Descent
Chapter Two
As Minerva struggled back to consciousness, to the torment of a reality that she didn't want to live in, cold hard stone dug into her bones pressing bruisingly through flesh that was all too thin after weeks of insufficient nutrition. Hazily Minerva stared around confused and disorientated. 'Where was she ?' A gasp of surprise as blurred vision cleared and the room swam into focus - her own chambers, she was in her own chambers, lying in a heap by her bed. 'How could this be ?'
Logic said that she had dreamed, that all that had passed before had been a dream, but it seemed so clear so real. Albus, his voice soft on the night air, so far away and yet so close, the touch that could have been the caress of the summer breeze, had that all been just a dream ? Had she dreamed an entire day ? Sickening fingers of a long held deeply buried fear clutched at Minerva, tendrils of terror that strangled the air from her lungs. She was suffocating, gasping panic stricken for breath. 'I'm not her, I will not be her.' Minerva grasped the emerald tartan blanket that hung from her bed, hauled herself up, fought back the panic, and clung to the wooden bed post as though it were a lifeline as the room spun around her.
As the spinning eased a little Minerva decided to abandon the support of the bed post. At once her legs turned to jelly as weakness overcame her, the room rocked violently, nauseatingly. As the mist of unconsciousness rushed in on her Minerva's last sense was of the ground lurching up to meet her.
Poppy found Minerva some minutes later sprawled on the floor of her chambers in a dead faint. "Minerva !" Poppy gasped and rushed to her friend's side, rapidly checking her pulse. Poppy sighed in exasperation as she gazed down at the pale form before her, really this was bound to happen if you scarcely ate or slept. Minerva couldn't be allowed to continue like this any longer. Tenderly Poppy cradled her friend's head in her arms, "Minerva wake up." She said softly, then patted her face gently and saw Minerva's eyes flutter open in response.
Arm firmly around Minerva's waist Poppy helped her to an armchair, then fetched a cool glass of water from the bathroom and held it to Minerva's pale lips. "Drink this." She commanded.
As Minerva sipped the water she regained her senses fully, and stared up at Poppy's concerned face with more than a hint of annoyance.
"Now Minerva don't you glare at me like that." Poppy said firmly. "You know perfectly well that you haven't been looking after yourself lately, really it's a good job I came to see you when I did...."
As Minerva opened her mouth to protest, Poppy silenced her with a glare that nearly rivalled Minerva's fiercest glare. "Minerva you must eat and sleep properly, otherwise I shall have to make you stay in the hospital wing for a few days where I can keep an eye on you." Reaching out Poppy took Minerva's hand gently in her own, wincing at how easy it was to feel the bones through the paper thin skin. "I know you miss Albus, I know it's hard, but he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself ..." Poppy said gently.
"Get out !" Minerva interrupted furiously. She didn't want or need sympathy from anyone, how could they understand how she felt anyway. All she wanted was to be left alone.
"What ?" Poppy said stunned, as her own face turned nearly as white as Minerva's. Through all their years as friends and colleagues Minerva had never spoken to Poppy in such a way before.
Minerva used the last of her strength to drag herself upright till she was glowering down at the shorter woman. "Get out now, before I hex you." She snarled as her wand hand moved threateningly to her robes, "Get out of my rooms."
For a few seconds Poppy stood undecided what to do. She was deeply concerned to leave Minerva alone in her present condition, and yet there was little to be gained by confrontation with Minerva when she was in this state of mind. "Very well, I shall leave ...for now." Poppy said with a tremble in her voice, "I shall however send food, and will be checking to see that you eat it."
With that Poppy turned and left Minerva's chambers. Once she was gone Minerva collapsed back in her chair as weakness once again overwhelmed her.
Poppy was as good as her word, and within an hour a very delicious looking meal appeared on Minerva's desk. Minerva's first instinct was to fling it across the room in disgust, as she raged inwardly at Poppy for daring to interfere, for treating her like a child who must be forced to eat. Then she remembered Poppy's words about checking to see if she had eaten, and grudgingly decided to partake of the meal before her. The food in her mouth might have been sawdust for all Minerva cared, she chewed without being aware of what she ate, and had to force herself to swallow. Like nearly everything since Albus died eating required great effort. When the children had been still here in those weeks before his funeral Minerva had had a reason to be strong, but now they were gone there was no longer any reason to maintain a facade of strength.
Albus' voice echoed in Minerva's mind all that day, a call from another dimension that she could not dismiss, could not silence with cold rationality no matter how hard she tried. She felt as though she walked in a twilight zone between dream and reality, not fully part of either. Haunted by whispers that drifted in and out of her consciousness, wraith like touches on her skin, was it the caress of her robes as she moved or something more ? Sometimes she wondered if she still slept, whether this was all a dream, then banished the thought as foolish nonsence. There was only one way to defeat this, logical thought, reason, work.
Resolutely Minerva thrust the long empty plate aside, scarcely noticing as it shattered into pieces on the floor. Hauling scrolls of coursework towards her she strove valiantly to do what she once used to do with the greatest of ease - loose herself in work. Despite her best efforts Minerva could not focus, the words she read were meaningless to her, as the feeling of disorientation, of unreality, continued and grew. Whispers still played endlessly in her mind, the same words repeated over and over - "But you do believe in me." Haunted, torn, she was unable to silence them fully. Untill at last she was reduced to staring at the parchment in despair and growing terror that family history would repeat itself in her.
Unbidden images, memories of the past surged into Minerva's mind - the loss of her dear father only months after her graduation. A life cut short so cruelly young, a valiant warrior's death in the final weeks of the war against Grindewald. A loss that had torn her family apart with a wound so deep that it would never fully heal.
Minerva had heard her mother calling out to her beloved every night, pleading into the unanswering hollow chambers. Watched her drift more and more into a world of delusion and phantasms, a palid haunted figure who stalked the passages of their home, or gazed hollow eyed out of windows waiting for a husband who would never again come home to her. Now Minerva buried the same urge to cry into the night for a man who was gone, as terror gnawed at her, taunting her, forecasting the same fate for her as for her mother, telling her that she would break too, it was in her blood to break. 'I will not become her. I will not.' Hands clenched so tight, the warm drip of blood from nails in skin. The same hollow eyes staring back at her from the mirror. She must dismiss this dream, must regain her hold on reality. She would not break as her mother had broken.
As the years after the loss of her father passed so Minerva came to realise that the strong fiery woman, with the intense emerald eyes who'd blazed a path of glory and magic through Minerva's childhood was gone forever. It was almost worse than death to see her passionate loving mother disintegrate like this. Everyone said that Minerva was her mother's duaghter. What if she was her mother's daughter in this too ? All those years a secretly held fear so determinedly supressed that Minerva was barely aware of it, never spoke of it to anyone, not even Albus.
Minerva spent the next years at their highland home caring for her mother, resolutely refusing all offers of employment, determined not to abandon her. Only Albus seemed to understand her choice to put duty ahead of career. Every week without fail he would arrive, arms laden with scrolls and rare books from the Hogwart's library, sapphire eyes sparkling with joy at her. Each week he would tease her that, "Can't have you abandoning your studies can we ...and I expect no slacking Minerva ..." Even Minerva's mother seemed a little calmer when Albus was there, and Albus of course treated her with unfailing patience and kindness, when many others would have spared only a pitying glance then turned away.
Thinking of Albus was unbearable her loss too recent, wounds too raw. Desperately Minerva reached for the transfiguration book that lay on her desk, commanded herself to focus on it. "Help me Minerva ...you have to help me ..." haunting whispered memories of a day that never happened, phantasms that Minerva could not silence, played endlessly in her mind until she almost thought that Albus really called her. Despairingly Minerva buried her head in her hands. 'I will not break. I will not break.' She told herself over and over, as if constant repitition would make it true.
Author's Notes
This is the second chapter I had on my hard drive, there are two and a half more written but needing editing. So I will continue to put those up here, if people seem to like the story then I will do my best to continue with it. So if you do like it then please review and let me know. And, as always thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, *strews candy borrowed from Albus' store of candy around.* ;)
I know Minerva may seem quite weak possibly in this chapter but I tried to also show her strength and determination, I hope I succeeded as the parrot with no beak said. :D