"Sooooo, you really expect us to believe you got that shiner from running into the palace door, when Zeng flew out to deliver the invitations?" Mantis sneered skeptically. "Buddy, that's the oldest excuse in the book, and it sure doesn't hold any more water coming from you of all people. What really happened? Give, give…"
Tai Lung snarled and swiped at the insect—though only to grab what the healer was dangling in his pincers just out of reach, not to actually try and claw the kung fu master; of course not. "Fine, I will, just as soon as you hand over the sodding ice pack!" Hearing that, Mantis finally handed the item over, and the snow leopard practically lunged to snag the linen pouch and then press it to his bruised eye and cheek with a sigh of relief.
They were, of course, in the room he normally shared with Tigress, though at present there were only men about save for little Yi. Monkey, who had overseen the craftsmanship of the new bed—a surprisingly ornamented, graceful, and elegant design that showed a great deal of love and determination for perfection in every panel, stud, and raised lotus-and-vine motif—was with them, perched upon his stiffened tail as if meditating but otherwise constantly wearing the cheekiest of grins.
And atop the mattress, rolling and bouncing and leaping about with enough forceful glee to make any furniture less sturdily built collapse, the cow girl had been joined by several of her friends from the village, as well as Zhin's youngest sons, his nephews. There had to be at least three or four of them—they'd never stayed still long enough for him to get a proper head count—and each was as adorable, apple-cheeked, and fluffy as the last…as he himself had been, once upon a time.
If matters were otherwise, Tai Lung might have used their very familiar appearance to ponder the symbolic ramifications of this, of how this startling family resemblance suggested the purity, goodness, and gentle love he had once possessed were not after all lost forever, instead living on in the family he never knew he still had.
Or he might even have reflected on the minor unsolved mystery of his own cub self visiting him the night before the Ghost Festival—an occurrence he wouldn't put it past Oogway to have arranged to help remind him of who he had been once and could be again, but the old turtle had of course refused to confirm anything—how this might have been a foreshadowing of him encountering his own flesh and blood.
But no, all the snow leopard could think, as he held the lumpy package of ice and medicinal herbs to his throbbing swelling to make it go down, was how his family only gave certain wits far too much fodder with which to tease him…and that if it weren't such a precious memory now of his past with Oogway, he would burn that old cubhood portrait as soon as he could lay paws on it again.
When he finally felt the pain receding and the pounding heat in his eye socket subsiding, Tai Lung turned away from the roly-poly young ones blessing the bridal bed with their innocence and youth—or so the tradition went—and lowered his voice as he manfully admitted what had happened down at the inn. Viper and Mei Ling were both dear friends to him now…but he knew just how they had so cleverly played him. And somehow, some way, they will be paying for this one. I will have my revenge!
This resolution became even stronger in his heart when, naturally enough, both Mantis and Monkey burst out laughing at his sheepishly grumbled story. "Jade Emperor in Heaven!" the simian groaned, slapping a long-fingered hand to his forehead. "You mean, they sent you to the wrong—and you thought she—and you actually—" His voice dissolved into more snickers and guffaws.
Meanwhile, the insect was smirking very cockily. "Gods, and you got laid low by a—"
Tai Lung squeezed the ice pack until he could both feel and hear the chunks within cracking and crushing within his iron grip. "You don't want to finish that sentence," he said ominously. "And just what exactly are you implying? That I'm a pushover, eh? That there's no possible way a woman could…"
Mantis chuckled. "Uh, maybe you forgot who you're talking to. I don't have to look any farther than my own species to know women can be, ah, formidable. Not to mention Tigress, Viper, Mei Ling…" He pressed his pincers together and raised his gaze innocently to the ceiling. "I was just saying, that's the second woman to sucker punch you in the last week…"
The master of the Jade Palace paused—and then cursed under his breath. Bugger, he's right!
It had happened one morning when the other denizens of the palace had been occupied with setting up the wedding pavilion, spending time with Yi, and in Po's case, purchasing the food for the feast well in advance. With even Tigress down in the village, claiming she had a pressing need to pray at the temple (when he actually had it on good authority from Viper that she was, of all things, going to visit Xiulan and check on her wedding dress), Tai Lung had had the training hall all to himself…until his sister Zhin stopped in to watch.
When the Qiao clan had come to the Valley of Peace for the wedding, as well as to meet Shifu, the Dragon Warrior, and all the kung fu masters who had begun, strangely enough, to feel like family to him, Tai Lung had not known what to expect. His mother, of course, he'd already shared intimate talks and memories with, had gotten to know as a woman who was both kind and determined, gentle and harsh all at once.
And while they did not have quite the temper he did, nor had they become so aggressive through kung fu training, his brothers were in general cut from the same cloth—dry and sardonic in their humor, stubborn and proud, but also deeply loyal, brave, and enduring. Not to mention they were wonderfully gregarious fellows to wind down with at the end of a long hard day of work.
His sister, however…when he first laid eyes on Zhin, he couldn't believe they were related, she was so petite, plump, yet still somehow graceful, especially for a woman only a few years younger than De; apparently she took very good care of herself. Her face had none of the elfin-ness of the Wu Sisters, instead being fairly broad and rounded, and her warm green eyes twinkled all the more whenever she smiled, which was often.
Soft-spoken, genial, as interested in frilly garments and decorative makeup as Viper but with a firm, no-nonsense tone she'd inherited from Jian…and which at times reminded him uncomfortably of Tigress…the snow leopardess had seemed a contradiction and a quandary. He had no idea how to react to her or treat her, other than with the deference and respect due an honored sibling.
So when she had shown up at the kwoon, he'd been a bit flustered and nervous, but in the end he had decided to act as if nothing whatsoever had changed. Even as Zhin stood not far from the Adversary, and he could feel her eyes on the back of his head, Tai Lung had coolly continued his routine—which at that point consisted of sparring with the Wooden Crocodiles, sending one device after the next twirling and spinning about in blurs of motion, dodging and weaving and twisting about to avoid each and every spiked arm as it breezed past him, so that not even a single hair was shifted out of position.
Having memorized the pattern in which they bounced and ricocheted off each other, and how hard he had to strike a particular Warrior to open a path for him without smashing the equipment to smithereens—at least until Shifu had them replaced with brand-new ones he'd have to learn all over again—the snow leopard had reached the far side, sweaty with his exertions but not at all from stress or weariness.
And then, as he had wiped himself down with a towel and started to turn back, Zhin had approached from the side walkway, applauding…and after praising his talent and skill to the skies had shyly asked if he might be able to teach her a move or two…
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Tai Lung fought off a throbbing at his temples that was not due to the punch he'd received at the inn. What an idiot I was.
It had all seemed so simple, so clear. His sweet, shy, seemingly harmless sister, hero-worshiping him as Po had (albeit far less ridiculously), begging him to teach her how to fight like him, "just a little." He still didn't know if she'd been playing him for a fool the whole time with a disingenuous innocence, or if he had simply discounted the family strength to his detriment.
All he knew was, after puffing out his chest in pride, buffing his paw on his creamy white pectorals, and smiling warmly, he had graciously acquiesced—guiding her in the proper way to stand, to position her arm and wrist, and to arrange her fingers so she could strike without breaking any, before offering her the brick wall of his fur-covered abdominals to punch.
She had hemmed and hawed, very uncertain this was a good idea, while he kept insisting it was fine, she was a beginner, he had extremely tough muscles, and he had been trained to accept any and all physical punishment during his training—much more grueling than anything she could dish out.
He thought he'd said this last kindly, reassuringly, not with his usual cocky bravado. He was sure he had.
It had happened so fast that neither of them could believe it. A streak of spotted gray as Zhin's fist lashed out, a loud thwack echoing off the timbered roof beams as she struck him squarely in the solar plexus, and then the snow leopard had paused…stared up at his sister as she stood with her fist held out, frozen in the same position as when she'd punched him, looking just as shocked as he felt…and then let out an animalistic, ragged cry that was half-snarl, half-whine of agony as he doubled over, almost collapsing on the floor of the kwoon…
Looking up from his reverie, Tai Lung discovered that unsurprisingly Mantis and Monkey were both still staring at him with incredibly satisfied, amused expressions. Flattening his ears to his skull, he hissed and glared right back. "Oh no you don't—don't you even think—"
"Yup, yup," the insect said, stretching his pincers up and back behind his head. "Looks like those years are catching up with ya, buddy. Losing your edge."
Keeping his voice down to a harsh whisper that wouldn't disturb the cavorting children, he snapped, "For your information, I am just as capable of wiping the floor with your bloody arses as I ever—"
"Really?" Mantis teased. "Then I guess your sister must be even stronger than you. Or are you just getting weak?"
"I AM NOT WEAK!"
"Hey, look at it this way," Monkey interjected amiably, holding out both long-fingered hands. "At least your sister, she can punch like a mean drunk! You don't ever gotta worry 'bout her being defenseless or anything. You gotta be happy about that!"
"Riveted," Tai Lung snarled, even as his head still ached beneath the ice pack. "Utterly ecstatic."
"And as for the lady at the inn," the insect noted sagely, "you kinda had that one coming, considering the way you barged in like that and—"
The snow leopard gritted his teeth and pressed the cold lumps harder to his bruised face. "D'you know what she yelled at me as I was running down the street? That if she were my mother, she'd make me cut my own switch!" He shook his head in denial, as well as annoyance at himself; he still couldn't believe the tongue on that Tonkinese cat!
Monkey grinned slyly. "That's funny, from what I heard, Tigress had you doing the same thing the other—" He was cut off by Tai Lung scooping him up and covering his mouth with a large spotted paw, while the snow leopard growled and flicked his eyes warningly toward the bed, where the children had stopped playing to stare at them in puzzlement. Forcing a cheery smile, Tai Lung waved his free paw, and only when Yi and the other children had gone back to bouncing and rolling did he feel safe enough to uncover the simian's mouth and set him down.
Taking a deep breath, then blowing it out his cheeks, the snow leopard muttered. "That was a bit too close…all right, new topic."
"Well, speaking of your family," Mantis said with forced casualness as he rubbed his chin, "I really like your brother De. And those nephews of yours, too—Meng and Bo? They sure are something…"
Tai Lung groaned and hid his face behind the ice pack.
It wasn't that he didn't care for his nephews—far from it, they were both fine, upstanding youths whom he was quite determined to ensure had good futures ahead of them; one planned to carry on the family business, while the other hoped to travel to the Imperial City and become a royal scholar.
But the two were, of course, spitting images of himself at that age, though tending more towards the slender rather than the beefy side…and both were as insatiably smitten with the opposite sex as De. Which was ironic, since they were Enlai's youngest sons (the eldest already having jobs, spouses, and livelihoods of their own elsewhere in China), and their uncle had had only girls before his wife passed on.
So to know, and even witness, that two virile young snow leopards had been set loose on the town, and that everyone in the Valley of Peace was aware of both their heritage and their lechery, made Tai Lung want to crawl under a rock and not come out again for decades—and considering his time in Chorh-Gom, that was saying something. It certainly gave Monkey and Mantis far too much to tease their new master about, what with his virginity having been lost only recently…
"At least now we know what would have happened if you'd gone to the village when you were sixteen," Mantis mused.
"You are far too fascinated with my love life. You know that, right?"
"What? Not like there's anything else to do around here in the winter. And when you've been around the empire as long as I have, nothing fazes you anymore. Heck, it all starts looking appealing after a while…"
"Stop. In the name of all that is holy and decent, just…stop."
Monkey clasped his paws behind his head and gazed at the ceiling. "So, how many do ya think they've gone through in the last week? Five, six? Each?"
Quickly Tai Lung hushed him. "Keep your voice down! And they'd better not be that out-of-control, or so help me…"
"Aww, that's so cute! Lookit you, being the overprotective uncle and everything!" When the snow leopard glared daggers at Mantis, the insect cleared his throat and rushed on. "Oh, don't worry, Spottybutt, they're being real careful and all. I mean come on, do you really think they wouldn't be, with a dad like theirs?"
He had a point; among his many other admirable traits, Enlai was quite conscientious, proper, and responsible. While he understood that boys would be boys and needed their chance to have the freedom to experiment and indulge themselves, the eldest Qiao would never allow this at the expense of girls being despoiled, their families' honor left in shambles, cubs left without someone to feed and raise them, or the possibility of other things being spread about along with their lineage. Still…
"I told you to stop calling me that," Tai Lung growled irritably. "And that's not really the point, you know. Even if they're being careful, they're still making me look bad—they practically wear my face as it is!—not to mention the family reputation…"
Monkey smirked. "You really think, after everything else that can be laid at your door, anyone's gonna care how much you and your family get 'round? Besides, just think of it as practice."
"Practice?" the snow leopard asked warily, rather suspecting he wouldn't like where this was going.
And he was right. "Well, yeah. I mean think about it…what d'you think's gonna happen, when you an' Tigress have kids? Gotta be prepared for your own son an' all." The langur grinned at him smugly.
For several agonized moments Tai Lung stared at Monkey. Then he groaned aloud and buried his face in his palm. Oh gods. Not that, anything but that. Shang Ti give me strength. Why did I want children again?
While he was thus occupied, he suddenly felt something small tugging rather insistently at his pant leg. Removing his paw from his face, but keeping the other holding the ice pack in place, he looked down…and groaned.
There stood little Yi, as inquisitive and intrusive as ever, and beside her was one of Zhin's youngest sons—Li, he thought his name was. Both of them looked quite solemn and concerned. "Kitty? Were you talking about Meng and Bo? Li thought you were…he got real worried. Why do they gotta be careful? What were they going through? Why so many?"
Aghast, Tai Lung stood flabbergasted for several eternal-seeming moments, utterly tongue-tied as to what to say; he'd warned the others to be quiet, and now these impressionable little minds were wanting answers he couldn't give… Finally, as his rapidly darting eyes landed on a silkscreen on the wall, he burst out in a fit of desperation.
"Ah…calligraphy! They were doing calligraphy, xiăo jiāhuo…" Rubbing the back of his neck and hoping he didn't sound or look as unconvincing as he felt, he started inventing wildly. "Yes, Bo wants to be a scholar, you know, and with the Emperor coming for the wedding, he wanted to practice 'til he was the best, so he could get a job there! But he's been going through far too much paper and ink, which is really, really expensive. None of us want Li's uncle to run out of money…so they need to be very careful. That's all it was, all right?" Praying that Li didn't know his cousins had no interest in calligraphy whatsoever, he waited.
Luckily, it seemed he didn't. For after a moment both little faces cleared of confusion, with Li looking relieved and Yi beaming happily. "Oh. Okay, kitty!" And taking the little snow leopard's paw, she skipped merrily back to the bed, there to resume scrambling about for the red dates, lotus seeds, oranges, peanuts, and pomegranates scattered about on the sheets.
After she was out of earshot, Tai Lung leaned against the door jamb and wiped his suddenly clammy brow—only to have Mantis hop up on his shoulder with a very knowing look. "Calligraphy?" he asked incredulously. "Now that's one I've never heard before."
"Oh, sod off! I didn't hear you coming up with any clever suggestions to put her off the scent."
"No, that was pretty good thinking on your part," the insect agreed. But he still couldn't seem to keep the raunchy grin off his face. "Still…calligraphy?"
"Shut up."
Mantis winked. "Ah, I get it. 'It's not the size of the brush, it's how you use it?'"
Tai Lung groaned.
"Or…you want to make sure you've got a really stiff…handle?"
"I hate you."
Chuckling, Monkey came up on his other side. "But you gotta be careful. Wouldn't want you runnin' out of…ink, now would we?"
What did I ever do to deserve this?
Yet even that wasn't the end of the torture, as Mantis had hopped onto Monkey's paw to be out of retaliatory reach, when the primate in turn had danced away from Tai Lung's lunge. And from the relative safety of this perch, he continued haranguing. "Now, what inquiring minds really wanna know is…just how much 'calligraphy' are you and Tigress gonna do tomorrow night? I mean, you already left so many…ah, lovely images for everyone all over the palace. What's left for you to do?"
Tai Lung paused…and then he smiled slowly as the perfect revenge came to mind. "Oh, you'd be surprised," he purred suggestively, casually crossing his arms while meticulously examining his claws. "There's plenty more we can do…"
Suddenly Mantis wasn't laughing any more, as he seemed to have sensed the trap he'd walked right into. "Oh? Such as…?"
He glanced again toward the bed of giggling children, then pursed his lips. "Well, how can I put this…I may not be the most experienced, ah, writer, but as you know I'm a fast learner. And Tigress has praised the quality and frequency of my work, I assure you. I could do calligraphy all day, every day, if I had my way. I would use every color ink in my calligraphy set."
"We get it, you like calligraphy," Monkey interjected, rolling his eyes. "But, uh, there's only so many ways to draw a picture before it all starts to look the same, you know?"
"Which just shows how little you actually know," Tai Lung drawled, starting to warm up to the subject. "Calligraphy can be…swift and vigorous, or gentle and passionate. You can take your time to…form the characters, and you can…draw them repeatedly to practice and get it just right. You don't want to rush it, or you could end up…spilling the ink. Not to mention you've got to be very careful not to tear the…paper.
"And every…picture you draw can be different and better than the one before, all thanks to the angle you hold your…brush. I can tell you, Tigress and I will be up late into the night doing our 'calligraphy', and all the slow and steady strokes I've learned will make for much smoother…writing."
By the time he had finished his recitation, lingering lovingly on more syllables and phrases than was likely good for him, and had crossed his arms in supreme satisfaction, both of the other masters were groaning with faces buried in paw or pincer—not only at the awful nature of this very long series of double entendres, but at having been outwitted and outdone at their own game.
"That's it, rub it in," Mantis grumbled, hunkering down as if longing to scuttle into some dark hole. That's what she said, the snow leopard thought snidely, even as he privately wondered if perhaps the insect were not quite as experienced as he implied.
But aloud, all he said was, "Well, you did ask." To which Monkey only shook his head, gave his friend a mournful look, and scooped him up to cradle him consolingly on his shoulder.
However, before Tai Lung could further brag about his brilliant one-up-manship or lavish still more naughty details in the guise of something seemingly innocuous, someone else suddenly appeared in the doorway, startling them all. With the flapping of wings and a rustle of feathers, Crane stepped into the room, looking a bit haggard and harried, yet also relieved.
Wiping his brow with one wing, he began unfastening and removing his dou li even as he was talking wearily to them. "Ah, here you all are. Sorry I'm so late, guys. Master Shifu just wouldn't let me go until he got an absolutely thorough, incredibly detailed report on what me, Mei, and Jia were up to on our travels."
Shaking his head at their master's anal stubbornness, the waterfowl sighed, removed his dust- and mud-splattered cloak to be hung on a peg, and stretched until his wingbones popped. "Ahh…well, I know the wedding is tomorrow and all, but I am exhausted. So if you don't mind, I'll just do a little calligraphy and then go to bed."
For a split second the other three masters all stared at each other. Then as one they burst out laughing.
"What? What's so funny about that?" Crane asked, rather suspiciously.
None of them could answer him, as they were laughing so hard they could barely breathe.
Getting rather huffy, the avian kung fu master drew himself up to his full height and crossed his wings severely. "I'll have you know calligraphy is very relaxing! I do it every night before I go to bed—sometimes when I get up in the morning, too."
Monkey howled, slapping a paw to his forehead and leaning against the wall to hold himself upright.
Crane glared at him. "Look, I know you guys think it's some silly, girly pastime, but calligraphy has a long and glorious tradition dating back to the start of the empire."
Mantis collapsed on the floor, kicking his legs in the air.
The waterfowl threw his hat at him. "You're making utter idiots of yourselves, you know that? And I bet I know what this is. This is jealousy, pure and simple. I don't blame you either." He smirked and lifted his bill smugly. "I've learned everything I know about calligraphy from Mei Ling."
Now it was finally Tai Lung's turn to topple over, clutching at his belly and laughing like a madman.
In the midst of all this frivolity, while Crane was staring at them in rising fury (and the sneaking sensation there had been a particularly awful joke made at his expense), little Yi came toddling over from the bed, where the other children had paused in the middle of their pillow fight to stare at the giggling, chortling masters. "What are they laughing at, Master Crane?" the bovine girl asked, sounding very puzzled and completely innocent.
"I don't know, little one," the Li Dai master said, shaking his head in disbelief. "I really have no idea…"
Dawn came with birdsong, the tolling of the morning bell upon the mountainside, and thick, pervasive mist swirling and churning all throughout the Valley, leaving the forest cloaked and mysterious, the river and lake an expanse of shimmering silver-blue, and the Jade Mountain a solitary peak thrusting up out of the foggy sea.
It also brought Tigress to a portion of the elaborate wedding ceremony she liked even less than being sequestered in the cockloft—all the primping, styling, dressing, and other feminine pursuits involved in making her a beautiful flower for her waiting groom.
She did have to admit, the bath which Viper drew for her in the inn bathhouse (in very warm water, thankfully) was rather invigorating, soothing, and something of a wicked indulgence. The pumelo water the serpent prepared for her to cleanse her of evil influences was also quite fragrant and very good for her fur, leaving it shinier, softer, and brighter than it had been in a long time. And after being dried, fussed over, and wrapped in warm towels, the dragon and phoenix candles she was set before not only added a sweet scent of incense to the air, they filled her with surprising serenity, balance, and peace.
But everything which followed that was practically a nightmare for her. If it wasn't the obsessive attention to trimming her claws, brushing and weaving and arranging her fur, or applying all manner of makeup, rouge, and other beauty aids to her features, it was just who was waiting on her besides Viper.
There was Tai Lung's sister, Qiao Fei Zhin. On the one paw, she had heard from Mantis the story of the snow leopardess laying her long-lost brother low in the kwoon, and the merchant's wife had confirmed it for her with an interesting mix of shy blushing and a small, amused smile. That was enough to make her good in Tigress's book—since even after falling in love with Tai Lung, and seeing him change for the better, she couldn't help thinking that the snow leopard needed constant reminders to keep him humble.
But aside from this one awesome moment, the striped feline had to find her future sister-in-law rather annoying…because she had all of Viper's sweetness, gentleness, and love of femininity without any of the redeeming naughtiness, deceptive cleverness, or badassery. So to sit there calmly and quietly on a stool like a good prospective bride, having her fur combed, perfumes and powders applied to her neck and cheeks, flowers placed above her ears, and red ribbons wound about her wrists and forearms, all while listening to Zhin natter on about clothes, poetry, shoes, painting, dancing, and more clothes…well, it was rather like torture.
Almost as bad was being waited on by Enlai's wife, Yan. True, being a farmwife made her much more tomboyish, strong-willed, and independent, and her age made her far more motherly, understanding, and practical. But by the same token, the combination of her harsh life and her advancing years rendered the snow leopardess…less than wholesome. Apart from her tendency to curse and utter fairly vile imprecations at the drop of a hat (something which, surprisingly, Zhin didn't even bat an eye at), Yan seemed to have taken it upon herself to educate her new sister-in-law…in everything which a bride needed to know.
Tigress allowed that learning how to sew, cook, and clean might be useful skills. She had every intention of passing off the sewing to Viper whenever she got the chance, and Tai Lung would become at least passing familiar with the kitchen if not knowing his way around it as well as the training hall—he certainly should be capable of a little light housework, after all the years of slaving away at sweeping, cleaning, and polishing under Shifu's critical eye!
But somehow she suspected getting the snow leopard to agree to chef training under Po would be much more difficult than him teaching the "big fat panda" kung fu. And there might be times when he would be away on missions that she would have to look after the house herself.
What had her alternately blushing and gritting her teeth in offense was the very…explicit advice Yan had with regards to the bedroom. The farmwife seemed quite capable of describing male anatomy and how to pleasure it in excruciating detail, and giving directives on how to please her husband in general, all in the same breath. The latter had Tigress ready to explode—how could any woman, especially one as open-minded and proud as this one, put up with that sort of life, let alone advise adhering to it?—while the former simply made her sink down on her stool and bite her lip.
Do men really enjoy that? Does Tai Lung actually expect me to—well, now that doesn't sound so bad. But does she have to be so blatant about it?
Even that, however, might have been bearable, at least by itself. But the final straw was just who her "good-luck woman" was…
Somehow managing to keep a straight face—perfectly genteel, placid, and solemn—Mei Ling clasped her paws almost piously before her chest (when she wasn't helping clothe Tigress) as she recited auspicious sayings and advice. But the mischievous twinkle in her brown eyes never faded, matching some of the lines she dropped which were most certainly not part of the script.
"Fulfill your duties calmly and respectfully…well, you're dutiful all right, but that last part? Never gonna happen… Reflect before you snack—act! Oh wait, sorry, that's advice for Po… This shall bring you honor and glory." A pause, and then she smiled sincerely. "Wait…you've already got that, too, in spades."
"Good girl," Tigress purred with an edge in her voice, drumming her fingers on her red silk sleeves. The mountain cat only smiled in sunny fashion.
"…so there we were, in the Imperial City, in the busiest marketplace in all of China, where if you can't find it—and at the perfect price—it doesn't exist. And who should stroll down the street?" Zhin paused dramatically, her outflung paw almost jabbing Tigress with a needle. "The Emperor himself, and his entourage! Oh…my…word. I love my husband, but the Son of Heaven is to die for. And don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about, dear, I've seen the way you look at him!" The leader of the Five sank lower still on her fitting stool even as she growled pointedly.
"Anyway, we knew he didn't set any store on ceremony, but his advisors did. And we didn't have any parasols with us to bow beneath. So I grabbed the nearest thing I could think of—a wicker basket, wrapped it in a length of silk from another stall, and stuck that on my head as a hat. I thought my husband and the courtiers were going to keel over right then and there…but Chen took one look at me, laughed, and declared he loved it. Then he asked me to design ones just like it for all the ladies at court." She snickered. "They all looked ridiculous, served them right, too…"
Yan grinned openly, even as she droned on in her own stream of advice. "Now, men want sons of course, t' carry on the family name but also 'cause they have some notion in their noggins, bless their souls, that the more they have, the more manly they are." She snorted.
The striped feline protested, even if she knew it was in vain. "Tai Lung isn't like that…he won't care whether we have boys or girls, he'll love them just as much."
One eyebrow shot up skeptically, to match the farmwife's quirked mouth. "Oh, honey, he may say that, he may even believe it. But when it gets right down to it, all men want the same thing—t' see that damned tackle swingin' between their son's legs. Don't know why, if you ask me that's a stupid place t' put something so tender 'n' vital. What were the gods thinkin'? Just one healthy crack, and…" Yan scooped up a pawful of peanuts from a nearby bowl and squeezed them hard, cracking all the shells in a visual aid.
Then she chuckled. "Then again, maybe that's why…had t' give us womenfolk some way t' even the odds, huh? Anyway, you can't really control how many boys you have, or when, but you sure can up your chances by doin' it whenever ya have the opportunity." The snow leopardess eyed Tigress until she blushed, then winked.
"From what I've heard, that ain't gonna be a problem for you. But just in case, there's an herb I've relied upon for years, one that'll guarantee you're always ready for him. Why, I reckon your Master Mantis knows just the one I mean…"
Tigress went so pale she thought she might pass out from the sudden rush of blood.
Blithely ignoring Yan as she lingered almost lovingly on the details of what the aphrodisiac would do to its victim, Mei Ling tapped one finger against her lip. "Well, I don't have to worry about wishing you lived in interesting times—you already have! And after Chao, I don't see how you could suffer anything worse. But, just in case…" She cleared her throat. "'May you respect each other like honored guests. May you always see heart to heart. May fragrant flowers bloom and full moon shine over your life together. May your joy and happiness be forevermore.'"
Another pause, and then she added wryly, "For everyone's sakes, or we'll never hear the end of it, and they might just have to start calling this place the Valley of Catfights."
Zhin's musical laughter tinkled merrily in the room as she almost doubled over, but somehow she resumed her breathless recitation as soon as her giggles had passed. "And what a valley this is! Why, I've never seen so many stores, and so many different kinds, outside the capital…tailors and seamstresses, jewelers and florists, seafood and tofu stalls, pottery and bookstalls, shoemakers and herbalists…no wonder this place is so prosperous!"
Mei Ling smirked at her and crossed her arms, idly flapping her scroll at Tigress to cool her off—between the growing heat of the day, the hard work in perfecting her beauty, and her nervousness, the striped feline was beginning to sweat. "Was, maybe, you practically bought out everyone's stock! I hope your husband's as strong as the men in your family, Zhin. He'll need all the muscles he can get to carry everything you've bought here."
The snow leopardess pouted. "Can you blame me when I hardly ever get a chance to go shopping? I'm a merchant's wife, he usually does all the buying for me. All right, it's sweet and even a bit romantic when he comes home from a long caravan journey and brings me gifts he got along the way…but he's so hopeless at knowing what I, or any girl, really wants."
Viper, who up until now had simply been watching the proceedings from the side while elegantly sipping jasmine tea, smiled at Zhin. "Ah, so that's why you had so much money saved up. And here I thought it was just because you knew you were coming to the valley."
"Well, that too," Tai Lung's sister demurred.
The serpent slithered over and curled her tail tip in a familiar, intimate gesture around Zhin's paw. "Either way, I'm glad you did! It was a lot of fun getting to go with you. Tigress is such a wet blanket when we go shopping—" She made a face, then winked good-naturedly at the leader of the Five, who couldn't help but glower back.
"—and there's really no one else here to go with. Po means well, and he's great for carrying things without complaint and giving his opinion without it somehow impugning his manhood, unlike some…"
Tigress knew exactly who she meant—neither Shifu nor Monkey was well-versed in feminine pursuits and actively resisted any attempts to educate them, while even Crane seemed far too insecure to admit to any knowledge that might incriminate him. "…but there's nothing like a like-minded woman!"
"Happy to be of service," Zhin replied brightly. "With Gang—er, I'm sorry, Tai Lung—living here in the Valley, I've got plenty of excuses to come visit. We should go out together more often, Master Viper." She patted the serpent's coiled tail, and both of them beamed excitedly at each other. Tigress somehow felt unnerved and a bit ill. One of them was bad enough…now they're going to be teaming up against the Valley? Ti'en help us…
From the look on Yan's face, she didn't seem any more sanguine with this possibility—but then again, she had her own farm and most likely only saw Zhin a few times a year, what did she have to worry about? And her own resumed monologue wasn't any better for Tigress's constitution.
"Now don't forget, though, that just because you have t' please your man doesn't mean you don't get plenty of attention, too. It's not necessary t' give him what he wants, or t' bear his cubs, but it sure does make it a whole lot more enjoyable for you, eh? And if he loves you, he shouldn't have any problem makin' you feel like the queen you are."
Tigress smirked. "He already does that—and knows it, too, if he knows what's good for him."
Planting her fists on her broad hips, the snow leopardess snorted. "No man ever does it right, not without bein' taught how first. And from what I've heard, he's got even less experience than my Enlai. He's gotta learn, and the only way he can is from you. You know your own body the best, dear, so don't be afraid t' teach him exactly where and how t' touch you t' make your fur stand straight on end."
Blushing deeply at this, the leader of the Five tried to deny it. "Yes, but that's just it. If I'm so knowledgeable, what do I need you—?"
Yan eyed her knowingly, then began rattling off a list of places, secret and private places, in the female body and precisely how to give them the most pleasure. Several times Tigress gasped, at other moments she grinned smugly at hearing things she did, indeed, already know. At the last, she was forced to cut the woman off at hearing something she simply couldn't believe. "Wait—what? That can't be, there's no possible way that could feel—?"
"There is if you stroke it right," the older feline drawled. Tigress bit her lip and fought the urge to bury her flushed face in her long silk sleeves.
Finally, after what seemed all day but was in truth only a few hours, the styling and dressing was at last completed. Because she was Tigress's most senior sister-in-law (and because she was simply quite sturdy and strong despite her age), Yan was the one to promptly, and without ceremony or hesitation, scoop the striped feline up and carry her on her back, down the stairs to the inn's parlor. There she donned a jacket and skirt, all in shades of crimson and scarlet trimmed with gold, then slipped her paws into the pair of red shoes which waited for her inside of a sieve. Lastly the red silk veil was hung, diaphanous and exotic, from the Phoenix crown atop her head.
"Oh, you look gorgeous!" Zhin sighed romantically, clasping her paws over her heart.
"You're a knockout," Mei Ling agreed without a hint of jealousy.
"Tai Lung won't know what hit him, all right," Viper added with a sly touch of mockery. Knowing what both she and the mountain cat were referring to, Tigress wasn't at all surprised when the two started laughing, although she could only blush in genuine pleasure at the praise. Just because she was a warrior and normally didn't care much for her appearance, particularly in its femininity, didn't mean she never indulged in such things or wished to be admired for her beauty.
When the hilarity had died down, the Li Dai master gave her a quick embrace, straightened her sash and ribboned sleeves, then said, "Go get him, Tigress. Wishing you one hundred years of good companionship—or else you might end up killing each other, or us! Oh, and Yan's right: give birth to a son soon!"
"Why, so a doting aunt can spoil him rotten?" she asked archly. Mei Ling could only laugh, but Tigress noted she didn't deny the charge or even answer the admittedly rhetorical question.
As the mountain cat knelt down so she in turn could hoist the striped feline up to carry her out to the sedan chair for the wedding procession, Yan squeezed the bride's shoulder and offered her one last bit of advice. "Tonight, make sure you find each and every one of his weak spots. And if he's anything like my Enlai, nibbling on his ears'll turn him into a shivering, curled up ball of mewls, purrs and whimpers. And then there's the very tip of his tail...that'll make him melt in your paws."
At Tigress's startled look, the snow leopardess smirked smugly. "What? You didn't really think I believed all that obedient, dutiful tripe I was layin' on you, did you? That's what every man wants his wife t' be, so he can be large and in charge, and that's how a good marriage looks t' everyone else, on the surface…but when you get right down to it, in private it's a whole other ball of wax. That's where the real power lies, and where you'll prove t' him you two are equals. And if he don't like it…that's when you wrap him 'round your finger and have your way with him." Yan winked openly.
For several moments Tigress could only flush deeply at the farmwife's rather naughty suggestions, as well as their origin—the sex lives of older people, however active and healthy they might be, was not something she ever wished to hear about. But then, as the true significance of her comments sank in, the leader of the Five once more began to slowly smile. I love Tai Lung…but this may just be more fun than I could have imagined.
"Damn it!" Tai Lung growled nastily as he struggled to free himself from the tangle of sleeves and collar belonging to the scarlet silk gown he had to wear for the wedding. "What is this, a groom's robe or a prison uniform?"
From where he was sitting at the snow leopard's old desk, calmly sipping peach blossom tea, Emperor Chen raised an eyebrow. "Now Master Tai Lung, I am well aware that the institution of marriage, particularly the ceremony itself, is something dear only to the feminine heart, but I'd hardly call wedding Tigress a jail sentence. It's not that onerous, is it?" A small, knowing smile curled the corners of the aged tiger's lips, one Tai Lung didn't like at all.
"Or is there something you're not telling us, honored brother?" This came from De, who was sitting in the windowsill of the dormitory room, legs stretched lazily across and up at an angle, arms crossed casually over his broad chest. One green eye glinted from beneath the brim of the hat he wore tugged down over his face, soon exposed to view as he pushed the hat upward and sat up to grin suggestively himself.
"I know you've gone and outdone your elders when it comes to indulging in the exotic—a South China tiger? Mm-mmm, your tastes are both unusual and divine, Gang!—but I had no idea Master Tigress was so…kinky. Ow!"
This last had been prompted by a roll of measuring tape which had suddenly come flying through the air to smack the farmer, hard, right in the middle of his spotted forehead. Even as he was rubbing his aching brow, Master Shifu was glaring at him as if seeking out another missile to hurl.
"That is my daughter you are disrespecting, Master Qiao. And if I can still paddle my son, I can certainly do the same, and worse, to you." With those ominous words, he turned back with a vindicated air to resume fitting Tai Lung for his robes.
While the preparation and dressing of the groom was hardly as convoluted, difficult, or afforded as much dedication and care as that of the bride, tradition still demanded that the affair be handled with respect, nobility, and courtesy. Naturally, between that and his determination to be personally involved in every aspect of the ceremony, right down to supervising the bunting, musical instruments, and fireworks which would factor into various parts of the day, there was only one person who fit all the requirements. So Shifu had taken it upon himself to properly garb his son…and as usual, he was accepting no guff from the snow leopard at all.
Po, at last having finished all the obsessive roasting, marinating, and spicing of the vast wedding banquet he'd planned, was now on call for moral support—which mostly consisted of striving, as ever, to help restrain the master of the Jade Palace's temper, with some actual physical effort in holding the feline upright whenever his struggles with the rich, unwieldy garb became too violent…or, though he hated to admit it, whenever his knees started getting too weak to support him.
Ostensibly, his brothers were also here for such things, as well as to wish him well in the time-honored ceremony and years of wedded bliss which lay ahead of him—but while Enlai offered any number of wise sayings and philosophical musings which wouldn't have sounded out of place at all coming from Oogway, as well as some genuinely useful, practical advice, De had either ignored the proceedings completely so as to lazily enjoy the summer sun streaming in through the window…or cheekily and smugly teased Tai Lung as mercilessly as Mantis and Monkey had the night before.
And Emperor Chen had arrived in the Valley of Peace in the early hours of the morning, with a surprisingly small and discreet retinue—from the courtiers' constant shell-shocked looks and aggrieved mutterings, as well as the tiger's equally prevalent air of self-satisfaction, it was clear the ruler of all China had taken an inordinate amount of pleasure in enforcing his will and demanding only the barest of formalities. Tai Lung would have given a great deal to have been a fly on the wall during those conversations.
Since ensconcing his toadies in the palace guest rooms, Chen had spent the rest of the day in idle chitchat, inspecting the premises, engaging in games of mahjong with Shifu, Enlai, and Ping, and even taking a few turns in the kwoon "just to stay in practice". (Many of the courtiers, despite surely knowing of their monarch's predilections, had been scandalized to catch him half-unclad and lathering up quite the sweat in the training hall; for some obscure reason, the maids and other female attendants he'd brought with him seemed to have quite a different reaction…)
He'd claimed a need to oversee as auspicious and monumental an occasion as the union of the leader of the Furious Five with the master of the Jade Palace…but somehow Tai Lung got the feeling, from how often he hung around the dormitory, that there was some other reason for his presence he had yet to reveal…
His train of thought was broken as Shifu finally succeeded in untwisting and rearranging the robes before Tai Lung tore his way out of them, then proceeded to tie them properly in place with a red silk sash. Once all was neat and orderly, with even his fur being washed, groomed, and brushed to an attractive sheen (he always had been rather vain about his appearance), the red panda at last bade him kneel at the altar while he stood upon a footstool, so as to finish the ritual by placing a cap decorated with cypress leaves on his head. "There," he said, brushing his small hands with a fastidious air as he stepped back to admire his handiwork. "How does he look?"
The Dragon Warrior looked fit to be tied, as if he were very mightily struggling not to embrace himself; instead, he simply clenched his fists at his sides and swung his arms back and forth excitedly. "Well, he looks awesome of course! What'd ya expect?" Tai Lung would have found the praise at least marginally more pleasing if it weren't the same sort of thing Po used to describe himself far too often.
Enlai was much more acceptable and appropriate, even as he was also generous. "Brother…you make me, and our whole family, so very proud." He stepped close, clasped both of Tai Lung's paws in his equally massive, callused and scarred grip, and then actually invaded his personal space (and without any sign of it bothering his masculine image) by embracing his kin. Even more surprisingly, Tai Lung let him.
"I only wish my eldest sons could see you. Unfortunately their professions don't exactly allow for much time off for traveling or leisure. A blacksmith and a cobbler's work is never done! At least I can send that messenger of yours, Zeng, to apprise them of the wedding and how it goes."
Tai Lung managed a warm, forgiving smile as he placed a paw on his brother's shoulder. "That's quite all right, Enlai. I look forward to meeting them whenever they can visit." Sighing heavily, he made sure that the silken ball attached to his sash was secured on his shoulder, then turned and leaned wearily on the back of a chair, gazing into the mirror which was positioned not far from his desk. There was another stool nearby, and it looked very, very inviting.
"Tai? You okay, bud?" A black-furred paw rested on his shoulder, and he turned to see that of course Po was peering at him worriedly, his green eyes as warm and sympathetic as ever.
For a moment he was tempted to brush it off, to ignore his friend, even to push him away gruffly and make a sarcastic comment about the panda being far too touchy-feely. After all…even now, after all they had been through, he still did not feel he deserved a friend as true, selfless, and kind as Po. But at last he drew himself up, straightened out his robes yet again, and nodded. There were many ways he could answer the question, but only one that was truthful. Even if it would sound rather worrisome.
"I'm…I'm fine, panda. Or rather, I will be. There's just…so much to take in, y'know? This is such a big step…not like anything I've ever done before. And…I'm just not sure I'm ready…" His claws unsheathed and dug into the back of the chair, his fingers flexing hard enough to crack the wood.
Behind him, a snort of disbelief was followed by a derisive laugh. "I don't believe this. After all the work you went through to woo and win her, changing yourself and turning your life around all for her, now you're getting cold feet, Gang?" De looked like he didn't know whether to burst out laughing or bury his face in his paws in despair.
For a moment a nettled look crossed the Dragon Warrior's broad face; then, almost against his own will, the corner of his mouth turned up and he started to chuckle. "What're you talkin' about? He's a snow leopard, they can't get cold—"
Tai Lung snatched a pillow off the bed and with lightning speed smacked it into Po's belly. Gasping as the wind was briefly knocked out of him, the panda doubled over, then stumbled back to sit down hard on his rump.
Dusting his paws off with an air of satisfaction, he then turned to shoot a resentful glare at his brother. "For your information, De," he snapped, "no I do not have cold feet, not about Tigress, my love for her, or our sharing our lives together." Letting out a huge breath as the anger left him in favor of nervousness and concern, he shook his blocky head.
"What I'm wary of is the ceremony itself. I don't want anything to go wrong…this is so important, to her, to Mother, to everyone…and after so long of doing everything wrong, I want to do something right for a change. Is that so much to ask?"
The room was silent for several long moments, save for the sound of birds chirping in the branches outside and, far distant, the hum and buzz of many voices drifting up from the village. Then Enlai crossed his arms over his broad chest and nodded decisively. "Don't worry, brother. None of us will let anything inauspicious happen. It will all come together, and your lives will be blessed, I guarantee it."
Even De nodded at that one, smiling warmly. "Of course, we've been through it before, we know just what to do to make it all right with the gods. Maybe you're not used to having brothers, but you'd better get used to it. We've got your back." He paused, then pursed his lips as he pointed a somewhat accusing finger at Tai Lung.
"So you'd better not be thinking of canceling the ceremony. I've got quite a lovely little minx lined up to accompany me, and I'm not going to have an empty bed tonight just because you're terrified of accidentally earning some bad luck."
For several long moments the room was silent again, this time with a very palpable shock and disapproval. Then, crossing his arms across his own massively burly chest, Emperor Chen eyed De knowingly, through narrow, slitted lids. "That wouldn't happen to be one of my chambermaids, would it?"
The farmer actually had the gall and audacity to feign innocence at first; then, even more stunningly, he shrugged and nodded casually, as if admitting to this fault in front of the Lord of Ten Thousand Years were no worse than accidentally tearing his best pair of trousers. "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, it would," he stated blandly.
The aged tiger bristled visibly—in fact his fur practically floofed for a few moments—and then he whirled about to direct an incensed glare at Tai Lung. "This is utterly ridiculous. Simply intolerable! Do you have any idea how many times this one has been reported in the rooms of my retinue? It seems to be his sole aim in life to work his way through as many of my maids as possible, in record time. If I hadn't known you were joined at the hip to Master Tigress, and elsewhere at the time, I'd have thought it was you, since the two of you are practically identical."
Stunned for a few moments by this development, Tai Lung flicked his eyes to De, a reproachful look on his muzzle. His brother still seemed as unconcerned as ever, even suavely buffing his knuckles on his chest and grinning smugly to himself. Po, he saw, had risen from the floor and was now slowly sidling out of the line of fire, looking as if he longed to make himself small enough to slip out of the chamber unnoticed, and Shifu's eye was twitching so madly that he couldn't even speak, jaw working soundlessly and his whole expression one of abject horror.
Well…at least I finally know where I get it from. Thank the gods this isn't just limited to me, I was starting to think I was some sort of sex maniac…
Meanwhile, the emperor was still spouting off. "Would you believe, I caught him myself with a maid on each arm, when they were supposed to be doing their jobs? Now, I can cook and iron quite well on my own if I have to, thank you very much, but really! That is not what I'm paying them for. Could you please tell this rapscallion to put an end to his ceaseless seducing of the members of my household? At this rate I expect him to make a special trip to Beijing and start sleeping his way through the Imperial court next."
As a very speculative look which Tai Lung didn't like at all crossed De's face, the master of the Jade Palace drew himself up to his full height and forced a blasé, even grave, expression onto his own features. So this is why Chen's been hanging around all day. Must have been waiting for just the right moment to drop the heavy end of the hammer on him.
He was rather appalled himself at his brother's behavior, but if anyone was to chastise De, it was him, not Chen. Blood ran thicker than water, and all that. Besides…this allowed him just a small measure of revenge…
"Well, Your Majesty, maybe this will be a lesson for you in the future, that it's not a good idear to go around ogling my future wife in front of me," he said in a soft, smooth voice, even as a slow, wicked smile grew upon his lips.
Chen blinked and stepped back a pace, and for a moment a hurt, even guilty, look appeared on his striped face as his eyes shifted warily about. Then he began to splutter. "That…that was an entirely different matter! And you very well know it! Besides, you didn't see me inviting you to join in on a threesome with your betrothed."
Whipping his head about, Tai Lung caught his brother clasping his paws behind his head and whistling nonchalantly, eyes elevated to the ceiling. "You didn't."
"He did indeed." The ruler of all China was actually blushing as he now avoided meeting De's gaze. "Said there were plenty of girls to go around. By the Jade Emperor in Heaven, I am a married man!"
Tai Lung paused. "But, Your Majesty—you have a harem."
"It's the principle of the thing!"
He chose his words carefully. "Ah…well, while I do sympathize, I can't exactly, er, control my brother. But he'll be going back to Qinghai after the wedding…"
Meanwhile, behind him, Enlai was actually bristling as he glowered in disgust at De. "I cannot believe you. I simply cannot believe you! Just because you're unattached does not give you the right…what do you think you're playing at, honored brother?" This last came out rather stilted. "You certainly won't find another wife this way. Hoping to get some sons at last? Why, if your daughters could see you now…"
The snow leopard had actually looked ashamed, even distraught, at this browbeating, suggesting their elder brother might have been right on the mark on more than one point. But then, as Enlai brought up children, De clenched his jaw and snorted, chuckling a bit nastily. "You're one to talk," he retorted. "How many kids have you got now, or did you lose track? And at your age too…and people say I'm the one who's too active in the bedroom." Now it was Enlai's turn to flush and look shifty-eyed.
Finally, just when Tai Lung was about ready to lose his temper and declare Chen should banish his brother from the empire and be done with it—since that was the only way to curtail his womanizing ways—and De was describing in rather graphic detail just how men's libidos did not die with advancing age and it would be a travesty not to take advantage of this (something which had poor Po beet red and alternately hiding his face behind his paws and uttering strangled cries), Shifu intervened.
"We are wasting time, and the day is wearing on. I am certain Master De meant nothing by his…adventures, so you have no need to worry, your Majesty." As Chen began to grumble, the red panda held up a tiny paw. "And I am also certain that Master De will do his level best to make it up to you for this inconvenience…if not by refraining from further encounters, then by paying you a modest sum in return." As the snow leopard in turn began to protest, the Grand Master glared at him. "Especially if he ever wishes to return to the Valley of Peace, or be welcome at the Jade Palace."
Hearing that, the farmer winced, shot Tai Lung an apologetic look, then sighed and bowed contritely to the tiger. "All right, fine. I suppose even I need a rest sometime." He winked impudently at Enlai. "And the harvest was good this year, I can spare a little something."
"The treasury thanks you," Chen deadpanned in an urbane drawl.
"If that is settled then," Shifu concluded, "we can finish the ritual and move on."
Tai Lung nodded and took his place before the altar, bowing to the tablets of Heaven and Earth, then those of his ancestors (brought carefully wrapped and protected all the way from the family farm, of course). After he had also bowed to Shifu, then Enlai and De, the red panda clasped his paws inside his sleeves. "Very good, son. So, where is…Mrs. Qiao?" One eye twitched again.
"Right here," the familiar strong, feminine voice came from the doorway. Turning, Tai Ling saw Jian standing garbed in red as well, looking so revitalized and pleasured by the honor and glory of the occasion that she seemed much younger than her years. Smiling, she crossed to his side and embraced him tightly, then kissed each cheek before stepping back and grasping his shoulders so she could look up into his golden eyes.
"You look wonderful, my son. I never dreamed this day would come…and now it is even more blessed than I could ever have expected. Everything is ready. Shall we get moving, then?" A winsome smile graced her lips. "We don't have all day you know, and after the wedding's over I'd still like a chance for some dinner."
The spotted feline grumbled a bit as she fussed over him, but didn't really protest—while it was a bit humiliating, it also felt rather good to have someone who loved and cherished him so unconditionally, even after all these years apart. Then he raised an eyebrow. "Really? Even after the great feast Po here has prepared? I don't know if I should be impressed or offended."
"Hush, you. So I've worked up a healthy appetite." Jian slapped him lightly on the belly. "I'd say you have one too, though it certainly doesn't show."
He grinned, then nodded, spreading his paws expansively. "Very well then, what would you like for dinner, Mother?" Feeling much better than he had only a few minutes ago, he scooped up what had been Shifu's teacup—while he did normally prefer black oolong, a bit of ginseng and jasmine should hit the spot, and steady his nerves.
"Thank you, dear, but I won't be having dinner here. I'll be dining in the village."
Tai Lung blinked. "Oh? I thought you had already sampled Mr. Ping's soup." He inhaled the steam, then took a long, generous drink.
"Indeed, I did, but I was asked out to dinner by this charming goat I met in the apothecary..."
Immediately the snow leopard sprayed his tea across the room, splattering both Chen and Shifu. Then he began to cough and choke violently.
De was there a few moments later to pound his back and hold him up by the shoulders, while Enlai apologized profusely on his behalf and helped the emperor mop up the spill on his royal robes. Po, on the other paw, was grinning openly and even began to laugh. Mantis, unfortunately, had filled the panda in on just what had happened between the snow leopard and Ning Guo one of the times Tai Lung had sent him in his stead for herbs…and after an initial bout of embarrassment and empathy, had begun to find the whole matter as amusing as everyone else in the temple. And now…now he and the others had even more fodder to use against him, all thanks to his family being in the valley.
Oh gods. Nothing can be worth this. There's still a chance to run away to Tibet…right, Tigress? Please say there's still a chance…
(A/N: It should be fairly obvious, of course, from both this chapter and the previous one how much research I put into the wedding details. But what might not be obvious is that aside from the moment where Mei Ling is quoting the honorable virtues Mulan said to the matchmaker, most of the other sayings and wise words she gives are legitimate, ancient, well-known wedding blessings. As for shout-outs, the only real one here is the extended metaphor of the calligraphy set, which Luna suggested to me by way of a similar scene involving crayons in Sex and the City. Of course I took it and ran with it, like I always do. Also, this time around I was definitely setting up a parallel between Tai's sister Zhin and Mei Xing from Luna's "Present", complete with the same kind of first-time punch [albeit in the stomach instead of the jaw] and some of the same dialogue afterward. And the Tonkinese cat whom Tai accidentally kissed, and wanted him to cut his own switch, is of course a reference to Yeying from "Memoirs"; it's not supposed to really be her, just an echo. Thanks, Luna, for your wonderful stories I can't resist referencing. R/R!)