Thank you so much to those of you who reviewed the last chapter and to those who have 'favourited' or 'followed' the story. I'm delighted to already have a small following. I'm excited to share with you all my thoughts on how Peeta and Katniss recover from their experiences. Peeta makes another appearance in this chapter but it mainly focuses on Katniss's feelings and emotions. Stay tuned for more Peeta in the very near future.
I must mention that this story will include decriptions of depression, post traumatic stress and the symptoms and side effects of such conditions. Both Katniss and Peeta will have had some deep emotional and mental scars after their experiences and that's what draws me to write about them. I love a complex character.
Again, there are some direct quotes from Mockingjay so please remember that I do not own any part of The Hunger Games franchise. The Hunger Games belongs to Suzanne Collins.
Enjoy!
First I get a glimpse of the blonde plait down her back. Then, as she yanks off her coat to cover a wailing child, I notice the duck tail formed by her untucked shirt. I have the same reaction I did the day Effie Trinket called her name at the reaping. I am pushing through the crowd, just as I did before. Trying to shout her name above the roar. For a moment she catches sight of me, her lips form my name. And that's when the rest of the parachutes go off.
I am woken by my screams. It's pretty standard these days to wake up screaming, tangled in the sheets, beads of sweat on my forehead. Buttercup is growling, poised for action by my feet. I must have frightened him with all the noise. I switch on the small lamp by my bed and hide my face in my hands as I try to regain control of my breathing. Was I cursed to relive that same moment over and over in my nightmares? Never reaching her in time, forced to watch her burn. I shake my head vigorously to rid myself of the images.
I swing my legs out of bed and touch down on the cool wooden floor boards. I pad softly to the window and partially pull back one of the curtains. It's still dark but the faint light of dawn is beginning to peak over the horizon. I allow myself a brief glance in the direction of Peeta's house. If I didn't know any better I would assume it was still empty. Haymitch's house too looks completely vacant. I haven't seen or heard from my mentor since we first arrived in 12. Drunk bastard.
There's a niggling feeling in the back of my mind. On our return journey Haymitch had handed me a letter from my mother. At the time I couldn't bring myself to read her lame excuse for abandoning me and so the letter lay untouched on the small circular table next to my rocker in the kitchen. I now feel a strong desire to read it.
Buttercup jumps from the bed and follows closely behind me as I make my way downstairs. He weaves in between my legs and mews at me. I have nothing to feed him. Ignoring his cries of hunger I cross the kitchen and begin to sift through the pile of unopened mail. Of course my mother's letter is at the bottom. I hold it tightly in both hands and sit in my rocker.
"Just do it," I command myself and hook my thumb into the fold at the back of the envelope to tear it open. I've barely read the first sentence and I can feel a tightening in my chest.
My darling Katniss,
You'll think me a coward for not telling you in person that I have chosen to stay behind.
You're probably correct.
I won't ask you to forgive me, I simply ask for you to understand that I can't go on living with the ghosts of the past. I don't want to see the ashes and the dust and be reminded of your father. I can't be near the town square and think of you and Primrose at the reaping. I'm in desperate need of a fresh start.
District 4 has built a new hospital and they've asked me to share my knowledge on herbal medicine. They are in great need of volunteers with medical experience. I know I can help them. I want to help them.
I need you to know how proud I am of you, Katniss. You have risen to every challenge and faced them with great bravery. These trials have only served to make you stronger and you have flourished into an incredible young woman.
Please call me as soon as you can. I need to know you're safe. Haymitch has the number for the hospital, you can reach me there. Please call, Katniss.
I will always love you,
Mom
Xxx
I reread the letter half a dozen times and search my emotions. Hurt, anxiety, sadness. Overwhelming sadness, not for me, but for her. I know my mother has always been a delicate person. When my father died it almost killed her. She shut herself away, refused food and didn't speak to anyone, even Prim. I felt such anger towards her then. I couldn't understand how she could cut herself off emotionally from us both, leaving us to fend for ourselves. I had to take on the roll as parent and provider. But now, now that I too have experienced terrible loss, I understand why she can't come back here. I wouldn't have come back if I'd been offered a choice. But damn her for leaving her contact number with Haymitch. I had hoped to avoid him for all eternity. Perhaps mother knew that I would shut myself away from humanity and this was her way to ensure that I made contact with at least one person. She couldn't have known that Greasy Sae would take it upon herself to visit twice a day every day.
Right on queue, I hear the front door open and listen to the thump of her feet on the wooden floor. Too much thumping for just one person. Perhaps Daisy has recovered quickly from her fever. But the sound is too heavy for such a small child. I look quizzically at Sae when she enters the kitchen and she looks back at me with surprise. She looks over her shoulder briefly and makes a 'stay' motion with her hand.
"You should get dressed," she says, looking me up and down.
I'm still in my nightdress. It's old and tatty and far too big. It falls off one shoulder and the hem is down to my calves. Still, Sae has seen me in much worse condition than this. I rise from my rocker and place mother's letter back on the round table.
"Who's here?" I ask, not meaning for my voice to sound so harsh.
Sae steps further into the kitchen and places a basket of groceries by the stove.
"It were only decent to invite him for breakfast," she says defensively, motioning again to whoever is standing in the hall. "He's alone too, you know."
I look back to see Peeta appear in the doorway holding a package wrapped in brown paper. "I baked," he says sheepishly.
I feel a flush rise in my cheeks, partly from anger at Sae for daring to invite someone without my permission, but mainly because I'm standing in front of Peeta in a threadbare nightdress. As quick as a flash I push past him and bolt up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door loudly.
After a brief battle with myself over whether to stay locked up in my bedroom or return downstairs, I dig out a plain smock top from the dresser and a pair of dark trousers. The mirror on the bedroom wall catches the sunlight as it streams in through the large window and I allow myself a fleeting glance at my reflection. I look clean but far from healthy. My clothes hang loosely off my body and my face is gaunt and pale. I rake my fingers through my wild hair to try and tame it. I don't have much success. My patchwork skin is still tinged with pink and flakes at the touch of a hand. I think about the ample supply of ointments, creams and lotions the Capitol supplied me with before I left 12, all unopened and stacked on a high shelf in the bathroom. Perhaps I should start using them.
Suddenly I'm cross at myself for caring about my appearance. I didn't ask for company. Besides, who am I trying to impress? I huff at my own rhetorical question and head downstairs. I can hear light conversation taking place between Greasy Sae and Peeta. I rarely make conversation with Sae and she knows not to ask me questions.
A delightful aroma drifts from the kitchen. It doesn't smell like Sae's usual breakfast of eggs or porridge. I enter silently and fetch a glass from the cabinet, fill it with water from the tap and take a seat at the table all the while trying to avoid eye contact with Peeta. I can feel his gaze upon me. I focus on counting the knots in the wooden dining table.
"What smells so good?" I ask no one in particular.
"Train arrived this morning carrying goods from the Capitol," says Sae. "I got us some bacon. Bit of animal fat outta help bring your strength up."
I nod politely but keep my eyes down. Sae must have heard about my failed hunting trip.
"And I baked some cheese buns," Peeta adds.
This forces me to look up. In the centre of the table is a plate loaded with my favourite baked treat. I instantly feel my mouth begin to water. Peeta is sat across from me at the table and leans forward on his arms.
"I remembered how much you liked them," he says.
I'm struck dumb for a moment as I stare back into his blue eyes. There's no cloudiness in them. He looks like the old Peeta but for some reason that causes me pain.
"Thank you," I whisper. "Thank you for remembering."
Peeta leans back in his chair and smiles contentedly to himself just as Greasy Sae places a plate full of bacon in front of each of us. I reach out tentatively towards the cheese buns and nearly jump out of my skin when Peeta leans forward again and pushes the whole plate towards me. He winks and I drop my eyes to the floor again but I can't help the small twitch in my lip that pulls the corners upward. I quickly stuff a bun in my mouth to hide my almost-smile.
Peeta and Greasy Sae continue their conversation about the recovery and rebuilding work taking place in town. I don't even pretend to pay attention as I make my way through cheese bun after cheese bun. I feel Buttercup rubbing against my legs beneath the table. When I think Sae isn't watching I grab a fistful of bacon off my plate and drop it onto the floor, wiping the grease on my trousers. Buttercup wastes no time in wolfing it down and cries for more. I roll my eyes and give him the rest of my plate.
"Well I better be off," Peeta says as he stands up. "Thank you for breakfast, Sae."
"No trouble at all," Sae replies, stacking our dirty plates by the sink.
"Katniss," I peek at him through my eyelashes when he calls my name. He seems to hesitate before finishing with "See you around."
I half expect to see him again when Greasy Sae comes back at dinnertime but I'm wrong. However he does appear again for breakfast the next morning, and the morning after that, and several mornings after that. Each time he brings either a fresh loaf of bread or a dozen cheese buns and each time he stands to leave I feel a dull ache in my chest. I barely utter a word when he's around and yet for some reason I hate to see him go.
Sae gives me a telling off one morning after Peeta has left. She tells me I'm rude for not joining in the conversations and that Peeta must think I don't want him around. Every morning afterwards I make a point of asking him one question.
"Do you bake for anyone else?" I ask one morning.
Peeta smiles. "A few folks from town found out I was back in 12 and asked if I would bake some bread for them a couple of times a week. They offered to pay me but I'd rather do it as a favour. I don't need their money."
I nod thoughtfully and cast a quick look at Greasy Sae as if to say 'my conversation for the morning is over and done with. Happy now?'. She rolls her eyes back at me. There's no pleasing some people I guess.
"I' took a fruit loaf to Haymitch the day before yesterday," Peeta continues and I snap my gaze back to him.
"You've been spending time with Haymitch?" I ask? Damn, there's question number two.
"I wouldn't call it 'spending time'," Peeta replies. "He's either passed out in a chair or staggering around the living room yelling curse words at me. I just check in on him sometimes, make sure he's not face down on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit."
Greasy Sae tuts loudly. "That man needs help," she says. Peeta and I stay silent. We both know that Haymitch has been through too much and is beyond help.
"I gotta go," Peeta announces and I feel that stab in my chest again. "Oh but Katniss, Dr Aurelius asked me to remind you again that he really needs you to answer his calls. He can help, Katniss."
Something in his tone of voice makes me promise to call the doctor. And so a few hours later I muster the courage to pick up the phone. It rings for much longer than I expect and I think about hanging up just as a voice comes on the other end of the line.
"Dr Aurelius's office. How many I help?"
"My name is Katniss Everdeen. Can I please speak with Dr Aurelius?"
I'm put on hold for only a few seconds before I hear the familiar sound of his voice.
"Katniss!" Dr Aurelius greets me. "I'm so pleased you called."
"I got your message," I say simply.
He chuckles lightly. "Yes, well you didn't answer any of my calls so quite naturally I became concerned. I had to reach you somehow," He clears his throat loudly. "I must conclude that you've seen Peeta."
"Let's start with something a little less complicated, ok Doc?" I don't want to talk about Peeta just yet.
"Of course of course," he replies and pauses for a while as if deciding what to ask next. "How is your general health? Are you eating? Getting enough sleep?"
I tell him about Greasy Sae's visits at morning and night but leave out the bit about Peeta bringing me bread.
"My sleep is...disturbed," I say.
"Nightmares?" He asks tentatively and I grunt in response. "How frequent are they?"
"At least one every night, sometimes more." I hear him scribbling notes as I talk.
"Did you want to discuss what happens in these nightmares?" He asks.
"Not today," I reply quickly. I don't want to think about, let alone talk about the dead people that haunt my dreams.
"That's ok, Katniss. Whenever you're ready." He clears his throat again. "What about your menstrual cycle. Has that returned to normal?"
After my first games I went 4 months without a period. They started again but only briefly before I was flung back into the area for the Quarter Quell. I haven't had a single one since then.
"Should I be worried?" I ask.
"It wouldn't be considered abnormal when you look at what you've been through. You're body has been under excessive stress for some time. Take into consideration how physically active you were before and during the games and your low body weight, I'm not surprise they've gone AWOL. My advice is to try and gain a little bit of weight each week. And try to get yourself into some form of routine."
"What kind of routine?"
"Getting up at the same time each day and going to bed at the same time each night. Eating regular meals. It's important for your recovery to try and go through the motions of normal daily life. Go hunting, take walks into town, visit…people."
Our conversation ends with me lying about using the medicated creams for my skin and half-heartedly agreeing to call again in 2 weeks.
Forming a routine proves to be exceptionally hard. I try to take the doctors advice and set myself a time to get up each morning. Greasy Sae's visits already form part of a routine but it's the hours in between breakfast and dinner I find hardest to fill. I don't feel strong enough, mentally or physically, to go hunting every day or to visit town. As for visiting people, well my choices aren't that great. Instead I wander from room to room in my big empty house, only avoiding one room in particular. I can't bring myself to enter Prim's bedroom with its soft pastel coloured walls and the collection of stuffed animal toys I had purchased for her when I won the money from my first games.
I methodically work through each room, opening the windows and giving the place a good airing. I dust the mantles over each fireplace and plump the sofa cushions in the living room. I return to the box in the study and my hand reaches for the plant book. I flick through the pages, glancing at the scribbled notes in the margins. It's then that the idea comes to me. My father and I had created this book to record all those details we couldn't commit to memory. Couldn't I do the same thing again but this time record everything I wanted to remember about the people I had lost? A memory book.
I tuck the book under one arm and stride purposefully towards the front door. It's time I made an important phone call.
A bit of Peeta as promised. There will be more to come.
I hope you've enjoyed reading chapter 2 of The Long Road. I'd love to hear your thoughts so please review.