The next morning I wake up with an arm draped across my abdomen, but it isn't my arm. I move my head and see Bellamy beside me. The pain and heartache of yesterday wash over me inflicting a new version of greif that threatens to pull me under, but it doesn't. I close my eyes and match my breathing to that of the boy beside me. After another moment, I'm okay... I'm empty, but able to stand up and change my clothes. I throw my legs out of the bed and almost stand in a basin of water. I look down and see the rag soaked in blood beside it. My hands are clean, Bellamy must have washed them as I slept. I dodge the basin and wander to my pile of clothes in the corner, pulling out a pair of well worn jeans and a fresh grey t-shirt beneath my blue jacket. Once dressed, I leave the tent, looking back to see Bellamy still sound asleep. I cant help but smile, he looks so peaceful. Maybe that's what Finn looks like now... Peaceful.
I walk onto the compound to see people milling around going about their daily tasks. How can they? How can they just forget?
I hear noise coming from the medical bay and go to help. Strapped to the table is Raven, with two members of the Guard wrestling to restrain her arms. 'Let me go!' She yells, her tone so frantic it's almost animalistic. She locks eyes with me and I see the hatred burning there stronger than ever before. My mother administers a sedative, and she's gone... But the look has been tattooed on my eyeballs. I cant forget what I've done... Raven will never let me forget.
Mom asks me if I want to stay and talk, sort the bottles in the cabinet... But I don't. I give no response, turn and walk out of the medical bay.
When I reach the gates, I keep walking. None of the guards stop me, there's a truce on after all.
I barely make it to the tree line before I feel a hand on my wrist. Bellamy moves in front of me, blocking my path and improving his grip my taking me by the upper arm.
'This isn't the answer Princess.' He says forcefully, but with an underlying tone of sensitivity that I wouldn't have thought possible a few months ago.
'I can't be there.' I say, my voice low and rough, 'I can't see their faces, blaming me for what I did.'
'Nobody blames you.' Bellamy responds, his quiet demeanor prompting me to explode.
'I do!' I scream, 'I blame me!' There's a moment of silence before the tears come., just long enough for me to slump to the ground. I'm weak. I've never been weak like this before, I can't be weak like this now. I feel Bellamy around me , his arms encasing me in a comforting embrace as he makes soft hushing noises that do nothing to calm the storm inside me.
Eventually, Bellamy manages to prise me off the ground and, guiding me by the hand, walks me back to camp. At first I wonder where we're going, its nowhere near my tent. Its only when he pulls back the flap to his own tent that i stop and consider what's going on.
'I thought,' he begins to explain, 'I thought you might like a change of scenery.' I consider this, and then realise he has summarised why I went into the forest. I needed to be somewhere Finn wasn't, and this was the perfect place. I nod and he pulls me forward.
When I get into the tent, the first thing that I notice is the smell. It smells of Bellamy, as if the air in here is filled by him even though we've only been here for a short number of weeks. I look around and its much as I expected, a copy of the Mount Weather map is stuck to one wall with an array of multi-coloured routes and plans scribbled across it. Beneath the map is his weaponry, his old knife from the drop ship, his gun, a variety of bullets (some fresh and some only shells). But something catches my eye. Amongst the machines is a metallic square. Small in size and dull due to its obvious age.
Taking a step closer, I see what it is and a wave of feeling passes through me. Its a picture frame holding a photo of Bellamy, Octavia and a woman, who must be their mother. The picture must have been taken when Octavia was only a few hours old and you can see the mix of terror and joy in his mothers eyes. Glad to have her girl alive and well, but knowing what lies in store. Bellamy on the other hand is looking at Octavia out of the corner of his eye, his signature big-brother, protective stance already established. I smile at the picture. This was a time when they were happy.
'There it is' I hear Bellamy say, not realising he was so close behind me, 'I missed that smile.'
I turn away from the picture and look at the boy standing before me now, he may have been forced to a life of terrible deeds, but that protectiveness never faded, only now its directed at me and I realise something... Its a feeling I haven't dreamed of since my father died. Protected.