I'm dragged to a room and I'm so shocked by what happened that I don't even feel cold until I feel a blanket wrapped around me. I turn to see that it's Portia. She's crying uncontrollably. "We have to prepare you for the interview now." She manages to say through choking sobs. It's ludicrous and my face must show it. I nod. This time the dressing up is harder than ever. Not even in my first Games, did it shake me up as much as it is now. I'm furious and terrified at the same time. If a revolution has truly begun, why do I have to wear a stupid fancy suit and look dazzling for an audience? Especially after what I just went through. I thought the Arena was torture, but no, the Arena was merely a blood bath with an ending in sight. I now realize that what I just experienced in that room was the beginning of arduous torture. It's going to make the Arena look like child's play, that this ordeal, however long it lasts is going to make me wish I was in the Arena. The thought makes me throw up.
I'm cleaned up, wearing make up to disguise the stress and wearing a fancy suit. Suddenly armed men escort me into a stage and there is actually an audience. I'm pushed on stage and I see him, I see Caesar who has a tense look on his face, there is no trace of a smile. He actually looks at me with fear. For the first time I feel like he's looking at me like a human being, which must make him very uncomfortable. The thought makes me furious now I feel bold and brave. I have no idea what the point of this is but I'll deal with it. At least, I am now aware that Katniss didn't betray me.
I'm not sure what the point of the interview was. Caesar insists on making Katniss appear as the manipulative woman that betrayed me, risked my life, and is now bringing havoc to an entire nation. I'm furious to hear him talk about her like this and I'm fiercely protective of her image. I quickly assess the situation. Even if I were to go along with this, it won't save me from the torture waiting for me. So I decide to join the rebels' cause that moment. It's easy really, all I have to do is be honest. I out maneuver Caesar, I take over the interview and tell the whole Capitol what it really is like to be a child sacrificed to murder for entertainment. I also tell them how much killing people has taken from me. I have the desired effect because I see people crying in the audience, some people even stand up and walk out, and I actually see Caesar holding back tears. Yes, no doubt he now sees me as a human being, not a prop or tribute for his entertainment.
After the cameras go out. Caesar actually reaches out to touch my hand and asks me if there is anything he can do for me. Normally I would be touched by this gesture, but I am reminded of the children he interviewed before they went on to their death sentences. I'm disgusted with him because he represents all of it, everything frivolous and deadly that is the Capitol.
"You can fuck off." I tell him. He winces as he hears me say this. Just then the men come and grab me and pull me to my feet. I'm furious now."Get your fucking hands off me. I'm going!" I shout at them. Caesar is startled and he actually looks worried about me. Back stage I'm handcuffed. I keep looking around to see if I see Annie or Johanna. I see Portia and Effie in a corner, they're crying and I hope desperately that they're okay.
I have no idea where I am going now. It turns out that I will stay in this building. I'm taken to an elevator and we go down. Suddenly there is a dark corridor that I walk down. A door slides open and I walk into a room that looks like a lab and an operating room. Then I see a table or bed, I notice the straps. It's a torture chamber, very high tech and sterile looking. Figures. Another door slides open, which surprises me because I thought it was the wall. Finally I see Johanna and Annie. As I step through the entryway, I step into my cell. It's triangular. My cell is between Johanna and Annie's cells. The only divide are metal bars, but we have access to each other. We can just reach through and touch each other. I walk towards the edge of the cell and Johanna embraces me. We hold on to each other for a long time. Then I feel Annie's arms around us. I turn to her and wrap one arm around her kissing her head.
"Johanna are you okay?" I ask her as I carefully touch her body knowing there are fresh wounds underneath the thin garment she wears.
"Yes." She tells me looking a little hazy. "They pumped me up with lots of morphling." She suddenly passes out in my arms. I'm terrified. I lay her down gently. Annie then checks her pulse, and her breathing.
"She is okay. As long as she's breathing." She says as she stares at Johanna. I'm shocked it's the first time she sounds coherent. "Is she Johanna Mason?" She asks me.
"Yes." I say to her. She stands up and walks away from us as she glares at her. She plops down on the floor like a petulant child.
"What's the matter?" I ask.
"Finnick calls her name in his sleep sometimes." She says resentfully.
"Oh, fucking great." I say aloud. "Annie don't worry about it okay." I stretch my hand out to her and she crawls to me and holds it. "Annie, we're going to need each other. Things are going to get really tough and I won't be able to help you. I mean, I will if I can, but we are all we have right now. This space here, will be our safe haven. Okay?" I tell her. She comes closer to the bars, sits down on her bottom and sticks her legs and arms through the bars. She pulls at me with her arms and legs and I let her. She manages to wrap her arms and legs around me.
"I like you Peeta." She tells me and she kisses my cheek through the bar.
"I like you too Annie, I'm your friend now. So is Johanna." I say to her and she smiles and nods and hugs me again.
That night we have a small ration of food. For some reason I can sleep that night without nightmares. Johanna, Annie, and I sit close together in our cells and feed off each other's warmth. I'm grateful for it. We're woken up by our respective sliding walls, we open our eyes to an uncomfortable bright white light. Men storm our cells and drag us. I look over at Annie and it's frightening because her eyes are so far away. Again, I feel jealous of her, how I wish I could disconnect. I'm lifted by my limbs and slammed on the metal table and strapped down. They begin, and I actually experience that disconnected feeling. It's as if all my senses are not communicating with each other. I'm hearing a terrible scream, I want to cover my ears so badly. What could possibly be happening to make that scream. The screaming is excruciating, is that today's torture, sound induced torture. Then it hits me, it's me I'm screaming, and then, the pain follows.
District 13 – Katniss
It's been a month and I want the room to cave in on me, I might as well be carrying the weight of earth above me, because I can feel it and I can't breathe. It's suffocating and I wish I really were suffocating. Every night I go to sleep and I hope that I don't wake up, because the pain in the pit of my stomach is too much. It took me about three weeks to realize that I was not experiencing physical pain really, there was a difference between the nasty gaping wound in my arm and the concussion inflicted by Johanna and the body consuming soul aching pain that I'm experiencing. It took me weeks to realize this. The doctors couldn't figure it out so they gave me a self-medicating catheter of morphling. I press the button generously because it does take the pain away so much so that I pass out from the high. Without a doubt, I'm abusing it, but I don't care. The moment I think of Peeta, dead, I want to die too. How do I live in a world without him? I fully understand now, just how much he means to me. Of course, I love him. I think of how I was able to be intimate with him, and it wasn't just to experience something new, it wasn't just curiosity. I wanted him, I desired him, he excited me, I felt passion for him because I always felt that way about him. But I didn't know. I once read that people used to believe in the concept of an afterlife, wouldn't that be wonderful, a place far away from Panem where Peeta and I can finally be together. Away from all this pain.
The nurse walks in and insists that I walk so that I move my muscles. I roll my eyes because I find it all so useless but I comply. I'm afraid that if I don't they'll take my morphling. I start to walk down a corridor in the medical sector of this underground District. I haven't seen anyone I don't even want to see my mother or Prim. I especially don't want to see my mother because I feel guilt. How harshly I judged her when she disappeared after my father died. I understand completely now. I can't handle feeling guilty on top of everything. For some reason Finnick is authorized see me without my permission, and he's always a sobbing mess. Nothing like the Casanova purring around in the Capitol. I had no idea he was so fragile. I don't care if he sees me anymore. I don't say anything to him. I overheard Plutarch say that Annie, his love from District 4, was also captured by the Capitol. Enough said, if he lost Annie, then we're even.
As I walk down this hospital hallway, Plutarch comes to me.
"Katniss, good to see you. I'm glad you're up and about." Plutarch tells me.
I just stare at him. If I wasn't talkative before, I'm mute now. I just stare at him.
"I'll just get to the point, I would like you to see Haymitch he's not doing well." He tells me.
I have something to say about this. "Good. Peeta is dead, I shudder to think of how he was killed and I feel like dying because Peeta is dead. Why should Haymitch be doing any better." I start to walk away from him.
"We don't know that he's dead." Plutarch tells me.
Of course the idea has crossed my mind but I have convinced myself that it's not a possibility. I walk back to him. "Shut up, don't you say that." I begin to sob uncontrollably. "Don't you realize that it's better that he's dead. If he's not here, and he's in the Capitol, he needs to be dead because anything else is unfathomable!" I say with fear. I can feel my heart racing and I feel like I'm going to have another anxiety attack. But then, I coil over in pain. It's a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. My knees give out and I hit the floor. Plutarch kneels beside me and tries to talk to me to ask what is the matter but I feel so much pain and it's spreading down between my legs. I scream out in pain. I reach my hand between my legs, through my flimsy hospital gown and I see it. I see blood pooling quickly down my legs and on to the floor. There is so much, and I pass out. I have a dream, likely because of the large quantity of morphling I have a very realistic dream. I'm in bed with Peeta, after we made love for the first time, I tell him that I bled because I hadn't had sex before. He's alarmed and he pulls me into the bathroom orders me to pee in the toilet because I may be injured. Part of me is loving this delusion because I can actually still feel him on me, how he felt inside of me and the blissful soreness that followed our love making. This time though, I look down and there is too much blood everywhere. Suddenly I'm back in the District 13 on a hospital bed and there is mask on my face. "Peeta." I whisper to myself and I pass out.
When I come back from the darkness that took me under I feel wretched. Plutarch is sitting next to me. I close my eyes again.
"Katniss? How do you feel?" He asks and he actually sounds genuinely concerned.
"Numb." I tell him. "What happened? Did I have surgery?" I ask.
"You needed a procedure." He tells me. "Katniss – I'm so sorry. We didn't think it was true so we never checked." He tells me nervously.
This makes me look at him. "I don't know what you're talking about." I say groggily and I really wish he would go away.
His eyes look concerned and he even winces. "I was afraid of that. Katniss – you were pregnant." He tells me and he doesn't know what else to say. I suppose he's waiting for me to say something but I can't process what he just said to me. I just stare at him, I'm horrified. "Did you know?" He asks. I nod no frantically. "I'm so sorry Katniss. We didn't know. We did an ultrasound to see what was causing the bleeding and the doctors saw.." But I interrupt him.
"Stop." I say and I close my eyes.
"You were only a few weeks along." He continues. "The trauma, the stress, and the medications… and you're so young... I'm sorry." He adds.
I feel tears run down my face. "Will you please leave me. I don't want you to tell anyone." I say to him.
"Aside from your doctor, President Coin, knows." He says to me. This strikes a nerve why does she have to know about my personal business.
"Go ahead and tell Haymitch too then." I order.
He looks surprised. "Katniss, he's in rehab, he's really struggling. I don't think he'll handle the news well." He tells me
"You tell him or I will and I promise - you will be kinder." I tell him.
"It's not necessary for you to be cruel." He tells me, he's actually judging me.
I glare at him and I wipe my tears because I want to be as merciless as possible. "He stood there and told Peeta that he was the son he never had. I can't think of anything bad enough to happen to him! Now get out." I order him.
He finally leaves closing the door behind him. I sit up and look down at my body. I'm assaulted by the memories of everything my body has endured, starvation, burns, fear, cold, stabbings, cuts, loneliness. Then I think of his kisses, his touches, his body. We made a life and I lost it. I also realize that I would have never wanted to have this child, especially not now and I feel grateful for the miscarriage. But then I get hit with a stabbing pain in my heart. I cradle my abdomen and sobs escape me. "I'm so sorry." I cry out and I cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up, I see Finnick resting his head on the bed asleep as he holds my hand. I notice that he's wearing a hospital gown. I stare at him. I feel grateful that he's there, I'm grateful for his quiet company this past month. Then I'm hit by what happened yesterday. I was pregnant, I was carrying Peeta's child and I lost it. The relief of the miscarriage hits me accompanied with stabbing pains of guilt for feeling this way. I start to cry and sobs escape my throat, resonating the sound. Finnick wakes up and he doesn't ask anything. He kisses my hand and squeezes it. I squeeze his hand back. When I stop crying we sit in silence for what seems like hours. Finally, I break the silence.
"Finnick, did Plutarch tell you what happened?" I ask him.
"No. I heard you needed medical intervention but they said it was standard procedure nothing risky. Is it true?" he asks.
I think of what he's saying. "I'm fine, but I'm not…" My voice breaks and my chin begins to tremble. I take a deep breath to compose myself. "I had a miscarriage. I lost Peeta's baby… our baby." I say crying now.
Finnick looks shocked and heartbroken. He climbs in bed with me and hugs me and I welcome it. I cry uncontrollably again. "I thought it was made up." He says.
Then I realize what he's talking about, Peeta told the entire nation that I was pregnant. I close my eyes and shudder at the irony. "He did, we made it up, but as it turns out I was pregnant. Plutarch told me that I was only a few weeks along, but they can't be sure. But I am, approximately 30 or 31 days, to be exact." I say sadly.
"I'm so sorry Katniss." He tells me.
I hear my hospital door open and I look in that direction. It's Gale and he suddenly looks frozen. He looks at me then at Finnick as he holds me in my hospital bed. I haven't seen him since the first couple of days when I arrived here.
"Gale – what are you doing here?" I ask gently.
"I wanted to see you, we're worried sick about you." He says looking teary eyed.
"Gale – I asked security not to let anyone in." I say sternly.
"What is he doing here?" Gale asks, referring to Finnick.
"I didn't know she didn't want to see anyone." Finnick says. "Look, Gale" he says cautiously "she needs some space right now. Please." Finnick tells Gale, with charm.
Gale glares at him and he's about to respond but I stop him. "Gale." I say softly. "I know you're here for me, waiting. I know it and I need you. I will. But I need space right now. Please. Tell mom and Prim that I'm trying." I tell him. Gale looks at me with a pained expression nods and walks away. I don't know how I managed to say that because I certainly don't mean it, I'm not trying and I don't want to try.
"Who's tall dark brooding and handsome?" Finnick asks.
"Gale." I say.
"I gathered that much. Is he the cousin?" He asks stressing the word cousin.
"Yeah. I mean no, he's not my cousin. But I don't want to talk about that. Do you know why Plutarch is hanging around my room every day and why President Coin is keeping close tabs on my medical records?" I ask him
"Katniss – you know why. They need you. We need you for this revolution. They want something from you." He says.
I nod. Then I gather the courage to ask. "Do you think he's dead?" I say to him.
Finnick stares at me. "I betrayed you by lying to you, by keeping information from you so I will never lie to you again, I swear it." He looks at the floor and takes a deep breath. "He's not dead." He says.
My heart hurts to hear him say it and I begin to cry because I believe it. "I want him to be dead. He has to be Finnick otherwise…" and I can't even finish.
Finnick embraces me. "I know it hurts Katniss, but I know that they're not dead because then Snow will have nothing over us. If they die you and I have nothing to lose."
"I can't stand the thought of him in pain." I say sobbing.
"I know." Finnick tells me. "Which is why we have to fight, win this damn war, take Snow down and maybe, they'll be left standing Katniss. I have to believe that." I hug him and we fall asleep in each other's arms.