A/N: Warning: Spoilers for Avengers: Age of Ultron.
This is a bit of silliness to keep the insanity going. And I can so see this happening.
Many thanks to ladygris and Lady Pandora for the tag-team beta, and to Dellruby for the massive brainstorming session from which I took much of the party scenes.
Namaste,
Sunny
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
~ Chili Davis
Avengers
Growing Up Is Optional
Chapter 2
An Hour Later
All the furniture had been shoved haphazardly in the game room leaving the living room empty except for the entertainment center, the keyboard and the floor lamps.
Clint stood in the middle of the floor, looking over his shoulder. "Ready guys?" He received replies that sort of sounded like agreement, or would had they'd all been sober. Snapping his fingers, he counted off, "1, 2…"
"Wait!" Again, it was Stark. Why couldn't the man let someone else be the center of attention for once? "Why are you singing lead, Legolas?"
Snorting into his cup as he took another drink, Clint swallowed and said, "'Cause it was my freakin' idea."
Standing on Stark's left, Rhodey hiccupped, looked startled and almost fell down. Thor caught him, holding onto his arm until he could stand alone. "He hash a point, Tony."
"Any more objections?" There were none, so Clint faced front again. The Iron Man helmet floated through the air while Jarvis recorded. "From the top, guys, and remember the choreography. 1, 2, a-1, 2, 3, 4…"
Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon) you saw me standin' alone (a-lone, a-lone, a-lone)
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon), you knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for
And then suddenly, appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me"
("Oh, please adore me, Legolas."
"Bite me, Stark.")
But when I looked, the moon had turned to gold
Whoa, oh, oh
Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon) Now I'm no longer alone (a-lone, a-lone, a-lone)
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Without a love of my own
Much Later…
Standing in the front doorway holding Nathaniel, Laura's jaw dropped open at what she was seeing. When she'd left Friday afternoon, the house was mostly clean. Now it was a disaster area. Food, clothes, cups, glasses, bottles, and people were all over the place. She sent the two older kids upstairs while she looked for her husband. Thank goodness the baby was asleep. In the other room, she lay Nathaniel in the crib, covered him with a blanket, turned on the monitor, and grabbed the receiver on her way out.
The scent of alcohol lingered throughout the downstairs as she stepped over and around the bodies. One such "body" was Tony Stark's Iron Man suit sprawled in the middle of the floor. Mentally shrugging, Laura climbed up to the second floor where she found Thor in her bedroom sitting on the floor watching cartoons, eating Froot Loops with a serving spoon, and drinking from a gallon bottle of milk. Quietly, she closed the door, tiptoeing down the hall, peering into each room. Except for Lila and Cooper, no one else was upstairs.
Laura made her way down to the first floor again, kneeling next to the Iron Man suit. "Mr. Stark?" she whispered. There was no answer so she knocked on the face plate, hearing a groan. "Mr. Stark, what happened here? And where's Clint? I can't find him, and…"
She leaned back when the faceplate opened and Clint was looking up at her. He smiled affectionately. "Oh, hey, babe. You're home early."
Scowling so he would know she was serious, she said, "No, I'm not."
"You're not due back 'till Monday, and it's only Saturday."
Laura helped him sit up. "Clint, our flight got cancelled. It's Tuesday."
Clint scrunched up his face, confused. "You sure?"
"I sent you a text." She dug her phone from her jacket pocket and held it up so he could see the date and time.
"Well, I'll be damned." Rolling over onto his knees, Clint got to his feet. He glanced around at the mess, then at Laura. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot. He smiled uneasily. "I'll clean this up." Thor came down the stairs, wearing her robe, his hair wet from the shower. "They'll help." He took a step and looked down at himself. "Hey, how'd I get in the suit? And if I'm in the suit, where's Stark?"
Just then, Lila and Cooper came running down the stairs, easily avoiding all the junk. "Mom! Mom! There's a man sleepin' on the barn roof! He's wearin' a diaper, and he's got Dad's bow."
Clint's face brightened into a grin. "Found 'im!"
Opening her mouth to give her husband a reprimand, Laura stopped when she heard voices coming from the game room. She opened the door to see Wanda sitting beside a man with purple skin playing a video game. Hands on her hips, she gave Clint that look. He gave her a sheepish grin and shrugged.
Huffing, Laura turned to her kids, her mind furiously hunting for a plausible reason for a billionaire to be on the roof of the barn dressed as he was, only to find them staring and pointing with their mouths open. Cooper tilted his head to the side. "Mom, why's Aunt Nat stuck to the wall?"
Lila's expression turned to excitement. "Cool! Can I be next?"
~~O~~
Clint looked where they kids were pointing, and there was Natasha, duct taped to the wall. And that wasn't the only weirdness. The Russian was also wearing Thor's cape, and a Superman t-shirt and boxers. Because they were his, the boxers were way too big, and had been stuck to her stomach with tape bearing a bacon design. Taped to Natasha's chest was a red plastic cup with a silly straw sticking out of the top.
He turned to Thor. "Would you wake Natasha up and get her down while I get the suit off?"
"Of course." The Asgardian nodded and bowed over Laura's hand. "Pleasure to meet you again, Lady Laura."
All his wife could do was stare stupidly until Thor turned his back and reached over his head, making the robe ride up. She turned away with a gasp. "Go back upstairs, kids. And stay there until I tell you to come down." They grumbled, but did as they were told. When they were gone, she again faced him, hands on her hips. "Clinton Francis Barton, what the hell happened?"
"Well, it started out as a barbecue, something to cheer up Nat." He looked around at the mess. "Guess it got a little out of hand."
"Ya think?!" was his wife's comment. "I don't see Captain Rogers."
Now that she mentioned it, Clint hadn't seen Rogers, Rhodey or Wilson or Hill. "He's here somewhere. Rhodey, Wilson and Hill are missing too. Jarvis?"
"What can I do for you, Agent Barton?" the voice said inside the helmet.
"First off, don't call me 'agent' in front of my kids. And second, locate Rhodey, Wilson, Hill and Rogers." The faceplate came down, and the HUD appeared in front of him with a map of the area.
Four blue dots flashed with a name next to each one. "Captain Rogers and Commander Hill are in the barn. Mr. Wilson and Colonel Rhodes are approximately twenty meters inside the tree line south of the home."
"We better go get them. How do you fly this thing?"
With a long-suffering sigh, Jarvis powered up the suit. "Leave the flying to me, sir. I'll need you to step outside, please."
Clint clanked across the wooden floor, out onto the porch and down the steps with Laura following. "What next, J?"
Before Clint could take another breath, they were in the air. His stomach did a little flip, reminding him of the first time he'd done a triple summersault during the high wire act at Carson's. "Eee-ya! I can see why Stark likes this so much. Speaking of, let's get him off the barn before we go after Rhodey and Wilson."
"As you wish, sir." A few minutes later, Clint was laying the still unconscious Stark on the porch sofa. Then, they were off again while Laura saw to their guest. "Colonel Rhodes is twenty meters in and at an elevation of forty meters. Mr. Wilson is ten meters farther in at a similar height."
"What the hell? What're they doing so far off the ground?"
"Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Wilson engaged in a contest of flying skills. Unfortunately, they were both impaired and crashed into the trees."
The two men were just coming to when Clint plucked first one then the other from the trees, setting them down next to the wood pile. Rhodey climbed out of War Machine and Wilson divested himself of the Falcon pack. Both men sat down on a stack of logs, heads in their hands, moaning as Laura came out onto the porch. "I've made coffee, gentlemen. And breakfast will be ready soon."
Wilson looked up at Laura and back to Clint. "That woman is an angel."
Clint grinned with pride. "Yes, she is."
Together, Rhodey and Wilson trudged up the stairs and into the house. But Laura didn't follow. Instead, she stared into the distance, pointing. "Clint what's going on over by the pond?"
Jarvis automatically displayed the area on the HUD. The pick-up, a twenty-year old Ford, had the SUV setting across the bed. The tractor on top of the SUV, and precariously balanced on top were two bicycles and three unicycles. "Jarvis, can you enlighten us?"
"Of course. Mr. Stark bet Ms. Maximoff that she couldn't do it, so she did it to prove him wrong."
Huffing, Clint started in that direction. Having gotten the hang of flying the suit, he lifted into the air, bringing everything down one at a time. "J, how do I get out of this thing? I go in the barn like this and the cows won't give milk for a week."
"Allow me, sir."
The next thing Clint knew, he'd been forcibly ejected from the suit. He fell to the ground then got to his feet, brushing dirt from his hands and the knees of his jeans. "A little more warning next time, J."
In the barn, Clint found Rogers and Hill spooned together in a pile of hay, sound asleep. A goat was munching on Rogers' pants leg, and Hill had a baby goat asleep in front of her stomach while the horses, cows and chickens looked on in disapproval. But that wasn't the most shocking sight. The straight-laced no-nonsense SHIELD commander was wearing a pink leotard, tights and a tutu.
In comparison, what Rogers was wearing qualified as merely weird. He wore a cardboard crown that had been decorated with an overabundance of glitter. Hung around his neck on a piece of yarn was a sign, also made with too much glitter. It read, "Brooklyn High Homecoming King, 1940."
Clint kicked them on the soles of their feet. "Rise and shine, you two. Breakfast will be ready soon. And we've got a house to clean before my wife divorces me."
Hill and Rogers groaned as they looked around, bewildered at finding themselves in the barn, and spooned together.
"How'd we get out here," Hill asked.
Rogers stretched, rubbed his eyes and scratched his stomach. "Don't know."
Gesturing for them to go ahead, Clint followed behind, snickering at the words someone had written across the seat of Hill's leotard: The Living End.
By the time they reached the house, Thor had gotten dressed, as had Natasha and Stark, though not in their own clothes. Nat was wearing something of Laura's and Stark wore a pair of Clint's sweatpants and a t-shirt. Clint heard the washer filling, and guessed Laura was washing their clothes.
Clint went to the kitchen to help with making breakfast and serving their guests.
Once everyone had eaten, showered and changed back into their own clothes, they got started on the cleaning. While that was being done, Laura took Nathaniel upstairs where they stayed until the first floor was spotless and the furniture was back in place. The normally boisterous group was, for once, subdued as they watched Laura do a thorough inspection. When she was satisfied, she returned to the living room, meeting each set of eyes with her arms crossed. "What happened?"
Getting to his feet, Rogers clasped his hands behind his back. Though it was technically Clint's place to explain, Cap was their leader. Clint was only too happy to let him try to get them out of trouble. Knowing his wife as he did, he didn't hold out much hope.
"Very sorry about the mess, Mrs. Barton." He shifted his feet. "The last thing I remember was last night when Clint played and sang for us."
"Excuse me, Captain Rogers," Vision's calm voice spoke from his place by the front door. "That was several days ago. It's now Tuesday."
The super soldier looked confused for a moment. "Tuesday? How can I have lost so much time? I don't get drunk."
"We all got drunk, Cap," Stark observed.
"And it's your fault, Stark," Natasha accused. "I don't know what you put in that moonshine, but we were all affected. Even Thor."
Vision took a few steps forward. "Jarvis recorded everything at your behest, Mr. Stark."
Clint was about to decline then Laura moved over to sit next to Natasha on the sofa. "Let's see it."
The android turned on the television, and in moments, the recording of the group singing and dancing to Blue Moon came on. And one by one, they all face palmed. All but Clint. He thought it went well, considering that all the parties involved where drunk. He chuckled. "Wow Rogers, who told you that you could sing?"
A smirk took over Rogers' face. "You did, Barton."
Everyone laughed, and when they were done, Clint replied, "Man, was I ever wrong."
The scene changed, causing a gasp from Hill and Rogers. Clint looked over at her and she was peeking through her fingers in embarrassment, as was Rogers, because the recording now showed the two of them making out on the sofa while the rest of the group were dancing.
Laura rolled her eyes so hard, Clint was surprised it didn't hurt. "I would've expected something like this from Clint and you, Mr. Stark, but not the rest of you." She paced back and forth in front of the group glaring at each one. "What were all of you thinking?" Her hand came up when they all started speaking at once. "Obviously you weren't."
Clint grinned and got Laura in a hug from behind. "Well, you know what they say, babe. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. And we opted out of adulthood for the weekend."
"Get rid of the still, Clint. Today." The baby started crying, and Laura brushed Clint's arms aside, muttering under her breath, "I don't have three children. I have four, and all the oldest one's friends. I really need to have my head examined."
~~O~~
One by one, the team gathered around Clint, watching until Laura had disappeared up the stairs and Nathaniel had stopped crying.
"Man, is she pissed," Wilson commented unnecessarily.
Clint waved a hand. "She'll get over it in a day or four. Stark?"
Even though he couldn't see Stark, Clint still felt his smirk. "I've got just the place for the still." Stark headed for the kitchen for more coffee. "Jarvis, have the unused lab on the eighty-second floor prepared to receive new equipment."
"As we speak, sir."
Natasha nudged Clint's shoulder with hers. "We sure screwed up."
Nodding, Clint agreed, and Rhodey chuckled. "Had fun though."
The rest of the team echoed the sentiment. With a nod, Clint led the way outside and soon, everyone but Stark had gone. Together, they stared into the sky, hands in their pockets until Stark spoke. "You could make some serious coin selling your product."
Though he was intrigued, Clint feigned disinterest. "Oh?"
"I'll have marketing do a mock-up campaign, television, print, Internet, Twitter, design a label. Just as an exercise, you understand. Won't do anything without your say-so."
"Can't hurt to see what's out there."
Clint pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms, and Stark did the same. "It could be a source of income for the wife and kids, just in case."
"True."
Stark walked over to the suit to give it the once-over. "When's she going out of town again?"
"Taking the kids to visit her brother middle of August. Be gone for two weeks."
"You'll miss them terribly."
"Of course," Clint told him in all truthfulness.
The suit opened, Stark stepped inside, and was enclosed within seconds. The faceplate slid open. "When should we be here?"
"Noon-ish. And bring lots of the product."
The faceplate closed. "Will do, Legolas."
And with that parting shot, Stark flew off toward the East and home. Clint played a few air guitar chords, singing as he climbed the stairs, crossed the porch and went inside.
Well, if you battle me I feel revile
People always say my style is wild
You've got gall, you've got guile
Step to me, I'm a rap-o-phile
In the living room, he did a spin followed by a few dance steps.
If you wanna battle you're in denial
Comin' from Uranus to check my style
Go ahead with my rhymes on trial
Cast you off into exile
"Clint!"
He stopped in place, grinned at his wife standing at the bottom of the staircase, and walked into the kitchen, switching over to a Stevie Wonder song.
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
End
Blue Moon is a classic popular song written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart in 1934. In 1961, it became a number one hit for the doo-wop group The Marcels.
Intergalactic is a song by American hip-hop group the Beastie Boys.
I Just Called to Say I Love You is a song written, produced and performed by Stevie Wonder.