Eddy: This again? I thought we just had to do this once!
Double-D: Apparently not. I was actually looking forward to leaving this retched narration duty behind.
Ed: CHRISTMAS TIME, GUYS!
Eddy: Real original, Christmas chapter in December!
Double-D: Let's just ignore the cliches that will surely occur and begin this.
Eddy: Shouldn't we-
Double-D: No. We should not.
Eddy: Aren't you a festive one?
Double-D: Ho, ho, ho.
Ed: Double-D said a bad word, Eddy!
"Very well then, shall we see if we can't be more civilized this time?"
"I still don't get why we gotta do this!"
"Because you two trashed Jimmy's entire house during the last reading."
"Ed provoked me!"
"Not this time, Eddy; I have to be a good boy or Santa won't come with presents!" Once again, the three Eds' were gathered in Jimmy's bedroom to read him a bedtime story. Some were more excited than others.
"Still don't get why you offered him ten more stories..." Eddy was leaning cockily against Jimmy's dresser, poking around in his mouth with a toothpick.
"It was the decent thing to do, Eddy, since you wouldn't offer him a sincere apology!" Double-D was seated in the armchair, book already in hand. "Well, let's begin with the reading, shall we?"
"What's tonight's story, Double-D?" Jimmy was already in bed, cover pulled up to his chin in excitement; even if his whole house had been demolished the last time, he had to admit that the three Eds trying to tell a coherent story was more fun than binge watching Project Runway.
"Well, since we are a mere twelve days from Christmas-"
"TWELVE PIPERS PIPING; OH BOY, OH BOY!"
"I thought we would read something befitting that very theme!" Double-D decided to ignore Ed's sidetracking, especially when the latter threw open the window to look out over the snow covered streets in great expectation for your average twelve pipers on a walk in the night.
"Uhm, Cratchit? Christmas's tomorrow."
"Really? Could've sworn it was twelve days left. Time sure does move fast nowadays..."
"Could we get this over with? I got things to do!"
"Like?" Double-D raised a skeptic eyebrow.
"Like... Uh..." Eddy blanked and threw up his hands in defeat. "Just read the damn thing."
"With pleasure." Double-D smirked at Eddy before opening the book to its first page. "Now, imagine that..."
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
"Aight, I gotta stop ya' right there. What in the name of all that is holy is 'twas' supposed to mean?"
"It was."
"What was it?"
"It means 'it was'."
"It was?"
"Yes."
"I'm confused, guys, what was it?"
"It was 'it was'!"
"Oh, I thought it wasn't!"
"Wasn't it 'was it' though?"
"Gentlemen, 'Twas' is a shortened form of 'It was'." Double-D groaned inwardly at the interruption in the spirit of Abbot and Costello. If Eddy's comments weren't going to be enough, Ed's definitely were.
"Why don't you just say that 'it was' then?"
"Because it's in the story!"
"It's old and stupid, that's what 'twas.'"
Double-D ran a frustrated hand across his face before collecting himself. "As I was saying!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except the Kankers' who were aroused.
Eddy! What? Just adding gusto to the story! There's a difference between 'flavor' and 'amorous intentions'! I'm hungry guys! Ed, why don't you go to the kitchen and see what you can find? Off like an elf, Double-D! You just wanted to get rid of him, didn't you? ... Yes. Let's continue.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
HOLD IT! Who the hell is St Nicholas? Santa Claus. What? It's an older name for him. Really? Yes. Along with Father Christmas and Kris Kringle. ... Did fucking Shakespeare write this? I believe that was actually his middle name. William Fucking Shakespeare? Yes, that's where we get the word from. You're shitting me. I'm not. Really? Of course it's not! Why in the name of sanity would someone give their child profanity as a middle name?! Why would someone name their kid after the damsel in Robin Hood? ... Touche, Eddy.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
And they hoped that the bugs had all too gone to rest
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Dressed like old folks and therefore should visit The Gap
... Eddy, you're not funny. I think this is comedy gold! HEY, MONOBROW, FETCH ME SOME EGGNOG WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE! OKIE-DOKIE, EDDY! YOU WANT ANYTHING, DOUBLE-D? A GLASS OF WATER PLEASE, ED! What am I doing, why am I encouraging them? Anything to not read this stupid story?
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
That's what happens when Santa gets older and fatter
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Three feet off the ground, I was sky high on- Eddy!
The moon on the breast- Oh my...- of the new-fallen snow
Made ol' Frosty a nipple way down there below
I walked right into that one I assume... You sure did, Sockhead.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
Question; the guy is fatter than your average trucker and he has... A miniature sleigh? ... Apparently. Like, for kids? It could be perceived that way, yes. Pulled by eight baby reindeers? Yes. Wow, this story just gets dumber and dumber with every word. I'll give you that one, I don't see much sense in it.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
Come on, the only thing that rhymes with that has to be di- St. Nick!
Ah... That makes more sense. Doesn't it?
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Elton, now John, now guy in the navy!
On Tom, Jones, Osmosis, on Rudolph and Gravy!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
We don't need education, hit the school, let it fall!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
He steered them so carelessly, you would think he was high
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The exhausted stamping of eight reindeer's hoofs
Carrying around that fatty's a job for itself
In a blink, through the chimney came said elf
Nice save there! Why thank you, Eddy!
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
PETA's on his ass, barely approve of the boots
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And for you who don't speak grandma', a bundle's a sack
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Alright, he's happy, but man, is he slow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
Okay, even I have to say something about this. What now? What now? Santa's sponsored by Camel for fuck's sake! Eddy, that's not- If the cookies weren't enough to give him diabetes, he's sure as hell gonna have lung cancer by this time next year!
"Mom, what's that?"
"Oh, that's nothing dear, Santa's in the living room coughing up a lung." Why not just throw in a bag of crack rocks and three ho, ho, hoes- SIDETRACKING LIKE MAD HERE!
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
Just like mine! Yours is more like a sack of potatoes, Lumpy. Hey, why don't you go and check if Santa's been here? Will do, Eddy! Go on. What, you really want to hear the story? No, I just want you to finish so I can forget ever hearing it in the first place!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
Let the fat burglar stay and watched while he worked
Putting gifts under the tree faster than a store clerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
That's what this is all about! The guy just scored a big line of coke and hallucinated out of their- I'M A GOOD ELF! NO, ED, NO! What the- I'M COMING, LUMPY!
"So sorry for this, Jimmy!" Double-D rushed to Eddy's aid, the shorter one having sprinted downstairs when they had heard their friend's voice from within the wall, approximately where the chimney would lead past. But Jimmy didn't hear Double-D's apology; he was far gone into dreams about sugar plums and jolly elves. But if Double-D and Eddy hadn't been downstairs, arguing over the best way to get their friend out of Jimmy's chimney and if Ed hadn't been busy crawling up Jimmy's chimney with a finger glued to the side of his nose and if Jimmy hadn't been grinning in his sleep to the festive images his mind display, they would first have heard the clock on the wall softly chiming twelve times, followed by heavy footsteps thundering across the roof of the neighboring house, followed by a whistle that rang out over the cul-de-sac. Because, as the old tale goes:
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
"Did you say something, Double-D?"
"I thought you did, Eddy?"
"Ed, you say something?"
"Nope, must've been Santa!"
"Oh, for Christ's sake..."
"Ed, please get down; Mother is hosting a family dinner tomorrow!"
"And where's my invite to that?"
"'Family' is the key word here, Eddy."
"Oh, and I'm not family?"
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"