A/N: this chapter is a loving tribute to all who were mad at ME3's ending. And explosions.

CHAPTER MOTHERF*CKING 2: TOO MANY N7'S, NOT ENOUGH EXPLOSIONS!

SO, I JUST CAME FROM THIS WORLD FILLED WITH F*CKING PONIES, AND IT WAS PRO-TESTOSTERONE, WELL AFTER I BLEW IT UP IN A BACON-TASTIC EXPLOSION I WAS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE. IT WAS REALLY F*CKING COOL UNTIL I SMACKED MY D*CK INTO THE SIDE OF THIS SPACESHIP THAT LOOKED LIKE A WHALE PENIS.

SO, I'M LOOKING UP INTO THE CARGO BAY OF THIS SHIP, EVERYONE'S FLIPPING SH*T BECAUSE THERE'S A HUGE F*CKING HOLE IN THE SIDE WALL AND I THINK THEY ALSO SAW ME OR SOMETHING, SO THIS GUY IN FAGGOTY BLUE ARMOR OR SOMETHING IS ALL LIKE "C*NTMANDDER SHEPPARD, SOME LONG WORD WITH AN 'A' THAT ISN'T ANAL MARINES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY SHIP?!"

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON, SO I PUNCHED HIM IN HIS D*CK AND MADE TRACKS TO THE ELEVATOR AND STUFF. YEAH…NOW PEOPLE WERE SHOOTING AT ME WITH THESE WIMPY B*TCH PISTOLS…WAIT, B*TCHTOLS! YEAH, I'N PATENTING THAT SH*T WHEN I GET BACK TO MY SPACE TRUCK TO F*CK HOOKERS MADE OF BACON.

WELL, ELEVATORS HAVE TOO MANY BUTTONS, SO I ONLY WENT I FLOOR UP. IT WAS KINDA STUPID, AT LEAST THE UN-BACONMURICA ELEVATOR MUSIC WASN'T AS BAD AS THE STAIR MUSIC WITH SKRILL COSBY AT MALIWAN'S DICK TEEPEE FIESTA. I NEVER WENT THERE, BUT DON'T QUESTION ME!

SO, THIS REPORTER B*TCH WITH NO BACKSTORY OR POINT TRIES TO INTERVIEW ME ON MY ATTACK OF THE 'NORMANDY', BUT I TELL HER I NEVER FOUGHT IN WW2 AND BLEW HER UP WITH MY DOUBLE-SPLOSION AND OH GOD THAT'S A LOT OF STD BLOOD BITS. I THINK I GOT AIDS IN MY MOUTHS, OR MAYBE THAT HOT DOG I HAD EARLIER IS COMING BACK FOR MORE AS A GRENADE.

SO I TURN AROUND AND THIS KENYAN HORSESHOE CRAB IN A RED CYBER HOOKER OUTFIT IS LIKE "YOU FIGHT DA COMMANDER! YO ARE DA REEPAS!" SO I JUST CRUSH HIS HEAD WITH MY F*CKING AMAZING PECS…I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR KENYAN HORSESHOE CRABS! F*CK CRABS!" THEN THIS ONE B*TCH WITH AN ASS IN A TIGHT SUIT RUNS BY YELLING FOR C*NTMUCNHER SHEPPARD OR SOME SHIT, AND JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF THE FISHBOWL AND SHE HER FACE, F*CKING ENGINEER SCOTT FROM STAR TREK COMES UP AND IS ALL LIKE "I LIKE P*SSY. CAN I RUB THAT IN ENOUGH!? THE ENGINES CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!1"

AS MUCH AS I LIKED SCOTTY IN GEN 1 STAR TREK (EVEN HIM AS A FAT F*CK IN THE MOVIES) I JUST JAMMED A BUNCH OF CHERRY NUKES UP HIS ASSTICULAR REGION AND TOSSED HIM BACK INTO THE ENGINE ROOM. AS I HEADED BACK INTO THE ELEVATOR, I HEARD A LOUD MOTHERF*CKING EXPLOSION AND GOT A REALLY BIG BONER AS THE SHIP'S SPEAKER VOICE THING WAS ALL LIKE "OHH NOOZZ! SELF DESTRUCT AN STUFF! EVICUATE LIKE NAO!" OR HOWEVER THE FUCK VOICES ON STARSHIPS F*CKING TALK.

WELL, THE F*CKING ELEVATOR YET AGAIN BRINGS ME UP ONLY 1 LEVEL SO I AM GREETED BY A B*TCH FROM THE BLUE GUY BAND WITH CORNROWS WHO THROWS SOME SPARKLY LIGHT AT ME. HOWEVER, MY DICK BLOCKED IT AND I CAME FOR SOME ODD REASON, HOWEVER THAT SURGERY DOC ZED GAVE ME ALSO TURNS MY CUM INTO EXPLOSIONS TOO, SO I F*CKED HER SHIT UP IN A BLAST THAT I CAN COMPARE TO CLAPTRAP AFTER 4 BOWLS OF CHILE. AND NOT THE COUNTRY.

WELL, THIS GUY WHO HAD BROWN BANANNAS ON HIS HEAD RUNS UP AND TRIES TO QUICKSCOPE ME YELLING CALIBRATIONS OR SOMETHING, BUT HE TRIPPED ON MY STILL-STARK TORGUE BONER (TRADEMARKED) AND GOT BLOWN UP BY ITS STILL STUNNING EXPLOSIVE GIRTH. YEAH, TORGUEALIS THE VIAGRA KNOCK-OFF CAN LEAD TO BALL CANCER AFTER A DAY LIKE THIS. JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO WRECK HIS SH*T,I SAW BACON IN THE KITCHEN THAT WAS ABOUT 12 FEET AWAY. SO I GRABBED THAT SH*T AND SNORTED IT WITH A LEAD PIPE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A STRAW….NOW I HAD A DOSE OF MURICA' IN MY BLOODSTREAM. AND A BIT OF CHINA BECAUSE OF THE LEAD THAT WAS ALSO NOW IN MY BLOODSTREAM.

WELL, THIS FLOOR OF THE SHIP WAS STARTING TO EXPLODE TOO….SO I WENT BACK TO THE ELEVATOR AND WENT 1 MORE LEVEL BUT ACIDENTTLY WENT UP 2…SO I WA SIN A BEDROOM FULL OF FISH, HAMSTERS AND BEDCUFFS WITH SPIKES…NORMALLY I APROVE OF THIS SH*T, BUT IT HAD NO EXPLOSIONS…AND THAT IS VERY, VERY UNTESTOSTERONE. SO, INSTEAD OF USING THE ELEVATOR, I JUST SMASHED A HOEL IN THE FLOOR OF THE ROOM AND DIVED INTO SOME SH*T CALLED THE "CIC". WELL, THIS TAN BITCH WAS LOOKING AT ME FREAKING OUT BECAUSE HER CARMEN ELECTRA PORN WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. IT WAS VERY F*CKING FUNNY.

THEN THESE 2 WHINY BITCHES YELLING ABOUT GUARDING DOORS AND THE TURIANS START SHOOTING AT ME, AND JUST BEFORE I SMASH THERE SKULLS, I HAD THE URGE TO YELL "THIS IS FOR BURNIE BURNS!" SO THEN THEY EXPLODED AND KNOCKED SOME CRIPPLE AND A SEX BOT DOWN A FLIGHT OF STARIS THE EXPLOSION MADE. WELL, I RAN FOR A SECTION CALLED "ANAL POD" OR SOMETHING, AND KICKED THE 2 WOMEN AND SEVERAL ORPHANS OUT OF IT AS I HIT THE LOCK AND GOT LAUNCHED AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSIDING SHIP. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL SEEING IT EXPLODE LIKE THE FANS WHO UNKNOWINGLY WENT TO THE SUPER MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE…WELL, I HAD A MOMENT TO MY MOTHERF*CKING SELF, SO I SENT A TEXT MESSAGE TO MY MOTHER, BECAUSE REAL F*CKING MEN LOVE THERE PARENTS!

JUST AS I SENT THE MESSAGE, I GOT JARRED AROUND IN THE POD AS IT SLAMMED INTO THE GROUND. AS I OPENED THE F*CKING HATCH TO RUB MY NOW-SORE ASS, I HAD LANDED ON A GUY IN A SUIT WHO WAS STANDING NEXT TO A SIGN THAT READ: "WELCOME TO MOTHERF*CKING MOONLIGHT BAY, THE PLACE WHERE SIMS GO TO F*CK AND SH*T. WELL, THE SIGN DIDN'T SAY THE "F*CK. OR SH*T. BUT, WHO GIVES A F*CK!? I WASN'T IN SPACE ANYMORE!

A/N: yes. Mr. torgue landed in the sims 3 to f*ck more shit up; not like he cares, just wait until he meets the jews and offers them bacon.

R&R and stuff