"C'mon, loves! The line's getting a little long over here!"
Tracer held a can of soda in her right hand an a pair of skis in her left. She was currently trying to usher her friends into a line to rent out equipment for skiing and snowboarding.
They were in Russia, following an invite from Zarya to spend a week and ski at her favorite childhood ski resort. This morning was to be their first day at the resort, as part of a week-long vacation.
Overwatch had been disbanded, but the old team still got together occasionally to reminiscence about the good old times and hang out as friends.
Today, Lena had gotten up extra early in her hotel room due to the jet lag from flying here from Britain, and had driven to the resort, finding an excited Zarya at the entrance. As always, Tracer had been the first to arrive.
After all the invited people had come (save Symmetra, as she had to go on an assignment from Vishkar) and Zarya had led the group inside to buy their tickets, they had all gone into the ski room to pick their equipment.
Now, Tracer stood impatiently in line as the rest of her former team took way too long to pick out their stuff.
"Hmmm.." Mulled Hanzo, staring at a pair of pearly-white skiing boots with dragon emblems painted on them. "These seem worthy of my-"
"Fungus-infested feet?" D. Va smirked as she passed him, having selected an overly colorful pair of skis herself.
"Why, you insolent child! I was going to say they seemed worthy for my glorious skill."
"Let's not get too cocky before we even get on them slopes." McCree scolded him as he stashed his Peacekeeper in his locker. "We'll see just how glorious you are when we make you do the black diamonds."
"Ha! You think those measly hills are a match for my years of ninja and combat training? I will navigate them with utter excellence and unparalleled agility!" Hanzo boasted.
Meanwhile, Roadhog was having trouble opening his locker. He had stashed his stuff inside, and his hook had gotten stuck on the lock mechanism when he had closed the locker. Now he was heaving his entire row of lockers several feet as he strained to pull his own open.
The other petrified omnics and humans in the room were frantically screaming as their stuff flew down from their own lockers as an irate Roadhog heaved the row this way and that. A small child, at the sight of the rather enraged and intimidating junker, clung to his mother and started crying in fright. Pharah went over to help Roadhog, but soon she was getting frustrated as well at the stubborn lock to the point that the rocket launcher was about to make an appearance and take a crack at the locker itself.
Sighing, Tracer got out of her place in line to prevent the Egyptian woman from destroying the entire locker room and burning the belongings of everybody to a crisp. She blinked over to where the armored woman and Roadhog were arguing over the best angle at which to fire Pharah's concussive blast to blast open the locker without destroying Roadhog's stuff inside.
"Loves, loves, it is not necessary to use brute force here, see-" Tracer found a notch where Roadhog's hook had caught on the lock, and, with some difficulty, dislodged the hook. The locker sprang open, and Tracer was hit full force on the knee with Roadhog's scrap gun and canteen as they tumbled out. That gun must have weighed a thousand pounds, because Tracer felt as if her knee had been splintered in half.
Roadhog apologized and expressed his thanks as relieved onlookers went back to their belongings, no longer having to fear the wrath of a hulk-like brute shaking down their lockers like they were rag dolls.
Genji had so far been unsuccessful in fitting the ski boots onto his specially-crafted cyborg feet, so Reinhardt had gone up to the counter to ask if they had any handicapped or other special types of boots that might fit the ninja.
"How handicapped are we talking?" Inquired the deep-voiced, assertive-looking woman from behind the counter, looking up at the German's tall frame. "Feet, legs, arms...?"
"How about the entire body save a small fragment of his face and shoulder. He relies on artificial attachments." Reinhardt intoned grimly. "I kid you not, the man is basically a walking tin can on ninja steroids. Do not mention that to him, though."
The woman barely had an opportunity to show her shock and disbelief when Genji himself walked over.
"I, the cybernetic cyborg Genji, am almost completely cybernetic and comprised of cybernetic parts. Do not judge me due to my cybernetic nature or I will fillet your throat with my cybernetic katana like a sushi chef presented with a fresh bass. I demand some boots that will fit my cybernetic feet. If you are cybernetically unable to provide me with such cybernetic equipment, I will unleash my cybernetic shurikens on your cybernetically-challenged body and utterly lay waste to your hopelessly uncybernetic flesh."
"Wha-GENJI!" Reinhardt spluttered in shock and disapproval as the woman behind the counter pulled herself up to her full height and slapped Genji across the visor with both hands. She was reaching for a snowboard with which to do the same thing, but Reinhardt pulled Genji away from the attack.
"Why say such things? I thought you had overcome your existential crisis with your machine body! There is no need for this unfounded-yet humorous-aggression!" The former crusader inquired.
Dodging a furious swing of a particularly lethal-looking snowboard with a heavy aesthetic of metal spikes, Genji lamented, "Zenyatta has been absent from my life for a long time. I fear that my soul has once again plunged into the dark valley of despair and self-loathing it once was dragged out of by him."
"Well, you'll see him when he comes back from his pilgrimage to Nepal, and I'm sure he'll make you feel better. In the meantime, try not to make mean comments about other people, especially regarding their cybernetic nature, or lack thereof." Reinhardt said, as he wrestled to keep the counter woman from grabbing a pair of sharp-bladed skis to continue her assault.
"Oh? And does this make you a hypocrite? You tell me to refrain from making mean comments, yet I overheard your shattering voice-I like you, but you cannot whisper for your life, my friend-telling the woman at the counter that I was on steroids."
"Damn straight he said that!" The furious-looking woman huffed. "And I'm still looking for an apology from your rusty ass, you Omnic wannabe!"
As Reinhardt opened his mouth to spew a hasty apology in Genji's stead, D. Va wandered over.
"What? Ol' tin man's on performance-enhancing drugs now? Those are banned from professional gaming events, you know. I don't know about crying-about-my-existence-as-an-awesome-robot-because-I-somehow-don't-think-it's-awesome events, though. Steroids may be legal for those."
"Your commentary is not appreciated, Doritos-chomping munchkin. Go drool over your first person shooters." Genji snarled.
"Screw you too, Genji. Actually take me up on that advice, though; I think some of those screws holding your feeble limbs together could use a few extra tightens and twists-"
The katana was almost truly used to fillet someone's head, had D. Va not ducked in time to avoid Genji's swift strike.
Hanzo walked over, having indeed chosen the pair of ski boots with the dragons.
"What ails you, brother?"
"You," Genji snapped, "And the curse you placed on me. If you hadn't killed me and forced me to don this metal body, all this violence and rudeness wouldn't be happening right now! And I could wear normal ski boots like you and not have to ask violent women for special ones!"
"Well, you always were "special", weren't you, Genji?" D. Va teased. "Special needs, that is."
"You are four years old. Go back to your mommy Roadhog and stop pestering me." Genji snarled, his visor flickering with anger.
"Well, I will once mommy Roadhog learns how to open a locker. His lard buttocks were actually jiggling with effort as he tried to open a teeny, tiny lock. You should have seen how useless all those so-called muscles of his were. Tracer opened it in like a second, and she's basically a time-traveling twig. But Roadhog's fat rolls sure got their workout in. I swear, they were working up magnitude 8.3 earthquakes with the shock waves they were generating as they rippled underneath that moldy loincloth he calls a-"
The Korean gamer was then swiftly whisked out of sight by a tremendous metal hook that closed around her waist. With a yelp, she passed behind a row of lockers (nobody knows how Roadhog managed to hook behind a corner) to face whatever Roadhog's mighty wrath would inflict upon her.
"What an insolent creature of pain and endless mockery," Genji and Hanzo sighed at the same time.
"I can't believe you guys have the exact same description of Hana." Reinhardt whispered in awe. Even the angry counter woman stopped to admire the unison of the words.
Hanzo raised his eyebrows. "Jinx."
Genji's eye roll was concealed behind his visor, but everybody knew he was doing it. "You are as insufferable as that little whelp."
"You owe me two arrows and your entire existence for speaking before someone called your name, Genji."
"His entire existence is pathetic. If I were you, Hanzo, I'd refuse that and have him spend two bucks instead at the convenience store here buying some cheap plastic foam toy arrows that are probably far deadlier than your own overgrown wood chips are. Should do you some good to listen to me." D. Va had returned, looking a little worse for the wear after Roadhog had administered his punishment. However, her tongue was just as savage as before.
"I'll put one of my overgrown wood chips in between your eyes if you say another word, you delirious dung-rolling donkey!" Hanzo screeched.
"My eyes are up here, you know."
Reinhardt and the counter woman roared with laughter as Hanzo turned as red as a beet.
"W-what a silly accusation; I-I never-"
"Embrace the love, partner," McCree drawled as he sauntered over to the group. "It'll only get stronger the more you fight it."
"I'll put an arrow in your skull as well, cowboy." Hanzo said, still extremely red in the face.
"If by "skull" you meant "butt", 'cause you were definitely looking at my fine posterior as I walked over here, I'll take your word for it."
D. Va and the counter woman were snorting so loudly with laughter that Roadhog peered across the aisle to see if some of his pig relatives had decided to turn up and join them on the vacation.
Hanzo decided to excuse himself to repair his dignity in private, and D. Va was about to turn her vicious tongue on Reinhardt when;
"OI LOVES! ARE YOU BLOODY RASCALS COMING WITH ME TO GET IN LINE TO CHECK OUT OUR SHIT, OR ARE YOU ALL GOING TO KEEP ON SQUABBLING LIKE A BUNCH OF MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ORANGUTANS?!" A red-faced Tracer was standing with her hands on her hips, glaring at her former teammates.
"C'mon, Trace, we don't all act like Winston!" D. Va rang out in indignation. The locker room was full of throaty guffaws from Roadhog and large chuckles from everybody else until Winston roared,
"That's quite enough, Hana. I could hear your merciless attacks on everybody else from across the room, and I am not eager to have that formidable wit turned towards me. Lena is right; we must make haste or the slopes will be all melted by the time we finally settle down and get out there."
"Rest assured-in Mother Russia, the slopes ski you. They never run out of snow with which to do so either, so harbor no worries about it melting." Zarya announced.
"And plus, we've got Mei here too to freeze up some melting areas, or Angela could just drop her latest model picture; that'll sure freeze over everything in a ten-mile radius, as it's the opposite of hot-"
"Child, please." Mercy begged in an exasperated tone. "If you want to roast, do it only over a campfire with a marshmallow in your hand."
"Alright gang! I'm all prepped and ready, and we should start heading out there. Jump in the line for checking out your stuff!" called out Junkrat as he stuffed the last of his concussive mines into his bulging locker.
This prompted Lúcio to start singing the ancient but still well-known song, "Jump in the Line" as everybody lined up. Tracer, Pharah, and Mei got into an acapella-style harmony, and Winston was adding some quality bass tones when Reinhardt interrupted the melody to say:
"Why is this filth invading my ears! Enjoy some good classics for once, like Hasselhoff!"
"I can't even take you seriously right now." Lúcio said, shaking his head as he handed up his skis to the counter woman, who had reverted back to her usual activities that did not involve braining cyborg ninjas with snowboards.
After everyone had gotten ready, Mei offered to make them all ice cream cones from her Endothermic blaster and some flavoring she obtained from the cafeteria.
"In this weather, are you serious?" Zarya asked, but accepted a cone nonetheless.
As they exited the lodge and made their way to the ski mountains, they could see crowds of people scattered throughout the slopes, on the lifts and resting areas, and hanging by the food vendors on the east side of the area.
"I wonder if I left something in my locker..." Tracer mused, as she snapped on her skis (white and orange, of course).
"I wonder if you left something in your head besides emptiness when you left your water closet in Britain to come here." D. Va had chosen a new target.
"Love, it seems you have forgotten that even without my pulse pistols, I pack a punch. I wouldn't rile me, if I were you. Luckily I'm not." Tracer retorted, folding her arms.
"Yes, if by punch you mean the slight tickles you will attempt as your feeble muscles struggle to do much of anything." D. Va chortled.
"What is with her today?" Hissed Hanzo to a giggling Junkrat.
"Dunno, but it sure is funny!" the Australian bellowed.
"Alright, who's doing the black diamond first?" Winston announced boldly, while at the same time shrinking away himself from the most formidable-looking hills in the distance.
"Mememememe!" Squealed Tracer. "I've got more than six years of ace piloting and even more agile blinking behind me! I sure can handle those slopes with ease!"
"I as well," rumbled Hanzo, causing everyone to turn in surprise. "My training has well-prepared me for whatever laughable dangers there will be on those hills, I think."
"I will go with you, brother, if only to laugh when you fall on your face." Genji called out.
"Or when he breaks his face on one of those spiked boulders or huge, sharp icicles they have as obstacles on those slopes. Still, there's not much he can do to make himself look even uglier than he is now!"
Hanzo hissed with fury. "Shut up, Hana, or I will make you." Tracer no longer looked so confident about her abilities to traverse the black diamond slopes, as she was thinking about how painful a huge icicle would be if it impaled itself in her chest.
"Oh, make me with what? Your precious dragons aren't around now, huh? You've got no arrows to fire them from. Well, you could always just get Genji to buy you some foam toy arrows from the convenience store, like I mentioned before. Not sure what types of dragons will spring forth from those, though." D. Va smirked.
"Giant foam pool noodles." Chortled Genji. "Should come in handy for our annual pool party."
"Or bathtime," laughed Winston.
"New Reality Show: Bathtime with Hanzo Shimada. Watch as he launches an unbelievable spray of soapy devastation from his pool noodle arrows. GASP! He even has a rubber duckling to accompany him on his dangerous aquatic quests! Ryuu GaQuacka Teki Wo Kurau!" D. Va screamed as everyone but Hanzo cackled with laughter.
"Huge sponges is actually what he'll launch." Mercy laughed, finally joining in the fun. "I should have a sufficient supply of them with which to wipe the drool off of McCree's face every time he looks at me."
"Hey, I ain't never liked you in that way, as angelic as you are, Mercy." McCree huffed, his smile fading from his face.
"Embrace the love. If you fight it, it only gets stronger, remember?" Hanzo said with a grin.
"Yeah, good one there, throwin' my words back at me, dragon boy."
"You mean, bathtime sensation?"
Laughter. Hanzo sighed. They would never let him forget this. Now they would not see him as the seasoned, formidable warrior he was. Only a bathtub celebrity. Well, it still beats the bedroom celebrity that Genji was before his transformation, he thought.
"Guys, if we're going to get any skiing or snowboarding done today, we have to get to it. Standing around laughing at Hanzo's pool noodle may be D. Va's definition of fun, but not mine. Let's go." Zarya told everyone.
"What's wrong with his pool noodle? Infected with an aquatic STD? Better rub-a-dub-dub, scrub him clean of that, Mercy!" D. Va howled, greeted by tremendous guffaws from all sides. Zarya shook her head with disgust and hopelessness.
"Hanzo was beginning to imagine how beautiful a scatter arrow would look as it collided with D. Va's smug face right now, but he was interrupted from his vision by Tracer.
"Well, love, if you're gonna go with me to the black diamonds, we had best be off. They look a long ways away, after all."
Hanzo grabbed his skis and walked with Tracer towards the scary slopes in the distance.