Beauty of a different kind
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds (sigh) please enjoy!!
Spoilers: references to Fisher King 1&2 Profiler, Profiled, and The Big Game and Revelations and most of the first season.
Spencer looked out the window silently watching people go about their day unaware of his silent watching. He wondered what they were thinking going about their day normally blissfully unaware of the horrors of the world. He envied them right now because when they closed their eyes they weren't seeing images of victims of cases long since passed. They didn't relive almost being blown up by a maniac, they didn't relive they didn't see all the blood and the victims frozen expressionless faces. They didn't remember how it felt to be beaten, they didn't have to choose who lived or died. They didn't wake up in the middle of the night in the grips of a nightmare remembering dying and being unable to do anything. They didn't remember standing in that cold graveyard digging their own grave with a psycho standing over them pointing a gun at them. They weren't forced to kill in a desperate situation they didn't realize how cruel and sick humanity truly was.
They weren't feeling an encumbrance amount of guilt and self-loathing as they tried to stop themselves from giving into the almost irresistible temptation of Dilaudid. They didn't feel like they were close to reaching a breaking point soon. They didn't feel the walls closing in on them they didn't feel as if there was no one in the world who understood them. They didn't feel as weak as he did every time he grabbed a needle and inject themselves with the drug just for a few moments of sweet release from the stress of everything. Spencer pulled his long legs around himself trying not to break down and sob his heart out it would do him no good to just completely break down he had to be strong. He wouldn't let himself be weak and helpless he was strong he wasn't weak.
He sighed suddenly feeling bitter he was getting better at lying to himself. He stood up on slightly unsteady feet feeling as if a light breeze will knock him over. He shook his heads knowing that he should probably make himself something to eat seeing as how he hadn't really eaten much lately. He started for the kitchen but his body wouldn't completely cooperate with him, he was too tired to make the long trip all the way to the kitchen instead he collapsed on the couch letting the sweet darkness take over. When he opened his eyes he felt much better then he had in days he looked towards his antique clock startled to find he had slept for over twenty hours he hadn't realized that he had been that tired. As he sluggishly registered that fact he realized that his bladder was demanding release, he slowly struggled to his feet stumbling towards the bathroom. After he took care of his business and was walking to his kitchen noticing that he had a few messages on his answering machine.
Spencer stared at the blinking red light for a moment before starting to play the recordings surprised that there were over nineteen messages. One was for a new product, another from the sanitarium about an update on his mother's condition, and all of the rest were from the team asking how he was and why wasn't he returning any of their calls. Spencer felt a warm feeling run through him partly because of their concern but mostly because he noticed that Morgan had left him seven of the messages. He couldn't help him self feel warmed at Morgan's obvious concern over him. He knew it was stupid to feel like that because Morgan was always worried about someone from the team but he couldn't help but think he worried about him a little more. He knew it was insane to think like that about Morgan but like always when the older man was concerned his thoughts just didn't stay logical.
He looked around his apartment once again taking in the familiar settings that he has become comfortable in. his large antique grandfather clock sat against a wall it's nearly silent gentle ticking feeling the quiet room. His bookshelf full of books, movies, and CD's, models of projects he used to work on as a kid. His old furniture some of it pieces of furniture from his childhood home that he could not bare to leave behind. He continued to scan the room wondering for a few moments if he should reorganize a few things around give himself something to do. His thoughts quickly left that train of thought when he found himself looking at the scarce few photos he had resting on the mantle on the wall. He stood and walked across the room staring at the photos he had smiling slightly as he found a picture of the team before Elle left.
Hotch stood to the side kind of out of the picture but still close enough to almost seem like he was guarding everyone a small grin gracing his face. Gideon stood near Hotch but also close to everyone else a small smile on his face with his arms crossed. JJ stood next to Elle both looking at the camera with smiles on their faces. Garcia and Morgan stood side by side with Morgan's arm around her shoulder grinning for everyone to see, and there he was trying to stand off to the side away from the camera but he couldn't. Morgan had clasped a hand on his shoulder and pulled him near him not letting him try and fade into the back he had a smile on his face relishing the warmth that the contact gave him. He felt a slight pain as he remembered Elle he still felt guilty over not telling anybody about how close Elle was to breaking, that he wouldn't say anything when he found her drinking in the middle of the day in the room. He shook his head and looked at the other photos trying to banish his depressing thoughts his eyes moved to the next photo of the team as it was now.
They didn't look quite as comfortable and friendly as they did in the first photo but they were still trying to get used to the new dynamics of the team. Hotch still stood to the side a grin on his face, Gideon standing near him and everyone else sort of like a bridge. JJ stood next to Garcia both smiling, Morgan stood behind them with Spencer next to him his arm around his shoulder and they were both grinning. Emily stood to the side looking kind of out of place in the small group. He looked at the next picture a familiar ache in his chest at the sight. It was of when he was younger before his mom's illness started showing. They were sitting on a bench next to each other she was reading him a book her arms around him as he leaned into her embrace. The wind blowing her long blonde hair gently to the side mixing with his shorter brown hair. His glasses reflecting light from the sun. They both had smiles on their faces obviously they were happy back then before things got complicated.
He looked at the next photo and couldn't help the sadness that came to his heart more strongly than the others. In the photo were to people standing side by side in front of some trees the light from the sun coming down casting a faint glow around the two. The first person looked to be around nineteen had short his shaggy shoulder length brown hair and glasses giving him a young and childish look to him. He stood tall over the second person; he was tall and lanky seeming to have an awkward grace to him. His wide brown eyes large and glowing with innocence and laughter, a bright smile on his face he was leaning against the second child obviously taking in comfort from the second person who had their arms around him in a caring embrace. The second person was shorter then the first looking to be around twenty-five her long light brown hair falling to the middle of her back, her light caramel skin contrasting against the others pale white skin. A wide smile on her lips and her bright hazel eyes showing gold in the light of the sun. She was curvy and seemed to posses a confident presence about her; she was resting her head on the first person's chest.
Spencer felt the sadness inside his heart grow as he looked at the photo they looked so happy back then like they didn't have a care in the world. But he knew that things weren't the same anymore and he couldn't help but mourn the lost of that little bit of comfort and security he had back then, but that ended more than four years ago. He picked up the photo gently tracing the face of his best friend letting a tear slip from his eyes to land on the photo unheeded. He sighed and shook his head a sigh escaping his lips along with the name of his childhood friend that he no longer saw.
"Demona."