wipe the tears from her face, "I'll put the kettle on." the ex-con whispered, leaving the room.
"What IS she doing here? You are unbelievable Helen Stewart! Don't you remember what she did?" Karen asked furiously. "SHE WAS PROTECTING TRISHA" shouted Helen, "and I love her." she continued. "LOVE?" Karen yelled "SHE'S A MURDERER!" Helen's eyes snapped to look Karen directly in the eye, "No she is NOT. Do NOT speak about her like that." Helen said in a dangerous tone that made the hair on the back of Karen's neck stand up.
Nikki walked in carrying a tray with three cups of tea and a bowl of sugar on it. Her heart fluttered as she heard Helen defending her to the blonde officer, it was a mixture between pride, love and absolute terror. She put the tray down on the coffee table, never taking her eyes of Karen, "Why are you here Miss Betts? We told Neil, we can't help you." Nikki said, her voice remaining calm despite how she really felt inside. "I want to know what the hell is going on between you two and why either of you think your situation is acceptable." stated Karen with authority.
"We love each other." said Nikki simply at the same time that Helen shouted angrily, "It's none of your business you bitch. Neither of us are at Larkhall anymore, we aren't doing anything wrong.", "Sweetheart, calm down, don't get angry. It's OK." whispered Nikki, stroking Helen's cheek and then squeezing her hand in reassurance. "Sorry, I love you too." Helen told her. She noticed Karen Bett's eyes flickering from Helen's cheek to the couple's hands, but Nikki couldn't read her expression. Confusion? Disgust? Anger?
"Please Karen, just go." begged Helen, her voice wobbling. "Jim lied to me about so many things. He's an utter bastard but he has a habit of making people believe him. As soon as I realised what a bastard he is, I stopped believing anything he said. He was always adamant that there was something between you two. Don't tell me he was right. What else was he telling the truth about?" Karen rambled. "Listen Miss Betts, Karen," Nikki said, glancing at Helen, willing her not to be angry, "Nothing happened until after I was released. I assure you."
Karen didn't know whether to believe what Nikki said, but she realised that even if it wasn't true she had no chance of getting Nikki or Helen to tell her the facts. "Right," Karen said, unconvinced by Nikki's story, "Then tell me why you won't help us." she demanded. Nikki and Helen looked at each other with panic written across both their faces. "We just can't." Nikki said with gritted teeth, as Helen burst into noisy tears, burying her face into Nikki's chest.
"But why not?" asked Karen, frustrated, but by this point Helen was hysterical. She was sobbing uncontrollably in Nikki's arms when she started to gasp for breath and clamped her hands over her ears, shaking her head. "Shit." muttered Nikki to herself, then "It's OK sweetheart. Remember what Dr Chester said. Breath from down here. Slowly." putting her hand on Helen's abdomen. "Listen Karen, she's having a panic attack. She needs her medication. Its in the cupboard above the sink in the bathroom upstairs. Its got a dark blue label."
Karen rushed up the stairs, she could see that Helen was in a bad way and she felt really guilty for what had happened. She had been so angry at what she had discovered about Helen Stewart and Nikki Wade, that she forgot to be sensitive and had ended up triggering Helen's panic attack. "Karen, please could you bring a blanket too. They're on top of the wardrobe in the bedroom. Thanks." Nikki's voice swam up, smoothly, from downstairs., it was obvious that she had dealt with this situation before, she was managing to stay completely calm and in control while Karen was panicked and confused.
She opened several doors on the upstairs landing before finding the bathroom; she entered, walking straight over to the sink then pausing. It was strange enough seeing the peculiar couple sitting on the sofa cuddling, but here she was, in their bathroom. It didn't look very different to any other bathroom she had been in before. A half finished tube of toothpaste and two toothbrushes sat side-by-side in a plastic cup on the edge of the sink; the simple domesticity of this image almost reduced Karen to tears.
It hit her that these women were really serious about each other and that it wasn't just a game or a bit of fun. They were sharing their lives, properly. It was more than Karen had done with anyone since her ex-husband Owen and with him there had never been evenings together snuggled on the sofa, no romance, completely different from these two. "Karen have you found them?" called Nikki and Karen jumped to her senses. "Just coming." she called, picking out the bottle of tablets from the cupboard.
Before she went downstairs, she located the bedroom, a beautifully decorated room full of photos of the smiling couple and ornaments that looked like they had come from all over the world. The wardrobe was colossal; an intricately carved wooden giant, that managed not to dominate the room too much. For some unknown reason, Karen found herself opening the wardrobe, examining its contents, it looked nothing like hers and Owen's had. Here, a rainbow of colours shone out, elegant evening dresses hung next to comfy looking woolly jumpers, but most importantly all the clothes were mingled together, there was no 'Nikki's clothes here' and 'Helen's clothes here', it was a compound of two lives that were well and truly bonded together. It was beautiful. Karen gently shut the wardrobe door and grabbed a blanket off the top, turning to go back downstairs.
As soon as Karen reentered the front room, Nikki grabbed the blanket and wrapped it tightly around, the now shivering, Helen, then took the bottle of tablets, taking two out and placing them straight into Helen's mouth, then gently lifting the glass of water she had just fetched from the kitchen to her lips. Helen drank deeply and swallowed the pills. She was still shivering madly but Nikki knew that it would calm down before long, she was used to Helen's panic attacks. In the first few months after Larkhall they had happened almost every other day, but now they were a lot less regular, not even once a fortnight. Nikki herself had had a few bad nights, dreaming of being trapped in her cell, but never as bad as Helen.
Nikki gave Helen a light kiss on the forehead and whispered, "I love you sweetheart. It'll be OK." Helen's shivering was subsiding, her breathing was less frantic and it seemed that she was no longer hearing the violent buzzing that was a regular symptom of her anxiety. Nikki squeezed her hand to reassure her, glad that the attack seemed to be passing, then remembered that Karen Betts was still there and looked around.
Nikki was surprised to see a string of tears rolling down Karen's face. "What's up?" asked Nikki, defensively, only to be met by an uncomfortably probing stare from the blonde woman. "This is real isn't it." said Karen quietly. "What's real?" asked Nikki, thrown by the question and by Karen's tears. "You two. I mean... you're real...I...I mean...well...serious." Karen babbled confusingly, trying to simplify her words, "You care."
"Of course I care." said Nikki, slightly angry, "I love her. This isn't a stupid game. We aren't childish teenagers just messing around. This is forever." she continued, stroking Helen's face. Helen had pretty much calmed down now, her breathing had leveled and she had stopped shaking, now she was looking up at Nikki with a weak smile. Nikki leaned down to kiss her, "Feeling better?" she asked. "Yes." replied Helen, "I love you too. Forever." she added, kissing Nikki again.
"Look Karen," Helen continued, "I know it's not strictly allowed, me being with Nikki but, as Nikki said, nothing happened until after her release, and I had left the prison service by then. I really love her.", "Alright," said Karen, "I've heard you. But why does this mean you can't help with our case against Jim?" These words made Nikki shudder, she glanced over at Helen, unsure how to answer the question. "It'll come out." replied Helen, "Now please Karen, just leave us alone. We just want to get on with our life. Good luck with the case but please, leave us out of it."
Karen stood up, resigned to the fact that she wouldn't get any help from either of these women. She was puzzled by her own reaction to the revelation of Nikki and Helen's relationship. She should be angry, admittedly she had been at the beginning, but now she sort of felt jealous. Not because she liked Nikki or Helen in that way, but because they had this beautiful, loving, caring relationship. Karen envied them. Then suddenly it hit her.
"If nothing happened before you both left Larkhall, then how did Jim know about you two?" she demanded. This time it was Nikki who did all the shouting, "Helen asked you to leave so go. Leave us alone. We've left Larkhall and Fenner behind. We just want to move on.", "You didn't answer my question." said Karen forcefully, fuming that they were keeping something from her. Nikki jumped up aggressively but Helen held her back. "Jim Fenner guessed my feelings for Nikki while I was still at Larkhall, feelings that I did not act on until after I left. He had absolutely no proof, because there was nothing to prove, but he did refer to it during his sexual assault on me. I am not prepared to risk him discovering that he was right; it might put Nikki in danger. I promised that I would keep her safe." and with this, Helen broke down into fresh tears.
Nikki put her arms around her lover, "Karen, please just leave. We can't help. and tell your Mr Grayling, and anyone else involved, to stay away." Nikki walked into the hallway and opening the front door, indicating for Karen to leave; it was clear that she had overstayed her welcome.
She left, closing the front door behind her. Finally resigned to the fact that Helen Stewart would not help her. Standing on the doorstep, overwhelmed by the evenings events, Karen pondered the officer-inmate relationship. One person stuck in her mind. Yvonne Atkins.