Author's Note: this one is fairly long and I liek it alot. But once again i tend tog et bored or stuck and it takes me awhile to come up with more. any suggestions would be great and reviews too!!
She rushed over to her closet and pulled out two of her heaviest sweatshirts then threw one at me without even turning around from her closet which she was now digging in again for her boots. At least I was already wearing my own set of boots because I could only remember her having one pair. I tried to stay as strong as she was and bit my lip furiously to keep from crying while I pulled on the sweatshirt and then placed the hood on my head. I was trying to hide my face because i figured it would scare most anyone i came into contact with, plus i didn't want Taylor to have to look at it any longer. I watched as she turned around but made certain to not let her eyes fall on me, of course she knew what would happen if she did, we would both fall apart. She pulled on her sweatshirt and boots as if she was in fast forward the whole time.
I shoved my hands into my jean pockets afraid of what they could be capable of otherwise. I stayed still and didn't lift my eyes from the floor as she ran out of the bedroom to the kitchen/living room in her tiny apartment. The next thing I knew she had a backpack strapped to her back and she was stumbling in the doorway of the bedroom again walking quickly right past me grabbing the handle of the door to the outside. I looked up from the piece of carpet I had focused my eyes on to see her pause and close her eyes, still with her hand resting on the handle. Slowly, as if it was painful, Tay turned her head towards me and our eyes focused on each others at the same time.
I felt the tears brim my eyes and I bit down harder on my lip tasting the metallic taste of my blood, but I couldn't hold them in they fell gently down my cheeks and I let out a quiet sob. I felt my whole body quiver as she took a step closer to me and in two seconds flat I was in her arms holding tightly to her like she was my lifeline. I breathed out a sigh but went right back to biting my lip after, I felt her arms tighten around my back and her chin rest on top of my head. I had always like that she was a little bit taller then me especially for this moment right now. " We have to go baby." She whispered to me gently and I gripped her tighter then let her remove my arms from her waist so she could look at me. She dropped her head a little bit and then said " Please don't hurt yourself." I realized she meant my lip and I relaxed my jaw. She swiped her thumb gently across my lip wiping the blood away then took my hand and squeezed it.
The next thing I knew I was sitting in the passenger seat of her truck squinting out the window trying to see through the horrible blizzard we were driving in. I shivered and hugged the sweatshirt closer to me, the truck had heat but my body couldn't shake the internal cold inside me. I glanced over at Taylor to see if she noticed me shiver but she was concentrating on the road or what little she could see of it. So I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them closing my eyes trying to relax my head and heart. I had started to chew my lip again but remembered Taylor asking me to stop and did immediately. Although it was no use my body jumped and quivered and my hands started to get restless without a constant pain to distract myself. My fingers automatically went to my wrist and I gripped tightly around it before absentmindedly starting to scratch up and down my arm under the sweatshirt. It's such second nature to me now that i hardly noticed when i was doing it but everyone else around me sure always did and either became worried or tried to ignore me, the freak who needed pain to survive.
Soon we had stopped outside her dad's house, I had no idea why she had driven us here but when we stopped I realized what she would see when she looked over at me. My whole forearm was beet red and I had managed to even make it bleed in a couple places. I went back to biting my lip when I felt her eyes on me and then on my arm. I heard her sigh but couldn't lift my eyes to her, I felt so bad for making her deal with this, making her deal with me. " I can't let you go inside like that. They'll attack you, if they ever saw what you were doing to yourself." I gasped for air like I had forgot to breath for a minuet.
" They don't even know me." I mumbled out without lifting my head still and clutching my arm tightly, wincing and enjoying the pain that seared through my arm. All of a sudden Taylor's hand was over my own and trying to release my grip that I had on my arm. I tried to hold on but she was too strong for me and took my hand and held it with both of hers. I kept my eyes focused on the blood smeared on my arm.
" It doesn't matter Jen, and they do too know you. Especially Mimi, she loves you but her heart is very set against what you are doing. She'll be concerned but angry and I know how much that hurts and in the state your in, I can't do that to you." I shook my head as tears brimmed my eyes, I didn't want to cry again.
" I don't understand. Why did you bring us here?" She sighed in frustration and I knew it was because I wasn't making eye contact and that annoyed her but I just couldn't bring myself away from my arm.
" I figured you would be safe here. I mean your family doesn't know where this is, they do know where my apartment is. I didn't expect you to well be this bad and not be able to even handle the drive over." A sob found it's way to my throat and Taylor looked quickly back at me at the sound of it. My hand was still in hers and I clutched to it trying to remain strong and tear less.
I felt her thumb rub over the top of my hand gently trying to comfort me the only way I was letting her. " So what now? Do we just sit here and stare at the house?" She sighed again and without a word opened her door and got out then closed it. I stayed still staring at my arm and put my hand back over the cuts gripping them tightly again. Then my car door opened and I felt Taylor's arms around my waist lifting me gently down out of the truck until I was standing in front of her. I stayed completely still staring at the ground, gripping my arm.
Again she fought for me to let go of my arm then slid my sleeve back down over the cuts gently. Before I could grip the sleeve to my arm she held my hand tightly at her side " Your gonna have to make eye contact in there. I know your a very good actress so please just do this for me, I'll try to keep people from talking to you to much." I bit my lip again but then stopped and took a deep breath then slowly lifted my head to look into Taylor's eyes. She smiled weakly at me and squeezed my hand then started to drag me towards the door of her father's house.
Taylor opened the door slowly so not to make that much noise and pulled me through with her. We both started kicking off our shoes when I heard Mimi's voice and cringed. Mimi was Taylor's grandmother and sort of dating my grandfather, and had fallen in love with me as quickly as Taylor had which happen to be a total of two days or less. I really did love Mimi but I knew Taylor was right when she said Mimi hated things and people that made mistakes like mine and usually was very harsh through her concern. I prayed that Tay would be able to protect me from Mimi finding out about the battle scene on my skin. " Taylor, Jenny what a pleasant surprise!" She was too cheery for my mood but I lifted my head slowly and managed a fake smile, the one I used everyday for my own family. Taylor grabbed my hand again probably figuring she couldn't let go or I'd go right back to my arm and she was probably right. Then she pulled me up the stairs to where Mimi was standing smiling at us.
Taylor hugged her but then wrapped an arm around my waist so Mimi didn't try to hug me. " Hi Mimi, where is everyone?" I watched as Taylor scanned the living room for her dad or step mom but no one was in there.
" Oh well Ellen is upstairs resting and your father is still at work I believe." Taylor nodded at Mimi and a awkward silence kind of drifted over us. Then Mimi turned to me " So what are you girls doing here? Couldn't possibly be just to visit me." I looked to the floor and pushed myself closer to Taylor as Mimi look expectant at me. I usually was a chatter box so she had a right to be confused but I had a feeling she wasn't gonna let it go.
" Oh Mimi you know we love visiting you but actually we just needed to use the computer room." Taylor spoke up for me and I could hear the don't ask anymore questions tone in her voice but Mimi wasn't a quitter.
" Is everything alright with you two? Jenny your being rather quiet today, is something wrong darling?" Another question for me and I felt my whole body quiver under Taylor's arm and this time I couldn't make the shaking stop. I couldn't stop myself from biting my lip nervously and painfully. I knew I wasn't being the good actress Taylor had thought I was but the fact was I never had to act because my parents just ignored me. Now I was being confronted and I could barely keep myself standing.
Taylor's arm tightened around me and she stared down her grandmother like she was already furious at her. " Mimi everything is fine we just need to be alone for a second. I promise you nothing is going on that you don't know about." Taylor's voice was even louder this time and very much mind your own business. After that she made a quick exit upstairs toward the computer room pulling me along at her side, not letting me go.
Once in the computer room she let go and then closed the door and turned back to me. I was still shaking staring at the floor with my hand again clasped to my arm tightly. " Are you okay?" She sounded really concerned like she had felt my fear for Mimi as well. I shook my head no still staring at the floor and gasped when she wrapped her arms around me tightly. Shocked I stood completely still but slowly warmed up to her and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. " Everything is gonna get better. We just have to figure out what to do to make it that way first. The first step to doing that is telling me how it got this bad." Taylor stepped away from me to look into my eyes and I slowly brought them up to meet hers. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and felt more on the way and squeezed tighter to my arm breathing out when the pain hit me. Then I backed out of her arms and sat slowly down on the computer chair. She stayed where she was standing, just looking at me expectantly obviously waiting for an explanation.
" I can't, I really, really can't." I mumbled before sobs wracked my body so hard I was gasping for air. Taylor sat on the floor in front of me and pulled both of my hands into her own. I knew she was trying to give me strength but I couldn't, everything hurt to much. My hands subconsciously started to pull away from her so I could scratch my arm but she wouldn't let go. I felt my hands start to shake and then my body shivered and I looked up pleading with my eyes for her to let go. She shook her head at me " No Jen, I know it's hard and it hurts but let talking about it be the same. Let that be your way of getting it out, not hurting yourself."
I bit my lip and looked to the floor again and took a deep breath. " Everyone I thought loved me hates me. They feel embarrassed of me and never want to be seen with me. They all just think I'm a big mental case that's a pain in their ass." I choked over my words but I got them out and after I didn't feel any better, I felt worse. I held tightly to Taylor's hands and cried hard sobbing loudly. Without a word Taylor pulled me up and sat me down next to her on the love seat in the computer room. She pushed my head gently against her chest and held it there stroking my hair as I cried.
The one thing I loved about Taylor is that she didn't lie to me, she didn't tell me I was wrong even if she saw the same things I did, she just found another way. " Who gives a shit about all of them then? I fucking love you so much and I have no idea how they couldn't. I think your the most amazing kid I know and you know what? You deserve every bit of love you can get. That's why I love as hard as I feel, I never have to hold back with you." I griped tightly around her waist relived that some pain in my arm was happening when the cuts pressed to Taylor's waist. She stroked my head again and I let more tears fall.
I sat up with a jerk when the door to the computer room slammed open. Taylor had turned her head quickly and I did too and there standing in the doorway was Mimi. I couldn't hide, tears drenched my face which I'm sure was beet red and a sob escaped my lips at the sight she was probably seeing. Then when I glanced to my arm I realized my sleeve had been pushed up and there for Mimi to see was several cuts and scars. " What the hell is going on in here!?" Mimi yelled not taking her eyes away from my arm. I was frozen in fear of what would happen and couldn't make myself pull the sleeve back down.
Taylor made me nearly jump out of my skin when she stood up quickly and raised her voice in an angry tone I had never heard come out of her. " Get the fuck out of here Mimi! You have no business busting in on us like this." Taylor's eyes were furious and stared right into Mimi's but Mimi stared right back with the same intensity. I stood slowly and backed myself into the farthest wall with tears still falling freely from my eyes and sobbing as quietly as I could. When I hit the wall it made a thump and Mimi's eyes left Taylor's to stare right into mine. I couldn't brake the stare I had with her and I sobbed loudly as if she was hurting me by just looking at me.
My hand was tightly clasped over my arm again squeezing as hard as I could, digging my nails into my skin. Before Taylor could stop her, Mimi pushed Tay aside and headed right for me taking about four steps until she was in front of me. I was cornered and I couldn't see what Taylor was doing because Mimi was to tall and blocked my sight of her. Mimi ripped my hand off my arm and held it tightly in her own, restraining me to a point where I thought she would brake my hand. " What the hell have you done to yourself, you idiot!" I tried to pull my hand away from her but she just held tighter to it making me cringe. Then I heard Taylor's voice and her struggling against someone I couldn't see.
" Let me the fuck go, she's hurting her! Can't you see it hurts her to be touched like that." I looked back to Mimi and my body quivered as she grabbed my arm with the cuts and brought it closer to her face. She gave it a look of disgust then through it back at my side but remained clutching my other hand.
" Well I don't hear an answer young lady? Shouldn't you be explaining yourself right now because you better have a good fucking reason to want to do this type of shit!" I closed my eyes tight this pain was to much, it wasn't her crushing my hand it was the feeling of hate and disgust. It seared right into my skin through my bones into my heart and burned as if someone had lit a match on my chest and held it there. Again I heard Taylor yelling but couldn't make out the words she was saying my ears were full of roaring flames. I felt as if I was burning from the inside and I felt Mimi put her burning hand on my shoulder trying to shake me and I screamed in pain.
I started to struggle and scream for help as fire consumed me and pain held tighter to me. Then I was on the ground, Mimi had let go in fear and I fell right to the floor trying to breath through the burning sensation that had taken over my whole body. Then I felt warm hands, healing hands. They were everywhere, touching my face, arms, legs, and stomach. Taking the pain away little by little.
I blinked my eyes open and saw Taylor's face very close to mine on the floor. She was saying something but I couldn't quoit hear her yet, the flames were slowly dieing out though. I sat up slowly and wrapped my arms tightly around her and laid my head on her chest crying and choking on my tears. Then my hearing came back and I heard her say " It's over now, it's going to be okay. I love you Jenny, I love you and I always will. You're okay now." More tears fell but they weren't tears of pain so much anymore but of relief. I looked up slowly and noticed Taylor's dad staring at us concerned and then I noticed Mimi. She stood behind Taylor's father but stared at me with cold eyes that made me shiver in Tay's embrace.
Taylor followed my eyes and landed on Mimi as well. " I thought I told you to get the hell out, leave her be." Mimi stared coldly at Taylor but turned and left, Taylor's dad following closing the door after him. I looked up and saw that Taylor's eyes were now on me again and I held tighter to her scared she would let go soon, but she didn't. " Are you okay baby?"
I nodded slowly and she pulled me up off the floor and then sat us back on the couch. She wiped some of my new tears then settled back into our position of my head on her chest right near her heart. " What happen? You have to explain what you felt, you really scared me and even Mimi." At the sound of her name I shivered but then snuggled closer into Taylor's warm embrace.
" She really hates me Taylor. I didn't know that this would make her hate me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Sobs wracked my body even more and I gasped for air. " I don't know what's wrong with me Taylor. It was like my whole body was consumed in flames and when Mimi touched me it was the start of another new fire. I swear that's not even a metaphor it hurt as much as I imagine being engulfed in flames would feel." My hands shook under Taylor's as I remembered the pain that had seared through my body a few minuets from then. I looked back up at Taylor's face and noticed she was biting her lip now, only it wasn't as hard as I bit mine.
" I'm kind of confused but I guess maybe you just are really sensitive to hate. What I don't understand is what made the fire within you stop. It was like the moment I touched you, you relaxed a little. It couldn't of just been my touch." I sighed and gripped tighter to her remembering that feeling as well, the feeling of her warm healing hands on my burning body.
" But it was you Taylor. The moment you touched me it was like you took the fire away. Your hands were healing me. I don't know how you did it but you took the pain and hate away the moment you were beside me, telling me you loved me. How did you know it was hurting me when Mimi touched me?" Taylor took a deep breath and then looked at me seriously.
" I think we are connected more then we know. I felt my heart ache the minuet Mimi confronted you. When her hands were on you it just felt wrong and your face screamed pain besides."
I woke up still on the love seat, only I was alone now. I sat up quickly my eyes scanning the room for Taylor but she was gone. My whole body quivered at the fact that I was alone and I held the blanket someone had laid over me tightly. Just as my hand reached my arm and started to rub over the newest cuts, the door opened. I must of jumped about a foot in the air and looked petrified because Taylor's eyes immediately were on mine and I could see she was concerned. " I'm fine, you just scared me." I said as calmly as possible there really was no need to start today off with more concern.
Taylor smiled at me and sat down next to me on the love seat. I turned so I was facing her directly and she took my hand in hers. " How are you feeling today?" I looked away from her eyes and bit my lip then took a deep breath.
" Confused and a little scared. Last night I mean I have never felt anything like what happen to me. I don't want it to ever happen again but I have feeling it will."