A Day in the Life
September 27th
Okay, I'm sitting at my new desk outside Orochimaru-sama's office. So much has happened that I don't think I even know where to begin, but I guess the story needs a quick run-through.
Met up with Suigetsu this morning at Starbucks to get a coffee before going in to work. Yes, you heard me correctly. There is a Starbucks. Here. Underground. Apparently Orochimaru is one of the biggest shareholders and he wanted one here for his employees to use, so they did him a favour. Not that I mind that at all, as it meant I could treat myself to a seasonal Cinnamon Latte before the big day.
We arrived fifteen minutes early at 8:45am (inside the place is HUGE - as big as the Konoha HQ of Konoha-Suna Corp.) and took the elevator to the bottom floor. Obviously, it's underground, so everything goes down here.
The meeting was at 9:15am and everyone of consequence was there to welcome me. It was a shade intimidating, I must admit. Kabuto was all smiles and introduced me to everyone I should know. I was introduced to Karin, the head of Sales and Marketing (she's really quite hot, I might have to try my luck later), to Amachi (the head of IT), to Gen'yumaru (the head of Purchasing) and to Suigetsu, even though we've already had a disgraceful, drunken night in front of the TV together. We pretended we'd never met and shook hands.
Kabuto, it turns out, is the head of R&D, but he's been temporarily filling the position of Orochimaru's PA.
That is where it all began to get complicated.
About halfway through the meeting, Orochimaru himself came in. He stopped and surveyed me for a prolonged moment, looking me up and down. I felt incredibly awkward. Then he smiled, thankfully broke eye contact, and announced to the world at large that I was going to fill Kimimaro's position.
I swear not a nanosecond went by before Kabuto began to protest in a veiled, passive-aggressive manner, saying that he wasn't sure whether I'd be ready, that I hadn't been trained yet, didn't know how the company worked etc. Obviously, Suigetsu was right and Kabuto really was hung up on the boss and would not tolerate competition (ugh - did I just even think of myself that way?) Orochimaru asked me what I thought. Naturally, I was royally pissed off that Kabuto was trying to steal my job (nothing to do with getting in with the boss) so I said that I was fine starting right now and that I was sure I could handle the pressure. Orochimaru nodded and said, "Well that's settled then."
He motioned me to follow him out of the room and I swear I could feel Kabuto's jealous death glares because the back of my neck was tingling. It's my personal, sure-fire indicator of such things.
I've been here for just under two hours and already I'm caught up in office drama...
LATER: I received an e-mail from Juugo from Accounts welcoming me to the company. Never saw him at the meeting today. I guess Suigetsu was telling the truth about him, too. I've been invited to dinner at Gen'yumaru's. Apparently, he's a really good cook. I'm just relieved I won't have to eat microwaveable chilli and rice for the third night in a row.
September 28th
Went up one floor to Gen'yumaru's apartment last night and had dinner. Dear sweet Jesus, my taste buds have never been so titillated.
Karin had said he was a good cook, but when I tried his Thai monkfish curry I had to stifle a potentially loud and indecent moan of pleasure. It was seriously that good. Must go to Gen'yumaru's for dinner more often.
The topic of conversation at the table was Kabuto and how utterly hilarious it was today at the meeting that he didn't even know I was replacing Kimimaro. Amachi, apparently, heard him bitching at the water cooler to one of his underlings. What an utter wanker.
October 1st
I have not written an entry for a few days. This is because my life is slowly beginning to revolve around Orochimaru.
I have been his PA for just under a week now and this is what my days consist of:
1. I pick up his morning order from Starbucks and have it in his office by 8:50am. He usually has either peppermint tea or green tea, this depending on his mood.
2. While he has his tea, I collect his mail bag from upstairs. I sort through the mail and shred the junk while he checks his e-mails.
3. He usually has a meeting at 9:40am and I have to attend. The ones with the R&D department are particularly excruciating, mainly because of Kabuto trying to undermine me at every turn.
4. After whatever meeting I've been to, Orochimaru lets me have a quick break. I usually pop along to the Senior Staff Members' Room and have a chat with Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru. Juugo sometimes turns up via MSN. He's seems quite nice - if a little odd. Suigetsu is always there. I don't think he actually does any work.
5. Break over, I sit at my desk and stop people interrupting Orochimaru while he's dealing with his appointments. Kisame came by the other day to speak to him. I hope this doesn't involve going to a certain funeral. Surely he must be over it by now?
6. When Orochimaru is finished, I bring him another cup of tea. Again peppermint or green, depending on his mood. Then I take his order for lunch. When I've organised that, I go back up to his office to type the letters he dictates. He has taken to standing a little too close to me while I do this.
7. Lunch, equating to the comparative freedom of the Staff Room. Gen'yumaru sometimes brings in leftovers and we help ourselves. Score on that front!
8. After lunch, I sit out at my desk, finally getting a chance to check my e-mails and play Solitaire because Orochimaru always take a long lunch. When he comes back, he stares at me for awhile and makes small-talk before going into his office.
9. What he does for the rest of the day, I don't know. But whenever he has an afternoon meeting, I have to go with him.
This trailing around after him has become a rather unnerving, recurring pattern. I feel like I'm constantly around him. The only break I get is when I go back to my apartment. Then I can mess around on MSN, reply to e-mails, look up random articles on Wikipedia, or go round to Gen'yumaru's with Suigetsu, Karin and Amachi for food and wine (mostly wine, I'll have to admit).
But that always seems to fly by and then I'm back spending most of next day with the boss. Oddly enough, Orochimaru doesn't seem too much. You'd think he'd be sick of me by now. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part...
October 2nd
Orochimaru told me that he's going to Goldie's funeral tomorrow. (What. The. Fuck?)
I have to go with him apparently. He's having his funeral kimono dry-cleaned and I have to pick it up later. I asked him who else was going and he looked at me funny and went back into his office.
I think it might just be the two of us.
Oh dear god...
October 3rd
Goldie's funeral was a paragon of the absurd. Kisame, clearly, has more money than sense.
He had commissioned a miniature casket, made of solid oak trimmed with gold in which his beloved fish would be laid to rest. There were wreathes of white roses - one particularly large and ornate that spelled "GLODIE" (the florist appears to have been dyslexic) and he had hired out a crematorium specially for the occasion.
Everyone looked spectacularly bored. Well, except Orochimaru, who appeared quite amused by the whole affair and even volunteered to say a few words. Kisame tearfully accepted and guided him on to the podium. It was extraordinarily cruel of him, but I couldn't help but smile. Halfway through his eloquent but insincere speech, he caught my eye and winked. I looked away and pretended to be interested in the cars parked outside the crematorium.
Itachi was there too, and he, like Orochimaru, made an insincere speech. It was his job mostly to stand next to Kisame and give him the odd pat on the shoulder while saying "There, there," in a detached manner. All of the other Akatsuki Group higher-ups were there. Deidara was there (and fidgeting the whole time), Sasori too (looking incredibly bored), Zetsu (being surly as usual), Hidan (likewise looking bored), Kakuzu (he was actually painting his nails!!), the blue-haired chick (can never remember her name) and Tobi (the new guy).
When the coffin was lowered and the curtains drew closed, Kisame openly wept into my brother's shoulder. It was a gross display of idiocy. I said this to Orochimaru and he smiled conspiratorially at me. I think he agreed with me.
After the service was over, we went back to the Akatsuki Group HQ to have a few drinks. I say "a few". It was more like drinking the bar dry. Naturally, Itachi did not take part in the proceedings because he is teetotal and a boring prat. He stayed until the end, of course, so he could drive everyone back to their apartments. Hidan didn't either, but that's because he's religious. Weirdo. Orochimaru and I are staying at his town house (it has internet access - I'm using it right now).
Deidara and I were sat at the bar for a large part of the night, doing shots. He kept twitching and getting up to go to the bathroom. I think he has a cocaine habit. I'll have to reserve judgement until I have proof, though. A little while later, Orochimaru came to join us. Deidara started flirting with him outrageously, touching him on the shoulder and tittering obsequiously every time he said something witty.
To my horror, Orochimaru was responding! I mean, not that I'm ungrateful to Deidara or anything, but he's supposed to be going after me! Why have a vapid, airhead blonde when you can have an Uchiha? Of course, that is not an option. He cannot have an Uchiha, but I'm disappointed in his settling for second best.
To top it all off, Deidara came back with us in Itachi's Bentley! I was sat in the front with Itachi and I could hear them doing indecent, drunken things in the back seat. It was all I could do to keep from looking. Itachi seemed to be working along the lines of pretending nothing was wrong. Everyone is so morally bankrupt these days, it makes me sick...
LATER: Oh my god... I will never ever recover from this. This was so much worse than the Gai Incident. So much worse. I went down to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water and They Were There. On the table.
I don't think I'll be able to look Orochimaru in the eye from now on. Or Deidara...
October 5th
Back at my apartment. Walked in to find Suigetsu and Amachi playing Dance Dance Revolution in front of the TV. Didn't stop to wonder how they managed to break in because I was so relieved to be back. I joined them and ended up winning.
They asked me how I got on with being stuck with the boss for two days. They were definitely after sordid gossip. I told them about the funeral, about the after-funeral shenanigans, then the Deidara incident and they cackled with glee. Yeah, it was funny to them. They don't have to work with the boss 24-7, with the image of his nakedness forever etched upon their scarred minds.
When I woke up the morning after the Deidara Incident, I resolved to stay in my room for as long as possible, only leaving when it was time to go back to Otogakure.
I had a half a rolled-up bag of peanuts from the bar last night and internet access - everything I needed to sustain me.
At about 4:34 in the afternoon, there was a knock on the door. It was a rather pretty young lady - a member of Orochimaru's house staff - asking if I was alright. I rolled out my ready made excuse, that I had a really bad hangover and I couldn't possibly show my face in front of the boss in such a state. She bought it and presumably went away to tell Orochimaru, because five minutes later, she returned with a tray of food and two asprin.
She was quite pretty, so I asked her to come in for a bit. Her name, it turned out, was Kagero. Naruto had e-mailed me a list of funny videos on YouTube and we sat and watched them on my computer for a while. I turned on the Uchiha charm and was pleased to see that I haven't lost it. I managed to get some lip action and her number before she had to get back to work and I had to leave for Otogakure and suffer the drive back with Orochimaru and his chauffeur.
I felt a bit better after that, though. I might even call her later if I feel so inclined.
October 12th
Nothing at all interesting has happened this week apart from me beating Amachi at Tekken 5 with Yoshimitsu. He didn't speak to me for a while. Apparently, he never loses.
Orochimaru has been a little funny with me, though. Does he know that I know about the Deidara Incident?
Kabuto's vindictiveness has reached new levels. He actually tried to trip me up on the way in to work this morning and pretended it was an accident. I spilled my coffee over my new shirt and had to run back to change and I ended up being late. I'm not standing for this any longer. I'm going to get him back for that one...
October 14th
I've just found an e-mail from Orochimaru in my inbox asking me to come over to his office whenever I have the time. Translated, this means: right away or you will be fired before you can say 'unfair'.
I'd better go.
I hope it's not anything bad...