RUKIA

I woke up feeling numb. I couldn't really think of anything. At the same time my heart and brain were in complete disconnection. I knew Renji and Ichigo were really dead. I accepted it completely. Yet, at the same time I had a feeling that I haven't actually accepted it yet at all. Even when brother woke up and told me to dress in formalwear for Renji's send off, it just didn't seem real. I was torn apart, but I wasn't sad. I just couldn't cry.

I woke before brother did so I used my free time wisely. He couldn't honestly expect me to stay under his watch until I have fully recovered, and I do require privacy and personal space.

I couldn't help but be more stunned as the minutes passed by. He never really spoke to me or even seemed to care all that much for me, but last night he was surprisingly kind and talkative. At the back of my mind I felt the wall I created to shield myself from sadness start to fissure. He wouldn't have acted as such had Renji and Ichigo still been alive. It was just more proof that it truly happened. Perhaps it was because I never saw their bodies that I couldn't be sure that they were dead.

I collected my necessities from brother's bathroom and silently made my way out of his room back to my own. It was quieter than usual. Usually the servants were running around the compound doing their daily chores, but today the main house seemed absolutely silent. I found my formal uniform next to my wedding kimono in my closet, and still, the tears but wouldn't come. Even though I was bursting with sadness.

By the time I was washed and dressed, relieved of my bandages and freshened up, brother was already awake and visibly annoyed.

"I told you to stay in bed. You were told to stay in bed and rest, do you not want to recover swiftly?" He asked me, narrowing his eyes accusingly.

"I know my body better than anyone else does, and I'm telling you that I will be fine until Renji's funeral ceremony is over. Then I will go back to bed. I'm not injured you know, its just a little bit of bleeding." I told him and walked past him into the dining hall. A little voice in the back of my mind screamed at me for talking back to him, but at the moment, any and all survival instincts seemed to have vanished from me, leaving me as an iced shell.

He followed my silently and sat at the head of the table. He didn't look pleased but he didn't look angry.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me once our meals were placed in front of us and the servants were gone.

"I don't feel anything at all. Isn't that strange?" I asked him, but kept my eyes on my food. Sadly, he had notified the kitchens about my new diet and while he had a lavish breakfast, I was faced with porridge.

"Everyone grieves differently. I couldn't cry when Hisana passed on either. I thought that perhaps it was because I had already cried a lifetime's worth of tears already." He told me and I could have choked on the porridge that I had barely swallowed. Brother cried all his tears? No one ever talked about him being a cry baby when he was younger. And how could he not have cried after my sister's death?

"The truest tears a person can shed are the one's that no one can see." He told me, as if to answer my silent musings. He really did think in strange ways. I once heard that tears were the embodiment of emotions that the body couldn't express, like extreme sadness or happiness. And brother says that true tears are invisible? I frowned while we ate, but eventually I decided that he wouldn't have said something so personal if he wasn't trying to open up to me or comfort me in his own way. But what do you say to something like that? Thank you? I'm sorry?

"I hope that you never have to suffer like that again then. The next time you cry, hopefully it will be out of happiness." I told him and waited for him to finish his meal. He truly looked shocked that I had said anything at all. Just being near him was making me all kinds of intimidated and embarrassed, and he was trying to be nice. It wasn't anything he did to make him seem that way, it was just the type of feeling he was surrounded in.

"Abarai's funeral shall be in less than two hours, will you take a seat alongside the captains, or as the widower?" He asked me. Widower? Such a strange term. I didn't want to be seated among too many people and at least if I took the widowers seat, next to brother, Renji's captain, I won't feel so uncomfortable.

"I will sit next to you." I told him as my answer. We were both to me seated in the front row anyway, but at least if I took the widowers seat instead of the thirteenth captains' seat I wouldn't need to sit next to captain Kurotsuchi. Brother nodded and told me he wanted to show me the memorial hall.

The memorial hall was a large room in the house that held the pictures of all the deceased family members of the main house.

"While we cannot allow Abarai's final resting place to be among our family, he was still your husband and if you should feel the need to express your thoughts or feelings, I have sent up an altar for him. No one is allowed in this room apart from us and the butler." He told me, and as my eyes passed a happy picture of Renji, my eyes were immediately drawn to the picture of Hisana. It was like looking into a mirror. I felt cautious of brother's eyes lingering on me, but I really wanted to take a closer look at her picture. It wasn't obvious at first glance, but her eyes were dark blue without the streaks of violet in them that mine had.

"Our eyes are different colours." I told him and he frowned. It occurred to me as he looked closely at her picture and then came to look at me more closely that before now, even he hadn't noticed the difference.

"I never noticed it before, its difficult to say whose eyes are more attractive though." He told me and walked outside of the room waiting for me.

"Thank you for allowing me hear, brother." I told him and he nodded softly, beckoning me to leave the room with him.

"Do you have a speech prepared for the ceremony?" He asked me and I froze midstep. What speech? Oh yes, that's right. I was supposed to have a speech written about memories I had with Renji. Who would have remembered to do such a thing after everything that has happened not more than a few hours ago?

"I will take your silence as a 'no' then. You don't have to make a speech if you don't want to, I am leading the ceremony and even though it is tradition, I will not put you though the unnecessary stress of the ordeal if you choose not to speak." He told me and continued down the hall until we reached his room. I was about to turn and leave for my own room until he grabbed my arm.

"And where," He said as he slid the door to his room open. "Do you think that you are going?" He asked with a delicately raised eyebrow.

"To my room?" I offered at the annoyed look on his face.

"I do believe that I made myself clear when I told you to be within my sight until you are well. You may stay in my room. I have ordered the servants to move all of your belongings back to your old room and to seal up your room until you are ready to sort it out personally." He told me and gently pulled me into his room. I sighed heavily. Perhaps it was better when he didn't care enough about me to give me a second glace. He closed his door behind us and opened the doors to his private garden.

"I will make a speech." I told him and he looked up from his calligraphy. "I haven't written anything or practiced anything, but the purpose is supposed to be sharing our memories, right? I would prefer to speak on the moment. Also, I need to go back to my room before we leave anyway because there are certain things that he would want to be buried with." I told him and looked him dead in the eye before he sighed and looked down at his ikebana.

"Very well, we can do so together before we leave." He told me and went back to snipping the blossom branch we were working on.

"I want to do it alone, its personal, and besides that, I don't know when everything is and I may need to look around a bit. Unless you want us to be late for the ceremony?" I asked him with a slightly sarcastic smile. He narrowed his eyes at me again, I could almost feel the gears in his brain working. I knew I should never speak back to him or treat him with anything less than the utmost respect. The head of the family was to be pleased at all times, and what he says goes, you just have to adapt and fulfil his whims. Surprisingly, he nodded and told me that he understood, but that I was to meet him in his room when I was done so that we could leave together. I bowed to him and left his room silently.

My room didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would, but just thinking of the speech I had to do chipped away at the wall hiding my sadness just a little bit more. It was easy not to feel sad when I though of the loss and emptiness, what really hurt was when I thought of the happiness we once had. How far we had come together. From rags and huts to silks and castles. I felt Renji's night kimono between my fingers. Smooth, cool red satin.

I gulped down the knot in my throat and continued looking for items he may have wanted. His goggles from his academy days, photos of all our friends, and other small possessions that I wished he would keep with him in the next life. I also wrote him a private message that I wanted to send him off with.

When I was finally ready I made my way to my brothers' room. He was dressed in the formal funeral kimonos used by all of the captains, with a few noble accessories here and there. He looked at the black box with an artificial lily flower attached to the white centre ribbon.

"Are you ready? We should leave now, we would draw less attention to ourselves if we arrive early." He told me. I couldn't disagree less. The Seireitei Women's Association would probably want to come up to me and wish me condolences. Which was what I wanted to avoid. They are gone and it hurts, but being reminded of it every single time someone asks you if you are alright or says that they are sorry for your loss just feels like they are all taking a stab at a fresh wound.

Brother held me tightly to him as he flash stepped towards the ceremony sight.

BYAKUYA

She was doing remarkably well for someone in her position. I was aware of the fact that if we were early that people might approach her. At first, she tried to smile and thank them and assure then that she was alright, eventually however, her smile dropped and she began to look wary. After preparations were prepared and the speakers were ready and accounted for, I took my seat next to her to wait for the last few people to arrive. She sighed in relief when people who were approaching her quickly ran to their seats, probably intimidated by my presence.

She however seemed bolder since she hugged me last night. She seemed tense during our morning meal, but she still spoke her mind and became more confident as the morning progressed. I marvelled at how strong she was. Losing a loved one is never easy for those who remain, however all she cared for are gone and she is the only one who remains, that is inexplicitly more painful.

The ceremony began and I opened it with an introduction and I spoke to the audience about Abarai's diligence and determination in the office and on the battle field.

"He will be sorely missed, finding a lieutenant of his calibre would be close to impossible, he surely set the calibre for the sixth divisions standards high, and to honour him we will keep things that way." I told them as I ended my speech and called on the next speaker, his previous captain Kenpachi Zaraki. I took my seat next to Rukia and she gave me a genuine smile, even if it was small and short lived.

"Thank you." She said softly and I nodded inconspicuously letting her know I heard her. Zaraki spoke about how proud he was having taught Renji all he knew. I had to resist the urge to rebuke him. While it was true that Renji started off in the fifth division under Aizen and then transferred to the eleventh division under Zaraki, it was me who taught him what he needed to develop his bankai.

There were other speakers as well, the captain general Shunsui about his ethic, Yumichika third seat of the eleventh division and Ikkaku lieutenant of the eleventh division about his friendship and fighting skills, Rangiku lieutenant of the tenth division about him being her drinking partner, Izaru lieutenant of the third division, Momo lieutenant of the fifth division and Shuhei lieutenant of the ninth division about their time at the Soul Reaper Academy together, and finally it was Rukia's turn.

She inhaled deeply before hiding her discomfort and hurt behind her mask of indifference. She walked to the podium and began her speech.

"You don't know how happy it makes me to hear all the stories you have told about Renji and about all of the best characteristics he had. He has been my best friend, my brother since the days of our childhood over a century ago in district seventy-eight, Hanging Dog.

We met during a dispute at the market place where he and three other friends of ours were running away from a violent merchant. They were being chased into a dead end and I noticed that the merchant was wearing a knife. It wasn't uncommon for people to abuse or even kill children in the streets, so when I entered the ally I tripped the man allowing them to escape. Renji insisted that I join their group because it was easier for young children to survive if we stuck together and worked as a team.

What most people don't know about him is that Renji was actually sent to district seventy-eight along with his older brother. They were killed in an accident in the rice fields in the world of the living and passed on together. He said that he didn't have a family name since he and his brother were brought up apart from their parents. Sadly, soon after they first arrived, his brother was caught and killed for trying to steal food for the both of them. That is why Renji chose the name 'Abarai' for his family name, it was the name of his elder brother." She said and took a few calming breathes before continuing. Both I and anyone who couldn't mask their surprise as well as I, were shocked at the revelation. I had never thought much about his name, since most people in the Seireitei and the nobility have family names.

"We always had problems but as long as we had each other none of them seemed so terrible. I would enjoy teasing Renji because he, well anyone who knew him knew that he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed." She said and smiled when many people in the audience laughed.

"Renji was always afraid of climbing trees and he never was really good at concentrating his spiritual pressure into focal points. I remember how humiliating it was for all of use when I had to teach the four boys how to fish in a lake, they stormed through the shallow lake and disturbed the resident fish. He thought he was so cool trying to use a spear to catch the fish when each and every time they swam free, once he even stabbing his own foot by accident.

Something strange happened once when we were fishing. Many white flowers floated along the river, they were incredibly beautiful but as soon as I picked out up and took interest in something girly, Renji saw it as a prime opportunity to try and put flowers in my hair. By the end of the day we went hungry but the laughter was worth it, that and Renji's lack of hair. I smelt like flowers for weeks after that day no matter how hard I scrubbed myself and Renji's tuffs of lost hair finally started growing back." She smiled at the memories. I didn't. It's impossible to say for sure, but at Hisana's funeral I and everyone who attended her funeral each sent a flower adrift with our wishes for her with them.

"Renji was always incredible brave. One day we all set off for the forests to see if we could find any fruit baring trees, we never stole if we didn't have to, so when we found a few trees that bore different fruits we thought we saved our hides from horrid deaths at the market. We were so absorbed in our endeavours of harvesting fruit that we didn't notice a hollow that was approaching us.

Since I was the best tree climber in our group, I was sent up to get the tree fruits. When the hollow emerged and came at us, none of my friends would leave until I was safely down from the tree I had climbed. I begged them all to run but they refused to leave their little sister behind. Renji gathered the courage to climb the tree high enough to help me down, I was petrified and unable to move.

While he was getting me down from the tree, out three other friends tried to distract the hollow and draw it away from us. The hollow brutally killed them, not even bothering to eat them, because it was Renji and I that it was after because our spiritual pressure led it out that far. We both understood now why those sinfully wonderful fruit trees had grown so large and so well. Everyone else probably knew the dangers of the forest that we did not.

We managed to run away to safety and we were distantly aware of Shinigami that dispatched the hollow. We still went back for our friends' bodies that same night, though we didn't touch the fruit. I was tired and sore from our experience but Renji told me to sleep while he found a good place to lay our friends to rest.

When I woke up on the hill overlooking the seventy-eighth district, I saw three large mounds on the top of the hill. Renji had fallen asleep beside me some time while I slept, but he was full of scratches and cuts and he was covered head to toe in dirt. While I slept, he dug three graves and buried our three friends by himself. He didn't want me to have to see what was left of them, or dirty my own hands like he had.

He told me that he decided on the hill because no matter how ugly the district we lived in was, they would always be able to see the most beautiful sunsets, sunrises and star showers. Renji was incredibly caring and considerate of others even if he tried not to show it when he got older." She told us. It was incredibly difficult for me to hear about everything they had to endure when they were young. It was even harder for me to accept that both Renji and those other three boys were all better brothers to her than I have been over the years.

"We swore to each other over our friends' graves that we would become soul reapers, that we wouldn't struggle anymore, that we wouldn't ever let our friends die like that ever again, and that we would always stay together.

We entered the Soul Reaper Academy together and because I was afraid that Renji was too dumb to pass the entrance exam, I switched our test papers around. He ended up becoming a student in the advanced class, and I ended up just barely passing and was put in one of the less than impressive classes." She said and while a few of the audience laughed at her mischievousness, I held my hand other my face and shook my head at her. She looked at me and smiled. She knew I held rules and the law close to my chest but here she openly admits to cheating!

"We grew apart over the months as we didn't spend as much time together anymore, and while he made new friends, particularly Izaru and Momo, I secluded myself more and focused more on my studies. I started developing more complex feelings for Renji during those months. And he tried to show off more than usual whenever we had time to catch up on what we have been doing since last seeing each other." She said and looked at me briefly before smiling sadly.

"Then one day I was called to an empty hall by the head of the academy, he said that I had a visitor. That was when I first met my brother, Byakuya Kuchiki. He offered me a place in his family. I actually originally declined his request." She smiled wistfully before continuing.

"I didn't want to be separated from Renji, especially because of my blossoming feelings towards him, but brother told me to think about his offer and that he would return in a weeks' time to receive my final answer. I didn't intend to change my answer to him, but his offer kept running through my mind. I decided that I would decide brothers offer if Renji asked me to stay with him, that if he felt the same way for mw as I felt for him.

Renji being the idiot he was told me that he wished me the best, he told me how lucky I was, he broke my heart into a million pieces. It seemed that he changed completely. His achievements going to his head and success being all that he cared about anymore. His blatant disregard for my feelings made me turn away from him, and I accepted my brothers offer, to be adopted into his family as his younger sister.

I developed many puppy love crushes along the years since then, but what Renji didn't tell me was that he wanted me to stay, he just couldn't tell me to stay with him when he believed I would be happier elsewhere. He told me during him proposal to me six months ago, that ever since I left the academy he kept training harder and harder, he wanted to try and become someone worthy of the 'Kuchiki princess'." She cringed and sighed. So that was what made her accept my offer. I felt angered and humiliated for her to say that I was her second choice, her fall back choice if Abarai rejected her.

"During the beginning of the war when Ichigo Kurosaki and Renji battled my brother, Renji told me that if her managed to defeat my brother in battle he would ask to marry on top of demanding my freedom. Things didn't work out for him however. Brother beat him senseless!" She said and the entire audience burst into laughter. I could feel the heat rushing to my face as fellow captains' eyes were trained on me.

"He said that after his fights with Ichigo and brother that he almost gave up on me again. He knew he wouldn't ever be able to beat either of them in battle and seeing how close I was to Ichigo, he decided to try and rekindle our friendship instead.

And when we were together again it was as if the forty years apart didn't even happen. Really nothing changed other than his funny eyebrows." She said and snickered along with the audience.

"I heard that the real reasoning behind the tattoos he had in the beginning was that during kido practice, a hado burnt them off. He looked weirder without eyebrows so he had some tattooed on and decided that he liked tattoos and over the years he had the pattern of his zanpakuto, Zabimaru tattooed across his body.

Eventually we all grew closer together and he decided on trying to win me back a third time, this time all or nothing. My feelings also returned over time and when he proposed to me I accepted after some more thought.

On our wedding day brother walked me down the isle and Ichigo was his best man, although he insisted that he and Renji were supposed to swap spots, which led to the fight and the destruction of my wedding cake. Eventually I told them to marry each other. Later that night we made up and we were married at the after party instead. Hey, at least it was an original wedding!" She joked and I couldn't help the small twitches of my lips trying to smile at the memory. I was so happy that I wouldn't have to marry her away, but later finding her crying and alone, I felt guilty and decided to get them together in the same room to work out their differences.

"These last six months together felt like a dream, they passed so quickly that I can't even remember the simplest things that I swore before that I would never forget. Still, I can never forget Renji. He was the best friend, brother, and husband a woman could have, and in time I know he would've been an excellent father as well." She said and a silent tear discretely fell from her eye as she stepped away from the podium and came back to her seat next to me.

I squeezed her arm for support and finished off the ceremony. Once we returned home she said she wanted to have a long bath. The servants told us that her old room, the room next to my own was not prepared for her. She nodded and I let her got on the promise that she will return back to me after her bath and before dinner, she also insisted on having normal food instead of the soup that the cook had been brewing for her the entire day. I sighed at her stubbornness. She could have her way if the check up with Isane goes well after her bath.

About an hour later Isane came to look over her recovery and determined that she should be fine to eat normal foods again, and that I could be more lenient with her. After out diner we retired back to my room, only she insisted that she should sleep in her own room and that if I wanted to check on her that it wasn't far, reluctantly I agreed.

Now she sat before me with an English board game called Scrabble and taught me the rules of the game. It wasn't interesting until I won the first game. Then we played a second game, which she won after using a few of the words I had used in my previous game. We played many games that she had brought over from the world of the living until she became tired. She packed up her games and took them back to her old room with her when she left.

I decided to keep my ikebana for another day, and I was too tired to practice calligraphy with any grace, so I decided on going out into my private gardens for a walk. I had much to think about and many things to decide on for our future. The elders had been pestering me over the last few months about having an heir. That is impossible for me to do at this present time. And they even threatened to over throw me and exile Rukia if I failed to uphold my duties. Of course, it was all talk, even though they weren't weak, they weren't nearly a match for either of us in battle and a civil dispute would entitle me to exile them instead. They constantly attempt to belittle me or manipulate my decisions. I'm worried that Rukia's fragile state would be exploited and she might be used against me somehow.

On my way back to my room I stopped to check in on Rukia. I thought she was asleep at first until I moved to walk away and heard her sniffle softly. She probably wanted to get away from me so that she wouldn't have to cry in front of me. I thought about intruding on her personal space and trying to comfort her but the mere though of not knowing I might comfort her at all sent me away to my own room.