As I flew down to Savannah, Georgia, I reflected on the past six months with my mother. Those were literally the hardest months of my life. One month after my mom told me about her cancer, I flew down to be with her in surgery. She had a hysterectomy. We thought that it would allow the cancer to go away. But it didn't. In fact, it got worst. Soon, my mother was involved in aggressive chemotherapy treatments. Over the next few weeks, I saw my mom's weight drop and her hair fall out. Her appetite was gone and her strength was gone too. She didn't have the energy to walk along the beach. All she could do was sleep. When she was awake, she would lie or set up in her bed. However, she always had the energy to smile at me, talk to me, and sing for me.

Despite all this, I got really close to my mom during these six months. I was always at my mom's side, holding her hand, giving her water, rubbing her arms and feet that now had bruises from the treatments. Sometimes, I would even lie next to her in her bed like a little kid…. Just because she wanted me close by. I rested my head on the pillow next to her. I would listen to her tell me stories about her whole life, childhood, her marriage to my dad, everything. In every story, there was a message; and the message was to never stop dreaming, never stop loving someone. No matter how hard life got or how much it hurt, I should dream anyway, I should love anyway. This is how my mother lived her life. And I admired her so much for her.

My mother was the strongest woman I ever met. She had dealt with so much pain in her life. From a young age, everything was such a struggle. She was born to a young mother and was adopted by a really nice, wealthy family from Savannah. They raised her and her little brother, my Uncle Tom, there. Life was good until my mother was 11 and was diagnosed with childhood leukemia. For six months, my grandparents were living in a child hospital, scared to death that they may lose their little girl. However, my mom pulled through and the doctors told her that she was cancer-free. So, my mom settled back into her childhood, which was pretty awesome. She went to high school and college. Then, the day after her college graduation, she moved to Los Angeles and met my dad, which started another important chapter in her life.

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

My mom loved my dad, Henry with all her heart. In her eyes, my dad was the love of her life. How they met is pretty…..interesting, if I do say so myself. My mom had moved to California after college to become an actress and a singer. She was walking along Sunset Boulevard, upset over a failed audition. She was so busy dwelling in her disappointment, that she didn't realize that some jerk was lurking behind her. So, she got mugged. The dude stole her purse and everything. My dad, who was a cop, happened to be driving by with his partner. He got out and ran after the guy, catching him and locking him up. My dad walked by, seeing my mother, looking so sad. He felt sorry for her so he bought her a piece of pineapple upside down cake since pineapple was her favorite fruit. Apparently, the pineapple date turned to into another date and another and another and then…six months later, my dad got down on one knee and proposed to my mother. They married a year after that. Five years later, I came into the world and we all moved to Santa Barbara. My mom decide to give up her dream of being an actress and singer to be a stay at home mom and take care of me. When I got older and went to school, my mom worked taught drama at a local high school and singing lessons at a music conservatory.

At times, I wondered if my mom regretted giving up her dream for me. She could have been traveling around the world, making a lot of money, winning a lot of awards. Not stuck in Santa Barbara, teaching drama. I asked about that one day when I was 13 years old. She just smiled and kissed me my forehead. "Shawn Michael, I may not have a lot of money or an Oscar but I have something better, you" she said. "You were the biggest dream I ever had. And the dream of you and your dad coming true, the dream of the two most important men coming into my life was bigger and better than any dream of becoming an actress and a singer." That was just like my mom, sharing her feelings, telling me how happy I made her, telling me how much she loved me. And she said the same to my dad. She was such a romantic; she would out of her way to make me Dad feel special; cooking his favorite meals, leaving cute love notes around the house, calling him a lot just to say, "I love you." But my dad never said it back. He never told me or my mom that he loved us. Or that he was proud of us. And it hurt. My dad was really involved in his work; it seemed that he lost himself in police work and ignore everything and everyone else. Nothing seemed more important to him than being a cop, not even Mom & I.

FLASHBACK

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

My parents' marriage began to suffer as a result of my dad's constant preoccupation with his job. But things went from bad to worst when I was eight years old. My mom had so wanted to give me a brother or sister but had a very hard time having kids. In fact, before she had me, she had two miscarriages. We never knew why she had a hard time getting pregnant; maybe it was because she was sick as a child or something else. Whatever it was, it was hard for her to get pregnant. She finally did and told me on my 6th birthday. All throughout the next few months, we prepared for our new baby. And we were excited. I was impatient, too. I would go to my mom every morning and ask; "
Is the baby here yet? Am I a big brother?" Of course, I didn't know anything about pregnancy of anything but it didn't matter. I was finally gonna become a big brother. However, something happen. I'll never forget that day. My dad came to school and pulled me out of my math class. He drove me to the hospital. All through the drive, I was filled with excitement, thinking that he was taking me to see my new baby sister or brother. But it not what happened. My dad parked the car in the garage and looked at me with a hard, emotional-less face. And he said, "Shawn, you're gonna need to be brave. Your mother had a baby girl, your sister, Rachel Anne."

I was so happy. "I have a sister!!" I was screaming with so much happiness!!!

"Shawn Michael, stop!!" he screamed.

He sounded so angry that I shut up. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"The baby didn't make it," my dad said, not looking at me. "The baby died."

"What?" I asked.

"There were problems, when Mom had the baby," he said, still looking at the mass of cars in front of us. "And the baby was sick. And she couldn't get better. So, she died."

I sat in silence. I couldn't believe it. I had spent so long waiting, and getting pumped for a new sister and when I finally get one, she dies.

Dad turned to me and said, "Shawn, I need you to be brave. Your mother has been through so much. Don't cry, ok? Just be a man."

So, I was. My dad dropped me off in the hospital room because he had to go to work. Before he left, he said, "Abigail, Shawn's here. My mom will pick him in an hour. Watch him,." He said. With that, he left. I walked into my mom's hospital room. I saw her lying in the dark, the only light being from a faint lamp. I tiptoed, scared to death. My mom heard my footsteps and turned to see me.

"Shawn, my little boy," she whispered.

I was so scared. I couldn't even speak.

"Shawn Michael, please come to me," she pleaded.

So, I did. I walked to my mom and saw more of my mom's face. She looked so tired and sad. Her eyes were red and filled with pain.

"I'm so sorry, Mommy," she said.

"I know you are, sweetness," she called me. Please sit on the bed, next to me."

I saw the pain in my mom's eyes and it made me want to cry but I couldn't. I remembered my father's words. "Don't cry." But I did sit on the bed, still looking away. I couldn't look at my mom. "Why did baby Rachel died?"

"She was sick, sweetie," she said, stroking my hand. "And she couldn't get better."

I just sat there, not talking, not looking at my mom.

"Shawn, honey, why aren't you looking at me?" she asked.

"Because Daddy told me to be brave, to not cry," I said.

She turned me to face her and said, quite bitterly, "Well, that's your father. Be brave. Be strong," she mocked in a male voice. Then, she talked in her regular voice. "Don't listen to your father, Shawn. No matter what he says, just remember. It's okay to cry, sweetness." I heard my mom's voice crack and then, she broke down. I crawled into my mom's arms and felt her tears go on my T-shirt. I patted her back and told her, It's okay, Mommy. It's okay."

END OF FLASHBACK

And it was okay. My mom always told me it was okay to let my feelings out. But my dad disagreed. He felt it was best that I keep my feelings inside. And that's when things went really bad between my parents. After Rachel's stillbirth, my parents' relationship was nonexistent. Life threw them other curveballs. Just two months after Rachel's stillbirth, my mom found out she couldn't have any more kids. Then, my dad got shot in the line of duty a year later. A year after that, both of grandfathers died within a four months period. With all this pain and sadness, my parents drifted further and further apart. They became two different people. To comfort herself, Mom began going to church and singing in the choir. Dad became an atheist, always mocking her for going to church and Bible study. "Why do you bother going to church, Abigail? Huh? What's the use?." My father asked my mother, angrily one Sunday when she asked him to go with her. "Look at all the pain in this world, in this family. You think God cares? Well, I got news for you, honey., He doesn't!!!! If He cared, we would have our fathers, we would have our daughter."

That's how my dad felt and that's how he treated my mother. For the nest few years, my parents fought constantly. I would hide in my room, under the covers, trying so hard to not hear the screaming and yelling between my parents. One night, my mom would be mad that my dad missed an important school meeting for me or my mom would be upset that Dad wouldn't talk about their marriage problems. I was so scared. There would be times when I would stay over at Gus' house. That was my only safe haven, my only form of peace. And then, it happened. Two days after my fifteenth birthday, my mom came home to find a note form my dad, saying that he moved out and wanted a divorce. A month later, my mom was given divorce papers. Six months later, the divorce was finally and my mom moved out into her best friend's beach house. Other children of divorce may think that I was pout in the middle. But I wasn't. I tried to help both my parents but my dad didn't want my help. However, my mom always wanted my help. She and I began especially closer after my parents' divorce, even when she moved back to Savannah, Georgia when her mom died and left my mom her beach house. And that is what made my mom's illness harder for me to take, well m two things, A, my mom and I were so close and B, my dad couldn't have cared less.

It upset me that my father paid no interest in her illness. During the six months, that I spent flying back and forth to Georgia, my dad never asked about her or how she was doing. He never visited her with me. And it hurt me because I know it hurt my mom as well. Even though my parents were divorced, my mom still cared about my dad. I like to think he cared about her as well. I hadn't pushed my dad to see my mother but when I got the call from Nicole, the hospice nurse, telling how bad the cancer not was, I decided that I was gonna ask my dad to come with me to Savannah.

I drove up in Gus' car and knocked on the door.

My dad opened the door.

"Hey, Dad," I said.

"Shawn, what are you doing her and why is Gus sitting in his car?" he said. "Haven't I taught you proper manners?"

"No, Mom did," O said.

"What d you want , Shawn?" my dad asked.

"I want you to come to Georgia with me,": I said.

"No, Shawn, I'm not going with you, we've discussed this," he said, coming out into his porch with a cup of coffee.

"No, Dad, we haven't discussed this," I said. "Mom is sick, okay?"

"I know that, Shawn," he said. "She told me."

"She told you?" I asked. "When?"

"The day before she told you," he said. "We had coffee at the same place where we had our first date. And she told me everything, about her surgery, her chemo."

I stood there, amazed. "I cannot believe this," I said. "You knew about Mom being sick and you haven't paid her a visit?"

"No, Shawn, I haven't," he said. "Its best this way."

"it's best this way?" I questioned him. "My mom's sick, Dad, ok? I just got a called from her nurse, saying that the cancer has gotten worse and she could die any day." My voice cracked a little bit.

"You know what, Shawn?" he said. "If you gonna help your mom, you better be a man and suck it up."

"Suck it up? Suck it up?" I demanded. "This is my mother, damnit!! Ok, my mother is sick. I have been flying back and forth, taking care of her. Giving her medicine, walking her to the bathroom, holding a trash can she could throw up. And I always put my feelings aside, keeping it all inside just like you tell me. Keeping it all inside because my mother CAN'T suck it up cause she's crying all the time cause she's in such pain. But you wouldn't know that, now would you?"

My dad stood there, shocked at what I said. "Forget it, Dad," I said. 'I got a plane to catch."

With that, I left and flew down to Georgia. Although the flight, I thought about my dad. How could he do this to me? To my mom? I just couldn't comprehend it but I put it out of my head. I needed to prepare myself for what I was about to see and deal with.