Title: Snapshots 02
Summery: My collection of Hikago drabbles on Sai and Hikaru
Rating: PG
it's enough
Hikaru thinks it's enough. It's enough to wake up first thing in the morning and see Akira's sleeping relaxed face mere inches in front of him. It's enough to watch those slender practiced hands place a Go stone on the board in a brilliant move he had not seen or anticipated, to have a Go board in almost every room of their apartment, to have old kifu books lining all the shelves, to travel to the Association together, to teach together, to play together, to play against each other, to challenge each other, to chase each other, to surpass each other, to be each other's eternal rivals.
Other people watch them and wonder how the two of them did it, the two prodigies of their ages: young, fierce, astounding, surprising, stubborn and the spearhead of the new Wave. Famous, talented, and keeping the older generation on their toes. They give Ogata nightmares varying from attending another one of their childish arguments to the day when they will topple all the ones above them. Different from Isumi and the other young pros that have come before them for years, they are not complacent, they are not willing to sit back and take the admonishments without charging forward, they are not so weak that they can't prove their reputation is worth all its glory, and they are not yet strong enough to uproot the top tiered ones. But soon they will be.
Hikaru thinks it enough to be next to Touya, to walk down that golden path with him, to have Touya stare at him back across the Goban. Most of the time Hikaru smiles, laughs, plays, proves himself in his Go and stands next to Touya.
But sometimes, rarely, Hikaru wonders if it's enough because it has to be. Because Hikaru remembers the sight of another pair of slender hands, paler than anyone else's, which was never able to hold a Go stone every time they played. He remembered the sight of another beautiful face, sometimes across the room, sometimes closer than physically possible as he woke up in the morning. He remembered walking, running, stumbling, sprinting, living with another set of gliding feet next to him, always next to him - and he had thought always would be. He remembers another's sweet smile, intense eyes, razor-sharp intelligence, soft voice, tender words and the dazzling future ahead that they had thought they had.
Sometimes he sees the previous Meijin, and in all of Hikaru's life no matter how many times that title might change hands there will only be one true 'previous' or 'ex-Meijin' in his mind, and the weary lines on his face as he waits for an undefined opponent in the middle of the night. Sometimes he reads the lost, lonely look in Touya Kouyo's eyes as he stares blankly at the single hand on the Goban, never to be answered.
Sometimes, Hikaru loves Akira never doubt that but, Hikaru wonders if it's enough simply because it has to be enough. Because the other more slender, paler pair of hands that held delicately onto an elegant fan was never coming back. That the silently gliding feet and ethereal figure settling to the floor in billowing sleeves next to him was never going to again. Because the soft, whiny, wise voice was never going to speak to him just one more time; that no matter how many people he surrounds himself with and how much he shares his thoughts, there will always be only one presence in his mind.
Sometimes Hikaru wonders if he loves Akira so much is because he can't afford not to. There's so much love in him, half of it lost, wondering where to go, and Hikaru can't let himself dwell on that too long or it might consume him. Sometimes Hikaru wonders if Akira is all there is because he is all there is left.
He tries not to draw comparisons between Akira and Sai because they were two different people and they deserved to be acknowledged as such. Sometimes, most of the time, Hikaru is content, happy, living fiercely in the moment. But sometimes he can't help aching at a particular thought or a single remembrance. Hikaru loves Akira and his current life with all his heart, with everything, everything he can give.
But if Sai ever came back, Hikaru isn't sure what he would choose.