Inside a bathtub, a spiky black haired teenaged boy slept solemnly. He was an unremarkable boy in almost every noticeable way. Amidst the city of students of mass destruction, he was blessed with the misfortune of being ranked at the very bottom of the power scale. A Level 0, cursed to take a seat on the bench as the pride and joy of the science side took the center stage. Yet, that boy had long made peace with that misfortune. Despite the peculiar circumstances he found himself in daily, he still managed to cut out a little slice of comfort that he could call his own and truly be proud of.

The boy's name was Kamijou Touma, age 16. Unlike most days where he woken up with a crank on his neck, he had on a peaceful smile. Yes, the most unlucky person in a city of 2.3 million people slept with the comfort of a well fed baby who played all day. Like some Disney movie, a ray of light bounced off his closed eyes. He squinted but slowly, he opened them and with no problem whatsoever, Kamijou the Pretty Princess had finally awoken.

He slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes, still with a smile on his face. He raised his arms and stretched his back with a light groan. He let his arms fall to his lap as he stared forward with a daze.

"Oh man," he said. "What a good night of sleep. That has the be the greatest 8 hours of my life. My body feels lighter than a feather and I'm so refreshed even though I haven't had breakfast yet." Kamijou clenched his fist. "I feel like a new man!"

Then he felt a strong jolt in the back of his skull. Like a ninja from some anime, he shifted his head to the side with a serious look. He extended his right arm and karate chopped the top of the alarm clock that sat atop the side of the bathtub the very microsecond it rung.

"And I've defeated the evil alarm clock warlord before his routine sneak attack?! Just what the heck is going on here?!"

(Now calm down Kamijou-san,) he thought. (If TV has taught me anything, it's that big tits are a marketing scheme in order to subconsciously control the masses into becoming tax frauds. I mean, come on! I know breasts are supposed to provide essential nutrients for babies, but after a while, don't they just get in the way?!)

"Wait, why am I thinking about breasts?"

(Why shouldn't I be thinking about breasts?)

"Hmmmm…"

(Hmmmm…)

Kamijou the Schizophrenic Champion battled his inner demon for a few moments as he held his chin with his thumb and index finger.

"Wait a minute! Haha, nice try fate, you rat bastard! Tricking me into a false sense of security and then utterly dashing any hopes of happiness with the harshness of reality! But I already know my chastity is safeguarded thanks to my terrible luck with women, thus preserving my purity for at least the entirety of my young adult life! You won't catch me off guard this time! Kamijou Touma will remain a virgin for the unforeseeable future and he's perfectly okay with that! Hahahahahaha!"

After crying for twelve minutes, Kamijou the Virgin Master stepped into the living quarters of his dorm, already cleaned up and dressed in his black school uniform with a white hoodie under the vest looking fresher than a mother fucker. In a rare display, he gallantly walked over to the refrigerator and his eyes very nervously scanned the floor for any potentially hazardous materials. He opened the fridge and jumped back with a gasp.

"I-impossible!" he said. "Do my eyes deceive me? Is this really all a dream?" He rubbed his eyes, pinched himself, and threw a cup of cold water from the sink on his face to be sure, yet there he stood as conscious and (mostly) sane as ever. "No, it's real! It's really real! And I'm only mildly schizophrenic this morning so it must be real!" As tears of joy welled up in his eyes, Kamijou the Dream Maker clenched his fist and looked to the ceiling. "The fridge is 2/5 full! That's enough for a complete breakfast!"

A high pitched voice squealed from the bed just some three meters over. A body ruffled in the sheets of Kamijou the Rooster Booster's bed. He quickly covered his mouth and gawked at the slender, light skinned, silver haired girl in a long sleeved white polo shirt slowly sit up and rub her eye with one hand. The shirt was unbuttoned and the the collar slid past her shoulder so even though she wore nothing else but a white tank top and silk panties, there was still a certain level of danger within the premises.

She yawned and revealed an almost non-existent cleavage.

"Tou...ma?" she said groggily.

"I-I-Index?!" Kamijou the Anti-Sandman cried.

(Oh no… the bottomless pit stuffed into a bite sized fast metabolism has awoken… In no time at all, the once oasis of a refrigerator will be blown away into nothing but a barren wasteland by the tornado of her insatiable appetite! And I forgot to stock up on groceries last week!)

Kamijou the Ditzy Lyricist envisioned a tiny pink ball shaped version of Index with her mouth opened to monstrous proportions and suck up the contents of the fridge with himself dressed in a ridiculous red royal garb as he clung desperately to the door before being sucked up himself along with the fridge. The puffball Index was fattened up and laid on her back. She belched out a toonified star.

(There goes my dreams of a complete breakfast…)

Index stepped out of bed and walked towards the kitchen.

"Way to go, Touma. You woke me up in the middle of my beauty sleep. How am I supposed to maintain this radiantly beautiful skin if I don't get enough rest, hm?!"

"Eeep!"

Kamijou the Great Big Pussy put his arms up expecting his roommate to pounce on him but to his surprise, she simply walked past him.

"Wait... what? Index…? Don't you want to bite Kamijou the Idiot Emperor as vengeance for disturbing your slumber."

"Meh... I'm too tired. I'll do it later if I care enough to remember…"

Even more surprising, she made a hard right towards the bathroom.

"Eh? Index, aren't you going to do your routinely futile sweep of the fridge?"

She grabbed the door handle and opened it adjar.

"I don't really feel that hungry. I'll just take a shower and have some waffles after you leave."

"... … … HUUUUUUUUUUUH?!"

Before she opened the door all the way, Kamijou the Nurse in Training slammed the door shut, grabbed Index by the shoulders, spun her around, and put his right palm on her forehead. She jumped a little.

"Eeeeeek!" Index squealed with red cheeks. "Touma?!"

"Index, did you come down with a fever? Are you absolutely sure you don't want to bite me?!"

"What kind of weirdo asks to be bitten?!"

"... You'd be surprised."

"What?!"

Drinking game. Take a shot every time Touma or Index say "What?" for the remainder of this story.

Kidding, you'll die before chapter 2.

In an effort to preserve her innocence, Touma opened the door, turned Index back around.

"Don't you have a shower to take? Those precious pores won't exfoliate themselves!"

"Why are you wet?"

"PROTECT THE YOOUUUTH! HAAAAAAA!"

After going beyond a normal Kamijou,Kamijou the Legendary Super Saiyan-jin shoved Index into the bathroom. He kept his head poked inside.

"Remember, the pink towel is yours and don't stay too long because you'll get wrinkles."

"Oh noooooo!"

"You be good now and the floaties are over there by the windows, just in case-"

Kamijou the Second Coming of Casanova shut the door before a pink towel smashed him in the face. With a smile, he walked to the fridge and before he could grab the handle, he swung his body around. He studied his dormitory as quickly and fastidiously as he could without wasting time. Despite the fact, there weren't any noticeable difference in the environment from five seconds earlier. Yet his heart rate was still several beats higher than normal.

As a person so often flung into the crossfire, Kamijou the Veteran had an uncanny ability to detect a dangerous atmosphere. He swallowed as sweat mixed with his wet face.

(Why do I feel like I'm being watched…?)

With his back facing the fridge, he slowly side stepped into the walkway leading to the living room section of the dorm. He tiptoed towards the center of the room and stopped. He squinted but relied more on his hearing and intuition to flush out the invisible threat.

(Could it be another magician after Index? Or... maybe it's somebody after me this time? Either way, they'd have to a plan to neutralize me first since I'd be the biggest threat. And the fact that they haven't blown up the patio or kicked down the door shows that they've gotta have a sneak attack. Meaning they either know about Imagine Breaker and decided to approach me with a direct attack, or, they just don't have that much fire power to begin with.)

Touma clenched his right fist, which made it harder than a rock.

(Are they already inside? Could they have phased through the walls and made themselves invisible like a ghost? Or…)

In mid thought, he felt a sharp prick on his ear. The pain jolted every nerve from his neck all the way down to his keg. He awkwardly arced his back and he clumsily stumbled backwards.

"Yeeeoowww!?"

He twirled and spun and eventually tripped over his sneakers. That sent him crashing down at lethal speeds...onto his cushiony mattress. He fumbled around and pleasured his former lover Mattress-kun. After a few seconds, common sense kicked in and he simply grabbed whatever clung to his right ear and yanked it off, almost along with the lobe itself.

"Arrrrrghaaaah!"

The pain lingered on, but he ignored the familiar sensation.

"The combination of this attack, the target, and the strategy can only be the work of one person…"

Held firmly in his hand was a fifteen centimeter blonde witch with an eye patch over her right eye.

"Human," she said with an authorization tone. "You've incurred my wrath for the final time."

"What did I do now?"

"You left me alone with that abomination for an entire night."

"Hey, I don't care if you are a former Magic God. That's no way to talk about another house guest! When she's out of the shower, you owe Index an apology!"

"Not the Librarium Prohibitorum. I meant…" Othinus squeezed her wittle awrm and pointed to her left. "That."

Kamijou the Dungeon Master shifted his gaze at the white calico cat with patches of brown and owned on its head and back. It was innocently licking its paw and only stopped after noticing the spotlight was on it. Its green eyes patiently waited for Touma to press the action button to continue the text.

"What, Sphynx? Did it get in your home last night?"

"Aaah...n-not exactly." For some reason, her cheeks turned bright pink and she fumbled with her fingers. "I attempted to squeeze into the bathroom because a spider crawled into my house-AHEM-to demand that you fetch me a drop of water to satiate my thirst for conquer. And on my way, that monstrosity took it upon itself to take advantage of my mobile position. It chased me around the room for eight minutes. I used Guerrilla tactics to keep myself hidden for short periods but it kept finding me. I eventually managed to distract it with some food crumbs and hid in the Prohibitorium's hair before it finally left me alone."

"That doesn't sound so bad. You outwitted your captor and even got your early morning exercise. Looks like a double win to me."

Othinus turned back around and placed her hands on her hips.

"...Are you implying that I need the exercise?"

"Everyone needs exercise."

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not…?"

"You think I'm...as you lesser creatures are fond of saying... "packing the pounds," don't you?"

Touma exasperatedly squinted.

"You're fine," he said.

"T-that phrase has two meanings!"

"I don't have time for this filler scene. If you're that worried, I'll stay by your side. At least until I'm done with breakfast. Sphynx won't bother you then. And if you play nice with Index, you should be safe while I'm at school. My only concerned right now is getting there on time and enjoying my surprisingly good day before something inevitably messes it up."

"Really human? Are you that commited to blaming your misfortune on some immeasurable phenomenon instead of your own bad decision making?"

"Yes."

Then, a loud metallic thud reached them. Touma, Othinus, and Sphynx turned to the direction of noise: the patio. He then somersaulted behind the bed and Sphynx scurried next to him.

"What was that?" Kamijou said.

"Why ask when you can easily search for yourself? Although, if I had to guess, I'd say it's an assassin after any one of our lives. We're quite the celebrities these you... You who saves the girl who rewrote and destroyed the planet a few octononagintatracentrillion times..."

"You've officially reached the point where I've stopped listening." Touma held Othinus's back in front of Sphynx's mouth. "Hey Sphynx. Take Othinus and hide in one of the cupboards under the sink. Whatever happens, don't come out. Only leave if I'm beaten and even then, wait until after the bad guy leaves. Then go and find help find help. Zapper from Tokiwadai is a good choice. Chances are, if someone's after me or Index, there's a greater scope to their plans."

With its mouth, Sphynx happily grabbed Othinus by her cape.

"Meooooooow," said Sphynx (- very important).

"I have many complaints," said Othinus as she was carried away.

"Shut up and bare with it for now," said Kamijou the Swift and Concise.

(Odd...I had my guard mostly down for a while, but the would be assassin

When he stood up, he barely made out a large dark mass on the railing outside the patio. His eyes opened up a bit. "Wait... seriously?"

He jogged over to the glass sliding door and the mass slowly became more legible.

"You've got to be joking… Geez! Some assassin. Falling onto the railing like a clutz. You look like an idiot. I'll help you up then beat your ass and stuff you in the garbage like the trash you are."

But after Kamijou the Eco Teen slid open the door, his face losesend. He became engulfed in a debilitating fear so powerful that he was unable to move. Why? There wasn't any weapon that could instantly kill him with the proper aim. But a life was still in danger.

He couldn't believe it at first. The green track suit and blue hair in a ponytail were familiar. But he didn't even need to see the face. The peach skinned dark haired woman groaned as she raised her head. Her ample bosom was pushed uncomfortably from the railing as she held onto the bars under the railing in an awkward position?

"Son of a bitch," she complained.

"Huh? Ms. Aiho?!"

"Ah...oh shit…I mean..." Embarrassed, Ms. Yomikawa Aiho smiled despite being eight storeys from being a spaghetti dinner. "Hello there young man. What a nice day to hang out, am I right? Mind giving me a…"

And just like that, she lost her grip and slid off the railing.

"... hand?"