Unfortunately, due to the busy schedule of assembling a team to fight the Collectors, the Normandy SR-2 was unable to dock at a station for Christmas. However, celebrations were taking place regardless, much to Jack's annoyance.
"What the sweet loving Fuck is going on with this ship?" She asked, as the elevator doors opened to reveal Kelly Chambers, Tali, and Grunt stringing brightly colored banners, streamers, and mistletoe throughout the mess hall. Joker sat at the table in the back mixing up a batch of eggnog.
"We're celebrating Christmas," Grunt said, looming menacingly over the scantily clad tattooed convict. "It's an ancient Krogan tradition to honor the glorious battles of the ancestors by stringing up a bunch of brightly colored bullshit all over the place and singing songs. I don't pretend to understand it, but despite the fact that I am the only Krogan on the ship, the rest of the crew has gone out of their way to make sure the rituals are performed properly. So If I hear you say one word about-."
"Uh Grunt," Joker said hesitantly, as Kelly and Tali made panicked 'shut up' gestures at him. "Christmas is an ancient human tradition."
Grunt turned to Kelly and Tali angrily.
"Well you see Grunt, the thing is," Tali started nervously, her visor fogging up a little.
"We needed someone tall to string the banners." Kelly finished.
"I still get presents later right?" Grunt asked.
"Of course, everyone gets presents." Kelly said cheerfully, "In fact I'm just about to go wrap mine."
"Well then, fine, I'll finish stringing up your stupid human sex plants. Just don't tell Wrex about this."
"Sex plants, what the dick-tits kind of holiday is this?" Jack said stepping over to examine the mistletoe more closely, just as Kelly started away to wrap presents. The two women collided and stopped. Everyone but Jack froze and stared at the leafy green plant hanging from the ceiling.
"Oh hell yeah!" Joker exclaimed, leaning back from his work of mixing the eggnog. "You know I had a dream about this the other night."
"The fuck is going on?" Jack asked Kelly, who was blushing furiously, but still looked quite pleased.
"You have to kiss." Tali said, "It's tradition." She adjusted her hood nervously. Keelah this is awkward. She thought to herself. Are we all supposed to watch, Joker's watching, but he wouldn't miss this for anything.
"Well," Joker said smugly, "don't let me hold you guys up."
"Fuck you twig bones," Jack said exasperatedly, beginning to blush a bit herself "This sounds like a bunch of bullshit."
EDI chose this moment to chime in from the overhead speakers. "Actually that assessment is incorrect, mistletoe is a valid tradition dating back to the-"
"Shut up EDI." Joker said, "I want to be able to remember this moment perfectly later."
Jack sighed, grabbed Kelly by the shoulders, leaned in, and planted a quick kiss on her lips before she could respond. "There, you wierdos happy, can I get a protein bar now." She said, as Kelly stepped back, looking slightly dissapointed.
"No Jack," Tali said, leaning back against the wall. "You have to do it nicely."
"Fucking kidding me." Jack sighed, stepping back towards Kelly, who hesitantly slipped her hands around Jack's waist and pulled their bodies together. Kelly gently kissed Jack, who responded by deepening the kiss and snaking her hand down to cup Kelly's right buttock. Kelly jumped a little, but swayed her hips forward to grind her crotch on Jack's leg.
A few seconds later they broke off, both breathing a little harder than normal and looking flustered. Jack suddenly wished she was wearing more clothes. Joker smiled broadly.
"There, was that good enough you fucking dicks." Jack demanded, her voice a little higher than normal. Kelly quietly left towards the crew quarters.
"Actually, there is no set standard for the type or quality of kiss to be rendered upon meeting someone under mistletoe." EDI stated factually.
Jack blushed a little harder, and Kelly was entranced by the way her reddening skin contrasted her tattoos.
"Nobody say shit about this to anybody. Joker, please tell me that contains liquor." Jack said, pointing to the eggnog.
"Yeah, goodish amount of rum, splash of ryncol, garnished with nutmeg." he said, pouring her a glass
"Good." She took a long swallow and sat down next to Joker. "So please tell me there isn't some weird tradition that I have to toss a salad now because I drank your stupid liquor milk."
"Nothing so intimate." EDI said helpfully. "Drinking eggnog offered by another is only a binding human contract of marriage."
Jack coughed and sprayed a large amount of eggnog across the table and shot to her feet, knocking her chair over.
"That was a joke."