And yes, Dumbledore's a big doosh-head for doing this.

"Hey guys," Edward said, walking through the door like he was a forty-year-old accountant with a nagging wife and seven kids. He paused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's…wrong," Carlisle said quietly. "Uh…Esme, why don't you tell Edward the news?"

"And take away that honor from Alice? I just couldn't."

"Oh, no, no, no! I could never…Emmett?"

"What news?"

"I'll do it, I'll do it," Rosalie said snippily. "Edward, Carlisle got a job at Hogwarts as a nurse. We're going to have to move there. Is that okay with you?"

"But what about Bella?"

"Who's Bella?" asked Emmett.

"Listen, Edward. You know she's always welcome to come if Charlie will let her," Carlisle said.

"Translation," Jasper put in. "She can't come."

Edward ran outside and cried like only a B-movie actor could. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted to the sky, falling to his knees. "Why? Oh, why?!"

"Because it's a great opportunity for all of us," Jasper put in unnecessarily.

Edward continued crying to the sky.

"Hey," Carlisle whispered to Alice. "What's going to happen if we go get some burgers?"

"Emmett's gonna throw up," she said.

"Excellent. Let's go." And so the Cullens piled into the car and went to Burger King. (Not McDonalds. I have a personal grudge against those guys… Okay, maybe McDonalds.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Cullens came back from their burger trip with Rosalie looking at her nails, Alice holding hands with Jasper, who was looking at her like she was crazy, and chanting like some cheesy fortune-teller, Carlisle was singing some freaky show-tune from a really bad movie, Esme was smiling like a psycho-idiot and staring out the windshield at nothing in particular, and Emmett was knocked out in the backseat with what was left of his burger all over his clothes.

Edward was still screaming in the backyard like the painting by Picasso at the top of his lungs, and he hadn't moved an inch since his family left.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dude, you haven't really been screaming all this time, have you?" Carlisle asked him in an attempt to be cool.

"No," Edward admitted, coming inside and dusting off his clothes. "While you were gone I went to watch Bella sleep."

"You know that's super-creepy, don't you?" Jasper asked him.

"What's so creepy about watching a person sleep?"

"You sneak in her house!"

"So?"

"Through the window!"

"It's a classic!"

"Yeah, for a cat burglar!"

"You're just jealous because I'm hot."

The Cullens stared at him for a moment. Then they all began talking to each other at once. "Oh, yeah. That's true. You can't deny it, you know."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"A dream is a wiiiiiiish your heart makes," Emmett began singing in a high, opera voice. "When you're fast asleeeeeeep!"

"Emmett, are you drunk?"

"What's drunk?"

"Never mind."

Okay, kind of weak, but there's not much you can do when it comes to just the Cullens. Once we get some Draco in here and some Ron and some Bella and some Hermione, and especially the totally-hip Harry Potter (and of course Dumbledore), things will probably get a whole lot funnier.

'Till then, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!