Shopping
by Master Clef
Finished: May 30, 2006
Shopping
Three bags full of children's toys sat on the coffee table. Conrad had come back with so much stuff Subaru couldn't help but worry he'd spent too much money. Coloring books, crayons, toy cars and trucks, several children's movies, a pad of drawing paper, and watercolor paints should keep Hige busy for the day while he shopped for clothing. He hoped.
At the table Conrad kept the boy upright while Hige ate a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Yet again Conrad had taken the day off to help him. He'd said nothing about what he'd confessed last night. He just smiled softly and started cooking soup for Hige's breakfast. Conrad had even convinced the boy to take his pills without much of an argument. He'd bled for Hige, apparently that made his word trustable.
Hige fit comfortably in Conrad's lap. Slurping his soup loudly, even sick, he looked the very image of contentment. Occasionally he would turn his little face up towards Conrad's with a big smile. He would receive a small echo in return, then he would return to slurping his soup and making a mess. He did not understand table manners, but he looked so cute covered in salad dressing and now in soup, neither had the heart to scold the boy.
Subaru's watch beeped. Ten o'clock. He rose and walked into the kitchen. Hige's wide golden brown eyes locked on him immediately. "I'm going out for a few hours; Conrad-san will watch you, Hige-kun."
The boy blushed. Subaru had given him his new name when he'd woke that morning. He had objected, liking his street name, but once Subaru had explained it had the same meaning, he'd taken to it. He'd been fascinated with what things were called in Japanese since. "Subaru-s-san?" He coughed. "Just one question, before you go?"
"What is it?" Subaru slipped on his coat.
"What's Conrad's name in Japanese?"
He blinked at the boy a moment. "Does your name have a meaning, Conrad-san?"
"Wise counselor," he answered without missing a beat.
Subaru mulled the possibilities over, most names were made up of two kanji characters, it would be difficult to get the exact meaning, but the thought could be eluded to. The most direct translations he could think of were Seitetsu and Kenja. Seitetsu… Seitetsu sounded too wrong. "Kenja." He nodded. "Kenja, would be… best, I think."
Hige smiled. "Kenja." He giggled. "Sounds funny."
"Does it?" Conrad patted the boy's head. "I rather like it… It has nice kanji."
"Shall I call you Kenja, then?" Subaru teased before he realized the words had left his mouth.
Conrad laughed; that soft sound filled the apartment. "I don't think I would remember to answer to it." He winked at Subaru from where Hige couldn't see. "Go to your appointment; I'll hold down the fort."
Nodding, Subaru put a hand on Hige's head. Staring into Conrad's brown eyes he said, "I should be back in a few hours."
"Take care." Conrad said too seriously.
"See ya'!" Hige beamed and hugged him.
Subaru left with a small smile on his lips that stayed with him to Dr. Hikari Ishida's office. Her office building stood in the center of Hamilton Heights. Her office was in the middle, on the fourth floor, down the right hallway. Cool creams and bright lighting greeted his entrance to the psychologists' office. Dr. Ishida worked in a group of eight other psychologists and psychiatrists specializing in depression. The doctor herself was a Japanese woman with light brown, almost blond hair. She dressed in a lot of pink, but it suited her personality better than darker colors.
"Good morning," She greeted him in Japanese. They had discovered it was more difficult for Subaru to express what he felt in English so they normally spoke in their native tongue. She waited patiently for him to acknowledge her.
Subaru bowed almost immediately. "Hello, Dr. Ishida. How are you?"
"Well, thank you for asking." She bowed in return. "Sumeragi-san, you look well today. Please." She gestured to her open office door, "Won't you share some tea with me?"
"Please do not trouble yourself for me."
Smiling broadly Dr. Ishida answered, "You are never any trouble to me."
Her office was not spacious but somehow managed to feel large. To the right of the door, in the corner was her desk, papers and schedule strewn across it. She had turned that corner into a nook, the back of her sofa had been butted up against the side of her desk. Kitty-corner to the couch was the chair. She used that for most of her clients. Along the right wall, in the corner furthest from the door she had placed her black-lacquered Japanese table, a cushion for two people on each side, one with the back to the right wall. The wall opposite the door, behind the table, she had tucked a small chest that held her tea supplies. The hot plate already had a steaming pot on it. Behind the honored seat hung a scroll. In beautiful kanji it read, "Trust in yourself." The first thing that greeted Subaru as he entered was Dr. Ishida's ikebana arrangement. The table stood opposite the door in the far left corner, just to the left of the windows. The sight of her skill never failed to amaze him. Effeminate, yet strong, graceful, and honest, it brought tears to his eyes today.
His hand hovered over the Man's blossom and drifted halfway up Heaven's stem. "This looks divinely inspired," Subaru whispered.
"Perhaps is was," Dr. Ishida bowed, "my skill is so small." A smiled stayed on her lips. They admired the arrangement in silence for another few minutes.
She touched Subaru's arm indicating he take off his coat. He draped it over the couch and sat in the position opposite the scroll, the seat closer to the door.
"Please, Sumeragi-san, you are my guest." She motioned to the honored seat.
Shaking his head he bowed, forehead almost to the ground. "I am too deeply indebted to your kindness."
"Not at all," she replied automatically. Knowing she'd been out-maneuvered, she went to her tea pot. If it would let Subaru talk easier, she would sit in the wrong place. Dr. Ishida poured him a steaming cup of tea. Her set of cups were green and pink with the good luck kanji painted in gold on the front. Subaru enjoyed going through this ritual every time they met. It made them both feel less homesick.
It had been extremely important for Subaru to find a Japanese counselor. America and Americans did not have destiny, they did not understand obligation, not as a way of life. Subaru could not simply 'get over' what had happened and be carefree now that he had left Japan and its culture. He had outlived his destiny, his purpose, his obligation. Everything in his life had been training for that moment, that fight. How could someone beside another Japanese understand what is was like to overstep one's own fate? After destiny …what was there?
"You were smiling when you came in," Dr. Ishida's voice brought him out of his reverie. "Forgive my rudeness, but did something good happen?"
"Yes." He told her how he meet Hige. How the stars had sang for the first time since Kamui had won. How the impact of the boy did not make him fall, but the force of their connection had knocked him from his feet. Even without the connection, he couldn't let the boy stay on the street. He was too cute to ignore. Dr. Ishida laughed appropriately when Subaru told her how the boy had eaten his salad and that he shook everyone's hand, proud to be called Whiskers. When he retold Conrad's meeting with Hige, even he had to smile at the child's innocence. Out of all things to not know when the boy knew so much already, he shook his head.
"Where is he now?"
"He is home with C-Conrad-san." He blushed.
"Oh?" She raised her eyebrows. "Is there something else?"
A lot of something else. Subaru swallowed nervously. He took a sip of tea, hoping to regain his composure. "What should I do, Ishida-sensei?" He stared into the green water.
"About what?" She asked softly.
It took two tries to say, "Conrad-san."
"A person you like?"
Subaru opened his mouth but nothing came out.
"A person you don't like?"
Again he tried to speak but could not.
Dr. Ishida smiled gently at him. "That's okay." She reached across the table to take his hand.
Overcome by panic, he shook under her touch. He held onto her as an anchor, unable to stop. His breath came in ragged grasps, but he managed not to cry. For several minutes the two did nothing but wait for the episode to pass. When it subsided Dr. Ishida set aside both cups and took his hands.
"Sumeragi-san," she smiled, "I'm very happy with how much progress you've made."
"Progress?" He whispered, confused.
"When you first came here, you had been completely closed off… you moved like a doll." With one finger she brushed his bangs from his eyes. "But now…" her smiled returned.
"I feel."
The doctor nodded. "Feel. Live with feeling. Please don't suppress them. I know at first you will be overwhelmed like just now," she squeezed his hand, "but don't give up. Keep trying. I know you can do it."
I died that day. "You have too much faith in me."
"You have too little. Your body is trying to tell you something, Sumeragi-san." She put his right hand over his heart. "You listen to it while I refresh our tea."
Listen…?
He could feel Dr. Ishida's attention withdraw, leaving him to contemplate. Listening to what my body is saying. What is it trying to tell me? He closed his eyes and breathed.
Listen.
Subaru stilled and emptied his mind. He followed the motion of breath through his chest. The rise and fall in time with his heart beating under his hand. He could feel it.
Doki. Doki. Doki.
Doki. Doki. Doki.
Still beating. Still alive.
Alive.
Could it be…?
How simple. He could have laughed. My body is trying to wake up my mind. I'm still here. I'm still here. I can't quit on me yet.
But for what am I still here?
Subaru turned to study Dr. Ishida's arrangement. Divinely inspired? I am stuck between Heaven and Earth. He nearly smiled. But I am here.
"What do I do?" Here, free of obligation …what do I do? His wide eyes met Dr. Ishida's smiling brown eyes.
"If I could suggest…" she slid his full cup in front of him. "Without seeming presumptuous… Be selfish."
"I couldn't do such a thing…" He objected automatically.
She laughed. "I encourage you, please, take care of yourself."
Subaru nodded, taking a sip of his tea. They sat in companionable silence until someone knocked on the door.
"Come in." Dr. Ishida called, rising.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," the secretary put her head in. Beryl's red hair cascaded over her shoulder. "But I don't want you to miss lunch again."
"Eh?" The doctor looked at her watch. "Is it half past noon already?"
"A quarter to one, ma'am." She waved to Subaru and left.
"Ah, please forgive me," Subaru bowed slightly.
"It's fine.." She waved it off. "I wish we could have discussed your friend too, but we've done enough for today. You did well, Sumeragi-san."
"Not at all—"
She stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "None of that. You are doing better. You have done well today. Please keep listening to yourself. And please, bring picture of Hige-kun next time? I would like to see him."
"I'm afraid he's ill, they wouldn't be good pictures of him…"
"When he's feeling better." A faint blush stained her cheeks. "I know I'm imposing terribly…"
"When he's feeling better…" promised Subaru.
"Take care of yourself."
"Thank you for today."
"Will I see you in two weeks?"
"Yes."
They bowed to each other several times. Subaru confirmed his appointment with Beryl. He took the opportunity to ask her if she knew where he could purchase children's clothing. She had picture of four children on her desk, none with red hair. Two with blond hair, one with white-blond hair, and another with brown. Perhaps they all took after their father. With a broad smile she gave him directions to the nearest shopping center. She even drew a small map.
She said it was on the fifth floor… Subaru took the escalators up, still elated from his session with Dr. Ishida.
Still alive.
Still alive, wake up and live.
He reached the fifth floor. It had been divided into three sections, boys clothing, girls clothing, and toys. He made his way down the aisles listening half-heartedly to the pop music playing over the speakers. Near the front of the store lurked several women with baby carriages. Subaru steered clear of them and their gossipy voices. The boy's corner had been designed for the children to shop in; the racks were very low so the children to pick and choose. Each rack only ever went as high as his waist.
Everything is so little… He picked up one shirt. It was nearly a fourth the size of his chest.
"Can I help you, sir?" A store clerk's voice made him jump.
"Eh?" He turned to see a blonde girl with tanned skin and sparkling blue eyes. Her tag read "Mihoshi." Sea of stars? Subaru wondered. How pretty. She was dressed in all black like the other store clerks. That seemed to be the uniform dress code in New York, everything had to be black.
"Sir?"
"Yes, please." He realized how little he knew about buying children's clothes. He wondered what size Hige was, what the boy's favorite color was. "I need to purchase a new wardrobe for a boy, but I do not know what size to buy him."
"Hmm…" Mihoshi rocked on her heels. "That could be troublesome. However, if something doesn't fit him, you can return it so long as the tags are still on. How old is the boy?"
"Hige-kun is six, maybe seven." Subaru gestured the boy's height. He only came up to mid-thigh. "He's just tiny."
Mihoshi giggled. "Kids generally are. But they grow. If he's six, he's too big for toddler's clothing, we should leave this section. If you end up buying something that's too big, it should be fine. Blink," she snapped her fingers, "and he'll grow into it, that's what my mother always says about me and my little brother."
Subaru let her talk. It was true, though. His grandmother had said the same thing of his sister and him. All they did was grow.
"So!" The clerk clapped her hands. "Let's get started." She left Subaru by the register's counter and swept through the department. Grabbing different pairs of pants and shirts she laid out outfits for Subaru's approval.
"Nothing white," he told her, handing back a shirt. "He likes color."
"Roger that." She disappeared only to return with several solid color polo shirts and striped tees. "What color is his hair? Eyes? Skin?"
"Brown, brown, and pale… but he's sick right now."
Mihoshi shook her head. "No, I mean does he have olive skin? Asian? Caucasian? Hispanic?"
"Oh." Subaru thought about Hige for a moment. "Caucasian," he decided.
"Okay." She put back two orange shirts. Mihoshi returned and arranged the clothes into different outfits. "How to you think these will look on him?"
"Good," he fingered the edges of the shirt. Brushing along the pant leg, "I don't know if these will be big enough for him, though."
"No problem." She came back with a larger size and two belts. "There we go."
He nodded. "Now, do you have anything to keep him warm? Sweaters or sweatshirts?" He thought about it a moment. "Socks and underwear and he should be set, I think."
"Don't forget pajamas." She chimed.
"Yes."
The register was located near the boys' sleepwear. Subaru looked through the racks of styles and collected five different two-piece sets. The boy was sick, he'd be stuck in pajamas for a while. The blue and grey camouflage set would probably be Hige's favorite. Subaru had picked out a racecar print, a sailboat print, one with little robots, and the last with dinosaurs. All little boys liked dinosaurs, right? He made sure to find a slightly larger size than needed. Subaru returned to the register with the clothing. He looked at the growing pile. He had never had anything like this when he was a boy. Maybe Hige would want something simple instead? Perhaps he should have brought Conrad; he had a more normal life than Subaru. Conrad had brought Hige toy cars, Subaru would never have thought to. He added the pajamas to the pile.
"Oh, beat me to the punch." Mihoshi greeted him with an armload of sweaters and sweatshirts.
"I feel bad, making you to all of the work. He's my son…" Subaru smiled at the thought just a bit.
"And you don't know what size he is?" She eyed him suspiciously.
"I just got him yesterday." Subaru protested.
Her eyes lit up. "You're adopting him?"
"Yes." He was surprised with how solid and sure his voice came out. He's been neglected, but… "I have him now. He deserves a real home." He said more to himself than to Mihoshi.
She gave him a watery smile. "Hence the new wardrobe." She laid a comforting hand on his arm.
Subaru only nodded. Hige had to have new clothing. He couldn't let the boy stay in his clothes; they swam on his tiny body. He certainly couldn't give the boy back the clothing he had been wearing. Those had been wrecked. Nothing Subaru did to them could get out all the blood and grim. Even the tags had been unreadable. In the end, Subaru threw them out, everything but the sneakers went in the garbage. Come to think of it, Hige would need a new pair of those too.
"What do you think of these?" She laid the sweaters and sweatshirts out. Together they picked two of each to go with Hige's new outfits. With that done, only two things remained to be bought for Hige. Mihoshi suggested that he buy three different sizes of underwear and to return them if they were too small. That left socks. He picked two packages. One with black, white, gray, and blue socks in it and the other with brown, green, and red in it. Subaru patted the pile, satisfied with the amount of clothing Hige would be starting with. Seven outfits seemed like a good start.
"I should find something else for him to do at home while he recovers." He looked toward the toy section. Something they could do together…
"I'll find you a cart." Mihoshi perked up and ran off for a minute. When she returned she placed a hold tag on the pile of clothes. "We'll leave this here with a tag so no one puts it back on us. Please tell me you didn't take the subway here."
"Oh, no. I have a car."
"Whew. Good, because this is going to be heavy." She waved him to the toy section.
Subaru wandered down the aisle for toddlers' toys. He avoided anything electronic, haunted by Satsuki's heartless obsession. No computers. No video games.
Why is it wrong to kill human beings?
Because we are precious. Subaru fell against the shelving unit, holding his head.
Why is it wrong to kill human beings?
Because each soul is precious.
Subaru couldn't breathe in air fast enough. He held onto the shelf, shaking.
Yuzuriha-san…
"Sir?"
It took a moment for Subaru to regain control of himself. "Yes?"
"Are you alright?" Mihoshi took his arm.
"Yes, I'm fine." He took a deep breath and steadied himself between the shelf and the cart.
"You look pale," she sounded worried. "Would you like to sit down?"
He smiled softly at her. "Thank you for your kindness, but please do not worry about me." The shaking finally subsided. "I'm fine."
Still alive.
"I'm afraid I'm going to need more of your help. I do not know American toys." He said to distract her.
"Sure thing! My younger brother is older than your son, but not by a lot." She chirped and tugged him down the aisle.
"Just… no weapons and no video games." He instructed.
"Roger that!"
"And something that can be done in a group, two or three people."
They made their first stop at the games section. Mihoshi pointed out several games her little brother Tenchi had loved. Mousetrap and Battleship were on the top of the list. Uno and Trouble followed. Subaru added Memory to the cart as well and they continued on. At one end cap Mihoshi grabbed a small boxed item and put it in saying, "Everyone needs a slinky." The next aisle had action figures.
"Oh… G. I. Joes and Ninja Turtles…" Mihoshi pointed to several figures. "They are really popular. They each have a television show. Transformers were really big too, the movie, though… Tenchi had cried at the movie."
Subaru couldn't believe it. "Cried? Why?"
She gave him a forlorn look. "They killed Optimus Prime. Tenchi was crushed." She sighed, brushing her fingers over an image. "But it's not all that bad. They are robots that change into cars that save the world. Boys love cars and moving parts."
Subaru considered the box and the age warning. It should be alright, if he kept Hige away from this movie, but… "I think I should wait, let him pick out things he likes."
"Sure," she didn't seem to mind at all.
"Perhaps… some books?" He asked. The only thing Subaru remembered doing as a child was study, practice, and pray.
"Roger that!" Mihoshi lead him to another aisle. "What's his reading level?"
"Reading level?"
"Yes. I know he's young, but some kids take to reading, other couldn't care less."
Hige hadn't known how to tie his shoes, could the boy read? "Something simple, I think…"
"The Clifford series is always a big favorite. Dr. Seuss and Richard Scary are also good places to start." She gestured to two units.
"Clifford the Big Red Dog…" Subaru read, lifting one thin, soft cover book out of its slot. Everyone likes dogs, he thought. He took several titles out, searching for the first in the series. There seemed to be a number of titles about sharing, making friends with different people, and kindness. He placed a dozen in the cart.
Dr. Seuss wrote irrational rhyming stories. He picked several and added those to the cart as well. The Richard Scary books seemed the most like a learning tool. There was very little story but every thing in the book had it's name written underneath it. If Hige couldn't read than these would be the most beneficial. He put one of each in.
A book of fairy tales caught his eye. He held it up to Mihoshi, "Do you think he'd like…?"
"Oh! Knights and dragons and adventure! That's the stuff little boys are made of." She winked. "Makes for good bed-time reading." She pointed out several other book for bed-time stories. "My brother loved Mike Mulligan and the Golden Book series… The Pokey Little Puppy, The Three Kittens that Lost Their Mittens…"
Mike Mulligan was a story about a steam back-ho that became a pillar for the building he had been helping build.
Devotion… Subaru nodded and added it to his pile. The Golden Books were lesson books on respect and looking after your own things. He added those to his cart as well. "Do you think… that he's too old for a stuffed animal?"
She leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "My brother slept with his teddy bear until he was nine."
"Then I guess we should find one for Hige-kun."
She nodded and pulled him to the land of stuff animals. "Something more masculine, though…" She walked right passed the pink unicorns and purple teddy bears with tiaras. "What about these?" She pointed to a shelf full of alligators, sharks, and lions.
"Hmm…" Subaru wandered forth.
"A noble steed?" She held up a white horse.
Or a dragon… He reached up and took a green dragon off the shelf. Dragons are good luck.
"Oh, Puff the Magic Dragon," she squealed. "Everyone loves him."
Subaru smiled at the friendly face and stroked his iridescent wings. Of course. He added it to the cart.
"Um… sir?" Mihoshi scratched her temple. "This stuff is going to cost a great deal of money. Are you sure you want to spoil him so much?"
Spoil? Subaru studied the now full cart. It didn't seem like spoiling him, the boy had nothing. But Hige would be very worried about what his payment would be for receiving all these things. Perhaps I should give him only one or two things at a time? He chewed his bottom lip. Payment… payment… Reading to me? Or doing the dishes? Or learning? If he wasn't so conscious of receiving something for nothing… When I received something as a child I gave my Grandmother a hug and a kiss. It wasn't until much later that the idea of paying her back came to mind. She gave me things out of love, how do I reverse his understanding? How do I teach him the easy lesson now that he already knows the hard one?
Sighing, he said, "You're right. Anything more would spoil him. You've been a great help, Mihoshi. Thank you for all your hard work."
"It was my pleasure," answered the clerk. "Please come back and let me know how you and your son are doing."
"When Hige-kun is well."
"Yes!" She smiled brilliantly. "I would like to meet him."
They walked to the check out where she had left the clothing. It took Subaru a moment to remember that total was in dollars not yen. Everything was indeed that expensive. It took two carts and Mihoshi to get everything to the car. Again he thanked her for her help. Embarrassed, she shook her head explaining she was just doing her job.
On the way back to the apartment Subaru debated on calling Dr. Ishida. She wasn't a child psychologist, but maybe she could shed some insight or have an idea on what to do for payment, but then Subaru arrived at the apartment building. He decided to just ask Conrad. He left the toys in the car. For now Conrad had bought enough to keep him busy for today.
A bag of clothing in each hand, he took the elevator up. Conrad had left the door open for him. All was quiet. The kitchen and living room were empty. The bags had disappeared and the toys laid open upon the coffee table. The painting supplies were on the kitchen table, untouched. The movies were also unopened, stacked on the side table.
Subaru dropped the bags of clothing on the easy chair. He emptied his pockets onto the table and hung his coat. He noticed that there were no dishes in the sink. The entire place still looked very clean.
Finally opening the bedroom door he found them curled up in bed. The newspaper had been scattered all around the floor. Hige had his head in Conrad's lap, the man stroked his hair. Conrad read the newspaper to him softly, "…unexpected delight in a witty style not unlike Tennessee Williams…, oh, welcome back, Subaru-san." Conrad smiled.
"Hiya…" came the sleepy greeting from Hige.
"I'm home." He answered them.
The End
A/N: Doki is the Japanese onomatopoeia for a beating heart, being Japanese Subaru would hear 'doki doki' instead of 'tha-thump'. About the conversation Hikari Ishida (she married Yamato Ishida) and Subaru had, I tried to keep them as Japanese as possible with their modesty and always dressing themselves down to people outside their group (ie. family and friends and co-workers are in-group members). So if it seems like Subaru denies what Dr. Ishida says to him, he's just being polite. It's understood that he agrees, but for the sake of modesty many of his answers are automatic denials, "oh, I've done no such thing/could do no such thing/that's not true ." In Japanese it's an all-purpose phrase, "Sonna koto dewa arimasen."