Touch

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Akihiko's lips touched Hiroki's so swiftly that the other boy was too dazed to react. Furiously, Akihiko grappled with the urge to let his tongue into Hiroki's mouth.

He's always doing this, making me want to lose control. And he doesn't even realize. So I've got to be quick now. He knew there wasn't much time before Hiroki pulled away, and he wanted to memorize the feeling. Hiroki tasted…like nothing I've tasted before. I can't compare this taste to anything. He tastes like Hiroki.

He could feel Hiroki's hot emotion in his own mouth, thick and flowing. His cheeks were tickled by wet eyelashes and his lips by gasping breaths. I hope this does cheer him up, he thought wildly. I can't see him like this. I'll never be able to see him straight like this. I'll do strange things to him that he doesn't even know about now.

It was over in two seconds flat. Hiroki was spluttering incoherently as he leaned away, tears still staining his cheeks, eyes shining like two suns. 'Wha—w—what was—'

'You didn't seem to be listening to what I had to say', said Akihiko with a calm he didn't feel. Calm…I'm so calm. He always makes me feel so calm, even though I know my insides are all worked up. 'So that's a little charm to cheer you up. The boy next door in England taught it to me.' Hiroki didn't seem to be listening much even now; he was half-glaring, half gaping at Akihiko, who ordered his mind to stay still and looked back with cool composure.

It's funny how I don't even mind talking about Edward like this. For the first time, he was thankful for what had happened with the 'boy next door'. A man wanted to taste me, that's all…he taught me how to taste others, too. I tasted Hiroki like a man.

Tears had pearled and spilled down Hiroki's cheeks, clinging to his eyelashes, slanting into his mouth.

Our tunnel of green dissolved into a tunnel of fire. Orange and red and pink and brown. And you were standing in the center of it all, looking like that. I really couldn't help myself.

My thoughts are getting a little jumbled up. Akihiko shook his head in an effort to clear it. 'Are you going to listen to me now or not?'

Hiroki nodded numbly.

'If you want to quit only because you're stressed, learn to deal with it. You don't want to quit anything, but you want time to yourself too—that's just immature. One way or the other, you're going to have to make a sacrifice.'

Hiroki was looking at him like none of it had gone past his ears. 'Hiroki?'

'Nothing', said Hiroki jerkily, finally remembering to wipe his face. His sleeve left some of the tear stains untouched. 'Thanks for the advice. I'll follow it. Though I didn't get most of what you were saying.'

I'm not apologizing for what I did, but…frowning, Akihiko tried to read Hiroki's expression; Hiroki squirmed and blushed under the scrutiny. You're not mad? No, you're not…just in shock.

'Good', said Akihiko, but he'd forgotten what he was replying to. 'It's a little late now, the sun's going to set, so I'll walk you home then.'

'Ok', said Hiroki, voice higher than usual and trembling. They began making their way out of the clearing, which was now turning darker, the fiery hues seeming to melt in their own inferno. The tunnel of fire is soon going to become a tunnel of ice. Silently, Akihiko marveled at the place he—they—had discovered. We saw only the green, but there are so many sides to it. And it's all ours.

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It was a couple of hundred yards ahead that Hiroki sneezed. Akihiko observed the breath clouds pooling in front of his friend, fascinated. It had become really cold without their realizing—and I can still feel his heat in my mouth, so I wouldn't be cold anyway—and Hiroki was visibly shivering now.

'I wish I'd brought my gloves', he said plaintively, lips pursing in a rueful grimace. Lips that had been pressed against Akihiko's minutes ago.

Akihiko didn't stop to think, and his right glove was in his outstretched hand before he knew what was happening. I think I just gave in to an urge again.

Hiroki took the glove gingerly, frozen fingers moving across and into the wool. 'What am I supposed to do with only one glove?' his voice was petulant now; petulant with a trace of guilt.

One more won't hurt. Not after what I did.

'Good point', said Akihiko, allowing half a smile to form on his face. 'That's why…' he trailed off as his bare hand grasped Hiroki's. Though his skin was naturally cold, he'd just taken off his glove so he hoped it would be enough to warm Hiroki up. The other boy's fingers felt chilly on the surface, but there was warm life throbbing just beneath.

The other boy looked ready to explode with embarrassment, but his feeble efforts to tug his hand away soon died down. 'Akihiko, we're both guys', he said, a note of pleading laced with the irritation.

'It doesn't matter', said Akihiko firmly. Be still, heart. I'm trying to speak straight. 'You—you're not cold anymore, are you?'

'No', said Hiroki awkwardly, 'but—!'

'Good', said Akihiko, and the smile turned into a real one. He turned his face away and kept his eyes straight ahead. There was a curiously strong pulse beating in the palm-sized patch of skin where their hands were clasped together, and Akihiko once more ordered his heart to calm itself.

Thadump

Hiroki was looking ahead too, but his face was flushed and eyes were wide. His eyes are always wide. It's like he isn't seeing enough right now, and wants to see even more.

Akihiko hoped Hiroki wouldn't see how foggy his mind had become.

'I don't think it'd help if I told you to stop trying so hard', he heard himself say.

Thadump

Akihiko looked down at the sidewalk, at the leaf-vein cracks with grass blades poking out. The grass looked bluish too in the dark. And cold. I hope Hiroki really isn't cold anymore.

'Maybe', he continued slowly, 'you're meant to work your tail off and achieve something great.'

Thadump

He could feel the heartbeat—his heartbeat, Hiroki's heartbeat—meshed together in his hand. For a moment, only one, he wondered if Hiroki was holding his heart without meaning to. I feel like his heart is coming out through his hand and resting in mine.

I don't want it. I still don't know if I like this feeling.

Thadump

Their feet were tapping gently on the concrete, like a timorous guest knocking on the door. If I drop Hiroki right to his doorstep, I might get invited in. I won't stay. I have to get home. I need to

Thadump

'You've got your next swim meet coming up, right? Can I come to cheer you on?' his voice had flown into a complete different octave by the end of the sentence. He brought it down again and cleared his throat.

I need to sort myself out before I see him again. Touching him is not good for my peace of mind. Tap, tap-tap, tap. Tap, tap-tap, tap. Their uncoordinated strides tapped the last few steps to Hiroki's house. Hiroki nodded his assent.

Thadump

Hiroki let go of Akihiko's hand and peeled off his glove. 'Thanks for keeping me warm', he said quietly. Too quietly.

For one taste, I've changed him. It is because of me, isn't it?

And now there was another impulse ringing in him, bubbling and urgent…Akihiko smiled hesitantly as he took the glove back. Please, please let him think that my fingers are trembling because of the cold.

The urge pulsated in his mouth like a heart. If it sets things right, I need to apologize.

'I'm—' sorry.

'Hey, Akihiko, wanna come in for a while?'

'Eh?' said Akihiko blankly. 'Huh? Oh, no, I…I need to get back. I'll be yelled at.' I won't, but Tanaka might get in trouble.

'Oh, all right then, I'll see you tomorrow', said Hiroki; his voice was still jerky but he seemed more like himself, and Akihiko relaxed. I can't do anything like that again. The things he makes me want to do are dangerous if you don't understand them.

'Ja, ne', he said softly, turning. He heard Hiroki's mumbled 'yeah' and the swish and pat-tap of Hiroki's footsteps away from him.

Sorry…the word resonated in his heart, bled repentance. But after that slice of regret, Akihiko felt stronger now. He could have freaked out, and he did, but not as much as I'd feared.

He shook his head again, making his solitary way back to his house. We still have time. We're just children. If I can just…stop this urge…suppress it for a few more years…we aren't going anywhere. He'll be old enough to understand in a while. All I have to do is fold this strange desire in half and keep it somewhere in a hidden pocket. The desire to touch. It's coming so soon. Too soon.

I don't know what I'm thinking, he realized. The leaves rustled around him as he walked up the driveway. For the first time since I was a baby, I don't know what I'm thinking.

Hiroki had tasted neither bad nor good; he'd just tasted like himself. Akihiko licked his lips subconsciously at the memory. I'm glad I didn't let my tongue escape. It was fighting with me. Hiroki would really have died of shame. But I really…couldn't help myself. Hiroki had stood in the tunnel of fire, face glistening with tears.

Some of the tear tracks caught the rays of the sun and made it look like his face was on fire. I wanted to cool him down at that moment. The crunch of his feet against the gravel is nothing like Hiroki's tapping on the steps to his house.

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'Akihiko-sama!'

Tanaka was standing at the door. Akihiko frowned. It isn't the first time I've been out this late. 'Akihiko-sama, you should know better than to wonder off in this cold.'

'I made a friend', said Akihiko tonelessly, shouldering out of his overcoat as the mansion, only marginally warmer than the outside air, swallowed him up. Tanaka shut the massive doors behind them and smiled his approval. 'That's good to hear. Is he of your age?'

'Yeah. He's my classmate.'

'Even better! It would be splendid if you were to invite him over every once in a while, Akihiko-sama', said Tanaka, beaming. 'I am sure he would be delighted.'

Delighted? Why would I wish this infernal house on anybody else? 'Yeah, okay', he mumbled. 'Tanaka-san, what's for dinner?' I don't need a second voice bolstering thoughts of Hiroki. Not when my mind is doing a splendid job of it already.

I can't go on giving in to these impulses. He groaned inwardly. And I can't keep dwelling on this, either. His mind was drawn to his confusion from wherever else it flitted. It was infuriating, and yet…every time he found himself thinking about the same thing, there was that accompanying sense of relief. The pleasant weakness of submission.

'Akihiko-sama…what's the name of this new friend?'

Why do you want to know so much? He knew the answer to that, though…because my making any sort of friend is a pretty big deal, as I realized myself a few days ago. 'Kamijou Hiroki.' His voice was level. Deceptively calm as always. His still waters ran so deep, if someone like Tanaka tried to reach the bottom they'd get consumed by the pressure. It was convenient, though, when he was trying to mask turbulences like those that were beginning to burgeon inside of him.

'Kamijou Hiroki', said Tanaka thoughtfully. 'Isn't that the son of the family across the street? I believe you have visited their home once.'

Oh, yeah. Akihiko remembered now. He hadn't made much of an impression on me then, though. And we'd visited so many homes to say hello. He frowned. Or maybe…I had to see him in the secret place to find him so different?

Hiroki hadn't been leaning over Akihiko or anything when he'd woken up that day, but his vision had been entirely captured by Hiroki's eyes, wide and questioning and angry and so beautiful. Akihiko couldn't suppress the tremor that ripped through him as he went to his room. And he looked even more beautiful in that beautiful place I thought I'd been the first to find.

…I really, really couldn't help myself today.

The reason I find myself so easily swallowed by what I want to do is…is that I'm completely new to these feelings.

Kamijou Hiroki is my first impulse.

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A/N: 'I really couldn't help myself' is a throwback to Hiroki's self-justification of the whole blindfold fiasco.