That evening, Kathryn found herself wandering the halls. Stopping, in habit at her fist officer's door and ringing the door chime.
A moment later his voice beckoned. "Come in."
The door slid open and she stepped into the darkened quarters. The blackness hid his huddled form, only the stars speeding by his windows provided any light.
"Lights, Dim." His voice was a whisper. She saw him.
Chakotay was at the glass table he often found useful as a desk. His hands lay quietly in his lap, and the remnants of tears were still drying slowly on his tanned skin. As her eyes adjusted to the low lighting, Kathryn moved forward cautiously, growing worried. She kneeled at his side and extended her left hand in compassion. She lifted his chin with a single finger, softly nudging his head. His flooded eyes met hers.
"What...what happened, Chakotay?" Her hand left his chin. She let her fingers ghost across his cheek, brushing his skin in a gentle caress. On its descent, her hand stopped at the padded shoulder of his uniform, sending warmth through the material.
"What has made you restless enough that you are up at this hour? Why are you crying?"
His eyes lowered to where her pale, smooth hands now covered his own roughened palms.
"My life, Kathryn. It hasn't got a point anymore. I realized that after you asked me that question earlier today. I feel like there's no hope. Sure, I'm there for the crew, I'm there for you, but I'm lonely. What I do every day has become routine...I've become a shell of…" Chakotay cut his own sentence short as his voice started to become unsteady. She thought he wasn't making the best of sense, but he was a mess. He'd let this build up inside for far too long. But she'd been more distant these last few months, she supposed, so perhaps she hadn't been receptive to his needs like she should have.
He cleared his throat to ward away quaver in his deep-timbered voice. Kathryn lifted up on her knees and embraced her friend in a tight hug, her finger tips just barely touching across his shoulders. She smelled him, clean, and earthy as she spoke into his ear.
Her voice was a steady whisper, supportive. Her warm words surrounded him, puffs of breath hitting his ear just so, making him shiver. "No Chakotay, your life isn't pointless. You live every day with over one-hundred and forty lives, all in your hands. You guide me through, and you protect me. You know as well as I do, nothing out here is ever routine. Tell me how your life could be any more pointless than mine is. Tell me how this crew could carry on any better without you than they could get home without a warp drive. Tell me how I could make it through every day without you standing by my side."
He suddenly broke the comforting embrace they shared. Your life isn't pointless! Her eyes stayed steady with his, startled by the sudden loss of warmth. Her eyes shimmered in the dim lighting. Her first falling tear glimmered as if flowed down her porcelain cheek and became lost in the corner of her mouth. The silence between them ripped through her heart and the breath caught in her throat. Kathryn wiped her hands over her face to catch the rest of the tears before they had a chance to fall.
"I need you." Her voice faded to a weak whisper as she realized what she was admitting.
Chakotay opened his mouth to speak, but stood instead. He walked over to the viewport, and froze beside the couch. Kathryn stayed perched on her knees with a helpless expression for a few moments. When he turned back to look at her she rose. Kathryn walked in small steady steps towards Chakotay until she was only centimeters from him.
"We need you. Your guidance, your strength, it is what drives this crew." She was about to continue her plea when Chakotay interrupted her.
"What about you? It's difficult to sleep when I know my Captain is exhausted on the bridge, going the entire day without food, and doping up on caffeine. I mean, gods Kathryn, you fainted into my arms today!"
His outburst startled her. She didn't expect his frustration to rear its head again and target her. She stepped back cautiously, steeling her shoulders and straightening her spine for the onslaught as he continued to criticize her. She backed into a chair, her mouth dropped open.
"Chakotay..."
"No, Kathryn, it isn't different. You're killing yourself. Slow suicide! You refuse help for whatever is going on, from all of us. Even Tuvok has confessed he's starting to worry about you in some weird Vulcan way."
She flinched.
"You're right, I'm here to protect you, but you won't let me! You won't even let me in anymore. You're just the Captain, Kathryn's hiding away. A few months ago, you were too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too passionate to permit the presence of trouble, but now...Kathryn, now..."
"So were you!"
He lowered his head to observe her fidgeting hands, her knuckles white as she pulled at the fingers and wringed her wrists. She looked up when he didn't respond and followed his gaze to her hands. She abruptly brought the offending appendages straight to her sides.
"Kathryn, you're jittery every day on the bridge." Chakotay looked over the Captain's figure. Every inch was ridged with exhaustion. She shifted her weight to one leg and glued her eyes to the passing stars behind her first officer. She was unsuccessful; he caught her gaze and held it.
"I went to the Doctor this morning to ask about you, to see if all of this was just my imagination. Eventually he told me that in the last month alone, your headaches have increased, you've lost...what is it now, twelve pounds? Not like you had any to lose anyways…"
He looked at the dark smudges beneath her eyes and the deepening hollows of her cheeks.
"And you've even started experiencing space sickness. Don't think I haven't noticed. Everyone is starting to see it. What's happening?" His voice rose as he came closer.
"Chakotay, I can take care of myself."
"Can you, Kathryn, really?" He was almost nose to nose with her. He put a firm hand on her right shoulder.
"You say you worry about why I'm up this late, why are you walking the ship?!" He gave her no time to answer. "For God's sake Kathryn, you've been detaching yourself from our crew. Harry asked me this morning if you were sick, I couldn't even think of a way to answer the poor man." His hand squeezed her shoulder, finger digging, finding no give and only bone.
She grimaced when he let go a moment later.
Chakotay walked to his replicator and punched in a five-digit code.
She stood leaning on the chair, motionless, gathering herself, reviewing the last few minutes in her mind. She watched his stiff movement, almost mechanical gestures, the clenched right fist at his side.
He walked toward her, expressionless, the usual lift in his step gone. Chakotay shoved the plate of food in his hands aggressively towards her. She fumbled with the plate, confused. The smell of the cream-covered chicken diffused into the air around her and she imagined how easy it would be to just throw the plate and its horrid smell onto the floor and stomp out of the repressive quarters. That wouldn't be very captainly, nor fair to Chakotay.
"You were on the bridge all day today. You never ate. Now is a better time than any." He crossed his arms and stared into her crystal blue eyes.
"Chakotay, I already ate in my quarters." Her whisper was barely audible.
"What did you eat? Emergency rations? There isn't anything in the replicator logs." She looked up from the plate of food at him in utter surprise.
"Are you checking up on me Chakotay!? That's an invasion of privacy and bordering on insubordination!"
"You're avoiding the point Kathryn."
"Chakotay, there isn't a point! I wanted to know what you thought of the anomaly five light years away. I'm sorry if I disturbed you!" She balanced the plate on the arm of the chair and walked swiftly to the door, slipping through as soon as it was wide enough for her to fit. She circled back into Chakotay's quarters and kept her eyes down as she approached the glass table and grabbed the padd she had brought in with her earlier.
The plate on the chair tipped over as Chakotay ran for the closing door. When he rounded the corner in the corridor Kathryn was already halfway to the turbolift. He sped towards her. When he put his hands on her shoulders she started and swung around angrily. He saw tears starting down the sides of her face again, uninhibited in her frustration and…what was it, sadness? Hopelessness? She reflected all his negative energy back to him. He wondered now, whether he's done the pushing away, or if she had. Or if both were responsible for this sorry state of affairs.
"Leave me alone Chakotay! I need to go to my quarters." She paused and took a deep, shaky breath. "I'll see you on the bridge at 07:00."
Her voice pierced his heart, colder than ice, despite her disheveled, teary appearance. He watched as she hastily boarded the turbolift, unaware in her rage or sorrow, or emotional overload that she was being foolish (in more ways than one).
Dare I say, that her quarters aren't on any other deck.
Chakotay stood for a moment and waited, but the 'lift didn't return, so he slowly shuffled to his quarters.