~Author's Note~
By popular, like, demand, here's another, like, totally wicked and awesometastic chapter of, like, my amazing story! I hope you, like, like the, like, battle at the start, as I was up all, like, night getting it just, like, right. In, like, recognition of my, like, superhuman feats of literary awesomeness, please, like, leave lots of gushing and praise in your, like, reviews.
Oh, and there's, like, a totally cool reference to, like, a totally cool song in this chapter, so I must be, like, totally cool, mustn't I? I mean, like, I've said "totally cool" three times already, not, like, counting that last one, so, like, I must be!
~Chapter 2: Aureliano vs Joey! The First of Many Battles!~
It was a fine, early autumn day in the forests surrounding Cherrygrove City, and, despite having already spent the night there, Chrissie hadn't caught any pokémon.
"Maybe they're on strike, Chloe," Chrissie proposed, looking down at her talkative totodile.
"Oh, no. The only pokémon strike in history was a general strike by unappreciated bug-type pokémon. Y'know, beedrills and butterfrees who get abandoned as soon as their enemies manage to keep up with their evolutionary boost," Chloe pointed out. "I think our problem is more to do with coincidence, or lack of pokémon who want to travel with us. You might want to try advertising, or maybe-"
With impeccable timing, a young, rather rash hoothoot flew into Chloe, sending her flying.
"Oh!" Chrissie cried, rushing over to help Chloe to her feet. She turned to the hoothoot in a towering fury. "Just what do you think you're doing?"
"I seek a master who is worthy of having me fight for them," the hoothoot replied, his deep, tough-sounding voice rather at odds with his miniscule stature. "That totodile was in my way."
Chrissie looked at Chloe. "Is he... does he want me to train him, then?"
"Presumably, after you've proven your skill as a trainer," Chloe replied. "Isn't there something about this in that pokédex of yours, though?"
"Oh, right. Chloe, be a dear and fight him, will you?" said Chrissie.
Chloe nodded bravely.
"Mr Hoothoot, I accept your challenge," Chrissie declared. "Chloe, use scratch!"
Chloe ran at the hoothoot and scratched him. In response, the hoothoot tackled Chloe.
A bead of sweat rolled down Chrissie's cheek. This was more intense than anything she'd done before, even though she wasn't actually doing the fighting. "Chloe, be strong! Use scratch again!"
Chloe slashed the hoothoot once more. He staggered in pain, righted himself and, with a dangerous look in his eye, tackled Chloe again, sending her sprawling.
Chrissie was horrified. "Chloe, no! Please, you've got to get up, or at least work out how to use scratch on all fours! I believe in you!"
Whether it was Chrissie's belief or the mere suggestion that she should use scratch on all fours I do not know, but either way Chloe staggered to her feet, claws outstretched, and scratched the hoothoot a third time. Too injured to remain conscious, he fell to the ground in a daze.
"Oh, wow!" Chloe squealed. "I can't believe it. I've actually caught a hoothoot! Chloe, you're brilliant beyond belief!" She was ecstatic. Nothing, not even eating a warm chocolate croissant, could compare to the wonder of catching a pokémon for the first time.
"You should probably consider using a poké-ball at some point," Chloe reminded Chrissie.
"Oh, right," Chrissie acknowledged sheepishly. She retrieved a poké-ball from her dungaree pocket, clearing her throat. "Poké-balls away!"
So saying, Chrissie tossed the poké-ball at the hoothoot. It landed on his feathery belly, split open and drew him in.
"You're meant to shout "go poké-ball!" or something, not "poké-balls away". Idiot..." the hoothoot muttered as the poké-ball enveloped him.
"Charming..." said Chrissie, replacing the poké-ball in her pocket and getting Chloe's out. "You should probably rest a bit now. Chloe, return!"
Chrissie thumbed the button on Chloe's poké-ball, recalling her. She smiled. "What with Aureliano and all, this day couldn't've gone any better. I wonder how he's getting on..."
Nobody can resist such an obvious prelude to a scene change, so let's head on over to Aureliano, who had already made a start on Route 30.
"All right... so I've got Cynder the cyndaquil, Shadowstorm the gible, Darkfang the axew, Abraxia the bagon and Spirit the vulpix. Not really a cool enough team, but needs must," the boy said to himself, inspecting the poké-balls hanging from his belt. His dad had sent him a few master balls, which cut out the need to bond with pokémon and all that guff, so now all Aureliano needed was someone to battle.
"Hey there!" called a cheerful voice.
Aureliano perked up. This would do nicely.
"Yeah?" Aureliano said laconically, as a young boy with a blue baseball cap, blue shorts and a yellow top wandered over.
"You're a pokémon trainer, aren't you? Wanna battle me?" the boy enquired. "My name's Joey, and I've got a rattata. She's in the top percentage of rattatas, so you won't beat us in a million years! Just warnin' ya."
Aureliano smirked awesomely, the result of many hours practicing in front of a mirror. "I'll beat you in a million femtoseconds." He retrieved one of the master balls hanging from his belt. "Darkfang, I choose you!"
With a flash of black and purple light and a sound like the galaxy being smashed to pieces by an electric guitar, Darkfang burst out of his master ball, light glinting off his tusks and fire in his eyes. "Axew! Xew xew axew!" he roared.
Joey took a step back. "Whoa! Is that... that's a larvitar, right?"
"What?! No, he's an axew! Idiot..." said Aureliano.
"Charming..." Joey retrieved his poké-ball. "Ratatta, let's go!"
With a rather more mundane flash of light, a small, purple, buck-toothed pokémon materialised in front of Joey with a cheerful cry of "Tatta!" She looked a bit highly strung, as most ratattas were, but there was a sharp gleam to her teeth (because sharp things gleam, don't they?), and her muscles weren't exactly hard to find under the fur.
Aureliano looked down his nose at Ratatta. "This won't be much fun. Whatever. Darkfang, outrage!"
Darkfang gave Aureliano a look of non-comprehension. "I don't think I can use that move."
"W-what?! Why the distortion realm not?!" Aureliano demanded.
"I haven't done much battling, really. I'll need more practice."
Aureliano sighed. "Well, what can you do?"
Darkfang thought for a moment, with Joey and Ratatta looking on in bemusement. "Scratch, leer and assurance. Possibly dragon rage, if I really had to."
"Are you kidding me?! That's pathetic!" snapped Aureliano.
"I didn't ask you to capture me from out of nowhere, did I?" said Darkfang archly.
"Oh... shut up!" Aureliano retorted. "Use assurance!"
Relieved, Darkfang gave Ratatta a very dark and assured slap in the face.
"Hyper fang!" Joey ordered. Baring her mighty fangs, Ratatta pounced on Darkfang and bit down on him with all her might.
"Axeeeew!" Darkfang cried, in serious pain.
"Counter it with scratch!" Aureliano commanded. Squaring his shoulders, Darkfang raised a claw-laden hand and slashed at Ratatta.
"Quick attack!" Joey shouted.
Ratatta grinned; this was her favourite part of a battle. Like a bullet, she zoomed out of reach of Darkfang's scratch, slingshotted around a tree and smashed into Darkfang, sending him flying into a bush.
Aureliano stared at the bush. "Good grief!" Without much haste, he made his way over to the bush, rummaged around inside for a bit, and retrieved Darkfang. The axew had been knocked out cold.
Aureliano gave Darkfang a jolly good shake. "Wake up! For pity's sake, this is no time to lie around!" He shot Joey a furious look. "You did this, you idiot boy. You and that ratatta!"
"Us?! But we were just battling!" Joey protested.
"You weren't meant to win! I wasn't meant to lose my first battle!" Aureliano shouted. "It's unfair! It's a foul! You're the most horrible boy in the world and I HATE YOU!" Poor, hard-done-by Aureliano fell to his knees in misery and confusion, weeping bitter tears.
Joey was completely nonplussed. "Why are you-? I mean... there's no need to cry." He lay a comforting hand on Aureliano's shoulder. "Losing happens. It isn't nice, but if someone wins, someone else has to lose, so it can't not happen, and you'll do better next-"
"Get away from me!" Aureliano snapped, making as if to bite Joey's hand. The youngster hastily retrieved it.
"Ratatta, do you think we should help him?" Joey asked worriedly.
"He looks dangerous, but... well, we shouldn't leave him," Ratatta reasoned. "We should probably make sure people know how he was treating that axew, too."
"You're right." Joey attempted to heave Aureliano onto his shoulders and failed miserably. "Ratatta, can you head over to Keistriel Village and get someone?"
"Sure thing," Ratatta acknowledged, and she was gone in a flash.
Joey gave a deep, heartfelt sigh. Aureliano was one marble short of a fun, simple game for all the family...
As night fell, a girl with twin ponytails, a red top and blue dungarees was arriving in Keistriel Village with a spring in her step. Thanks to a chance encounter with a weedle who loved potato salad, Chrissie's pokémon team now numbered three, all looking forward to the many adventures ahead of them.
And "many" was just the word: in addition to Keistriel Village, route 30 contained two more villages, a haunted mansion, an aquarium, several ancient ruins and a medium-sized town. It would take at least a couple of weeks to get to Violet City, and there was still the rest of the region after that. And then there was Kanto, and her parents had been talking about visiting New Zealand...
"Better rest while we can," Chrissie said to herself, absentmindedly sidestepping a parked ambulance on her way to the pokémon centre.
Wait. Ambulance?
Chrissie suddenly had a terrible sense of foreboding.
"Oh my gosh! Aureliano!" Chrissie cried. "What happened, exactly?"
Aureliano was looking rather faint, and could barely bring himself to stay upright on the pokémon centre's bench.
"What... happened?" Aureliano said faintly. "I... I lost a battle."
"Oh. Too bad," said Chrissie. "I mean, what happened to put you in such a bad way?"
Aureliano looked at her blankly. "I lost a battle. A Pyracardia isn't supposed to lose!" He curled up in a little ball and started crying again.
"Oh, come on! Losing isn't the end of the world. What matters is trying and... stuff," Chrissie inexpertly comforted him. "Failing doesn't make you a faliure."
"Yes it does!" Aureliano wailed. "I'm the most useless boy ever and I hate myself. I'm going to cut my wrists and wear black eye shadow and listen to sad music, and, um, mope about a bit, I suppose."
Chrissie shrugged. "Suit yourself." She was about to wander off when she felt a tug on her sleeve.
"Chrissie, aren't you the least bit sympathetic to my tragic plight?!" Aureliano demanded, looking rather offended.
"Er... a little," said Chrissie, retrieving her sleeve. "But you've been horrible to me all my life, so why should I be your friend now?"
"Well... you're a girl, aren't you?" said Aureliano, in a small voice. He simply couldn't comprehend the idea of a weak, soft-hearted female being so cruel to him.
Chrissie left in great haste. "Nurse Joy, can you give me a room as far away from his as possible, please?!"
The next morning, over some porridge, orange juice, seed bites (for ratattas), chewy protein things (for totodiles), roast caterpie (for hoothoots) and leaves (for weedles), Chrissie met Joey. (The roast caterpie had been replicated, by the way, so no family of caterpies had to lose a loved one.)
"I like your hat," Chrissie informed Joey, in between spoonfuls of porridge.
"Thanks. You should get one; it'd go with your dungarees," Joey suggested.
"Evening, all," said Aureliano loudly, swaggering over to the long tables. (There were a lot of mouths to feed at the pokémon centre.) "Chrissie, got a riddle for you. What wears a blue hat and is a pathetic loser?!"
"Here we go..." Joey sighed.
"You've met him, then?" said Chrissie sympathetically.
"Met him, battled him, won, suffered..." sighed Joey.
"Bought the t-shirt," Ratatta agreed.
"Um, hello?! I'm talking to you!" said Aureliano loudly, snatching a plate of chips from a rather shocked woman. He plonked the plate between Chrissie and Joey, shoved their chairs apart, sat himself down and tucked in.
"Aurie... those were her chips! Honestly, I can't believe your unmitigated gall..." said Chrissie, rendered dumbstruck by Aureliano. "And since when did I know what "unmitigated gall" is?..."
"So what? She can get some more," said Aureliano, through a mouthful of fried potato.
"Those chips happen to be specially formulated to heal damaged cells," the woman pointed out, snatching back her plate. "Best thing there is for my breast cancer. Of course, if someone with healthy cells eats too many..."
Aureliano blanched. The woman, triumphant, went back to eating.
"...Anyway. Chrissie, got any new pokémon?" Aureliano asked.
"Yep. Introducing Variskor and Beatrice!" Chrissie declared, gesturing to the hoothoot and weedle, who waved to Aureliano. "Variskor wanted a worthy trainer, and me and Chloe proved I was worthy. Beatrice loves potato salad, so-"
"Not interested," Aureliano interrupted. "I, my young, pathetically tomboyish friend, have no less than five pokémon! Care to meet Darkfang?"
"Er-" said Chrissie.
"'Course ya do!" Aureliano shoved a couple of tables apart, knocking a few people over. The woman he had stolen from picked up her plate of chips and left without another word.
Aureliano retrieved one of his master balls and pressed the button. The usual massive flash of light and impossibly awesome sound followed, knocking over a few chairs and scattering food everywhere.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Nurse Joy cried, rushing angrily over to Aureliano. "This is a place of healing, shelter, companionship and free food, and you've done nothing but-"
"Don't care, ain't listening," Aureliano interrupted. "Behold Darkfaaaaa..." He looked down in sudden horror to see not an axew, but a small piece of paper. Deathly silent, Aureliano took up the paper and examined it thoroughly.
"Gone elsewhere. Refuse to serve a trainer like you. Not sorry," Aureliano read. "W-what?! I mean... how did he learn how to write?! Pokémon can't write, and even if they could, his hands were tiny! I don't know... pokémon these days seem to-"
"Don't care! Not listening!" snapped Chrissie, Joey, Nurse Joy, about ten more pokémon trainers and countless pokémon. Aureliano blanched even more.
"You've done nothing here but annoy people and make trouble, young Pyracardia," Nurse Joy clarified.
"I was just trying to show these numbskulls my new pokémon," Aureliano protested. "If you've got chairs and food that blow away with the slightest provocation, I don't see how you can call this place a pokémon centre. I'll bet you and your hideous chansies hide under the bed whenever a real trainer comes by, don't you?"
Chrissie put her head in her hands, then realised this might make it seem as if she was sympathetic to Aureliano, and so lifted her head again. Nurse Joy's fury was radiating off her- an Aura-sensitive person would have a headache by now- but Aureliano kept on ranting regardless.
"I mean, what if Lance came here to give one of his dragonites a bath? One swipe of its claws and there's a table gone! One little draco meteor aimed badly and the whole pokémon centre's on fire! Pathetic. What kind of a one-horse establishment-?!"
One of the chansies took Aureliano by the hand and set about leading him firmly to the door.
"You brought this upon yourself, you know," Nurse Joy informed him icily.
"Hey, now! Let go!" Aureliano protested. "This is a public building, you overgrown egg savant! I have a right to be here! You can't do this to me! I'm Aureliano Pyracard-"
He was thrown unceremoniously out of the door.
"Just a few technical difficulties there," the chansey said calmly. "Rest assured, normal service has been resumed."
In various states of shock and amazement, the crowd went back to eating, putting chairs the right way up, cleaning the floor, and so on.
Joey, completely bemused by Aureliano, looked at Chrissie. Chrissie, understanding, looked at Joey. Ratatta looked at Chloe, Variskor and Beatrice. Chloe, Variskor and Beatrice looked at Ratatta.
"Interesting kid," Joey finally decided. "A bit loud, though."
"I know... Who do you think this Darkfang was, then?" asked Chrissie.
"His axew," Joey replied.
"Oh. Wait, aren't they Unovan?" said Chrissie. "If there's one here, then..."
"It's all a bit weird," Joey agreed. "We'd better just ignore him."
"Fair enough," said Chrissie. She fell silent for a moment. "Are you going to Nastrambli Village any time soon? Only that's where I'm headed."
"Probably not," Joey replied. "Although, I hear there's this boy there called Snowy. He's a pokémon trainer, and he's always looking for worthy opponents. You might wanna see if you can find him."
"Snowy? Sure, I'll look for him," Chrissie agreed. "Oh, and, by the way..." She retrieved a pencil and piece of paper from her satchel, using the former to write a quick message on the latter, which she handed to Joey. "This is my phone number. If Aureliano gives you a hard time, call me, all right? Or call Interpol, whatever suits you."
"Interpol?! He's not that... well, thanks for the number," said Joey, accepting the piece of paper. He tore one of the pieces off and wrote his own number on it, clearing his throat. "We've just met, and this is crazy-"
Chrissie laughed, taking the piece of paper. "That song craze was over years ago! Not altogether sure how I heard it, actually."
"Nor am I," Joey agreed. "Definitely not after I got lost in a nightclub I was half the minimum age for."
Joey fell strangely quiet. Knowing better than to pursue the issue, Chrissie chugged down the remainder of her orange juice, rising to her feet. "Shall we go?"
"Okay," Joey agreed.
"Then let's g-"
Chrissie's eyes were suddenly drawn to Aureliano, beating in vain on the doors.
"Back door," Joey proposed.
Chrissie nodded. "We'll leave a "thank you" note."
~Ending Note~
As well as being a parody, this story will contain advice for pokémon fanfiction writers on how to not to end up writing about someone like Aureliano. My advice may not necessarily present all possible styles and viewpoints, but should help aspiring pokémon writers avoid common pitfalls, and give more experienced writers a bit of a laugh. Any experts who wish to advise me on my advice are welcome so to do. In any case, here are a few points of order:
Point of order the first: A pokémon trainer's first capture, besides the free pokémon a local professor gives them, will likely be a common pokémon. A ratatta, pidgey, sentret, starly, fletchling, lillipup, patrat, pidove, zigzagoon, poochyena, weedle, scatterbug, wurmple, purrloin or caterpie are the usual choices, and the battle between that pokémon and the trainer's starter will probably involve a straightforward exchange of simple attacks. It doesn't always end in success. Basically, the key is to be realistic about capturing pokémon, so far as realism fits your personal style.
It is possible to subvert the usual first capture: suppose Chrissie won the HM for surf in a raffle, taught it to Chloe, and captured the houndour she subsequently knocked out? Similarly, a newly-minted pokémon trainer who's taken a bit of time to study pokémon in general could capture a more powerful pokémon; whether that depends purely on strategy or on the bond they and their starter share is up to the writer's style. It's important not to go too far, though. Unless the story is extremely well-written, a pokémon trainer getting free master balls and capturing a team of pseudo-legendaries won't work, except in a parody (or if they're already an experienced pokémon trainer with a good reason to go capturing powerful pokémon willy-nilly).
Point of order the second: There are many arrogant and obnoxious pokémon trainers, true, but most know how to toe the line. If your character is supposed to be "good", don't have them act like an obnoxious bully; if they are an obnoxious bully, have them suffer the inevitable consequences. If Ash made fun of everyone who lost a battle to him, abused Pikachu, constantly teased Misty for being a tomboy and took Brock's cooking for granted, they'd probably ditch him and travel with Ritchie. No-one would find Ash appealing as a main character under those circumstances, hence why the animé producers endeavour to make him likeable and morally upstanding. Thus, be sure to give your protagonists a reasonable amount of good qualities. (What happens with too many good qualities is a whole different kettle of magikarps.)
Point of order the third: Pokémon trainers lose battles fairly often, unless they're Lance, Cynthia or Red. (Or Steven, Diantha, Alder, Iris, Wallace, etc.) For a character to angst over a recent loss as part of their character development is fine, but overdoing it or misusing the emotions will make the scene seem overdone. Losing should not crush the confidence of an experienced pokémon trainer or put a novice off for good, and, as I believe I have demonstrated, anybody who gets overly hung up about losing may seem rather petulant.