Life One
Nagisa Kaworu is not exactly human. He tried but the result of his "reincarnation" isn't as successful as he'd hoped. The body he has is a mix of both human and angel in a world where angels do not exist. Where he should not exist. Because he does, there is a consequence. Most of his early life is spent in the hospital.
His mother, Kana, is a quiet, weak willed woman who visits every day to ply the affection onto him that she doesn't receive from her husband. He doesn't really love her, but Kaworu is fond of her nonetheless and he does his best to comfort her. She thinks his illness is her fault because she's sickly herself and nothing he says will convince her otherwise. He thinks, perhaps, that she will never understand something not being her fault.
His father, Jiro, only visits to drag his wife home for a few hours. He is an angry and cruel man. Kaworu knew this, even before he'd been born, but this couple was the only viable one close enough to his real target.
Ikari Shinji lives only one block away.
It's not until Kaworu reaches five that he's well enough to go to school. His body has finally started settling and strengthening as it bends to his own will to live. He's very small and the albinism he knew before is familiar enough that he doesn't mind the odd looks he gets from other children. Some of them look as if they think they can catch it. Some of them are just weary. But there is one boy sitting in the back of the class completely ignoring him.
Kaworu didn't meet Shinji until they were fourteen before, but he recognizes him now anyway. That dark hair, the far away look in his eyes, the gentle feel of his soul are all the same. And he's just as surprised when Kaworu introduces himself and makes friends. Shinji tries not to show how happy it makes him but Kaworu notices. Kaworu notices everything about Shinji.
When they're young, Kaworu can pretend that this is all new to him. He can play in the sand and watch clouds and dream about being a Big Boy. And in a way, he really does forget what he was once and loses himself in the here and now.
And then he sees Ikari Gendo and Yui and it all comes crushing down around him. It's not that they're unkind or that they know, but Kaworu does and that makes even talking to them awkward at best. He knows they notice because during a sleep over, he hears Yui worry over how distant he is as Gendo wonders if it's because of what he's heard about the Nagisa parents. Kaworu thinks this is a bit jarring.
They're not even in double digits before Yui is dead and the world begins to crash around Shinji. Kaworu knew it would happen but he'd forgotten in the haze of happiness. It shocks him nearly as badly as Shinji. All he can do is sit on Shinji's bed with him, holding his hand tightly as Shinji pretends he's not crying. Big Boys didn't cry and he had to be a Big Boy for Daddy.
After that, it's like watching a movie. Kaworu goes through the motions as an extra in Shinji's life, doing his best to minimize the damage he came there to witness. Gendo grows cold and distant and works too much. Shinji is quiet. Kaworu does what he can. It's not much.
At twelve, they try their first cigarettes and it's pretty horrible. They don't bother again but Kaworu keeps the image of Shinji's lips against the gold filter in his mind. He keeps a lot of images there.
They're fourteen when Kaworu catches Shinji looking at girls. Girls didn't really play into anything before that. They were too much trouble and, besides which, they had cooties. Apparently, Shinji had decided cooties didn't need to be feared anymore. Kaworu isn't sure how he feels about that.
He's even less sure about the fact that Shinji keeps staring at Rei Ayanami. She's a fully natural human this time around, but her looks are so striking that it's no wonder Shinji's looking. And Kaworu…
Kaworu is angry. He knew before, the first time, that Shinji had lingering feelings over Ayanami. But that was because of her cloned blood, her cloned connection to him. It was because Rei was at her core Yui and Shinji had been searching for his mother in every woman he knew without even realizing it. This isn't the same. Rei isn't Yui. She's not even the Rei he remembers. She's clumsy and easily flustered and so very human.
Kaworu wants to smother her with his hands.
But he doesn't. Instead, he does as he always has. He stays at Shinji's side. He watches what has to be the most awkward courtship known to man, which isn't really a courtship because neither of them really admit to any of it.
He's sick inside with emotions he barely understands. Doesn't she realize that Shinji is his? Kaworu has a claim on him not even God could contest, if there is a God. He came back to this, threw away his being whole and one with his brothers and sisters just for this chance…
When Kaworu accidently walks in on their first kiss, he can barely contain himself. He just stares at them as both rush through embarrassed explanations and back-peddling. If Rei were any less mortified than Shinji, Kaworu might have struck her right then. But he doesn't. He has enough control for that. Shinji needs someone.
He was just hoping that someone would be him.
So Kaworu gives them his best grin, the one he practiced in the mirror for Kana until it was almost natural. And Rei buys it. She looks so relieved it makes Kaworu want to beat her even more. Shinji doesn't. Not at first. For a moment, Kaworu wonders just what Shinji's seeing. If he's actually seeing him, for once. But then Shinji's shoulders sag and his lips quirk into a uneasy smile.
Kaworu avoids them both for a good week while pretending he isn't. He doesn't really understand why he's doing it, just that the sight of their hands shyly curled around one another brings back the anger full force. So he does his best not to look.
They date for a full year, which is a lifetime to a teenager. A lifetime to Kaworu. By then, he's really good at forgetting how angry he is.
He also forgot that he chose this world because he knew Shinji's life would be fraught with pain.
Kaworu often joins Shinji and Rei on walks around town. It isn't as if he wants to be at his house. His mother is sick again and his father is even more temperamental than usual. So, Kaworu walks along Shinji's side, carefully ignoring how Shinji holds Rei's hand and the soft smiles between them. He joins their conversation and they laugh as if they're all good friends. In a way, they might be, under all the resentment Kaworu hasn't been able to put aside.
It's a nice day. The sun is shining, the wind is warm, and there are happy couples and families all over the place. It gives Kaworu a bit of a balm over his feelings. He almost enjoys himself.
Kaworu pauses as he notices something in one of the windows. He lets the others go ahead. Shinji's birthday is coming up and he's been talking about that game… Kaworu checks his wallet. He's been doing odd jobs around the neighborhood lately and as he counts up the bills, he smiles. He's got enough. But he'll have to buy it some other day. There's plenty of time.
He turns to catch up with Shinji and Rei. They've gotten half way up the street, laughing with each other. Kaworu starts jogging up to meet them when he notes a large truck racing down the street. Pedestrians curse and yell out as they dodge out of the way.
Except Shinji and Rei haven't noticed.
And they're stepping out onto the street to cross.
And the truck swerves towards them.
Kaworu's heart stops. He barely realizes he's still moving. His eyes are locked onto their forms and he screams at them. Rei's head lifts. She turns to follow his voice and spots the truck. And Kaworu sees the split second as she makes a decision.
Rei shoves Shinji with every ounce of strength she has. But while he stumbles with the force, falls outside the danger radius, she doesn't have time to do the same. She's going to die.
And even as much as Kaworu hates her, he can't let that happen. He can't let Shinji lose her.
How he got there in time, Kaworu doesn't know. But Rei is thrown free and then suddenly he's on the ground, staring up into blurry faces. He doesn't feel much and at first, he doesn't quite know what's going on. But Shinji is leaned over him, wailing his name with tears rolling down his face fast and thick. Little droplets of water hit Kaworu's face. He barely feels it but he still smiles. He tells Shinji it's okay because it is now. He changed the history of this world by being there. Without the support, he would have crumbled. But Kaworu saved his support. He saved Rei.
He's still smiling as the world darkens and his body dies around him.
A/N: This is just the beginning. And probably the longest chapter of writing I've done without a single shred of dialogue XD