Take A Breath

Bruised rib, contusions, delusional, ran into traffic with intent... Lourdes looked down Nick's fragile features, his dark eyes almost staring unseeingly back at her. The doctor wouldn't tell her what was in the toxicology report, but it was obvious Nick was coming down from a bad high. Heroin was his drug of choice, but he was known to dabble. Ever since her dad had started dating Madison, trips to Nick's bedside had become a regular occurrence. It always began the same way; Nick would disappear for days at a time, only for a cop to turn up on the doorstep to inform them Nick had been found shooting up in some alleyway, or passed out in a crack den, stripped of everything from his common sense down to his shoes.

But this time, things were different, something had changed. This was the longest Nick had been away from home, driving Madison out of her mind with worry. It was like he'd disappeared off the face of the earth. The police could find no trace of him, the missing posters becoming ripped and torn as time passed, their ink running, distorting Nick's picture until it was unrecognizable, making him resemble a rotting corpse.

Wherever Lourdes went, she looked for him, searching for him the face of strangers. Despite the drugs, Nick was bizarrely non-threatening, with a gently melodious voice and distant dark eyes, cutting an eccentric figure with his romantically flowing shirts always open at the waist and home-cut hair. He gave the impression of always being lost, strangely childish, almost like he'd fallen from the pages of Peter Pan. He was as different from Alicia as night and day, Nick absentmindedly breaking the rules whilst Alicia rigidly upheld them. Lourdes felt oddly protective of him, even if he was the elder, her maternal attitude endlessly amusing Nick during his sober streaks, leading him to nickname her Mother Hen.

"Nick," one of the cops said, stepping in front of Lourdes, waving his hand in front of Nick's face, "you with us, buddy?"

Nick just smiled crookedly, his eyes crinkling up at the corners.

The cops exchanged a look over Lourdes's dark head. "Okay," the first cop said slowly, "let's start again. You were taking a walk?"

"Yes," Nick said slowly, watching the old man in the next bed, his attention wandering once more.

"You were running, Nick," Lourdes interjected, her voice cracking, remembering all over again, ran into traffic with intent.

"I'm training for a marathon, Lo," Nick said, bestowing the ghost of a wink upon her.

"Barefoot, down Needle Alley?" the second cop said incredulously.

"Kenyans run barefoot," Nick said knowledgeably.

"You said someone got hurt," the first cop said, pulling out a small notebook, "remember that?"

Nick shrugged his shoulders, Lourdes half turning away from him, his forced flippancy getting on her last nerve. He didn't seem to realise how close he was to dying every time he OD'd, walking the knife-edge every time, the darkness waiting below.

"You spoke about blood, guts and viscera," the first cop continued, reading his handwritten list of notes like a litany. "Ring a bell?"

Lourdes glanced sharply at Nick, just in time to see a shadow pass over his face, the same shadow that had touched her last night. Then it was gone, as if it never existed, Nick smiling again, that vague quirk of his lips that annoyed Lourdes so. "Runner's high, man," he drawled, winking at Lourdes again.

But she just shook her head at him, tired of his evasion, the games he always played, trying to stay one step ahead when he was really several steps behind. This time he had gone too far, crossing a line he'd never dared to before. She'd never seen him sink this low, his bloodshot gaze darting restlessly around the room, restraints pinioning his long limbs to the bed.

"Tell us where you scored, son," the second cop said quietly. "Lots of kids buyin' in that hood. We go in there, clean it up, and you come out a hero."

Nick just laughed, a strange high-pitched, almost hysterical sound.

"You could have died, Nick!" Lourdes exploded, losing her customary cool.

"Couldawouldashould've, Mother Hen," Nick reeled off, glancing over at the old man in the next bed again. "The 'rents send you here to hold my hand?" he then said, jaw ticking.

Lourdes looked away, Nick knowing his mother's tactics all too well. Lourdes was the canary down the coal mine, always sent in first to scent danger. She was the only one who could handle Nick after a bad high, suffering his erratic moodswings and bizarre behaviour. Alicia would cradle her brother's head in her lap, and clean up his vomit without a qualm, but his fragile emotional state was something she steered well clear of, as though his constant fall from grace was contagious, corrupting her own state of perfection. Lourdes was the calm before the storm, preparing the field, clearing a path for Madison so she could reach her son.

"Is my son under arrest?" Madison called over as she came through the swing doors, finally done with filling out Nick's paperwork, Travis trailing at her high heels as ever.

"No, ma'am" -

- "Well, get out then," Madison said abruptly. "Leave."

"We could charge him" -

- "Charge him when he's healed," Madison said, starting to lose her temper. "But for now, go away."

The first cop glanced over at Travis, sizing him up. "She do all the talkin'?" he fired at Travis, his misogyny making Lourdes roll her eyes.

"Get. Out," Madison said, spitting the words like bullets.

The cops exchanged glances, before turning and leaving, but not before handing Travis a card with their contact details on it. "I'm not so eloquent," Travis tried to smile, taking it. The cops just ignored him, stalking out, their elbows clipping Alicia's as she finally made her appearance, hanging back, her face a blank mask.

Madison watched them leave, before turning to face Lourdes. "What happened?" she asked urgently, falling into their usual well-worn routine, Lourdes acting as the middle-man between mother and son, Madison knowing all too well she would never get a straight answer from Nick.

"LA is not a pedestrian friendly city," Lourdes said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Don't start playing Nick's games, Lourdes," Madison said tiredly. "You're better than that."

Lourdes looked down at her hands, fighting the urge to go and smash something up. It always came down to this, the brief spark of rebellion, Lourdes always telling herself she would stop being the buffer, that she would stand apart and alone, emulating Christopher's example. But even as her anger gained strength by the day, she always wasted it on Alicia and their petty squabbles, just like she had this morning. But she was too much her father's daughter, always anxious to do the right thing, the fight fading from her, making her fold her hands in her lap, Lourdes looking up at Madison almost expectantly.

"Why the restraints?" Madison prompted gently. "Has he tried to hurt himself?"

Lourdes shook her head mutely.

"Why do you never ask me these questions yourself, Mom?" Nick flared up, making Madison turn away from him. "She's not your mouthpiece! I have a voice!"

"I'm phoning for a bed," Madison said quietly to Travis, pulling out her cell.

"Mom, don't!" Nick said, trying and failing to sit up. "I'm not going back there!"

"This is the only way we can help you, Nick," Travis said, stepping forwards, shooting Alicia a worried glance, her calm demeanour alarming him as always, knowing there was a storm brewing beneath the still surface.

"You definitely can't help me," Nick said, falling still, averting his face. "You can't do shit."

"Hey," Madison admonished. "That's enough, Nick."

"Oh, she's speaking to me now," Nick intoned to nobody in particular, "the woman who gave me life, finally acknowledges my presence" -

"Nick" - Lourdes began, seeing the danger signs when the others didn't.

"Send them away, Lo," Nick said, turning his head from side to side, the tears welling in his eyes. "Just send them away."

"I'm your sister, Nick, not her!" Alicia snapped, stepping forwards, face suddenly alive with anger.

"Just go, Lish," Lourdes said tiredly, only for Alicia to round on her.

"What, are you going to make me leave?" Alicia said dangerously. "I'd like to see you try" -

- "Calm down, Alicia," Travis interjected, only for Alicia to whirl on him.

"Back off," she spat, startling him, "this is none of your business."

"Alicia!" -

- "It isn't anything to do with him, Mom" -

- "Just go and wait in the car" -

- "No, I won't! Why should I? This is our family, not theirs."

As Travis paced the mosaicked floor, Lourdes leaned against the balcony, looking down at the world below, the sun beating down on her head. It was still early morning, and her Snoopy t-shirt was wringing with sweat, making Lourdes fervently hope her deodorant would hold out past first period. Not that it looked like she would be making it to school any time soon, not with the way everything was unravelling. Just as she thought this, Travis's cell went off, making both father and daughter jump violently.

Travis studied the screen for a moment before finally answering the call. "Liza?" he said, making Lourdes's head snap up at the mention of her mother's name.

"Did you find him?" Liza asked, no standing on ceremony.

"Yeah," Travis said, exhaling sharply, "just wanted to let you guys know."

"He okay?"

"Banged up, but he'll recover."

"The hard part comes now."

"Yeah," Travis agreed fervently, remembering the recent showdown. "You wanna speak to Lourdes?" he then asked, glancing at his daughter.

"Sure."

Travis passed the cell over, Lourdes gratefully taking it. Despite Christopher, Liza's house was an oasis of calm compared to the Clark household. The thought of fleeing there was almost unbearably appealing to Lourdes, making her wish the weekend was already here. "Hey, mamá," Lourdes said, struggling to keep her voice steady.

"You okay, bebita?" Liza asked, instantly concerned.

Lourdes hesitated, her mind a whirlpool of almost headless figures, unfinished homework, the shadow that had crossed Nick's face. "I'm holding up," she said uneasily, shifting from one foot to the other.

"You still on for the weekend?" Liza said, something in her tone instantly setting Lourdes on edge.

"I always am, Mom," Lourdes said, lapsing back into English upon addressing Liza, "you know that."

Liza sighed heavily, her silence more telling than words.

"It's Chris, isn't it?" Lourdes exploded, making Travis whirl around. "He's kicking off again" -

- "I don't want to go, Lourdes," Christopher bellowed in the background, making Lourdes realise Liza had her on speakerphone.

"It's your dad's weekend," Liza argued with him.

"I don't want to go" -

- "You have to stop doing this, Chris," Lourdes bellowed down the line. "You're just acting like a brat" -

- "Let me talk to him," Travis said, reaching for the cell.

"I don't want to talk to him!" Christopher yelled, the screech of his chair making Lourdes wince.

"He doesn't want to talk to you," Lourdes repeated to Travis, making him uncharacteristically lose his cool, startling her by kicking a pillar.

"When does he!?" Travis snapped. "Tell me that, Lo, when was the last time my son actually spoke to me, his own father!?"

Lourdes turned away from him, shades of Madison and Nick entering stage left. If she wasn't their middle-man, she was her family's, trying and failing to broker deals between the factions. "Chris, don't do this," she pleaded, knowing he was now on the line, his harsh breathing giving him away.

"I don't want to go," Christopher tried to say reasonably, Lourdes's influence over him making itself felt against his will, "I have a say in this" -

- "Don't start the law speak" -

- "I'm seeing Dante this Saturday," Christopher almost whined, "and I don't want to spend the weekend in a hospital" -

- "Chris" -

- "Fine, force me," Christopher said, warming to his theme, "tell me what tortures Dad has planned for this weekend, Lourdes. I can just envision us bonding by the bedside of that drug addled idiot, drinking lukewarm coffee from the machine together, one of the nurses lending us a dime towards a refill, Dad quoting extensively from The Scarlet Plague" -

- "I just want us to be a family again, Chris," Lourdes said, cutting across him, the tears springing to her eyes. "But you keep blocking Dad at every turn" -

- "How can we be a family when she's there, with them?" Christopher hissed.

At this, Lourdes cut the call off, unable to take anymore. Without a word, she handed the cell to Travis, before going back over to the balcony, feeling the full weight of her father's worried stare.

"I've got college counselling today," Madison said, rumpling up her blonde hair in agitation, "and the kids have application forms that I said I'd go over with them" -

- "Well, go," Travis said, "take the kids to school, I'll stay here with Nick" -

- "But I've got to find a facility where's he's not already blacklisted," Madison said, glancing over at Alicia, who'd returned back to being brittle and distant again, curled up in a chair, texting God knew who, her head moving with cool precision in time to the erratic beat emanating from her head-phones.

"I'll do that," Travis said, "Stacey can sub me, it's not like I'm teaching a full classroom, not with this flu outbreak" -

- "I just can't leave Nick like this," Madison said, her voice cracking.

"Leave him with me."

Madison stared tearfully at Travis, her mouth trembling, making Lourdes turn away, even though it was infinitely preferable to how Madison usually looked at Travis, like he was some ageing Adonis. With his craggy face and middle-aged spread, Travis was no dreamboat. But Madison acted like he was every woman's oestrogen-fuelled fantasy rolled into one package, jumping his bones at every chance she got.

"I'll stay with him," Travis pressed, taking Madison's hands in his.

"I'm sorry, babe," Madison apologised, even as she uncharacteristically capitulated.

"What for?"

For addressing you like you're a prime piece of pork, a fine slice of swine, Lourdes thought sarcastically, glancing through the glass at Nick, who was staring up at the ceiling.

"Because you didn't sign up for this," Madison said impatiently.

"I did" -

- "No, you didn't" -

- "I signed up for precisely this" -

- "No-you-did-not!" -

- "I did when I fell in love with you," Travis said, silencing Madison. "And I'm doing this because I love you" -

- "Don't - don't get sentimental," Madison snapped, before wincing, regretting her words.

Travis looked at her, brow furrowing slightly. "Did you just throw up in your mouth a little?" he said, making Madison smile despite herself.

"Yeah," she admitted, Travis smiling now as well, drawing her to him, her arms going up around his neck. At the sight of them enjoying the umpteenth passionate embrace of the morning, Lourdes escaped into Nick's room, wanting to see how he was before she left, whether he'd calmed down enough for her to leave without fretting he was going to freak out again after she was gone.

He glanced up as she came in, his dark gaze struggling to focus on her, making him frown with the effort. "Mother Hen," he said, trying and failing to sit up, "your feathers look ever so slightly ruffled."

"Christopher," she said simply, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"That lil tyke," Nick said, shaking his head ruefully. "Needs a good spanking if you ask me."

Lourdes smiled slightly at this, only for it to fade in the face of Nick's self-inflicted suffering. "Why do you do this to yourself?" she asked quietly, smoothing the badly cut hair back from his brow.

"Because I can," Nick said smartly.

Lourdes looked away, exhaling sharply. "How are you now?" she said lightly, feigning flippancy.

"Same old, same old," Nick said, rolling his eyes, "orange Jello, some nightmares, green Jello, some more nightmares" -

- "Nightmares?"

"Yeah, nightmares, Lo," Nick said, "dark dreams, the vomit of reality."

"About what you seen?" Lourdes pressed, curious. "Or what you thought you seen?" she hastily amended, remembering what the cop had said about blood, guts and viscera, his words implying Nick had taken a really bad trip, hallucinating himself almost into insanity.

"I'm not insane, Lourdes," Nick said with sudden clarity, reading her thoughts like a book. "Far from it."

"What, it was real?"

Nick nodded.

"But what exactly was it that you saw, Nick?" Lourdes said, confused now.

"Untie me, and I'll tell you," Nick said, holding his arm out to her.

"I can't" -

- "What, you think I'm dangerous" -

- "No, I don't," Lourdes flared up, "but you ran into traffic, Nick" -

- "I was running from, not to," Nick corrected her.

"From what though?"

Silence.

"A - a girl," Nick then said with some difficulty, "Gloria - um - she was my friend, y'know, and she... Jesus Christ..." - He pressed the back of his head against the pillows, staring at Lourdes, the pain in his eyes instantly making her reach out to him, Nick grabbing her hand, holding onto it for dear life, almost hurting her. "Okay, you buy on the corner," he said in a rush, "and you can shoot at the church - it's a - a junkie commune - Glo - well, she was with me when - when I scored, and yeah, she - she was with me when I nodded - she was there - she was beside me but then..."

Lourdes waited, Nick struggling to get the words out.

"Everyone was dead," he said, making her heart stop in her chest, "there was blood and it was all over her mouth - then she came at me" - His voice gave out again, his mouth trembling, his jaw working.

"What did she do?" Lourdes whispered, waiting for the world to turn upside down, only to realise it already was.

"Sh - sh - she was eating," Nick said, almost irrationally enjoying the agony, purging himself by confessing to Lourdes, "she was eating them, and she was going to eat me."

If I got to go first
I'll do it on my terms
I'm tired of traitors always changing sides
They were friends of mine…