I swallow the massive, throbbing lump thats been building up in my throat and try to say something, but find my vocal chords completely unresponsive. There's silence all around the square as a shocked and terrified little Prim is forced out of the crowd and begins to make her way to the stage, surrounded by peacekeepers in white suits.
Then Katniss gets a hold of herself and does what I was about to.
"I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!" She calls out. Her outburst is followed by a series of whispers, gasps and stares from the entire District. My knees inconveniently lock themselves as Katniss steps up, crossing Prim and climbing up the small wooden stairs.
Prim begins to weep and yell, and I finally get a grip of myself. I dig my nails into my palms to wake myself up and duck under the rope. I jog towards Prim and literally grab hold of the peacekeepers which have been trying to take control over her and throw them off. I'm not strong enough to hold her over my shoulder and I wrap my arms under hers and whisper in her ear.
Luckily the peacekeepers have chosen not to punish me for my disrespect and I manage to get Prim back into the crowd. She cries into my shoulder and holds onto my waist with all her strength. I watch blankly as the baker's son gets reaped, finally putting a name to his face and wait out the rest of the ceremony, thinking of what to say to Katniss when they give us our brief goodbye. Should I let her know what I would do if I were reaped? Give her tips for in the arena? Spend the whole time sobbing and crying into her shoulder or vice versa? Or maybe I should just remain completely silent- what would I want other people to say to me if I were just condemned to most materialistic, publicly humiliating form of death?
They are forced to acknowledge each other and Hawthorne's father takes to the stage again. He reads out the Treat of Treason and when he's done both of the chosen tributes are whisked off by some more peacekeepers into the justice building. I can feel more and more space between me and the rest of the girls, then I realize the crowds are beginning to disperse and its time to move.
I locate Mrs. Everdeen and hand Prim over to her. Her face looks so drained and lifeless, but mostly sad. Sad as though the birds will never sing again and the sun shall never rise another day. Sad because her eldest daughter is to be brutally molded and shaped for publicity before she is tortured and killed on live TV before the entire nation.
We make our way towards the justice building along with the rest of the district and it's sister, so to speak. All of a sudden a painful feeling sears through my head and my vision blurs. I crumple over, leaning against a wooden wall with my hands covering the sides of my head. I let out a groan, gently tugging on my own hair due to the pain and hoping that it doesn't fall out. I wait, woozy and disoriented until the pain stops and I have control over my senses again. I have no idea how much time I've lost but I sprint up the stairs two at a time. I run down the hallway towards the two doors guarded by peacekeepers. A few tall, clean blondes who could only be from town just exit the one on the right, so I know which one I need.
"I'm sorry, visiting time's over." Says the peacekeeper.
"Please, you don't understand. That's my- my best friend, you have to let me see her." I plea in assertive tone, keeping the shake away from my voice.
The peacekeeper opens his mouth to say no, but then realizes he recognizes me at the same time that I do. I've sold some turkeys to him one or twice.
Reluctantly, he lets me in and I fly towards Katniss who's sitting on a red couch, embracing her with all my weight. She stands up to greet me and we lock ourselves in each other's arms for a few seconds before breaking apart. Her face looks blank and surprisingly calm. I know I'm whiter than chalk and my forehead is creased with worry.
"Try to get your hands on something edible as soon as you can, but not from the Cornucopia. That'll only get you mixed up in the big fight, the careers will finish you before the first minute is over. You know the forest better than anyone, even if it's just a few her-" I begin to say but she cuts me off.
"You don't know the arena's going to be anything like the woods we have here" She protests.
"No, but they might be. Try to get a weapon, though. Sharpen a rock. Try for a knife. Make a bow." I stress, although I know it will take days and she probably won't make a very good one.
"My father was the one who made ours, Madge. How do you know there'll be wood?" She asks.
"They always have something ever since they found out all the tributes just died if they couldn't build fires or shelters. Besides, its food that's the real trick. You're a hunter, Katniss. That's much more than you can say about the rest. Hide. Hunt. Eat your food discreetly in a cave and store some water. You're a survivor. As long as you can do that and who knows, maybe, maybe..." But I don't bother to finish the sentence. Instead my eyes drift off to the area just above her right breast. The pale blue fabric is now pierced with a golden pin. It's a circle with a Mockingjay inside of it.
"Where'd you get that?" I say skeptically and feel bad that the only think I could give her in this moment are the very clothes on my back.
"Ga- Hawthorne. Hawthorne gave it to me" She says shyly as quietly, biting her bottom lip.
"Did he now?" I say coldly. I clench my fists at my sides, but decide to let go of my anger. I am not about to ruin what is probably my last minute together with my best friend.
I grab her by her upper arms and widen my blue eyes at her, an alarming sign.
"Don't let anyone feel sorry for you Katniss, promise me." I say in my assertive tone but my voice is still fragile. Just as we pull in for another hug, the peacekeeper barges through the door;.
"Time's up." He says frankly, but I'm not ready to go. I give Katniss one more squeeze and shut my eyes tight, only with a slight hoping that when I open them, this would have been a terrible, terrible nightmare.
But it's not.
Before I know what's happening, the peacekeeper grabs me by my shoulders and begins to pull me out.
"Take care of them, Madge!" Katniss shrieks violently, as though her life is about to end in one second rather than one week.
"Don't let them starve! Don't let them starve!" She cries, her voice sounding far too rasp.
"You know I wont! I promise Katniss, I won't!" I manage to cry back, my voice hitching as the peacekeeper finally wins the combat against my body and slams the door, obviously making a very clear point. He folds his arm against his broad chest the second he drops me on the carpet floor and glares at me.
I pick myself up and dust off the back of my dress, then turn on my heel and run back down the hallways and down the staircases, unable to take another second in this damn place. My breathing becomes ragged and I can feel the pain starting to creep back over my body. I don't stop running and coughing until my knees give in and I crumple over, reaching out with my hands and finding myself holding onto the net of the fence. The Fence.
My subconscious must have brought me here since its the only place I can go to get some peace and quiet. However, I don't risk going into the forest at this time and ruining the only presentable piece of clothing I own.
My heavy, shaky breathes rake through my body but I don't cry. I haven't cried since my mother died, and I don't intend to. I know people say crying is good and crying makes you a bigger person, but to me it's a sign of weakness. Tears are the residue of self-pity and sobs are the sounds of defeat.
I close my eyes and press my forehead against the cool metal, my fingers still lazily laced in between the metal wires.
Then it happens. I double over, falling to the ground on all fours like a dog. Before I can help it, I start throwing up. My palms dig into the cool earth and my heals press back against the ground. It's not like there'd anything in there to throw up, so it's mostly just stomach fluids which cause my throat to burn due to the fact that it is being stung by my own acids.
However, no matter how hard I try or what I think about, I can't stop. The gagging sensation doesn't go away and I'm covered in my own vomit. It's on the ground, on my hands, face and in my hair. I gag and gag until there's virtually nothing left when I hear a clumsy shuffle of feet behind me.
"Madge?" A deep, rusky yet gentle voice makes itself known.
I spin around immediately and sit there like a pathetic lump, covered in my own puke and staring up at Gale Hawthorne.
"What are you doing here?!" I stammer, shocked by his presence in this part of the district and this close to the fence.
"I followed you." He says cooly. He swallows before he speaks again, eyeing me down, taking in every filthy inch of me into his memory. I can't stand it.
"I saw you run and I thought your might-" He starts but doesn't finish. It's surprising, really. I can tell how out of his element he is, yet he remains confident and unafraid of me, a peculiar thing among boys. Must be one of the millions of perks of being the mayor's son- speaking lessons.
Then he does the strangest thing. He ducks down next to me and pulls out the handkerchief from his pocket. He reaches for me with his hand but I stagger and back and away within a fraction of a second, pushing myself against the fence like a pathetic beast.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He apologizes to me as though I'm a little child. Nonetheless, he extends his arm again, except this time it's an offering gesture. I stare at the luxurious grey material for some time before reaching out for it with my bony hand and wiping off my wrists. I clean my face and attempt to do so to my hair but there's no point. We stand up at the same time, locking eyes with each other as if there's no trust between us and we constantly need to monitor the other.
"Thanks..." I mutter sadly. I feel slightly bad about dirtying such a precious object, and awkwardly attempt to hand it back. He receives it without a second glance or a double take and stuffs it into the pocket of his trousers.
He's about three quarters of a head taller than me which means I have to look up, which starts to hurt my neck. A long time passes between us and the smell of sick is the air.
"Why'd you give it to her?" I blurt out before I can even think about it. It's been bothering me, and I have know.
"I just wanted her to-. She was my friend." He decides, looking at me with sad but not condescending eyes. They remind me of a young puppy who's just been separated from his mother.
"And you know, a friend of Katniss is a friend of-" And this time I cut him off, sharply.
"No!" I yell angrily. You don't get to talk about her! I add in my head.
"Katniss was not your friend and you and I," I spit angrily, inching closer to him and pointing my bony finger back and forth between us, "Are certainly not either!" I say through my teeth. Our faces are centimeters apart, but then I come to my senses and realize what I'm doing.
Without another guilty word, I turn around on my heal and run straight towards the heart of the Seam, hiding from his hurt eyes and never looking back.
I spend the best part of two hours lying in the tub in the bathroom which is really just a back room with an old tub, small mirror and two towels hanging on the door. The water went cold forty minutes ago but I can't bring myself to get out.
I'm staring at the ceiling, the sunken wood and the creases it holds. I like to think it stares back, because that way I'm not alone. I always had been, before Katniss. Now I always will be.
I'm not a friendly person. I get angry very quickly. I know that. I yell too much and I'm very insensitive, most of the time. Katniss was one of the very few people able to see past that, but I don't think anyone else in this district ever will.
But I won't want them to. Starting tomorrow, everyone in the Seam will stare at me with pitiful eyes. Feeling sorry for poor, pathetic me. The girl who lost her only friend, how fucking sad. I don't know how I'll be able to take it. I don't think I'll be able to watch Katniss in the arena and retain my sanity at the same time.
I also have to feed Prim and Mrs. Everdeen. Naturally, I don't mind, me and Katniss already agreed on this about a year ago. If one of us were to get reaped, we had to, under all circumstances, fight for their families.
I take a deep breathe and sigh. Then I do so another time but puff out my cheeks, squeeze my eyes shut and pull my entirety underwater, submerging by body and drowning my sorrows in the tub.
A/N: I hope you guys liked this one and that it follows up well! I kind of got emotional writing their goodbye scene, let me know what you thought!