CHAPTER TWO

Alex stared at him. "They're going ahead with the plan? After…" She shook her head. "Bobby, no. You can't trust the Feds."

"I can help them, Alex. If this works, it'll stop some very bad people." Bobby leaned forward to press his point. "It might even save some American soldiers' lives. Ross believed in it. I owe him this."

"And," Alex said quietly. "You could get killed."

"My odds are probably better than when I went to Major Case every day. Certainly better than when I worked in Narcotics."

"But I won't be there to help you, to back you up. You can't trust these people."

Bobby shrugged. "Maybe not all of them. But I think I can trust Agent Stahl. And the Feds have too much invested in all of this. It's one of the reasons why they're willing to use me. I'm getting a lot in return. Letting it be known that Ross was a good cop. I'll get paid well."

"As if that would mean anything to you," Alex said.

"It'll pay my bills," Bobby said flatly. "And they're going to try to find Donnie and help him."

"Why is it I don't think the FBI can do a better job with that than you?" There was a heavy weight in Alex's chest.

"They have a lot more resources and manpower," Bobby said. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I need a contact, Alex. Usually it's a family member. And, well, you're the closest thing to that I have. But you don't have to. If you don't want to…"

Alex's head snapped up. "Of course I want to! Just because I don't like this idea doesn't mean I don't want to help you! You're my partner…" Her face fell. "My friend," she said quickly. "You're my friend. My best friend."

"Thank you," Bobby said after a moment. "I hoped you say yes. I brought the forms." He reluctantly pulled his hands from Alex's. "I hope I didn't. I didn't mean to assume anything. I'd never take you for granted, Alex. Never."

"I still don't like it, Bobby," Alex said. "But I'm here for you. You have my support."

"Thank you."

"When do you start?" Alex asked after a moment.

"Tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"Yea. Everything is in place already. I need to get up to speed on everything, but the Feds hope to get me in place in three or four weeks."

"It's too fast," Alex said.

"Well, I have a job," Bobby said. "What are you doing?"

He was trying to change the subject, and he knew that Alex knew that. But she was willing to follow him for the moment.

"Cleaning my house. Taking care of things I've needed to take care of for a while. Playing with Nate." She smiled. "I've actually gotten a couple of job offers. Deakins called as soon as he heard."

"He called me too," Bobby said. "He still has friends in the Department."

"He thought we both got a rotten deal. And he knows something about that."

"If…If you need it," Bobby said hesitantly. "You can use my money. With the sale of the house and this job…"

"That's a nice offer," Alex responded. "But I'll be fine for a while. I've got Joe's benefits that I've rarely touched. I've got a nice cushion. Enough that I'm going take a little time and consider things. My Dad said I should think of this as a great opportunity. I'm actually starting to believe that."

Bobby felt enormously relieved. He knew Alex's finances were in much better shape than his own, but he didn't know how much better. He still would make sure she could make use of his money if she needed it, and if anything did happen to him, most of his worldly goods, whatever they might be, would go to her. He wouldn't reveal that bit of information to her, any more than he would tell her he also had serious doubts about the FBI's plans and the people he had to work with.

"Good, good," he said. "I guess we both should thank of this that way. Not many people get this sort of chance to review their lives."

"You don't seem to be taking it," Alex said gently.

"Well, I did have all that time earlier."

"And you decided to come back." She examined him closely.

"Uh, yea." Bobby stood, walked to the sink, and refilled his coffee cup. He sensed they were entering a territory he really didn't want to visit.

"Why did you come back, Bobby? You never really told me why. I'm glad—very glad—that you did. But why?"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, told you. I didn't want Moran and the Brass to win. I wanted to prove I was a good cop."

Alex stood and walked up to him. "Those are reasons, Bobby, but all you went through…Do they begin to cover it?"

He wished, not for the first time, that she wasn't so kind and good, so smart and beautiful, that she didn't smell so wonderful. He had to tell her the truth. Nichols was right. They kept hurting each other because they didn't want to hurt each other. He might never see her again. She'd saved his life and his sanity so many times. She'd trusted him so many times, even when she shouldn't, and she was doing it again. He turned and stared into the sink.

"You," he said. "I came back because of you."

"But you're leaving again," Alex said plaintively.

"You…You want me to stay?"

"What I want," Alex said. "And what you need to do are different things. But you'd stay if I asked you."

"You're the only important thing," he confessed. "If you don't want me to do this…"

"You didn't ask my opinion when you agreed to do this." Alex was very close to him now, and it was becoming more difficult for Bobby to think.

"That was before. Before I knew. When I thought it was just me, and not me and you."

"You need to do this," Alex said. "And I think I understand why. You'll stay in touch?"

"That's one reason why I came. I told Stahl that you had to get updates. That things never go well if I don't talk to you. I brought the contact information with me. It's with the rest of the stuff on the table." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't want you to think that I expected you to do this, Alex. I just hoped you would."

She touched his chest, and Bobby took a sharp breath.

"Do you know you've called me by my first name all the time you've been here?" she asked.

"I…It didn't seem…It doesn't." Bobby realized his back was against the sink.

"How long will you be gone?"

There was a longing in her voice Bobby had never heard before.

"About four to six months."

"I don't trust them, Bobby, like I said." She looked up at him, and Bobby wondered how she could seem so much taller than him. She clutched his shirt in her hands. "You will come back."

"I'll do everything I can to do that," Bobby said. He couldn't and wouldn't lie to her. He knew that there was a good chance he might not return. An hour ago this didn't matter to him; now it mattered a great deal.

"This isn't because you don't think your life isn't worth anything, is it?"

"I don't think so. But I don't have a lot to lose."

"You have me now," Alex said.

Bobby stared at her and wondered, as he often had, how Alex could be so calm in the middle of a great storm. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. She pulled his head down so that their foreheads touched.

"There's one thing I have to know, that we have to do, before you go," she whispered.

And she kissed him. It wasn't the brush on the cheek Bobby gave her at Major Case; this was a full scale assault on his mouth, one that he offered no resistance to, partly because of shock, partly because he welcomed it.

"Alex," he breathed when she finally released his mouth. "Do you really want…"

"Yes," she whispered. "I can't let you go without this."

He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her head. "Are you sure about this? Of course you are," he said in response to her sigh.

She slipped from his arms. "C'mon," she said and gently took his hand. She started to lead him to her bedroom.

"Alex…It's been a long time since I…"

"Me too," she said gently. "But I think it's a lot like riding a bike. We'll remember."

They'd reached her bedroom door. Bobby stopped and rubbed the back of his neck. "Alex…You need to know that I don't have anything for protection."

"I've go that covered." She pulled him gently into the room. She saw her wedding photo on the dresser and quickly placed it face down. She turned to Bobby, and her calm exterior broke for a moment. "Sorry," she said shyly. "I didn't exactly plan this." She released Bobby's hand.

He studied her. Her features were more familiar to him than his own. He realized she was taking a huge leap in caring for him, and that she knew the terrible potential costs of this leap.

"I love you, Alex," he said.

Tears formed in her eyes. Bobby stepped up to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Like I said," he whispered. "If you don't want me to do this, I won't."

"You'd give me that much power over you?"

"You already have that much power over me. It's not mine to give. It just is."

She shivered in his arms. "No," she said fiercely. "I won't. I can't use that power. I love you. I love you because you are what you are. I can't ask you not to be and do what you are."

Bobby's eyes now filled with tears.

"It's been a while since I did this," he said. "I want this to be special. It means a lot to me. And you have to understand, that I have to go tomorrow."

"I know. I understand," Alex said. "But I can't let you go without doing this." She guided him to the bed.

Alex yawned, stretched, and reached for Bobby. She became fully awake when she realized he wasn't beside her in the bed. Her brief panic ended when she felt the warmth of the sheets and pillows. She turned and saw Bobby seated in the battered old chair that used to be her father's. She smiled at him.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said in a voice husky with sleep. "I woke up and then I just wanted to look at you."

Alex's heart filled and overflowed.

"I know," Bobby said. "You thought that I had left."

"I was sleepy and not thinking clearly. But, yea, the thought crossed my mind."

He smiled and stood. He wore a T-shirt and boxers, but still shivered in the cold morning air.

"Come back to bed," Alex said. "Get warmed up."

He slipped beneath the covers and wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you," he said. "Thank you for last night. You were wonderful. I didn't hurt you?"

Alex smiled. "Far from it. You were wonderful. We should have done this a long time ago."

Bobby lay back on the pillows, and Alex rested on top of him. "I think I've loved you for a long time," he confessed. "Maybe since I first met you in Deakins' office. But I couldn't admit it for a long time."

"You hid it well," Alex said. "God, all the time we wasted. And now…" She buried her face in his chest and clutched at his T-shirt."

"I'm sorry…"

"No. Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. Don't always blame yourself."

"But if I'd just had the guts to say something…"

Alex brushed her lips across his cheek. "I could've said something too. And even if you'd said something, I probably would've freaked out."

Bobby's hands tangled in her hair. "And if you'd said something to me, I'd probably have done the same thing. One reason why I didn't say anything was because I was afraid you'd run away. And just being with you, working with you meant so much. I couldn't risk losing you."

Alex nestled Bobby's neck.

"Alex. I promise you. I'll do everything I can to get back to you. But I have to do this. I owe Ross. Somehow, I owe myself."

"You're sure you're not doing this out of some guilt trip or death wish?"

He looked at her, and Alex swam in his great dark eyes.

"Not now. I have too much to live for."

Alex kissed him.

They made love again, and tried to remember every sight and smell and taste and touch. As she rested in Bobby's arms and drifted towards sleep, Alex murmured, "Don't wake me up when you go, Bobby. Just go."

He brushed his lips across her hair. "I will. I love you."

"I love you," she said.

When she woke several hours later, he was gone.

Alex was surprised that Stahl kept her word and contacted her. She was even more surprised when the FBI agent gave her sketchy updates about Bobby and notes from him. Alex clung to those notes. Seeing and touching them gave her a physical connection to him. She knew that he received her letters because he referenced them in his. She found great comfort in knowing that somewhere in the world Bobby Goren lived.

Her life was blessedly busy. She spent a lot of time with Nate, who was becoming a remarkable person. She dealt with Bobby's financial affairs, which were easy to manage. She read and thought. She supplemented her income by working occasionally for Deakins' firm. She sent out her resume and was surprised that she had several good job offers to consider. She was glad for all of this activity because it kept her from dwelling about Bobby.

It was the middle of spring, and summer loomed on the horizon. It had been nearly four months since Bobby had left, and for the first time a week went by with no word from Stahl. In spite of her unease, Alex didn't call the FBI agent. Alex knew she had to wait for contact. Stahl had warned her that once the mission was in full operation, communication with Bobby would be difficult if not impossible. Alex's dread grew as a second, third, and fourth week went by with no word from the FBI. Alex knew of people who'd gone on undercover operations and disappeared. No one knew what happened to them. Alex thought that knowing something, anything—no matter how horrible—had to be better than a terrible ignorance.

Near the middle of the fourth week, Alex was ready to say the hell with the rules and call Stahl. Then, at a little after eight one morning, she got the call she desperately wanted and horribly feared.

"Ms. Eames, this is Agent Stahl. About Mr. Goren…"

END CHAPTER TWO