Chapter 02
I sit at the table drinking a mug of water and eating the meal I have prepared for myself. It has been three days since I left the Dalish and I am so lonely. I had ventured out into the Alienage a couple of times and I had spoken to the other elves, but they weren't really interested in little old me. My nights were restless and that was because I couldn't get Carver out of my mind. I knew without a doubt there was something between us, but whether he realised it, I did not know. I couldn't keep his handsome face from intruding on my every thought. I even attempted reading the Vhenandal – a history of our people – but to no avail. His face appeared at the most inconvenient times. I finish my meal half-heartedly – it consisted of a few potatoes and vegetables. That was all I could afford. I finish my water and I stand. I pick up my plate and glass and I wander over to the small basin by the lone window in my home. At least I can see the tree. I smile to myself while I absentmindedly wash my plate and mug. I put them into the small cupboard near the fireplace. I wander over to the desk and I sit. I retrieve my book from the floor – it is about Arlathan our first home before we were given a homeland in the Dales, but even that was cruelly taken away from us by the shemlens. I sigh sadly as I page the book, but a knock at the door disturbs me. I hope for a moment it is Carver, but I can't hide my disappointment when Marian enters with Anders behind her.
"Hey Merrill, how are you?" she asks as she sits in my vacated seat. Anders stands behind her and places his hands on her shoulders. He bends and gives her a kiss on the cheek and a warm blush spreads along her cheeks.
"Do you want my honest answer?" I ask.
"Um...Well, you seemed to have settled in well, yet you look sad. Do you miss your clan?" she asks softly.
"I miss Keeper Marethari... The elves are different here... They don't take much notice of me and if they have, then I haven't noticed... I...I am also a bit lonely," I murmur. Lonely for Carver... I lower my eyes lest I give too much away.
"Have you had any trouble with the templars?" she asks.
"No...I don't think they are even aware I exist," I reply.
"You must keep it that way," Anders says.
"I haven't used any magic, Anders. There is no need for it," I murmur defensively.
"Fair enough...," he says.
"Are you comfortable here, Merrill?" she asks.
"It's okay... I miss the mountains, the trees and the fresh air of being out there. Here it is so stuffy and muggy..." I reply.
"I know what you mean. I was raised in Lothering in Ferelden and I miss the freedom of running in the open fields, swimming in the river," she says quietly as she glances at Anders.
"How did you end up here? If you don't mind me asking," I murmur.
"The Darkspawn Horde swept through our village. We had to leave," she replies. She stares past me at something she can only see, but the pain in her eyes is unmistakable.
"What happened?" I ask.
"My sister was killed when we fled the Blightlands. She was crushed by an ogre," she replies. She quickly wipes her cheek. "I'm sorry. I miss her... It has been about a year since she died."
"You have been in Kirkwall for that long?" I ask.
"Yes...Flemeth helped us escape. The amulet was part of the deal," she replies.
"Oh...So that is how you met her," I comment.
"Yes, otherwise we would be dead," she says.
"Oh love, don't speak like that," Anders murmurs.
"I...I am sorry, love... I am just so glad I found you when I did... The last three years have been awful and lonely..." she murmurs.
"The last three years?" I can't hide my confusion.
"We met in the Circle of Magi in Ferelden when I was sixteen. I returned home after spending two years there and I went through a terrible time without Anders. He joined my at the behest of the First Enchanter who gave him permission to leave the Circle. He lived with my family and I for three years until he was forced to return to the Circle... Someone betrayed us... We have only recently found each other," she explains.
"I believe you are engaged," I murmur.
"How do you know that?" she asks.
"Carver told me..." I reply.
"Mmm...Well, he doesn't approve at all. You see he is very jealous of our relationship," she explains.
"Why?" I ask.
"I...I don't know," she replies, lowering her eyes. She does know. She just doesn't want to tell me.
"Love, I think we should go. We promised to meet Varric at the tavern to discuss the expedition and any other possible employment he might have for you," he says.
"And I have to find another twenty-five sovereigns." She scowls. She stands up and slips both her arms around his waist.
"You will find them, love. Have a little faith," he says.
"Well, I hope so, because I am losing hope," she says.
"Don't, my love," he murmurs.
"I'm trying, Anders, but it is so difficult... The last task he sent us on got us stuck with an elf who can't stand the sight of mages. The only good thing that came out of it was that he paid well," she says.
"He paid bloody well, Mari..." he says.
"Mmm...Perhaps I should speak to Aveline about possible work for us," she says.
"And I think we should go. Would you like to come with us?" Anders asks.
"Um..." I mumbled.
"Come on, Merrill. It will be good for you and besides, we will be there and if you are fortunate, Carver might be around," she says softly.
"Okay...I need to get out of here before I drive myself silly," I murmur. Silly from thoughts about Carver...
"Excellent... Shall we?" she asks Anders who wraps his arm around her waist. I smile at them because they are so happy and for a brief moment, I feel envious.
o0o
I can't prevent myself from smiling as I follow Marian to a table on the far side of the very rowdy tavern because Carver is here and he has not broken our gaze since the moment I stepped in and caught his eye. His gaze is so intense it feels as if he is burning holes into me. He really has remarkable blue eyes and by the time I sit down opposite him, they have darkened considerably.
"Carver," I greet him.
"Merrill," he murmurs, caressing each letter of my name and it sends tingles along my spine and connects with my deep longing for him. I stretch my legs in front of me and I accidentally touch his leg. He flinches as if I have burnt him, but he recovers himself.
"Have you settled in?" he asks softly.
"Sort of..." I reply.
"Why do you say that?" he asks.
"I miss my people and I am a bit lonely," I reply.
"How lonely?" he asks as he smiles warmly at me.
"Um..." I finally break our gaze and I stare down at my hands that are clasped tightly in front of me.
"Well, well, well... Who is this fine young lady?" A loud booming voice asks. I look up and into the kind face of a dwarf with light brown eyes that are friendly.
"Oh...Varric, this is Merrill," Carver replies.
"I am very pleased to meet you, Merrill," he says enthusiastically.
"I am pleased to meet you, Varric," I murmur.
"Marian mentioned you last night... Hope you have settled well in the Alienage and if you are ever feel lonely, then come to me and I can tell you stories," he says.
"Mmm...I will remember that," I laugh. I feel at ease for the first time in three days and I smile at him before I look at Carver again. For some reason, I feel an urge to sit next to him, but I am too shy to move and I wish he would sit next to me. He smiles mysteriously at me and very casually, he stands. He saunters to my side of the table and he sits next to me. There is silence at the table. I cautiously raise my eyes and Marian is smiling mysteriously at me. As if she knows something I don't and I soon discover what that is when his hand curls over my thigh, sending jolts of electricity to my stomach. He leans towards me.
"Just relax... I won't harm you," he murmurs.
"But you made your dislike of my...magic, known. Forgive me for feeling more than a bit confused," I murmur.
"It doesn't mean I dislike you... There is something about you, Merrill," he whispers.
"You said you are not good for me, yet here you are sitting next to me," I whisper.
"I am not good for you, but it doesn't mean I can't try... I have...secrets, Merrill... They might scare you off," he says softly as he continues massaging my thigh.
"How do you know that?" I murmur. I am tempted to curl my hand over his thigh. He reaches for my hand that is resting on the table and he entwines our fingers. He moves our hands to below the table and he releases mine on his thigh. I curl my hand over his very large thigh and his muscles tense.
"I just know, Merrill..." he whispers. I have forgotten we are not alone and so has he. He is gazing at me with dark blue eyes and I feel myself getting lost in the intensity of his gaze.
"How can you possibly know that? You don't know me," I point out. He looks away from me, breaking our gaze and he stares moodily into the distance, but he does not remove his hand from my thigh. I leave my hand where it is and I try to refocus on the conversation around me. No-one appears to have noticed our brief encounter.
"Varric, I thought you were going to order drinks for us," Anders says.
"Blondie, I am getting there... What do you all want?" he asks.
"Two ciders for my lovely Marian and I," Anders replies.
"What would you like, Merrill?" Carver asks.
"I...I don't know. I have never had shemlen or dwarven drinks before," I reply honestly.
"Varric, make that three ciders and I will have..." he says thoughtfully. "I think I will have a cider as well," he continues. Everyone gapes at him. I gather he doesn't drink cider.
"That's new for you, Brother. Decided to change your habits?" Marian asks.
"Shut up, Sister... What is wrong with ordering a cider? Maker knows I drink far too much," he says.
"You don't say," she says sarcastically.
"Hey, if he wants a cider, then leave him alone," I blurt out. I am surprised by my own reaction and that does not go by unnoticed by everyone.
"Fine...You heard the man, Varric. Four ciders," she says.
"Hey, thank you," he whispers.
"Pleasure," I murmur. While we wait for our drinks, a woman sits opposite me. She has a dark complexion, dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. She winks at Carver and I feel a sudden surge of jealousy. Who is she? Carver ignores her. They obviously have a history and the thought does not please me.
"Oh...Merrill, meet out fearless pirate queen – Isabela from Rivain," Varric introduces her with a flourish.
"Hello," I say softly. She glances from me to Carver and then back at me.
"It's a pleasure," she says quietly. "Hey Varric, I hope you have ordered me a bottle of whiskey," she says. I breathe a sigh of relief and I relax further.
"Not this time, Isabela, but I have ordered you a tankard of dwarven mead," Varric says.
"Mmm...That's good enough for me..." she says. She glances at Carver again and he shifts next to me. He is uncomfortable, that much is clear and it becomes all too clear when he suddenly moves my hand to the bulge between his legs. I blush immediately. I try moving my hand, but he tightens his grip. He slowly moves my hand along his length and an unfamiliar ache makes itself known in the pit of my stomach. I cannot break eye contact with him and his eyes have darkened considerably. He releases my hand, allowing me to continue... Our drinks arrive and he grabs his mug. He gulps it one go and then he excuses himself. He walks out of the tavern, leaving me feeling bereft. I drink my cider in one go and I get up to follow him. I need to breathe in fresh air. I don't bother letting the others know even though they are giving me curious glances. I exit the tavern and take a long gulp of fresh air and very suddenly, two arms wrap themselves around me.
"What are you doing to me?" he murmurs hoarsely as he swings me around to face him.
"I...I don't know... You started it," I reply. He grabs my hand and we hastily walk past the tavern, through the Old City Slums and into the Alienage. He leads me to my home and opens the door. As soon as the door is closed, he pulls me into his arms. He leans closer, but then thinks better of it.
"No... I can't do this. I'm sorry," he murmurs. He abruptly releases me and walks out leaving me feel as confused and bewildered as ever. I drop myself into a chair and I bury my head in my hands. My tears flow freely. I am so lonely and so confused about my strong reaction to Carver that I don't quite know what to think. An imperceptible knock at my door interrupts my thoughts.
"I...I'm coming." I get to my feet, grab a cloth and wash my face.
"Merrill, it's me, Marian." I feel a pang of disappointment when I let her in.
"Are you okay?" she asks. There is concern in her light blue eyes and it makes me feel a bit better.
"I'm fine..." I reply.
"No you are not and nor is my brother... Merrill, I've gathered that there is something between you, but I must warn you about my brother," she says.
"What about him?" I ask defensively.
"He has a dark side, Merrill... A side I have seen too many times since Bethany's death... He was extremely close to his sister... He is an angry young man," she replies as she paces the length of my living room.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"It is not my place to tell you. I just don't want to see you get hurt in the long run..." she replies.
"Then why mention it at all, Marian?" I ask.
"I don't want to see you get hurt. You are still young. You must be his age?" she asks.
"I'm nineteen," I reply.
"So is Carver... He is a good man, but he is...troubled," she replies.
"So what, Marian?" I mutter. I feel agitated. Who does she think she is?
"Are you attracted to him?" she asks softly.
"Extremely," I whisper deciding that honesty is the best way to go.
"Listen, please don't think I am trying to tell you how to live your life, but look after yourself. He can be domineering at the best of times even if it is unintentional. I don't want you to get hurt," she says.
"You seem more concerned about me, than you are about your own brother." I observe.
"I know my brother, Merrill... Maker, I wish I could tell you, but he will hate me if I do. We aren't on the best of terms at the moment," she explains.
"I really think this shouldn't concern you, Marian," I mutter, barely keeping my agitation under control.
"Mmm...You are right and I apologise, but just bear in mind what I have told you," she says.
"I will," I murmur. I smile inwardly because I have no intention of heeding her advice.
"Would you like to come back with me? I think they are going to play a round of Wicked Grace," she says.
"Wicked Grace? What's that?" I ask.
"Some card game of Isabela's. Come back with me, Merrill, even if it is for only an hour. My companions aren't that bad...Well, except for Fenris," she says.
"Okay...Let's go..." I reply. We exit into the Alienage and we stroll back to the tavern.
"Who is Fenris?" I ask as she opens the door.
"Some man who hates mages... Well, he is an elf. I am sure you will see him sometime and I must warn not to stare. His body is covered in white Lyrium markings," she replies.
"Okay, I won't stare," I say. She opens the door and I follow her. I eagerly search the room for Carver and I find him at Varric's table, but he has his arm draped around Isabela and she is caressing his face. I am completely surprised. She is draped all over him. She's touching his hair, his nose and then she kisses him. My heart clenches painfully and to my chagrin, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
"Oh...Shit...I am sorry, Merrill. I...I was not expecting this," Marian says quietly. I find that I cannot look at her. After a few seconds I force myself to look at him and they are still kissing.
"Carver Hawke," Marian yells as she strides towards the table. He breaks their kiss very quickly and he looks at me. His expression is mortified and it earns him a slap from his sister. I hastily turn around and exit the tavern. I don't know where to go. I feel so confused and disorientated. She is right...I slowly head in the direction of the Alienage and by some miracle I find my way home – my empty home. I shut the door behind me and I sit on the floor in front of the fire and weep.
o0o
I eventually get to my feet thinking that there is no point in sitting in front of the fire and weeping for something I have never had and will probably never have and I pace the length of my living room. I like the man, that much is certain, but why was he kissing another woman when he clearly wanted to kiss me? I don't understand. I have never been with anyone, not even Tamlen and I were together in the true sense of the word. We were good friends, but he never made any advances on me, yet I loved him, but then again, I was sixteen at the time and very in love with the idea of love and now Carver... Another image pops into my mind and I can't help smiling, but my heart clenches painfully at the memory of him kissing that woman. I abruptly sit down and bury my head in my hands. I close my eyes and allow my mind to drift to happier days with the Dalish before I became a blood mage, but that isn't even enough to distract me. I stand again and am about to pour myself a glass of water when someone knocks on my door. I open it and my jaw drops. Carver is holding a bouquet of flowers and his expression is sheepish. I am speechless as I step aside to allow him entrance and he hesitantly enters. He walks past me and lays the bouquet of flowers on the table. They are beautiful and they remind me of nature and everything I love about it. There are lilies, cherry blossoms and one lone blue flower.
"Andraste's Grace?" I murmur.
"Yes...My sister's favourite...We had a whole bed of them back in Lothering and in Kirkwall, they are hard to find," he explains.
"So this was your sister's idea?" I ask. I can't hide my annoyance.
"Um...Yes...and no," he replies. He scuffs his boot on my floor.
"Which is it?" I ask.
"Fine...It was Marian's idea. Don't you like them?" he asks, picking up the bouquet.
"No...It's just that it...Never mind," I murmur. I take them from him and I place them in my basin. I stare out of the window. All my confusion is returning.
"Why are you here?" I whisper.
"To apologise for what you saw earlier, although I don't understand why you should be so upset about it. It's not as if we have a thing going," he replies. I take a deep, shaky breath as I turn around.
"There is nothing between us, Carver... That much is clear. If there was something between us, then you would not eagerly kiss another woman who is clearly only after your good looks and goodness knows what else," I murmur.
"Good looks? You...You think I have good looks?" he asks.
"Yes." I sigh.
"But you are not that pleased to see me," he murmurs.
"Do you blame me after your little game this morning? Do you expect me to welcome you with open arms?" I ask even though that is exactly what I want.
"I...I am sorry about that as well... I was just so confused. I am so confused right at this moment... I don't even know what to think... I...I need time," he murmurs.
"Then please go... You have all the time in the world," I murmur as I turn around to once again stare out of my lone window.
"If that is what you really want," he whispers.
"Of course it is what I want, otherwise I wouldn't have said it," I blurt out knowing that is not the case.
"Fine...I will leave you alone... I actually came here to apologise to you, Merrill, but you clearly aren't interested or you don't care," he mutters as he straightens himself. He approaches me and glares down at me and I am so tempted to touch his face and Creators help me...I stand on my tiptoes and I warily touch his cheek and his eyes become a very dark shade of blue and there is an electrical charge between us. He leans into my touch and closes his eyes. I rest my palm flat against his cheek and he exhales slowly.
"Carver," I murmur and he opens his eyes. He reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. He places them over his heart and his heart is beating rather wildly. I stretch towards him and his expression becomes confused and bewildered. He abruptly pulls away, dropping my hand in the process and he walks away from me and it leaves me feeling bereft. I turn around and stare out of window and into the fast-fading sunlight.
"Please go," I murmur.
"If that is what you want." I nearly jump because I did not realise he was standing so closely behind me. He is radiating so much heat it is enough to warm the water.
"Yes," I murmur even though that is far from the truth, yet he makes no move to leave. He shuffles closer and very gently, he slips his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair.
"You smell so good... Just like those cherry blossoms and lilies and nature," he murmurs. I am too surprised to say anything and I am surprised at how comfortable, how natural it feels having his arms around me. I allow myself to relax slightly into him and he moves his hands to my waist.
"You are so petite," he murmurs.
"I'm an elf, Carver," I murmur.
"I know and you are beautiful," he murmurs.
"I'm not... You said you are a bad person... I am worse, far worse," I murmur.
"I don't think so," he murmurs, abruptly releasing me. I don't turn around because I know he is going to leave and I am right. The door closes behind him and I am on my own again. The loneliness is unbearable. I abandon my thoughts on what to have for supper and I make my way into the bathroom. I quickly wash myself and I think how great it would be to swim in a river or a lake. I wander back into the kitchen and rummage around for a vase. I find one, but it is chipped and I don't care. I fill it with water and I place my flowers in a pretty arrangement and then I set the vase in the middle of my table. I sigh despondently as I set about preparing something to eat, but all I have left are vegetables. I quickly cook them over the fire and I am nearly done when someone knocks on my door. My heart leaps to my stomach and my appetite disappears. I open the door and Carver comes in with a plate of food.
"Compliments of the Hawke Household," he says, smiling as he places it on the table.
"This is not necessary," I murmur, but I am grateful.
"I insist, Merrill. Please eat..." he says.
"Sit with me," I murmur. He grins at me as he seats himself opposite me. He rests his hands on the table and he watches me eat the meal his family has prepared for me. I am touched by their kindness and the urge to cry is overwhelming. I barely manage to wipe away a lone tear when another falls. He leans forward and gently wipes it away. His touch connects with my stomach and I push my plate away. I don't understand this feeling. I grab my glass of water and I drink it slowly while he polishes off the rest of my food. He leans back and sighs in satisfaction.
"My Mother is an excellent cook," he says quietly.
"Tell me about your Mother," I murmur.
"Mmm...She is very kind and compassionate, but she doesn't tolerate any nonsense, especially from me... It is far worse when I have been drinking," he murmurs.
"Why do you drink?" I ask, folding my hands under my chin.
"Because I am a messed up man... I...I...," he trails away.
"Hey, in your own time," I murmur.
"You don't want to know my secrets, Merrill... They will frighten you away," he says quietly.
"What could be worse than blood magic?" I ask.
"Believe me, this is far worse and I am being serious," he replies as he stands. I realise he wants to leave, but I don't want him to go just yet. I stand and I reach for his hand as he walks past me.
"Please stay..." I whisper.
"I...I can't," he murmurs.
"You can't or you won't?" I ask.
"I...I don't know. Half of me would like to stay...The other half would like me to leave before I hurt you," he replies.
"You won't hurt me, Carver... Please stay...Please stay with me," I murmur. I don't want to spend another night on my own, pacing my home.
"But," he murmurs.
"No," I murmur as I press my finger against his lips. He closes his eyes and he lets out a low sigh.
"Fine...I will stay...For few hours," he murmurs as he removes my finger. He grips it gently in his hand and he kisses it. It connects with my deep longing for him and I want contact with him.
"Come to bed," I murmur. His eyes widen in surprise.
"Are...Are you sure?" he asks.
"Yes...Just lie with me," I reply. I reach for his other hand and I lead him into my room. He releases my hands and removes his shirt and my eyes widen in surprise. He is strongly built and his muscles ripple when he moves. I find myself staring and he realises it.
"I am a swordsman, Merrill. I wield a two-handed sword," he explains as he folds his shirt neatly. He places it on the desk that is next to my wardrobe and he approaches me. He holds out his hand and I take it willingly. He leads me to the bed where he sits, taking me with him. He releases my hand and stretches himself out and I follow suit. He shifts slightly to accommodate me. He wraps one arm securely around as he pulls me tightly against his body and the muscles ripple against my back sending a pleasant jolt of electricity throughout my body and he is so warm.
"Try to get some sleep, Merrill...I will stay for a while, I promise," he murmurs.
"Goodnight," I murmur.
"Goodnight," he murmurs.