I originally intended for "Gray" to only be a post-ep one-shot, and maybe my only story; but I enjoyed writing it too much to stop so soon, and the reviews it got inspired me to keep going. So, I decided to continue and add two more chapters. This one is the transition between chapter 1 and Deeks' conversation with the boys that will happen in the third and final chapter. I appreciate anyone that keeps giving this little excursion into the world of writing fanfiction a chance, and really hope you like it. Again, reviews, good or bad, are much welcomed. *I don't own anything, I'm just showing my love for my favorite show.*
Every morning the blonde man woke up full of strength and courage that this will finally be the day he opened up about his past; but with each mile he got closer to the mission his conviction wavered. Every night he promised to himself that the next day would be THE DAY. When he would tell the guys all the truths about his past sins, when he would share his darkness, vanquish his shadows and hopefully slay his demons.
And this morning… Was no different…
He woke up ready to face the music, feeling confident and on top of the world, or at least on top of this emotions. But… By the time he took a shower, he thought about the guys' reactions to problems concerning him in the past… By the time he ate his breakfast, he remembered the way he was treated at LAPD… By the time he got into the car, he recalled the face of his father telling him he would never be good enough and how he was destined to always be alone. Ultimately, by the time he got to the mission, all his courage was gone and he was left feeling unsure and alone, even with his princess by his side. Sometimes love didn't conquer all, and sometimes the shadows were stronger.
His night was no different… After a moderately okay day at work he left the mission with his ladybird at his side around 6 in the afternoon. They decided to have dinner on the beach for a change, as usually those escapades happened only on the weekends. Their dinner was quite, both looking at the ocean and lost in their own heads. She knew something was wrong but wasn't sure how to address it, and thought that sometimes space was the best medicine. Going back to his night, it really was no different. He again promised himself that the next would be the day, time to man up and stop sulking in silence. He went to bed full of strength, closed his eyes full of courage and lost consciousness full of hope.
His first thought as he opened his eyes the next morning was today… won't be the day. His demons had visited him during the night, and had selfishly stolen all his newfound positive feelings away. This morning at least he didn't fool himself: he took a shower, ate his breakfast and got to the car full knowing today wouldn't be the day. Maybe his father was right, and he had been a coward all along. He wasn't a superhero with no cape, he was not a knight, he was not a king, he wasn't even an agent…
By the time they got to the mission the woman with the mismatched eyes couldn't take it anymore, she knew he was hurting, she knew he was in pain, and more importantly, she knew he needed help. He needed her help. But right now was not the time, they had to get through the day… together (hopefully like every day in their joined future), but tonight they would talk. She could already picture him blowing her concern off, trying to joke his way out of opening up and attempting to use his charm to get her to stop pushing. But she was determined to be his savior; she had promised to never let him go into battle alone, and today was her opportunity to prove it.
They left the office around 7 this time, and he tried convincing her to have dinner at the beach again. Any excuse to visit the ocean, after all that would always be his safe haven. Now she fought an inner battle: she knew they needed to talk, in private preferably, given the delicate subject and potential for disaster of the conversation; but she also knew he needed the comfort the ocean provided.
Maybe if they had the conversation near the water he would react better when she breached the subject?
She ended up accepting, but proposed to change the chosen beach for one she knew was more deserted at night. Of course she didn't tell him that, to him, she only said she needed the change. He suspected something was up, but maybe he was just being paranoid, and he didn't like to deny her anything, so he ended up relenting.
By the time they had their food and she was pulling him towards the loneliest picnic table on the boardwalk, he definitely knew something was up. But it was already too late: the cards had been dealt, the battlefield had been prepared and his execution was set. At least that's how he felt. He wasn't sure what was coming, but he had a feeling it had something to do with the events that transpired a few days ago. And he wasn't ready to face the music.
They ate their food in silence, both enjoying the comfort the sea breeze provided and silently preparing for the conversation that would follow. When the plates were cleared and the table was cleaned he made a move to stand up, but she grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down onto the bench.
She took the deepest breath she ever remember taking, grabbed both of his hands, and look at him directly in the eyes.
He drew in the longest breath he ever remember taking, closed both his fists, and look directly at the ground.
Years ago she would have been offended by his reaction, but now, after all the things they had been through together, she took it for what it was: sadness, insecurity, and fear, so much fear.
She again took a deep breath, trying to breathe in all the courage that had been instilled in her by her father and all the years as an agent. With the sweetest voice she could muster she finally spoke the words that needed to be said, "Baby… what's going on? You have been acting strange for days now, and I know it has to do with what happened with Whiting and Bates…"
"…Or maybe it is about Boyle…" At his silence she decided to keep going with what really was in her mind and what she really believed was the problem, or at least where the problem really had its roots.
At the mention of that name, he gasped as if physically punched. He closed his eyes and felt the walls closing on him. The cards were on his hand, the soldiers were in the battlefield and the ax was raised above his head.
She took in his reaction and knew that her arrow had hit its mark. Now she needed to wait, give him time to compose himself, and hope for a voluntary response. If not she knew she had to push him, or he wasn't going to lose this battle against Whiting, or Bates but to the ghost of Boyle and himself.
Boyle… Boyle… Boyle…
The name echoed in his end as he struggled to breathe. He thought he was over what happened that night, it was a skeleton buried deep down in his closet, but skeletons had a way of crawling out during the worst possible times. And this particular skeleton was carrying with him a baggage of other equally terrifying memories.
A punch to the face, a kick to the ribs, and another, and another… A familiar bastard… A scream, more screams, his mother crying… A shotgun… A bang… Running, a door, his bed… A gun… Another bang… Blood… More screams… Red and Blue flashing lights… More screams… A car ride… A hospital… And darkness… Or the light at the end of the tunnel?
A decommissioned power plant, a Serbian bastard, a proposition… His real name, the fear, the realization… Two guns… His last breaths… A punch to the gut, and another, and another… A joke… Another punch… A picture… The truth… His knees on the ground… The end… Or a new beginning?
A hillside, a kiss, abandonment… A pool, this time a Russian bastard, a friend in need… His sacrifice, the keys, the water… Saving said friend… The car ride… A chair, ties, a stained door… The fear, the end, memories of a chess game… A question, a metal device, a drill… Screams… Blood… And more screams and more blood… Please let this be the end… Or the change that he so desperately needed?
He continued to struggle to breathe as his mind was assaulted by old demons, bringing all his nightmares, past and present, to the forefront of his mind. He closed his eyes and focused on the good things he now had: his partner, his girlfriend, his fiancé… The guys… The wonder twins… He realized all he had circled back to NCIS and it terrified him that all that could be taken away in a second, by Whiting, by Bates, by Mosley, by a bullet (which would be more merciful), and ultimately, also by the ghost of a miserable bastard.
He often wondered what would be his last straw, his final nail in the coffin, his ultimate undoing. And his response often came in the form of a bullet, or an explosion, or maybe if he was lucky through retirement, little mutant ninja assassins and a family. He never thought he would fall to a ghost, be it his father, his ex-partner or anyone else.
When his mind seemed to be caught in an infinite loop of fear, misery and nightmares, he was brought back to reality by arms encircling him. She pulled him to her and he buried deep down in the embrace. She didn't say anything, just held him and acted as if she wasn't noticing the way his shoulders were shaking or the silent sniffles that could he heard in between the sound of the waves.
Without realizing or making a conscious effort she started tearing up as well. Her tears came from a different place, not brought upon by terrifying ghosts but by a different kind, but definitely ghosts nonetheless. They came from the familiar feeling of lost… She had lost her father, her ex-fiancé, her ex-partner, her only military connection to her father and now she felt as if she was also losing the only person that had managed to put all her broken pieces together and had made the pain of those previous loses more bearable. But unlike those preceding experiences this time she could do something about it, there were no guns, bullets, psychological or physical illnesses involved, the battle wasn't over and she could still be the decisive factor, the game-changer so to speak.
"Baby, talk to me…" she eventually whispered. She had given him time, to think, to feel, and to accept, but now came the moment of truth, the one that would define them, and Kensi Blye was not a quitter and she was determined to win. "Please, let me in…"
"I… I can't…" He didn't even made an effort to look up, he just remained in the same position, lost in thought, lost in his past, and lost in his nightmares.
"Please Deeks, all in remember, no more secrets, we're in this together, let me in…" She insisted, still with a sweet voice, trying to give him all the opportunities to open up and snap out of whatever was bringing him down.
"I… really can't… Maybe, Hetty was right all along…" He sounded so broken and it brought up a fresh set of tears to her eyes.
"Hetty? What are you talking about? What does Hetty has to do with anything? She… She's not even here, we haven't seen her in months." She was confused now, and really needed her partner to trust her or it would be impossible to help.
"You don't understand, please just leave it there."
She was starting to get angry now, her Deeks was not a quitter, and she was determined to rescue him from the darkness of his mind. "No, I don't understand Deeks, but how am I supposed to if you won't even talk to me. Please, let me help you, let me in…"
"I don't even know where to begin… It's just too much… I can't take it anymore," his voice broke at the end and she was assaulted by memories of a time some years ago: a door, Chinese food, a pastry baby, a cat pillow, a movie, sleep and a love story. That memory instead of bringing her down gave her all the courage she needed to rescue him from his demons, if they had managed to come back from that, they could fight and overcome anything… together.
"Just start from the beginning… What brought this up?" She tried to encourage him to talk, given him a clear question for which hopefully he would have a definite response.
"You know that, Whiting and Bates… And Boyle," he whispered, his voice getting even lower at the end, as if scared just to mention the name, as if just a name could really hurt him.
"Baby, look at me," when he didn't move she pushed him slowly away and held his face with both her hands, raising it so he would look at her in the eyes.
When he didn't respond, she dropped her hands and looked down, she really was at a loss now.
He stood up and walked towards the beach, and after leaving his shoes where the sand started, made his way into the water. He looked upwards at the moon, allowing its brightness to shine some light into his darkened mind, took in the cold of the water and allowed it to wash away his feelings of worthlessness and eventually turn around to look back the picnic table and to the light of his life, allowing the sight to vanquish the last of the demons away.
After taking some deep breaths and enjoying the water on his feet for a little while longer, he made his way back to the boardwalk and his ladybird, determined to open up and let her in as she requested. He knew she was only worried about him but he was still scared that his shadows would turn off her light forever.
"Hi…" he said with a half-smile, some red marking his cheeks and embarrassment present on his features.
"You good?" was her only response. She still wanted to know so she could help him but if he wasn't ready yet, she would take it and just silently continue to support him.
But, to her surprise he ignored her question and went straight to the point. "I'm sorry… I trust you, with all my life and all that I am. It all started with Whiting's blackmailing me a couple of days ago. I was scared when I got her text, thinking that if I didn't managed to achieve what she wanted, it could be the end of me… of us."
She didn't say anything when he paused, allowing him to let it all out and not wanting to make him back away again.
"When the day ended we had that conversation and it helped, the next morning I felt like myself again, like the surfing and your presence washed the fear away. But, then Callen and Sam started asking about it the next day, I wanted to tell them, to finally let the secret out, but I didn't have the courage. When we got back to the mission and they keep insisting they had our backs, I promised myself I would tell them soon, after all they deserve to know what they are defending me… us… from."
At this point she decided to ask the only question that was on her mind, "that's all right baby, and totally understandable, they deserve to know… So, what happened?"
He look back at the ocean as if begging it to give him strength. "Every night I promise tomorrow will be the day, but then the night brings back all the terrors, and each morning I'm too much of a coward to go ahead with it…"
She hated to hear him speak about himself that way, Marty Deeks was a lot of things but a coward wasn't one of them.
"Deeks, listen to me. You may be cheeky, a smartass, an occasional pain in the ass, and many other things, but a coward will never be one of them, you're the bravest man I know."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He tried to joke, to be his usual self, but he wasn't really feeling it. He decided for once in his life this was not the time for jokes but for the seriousness he always ran from. "If I really am the bravest man you know, why can I trust my own team with something that happened so long ago? Something that I brought upon myself."
"Bravery is not the absence of fear baby, you more than anyone should know that. It's just learning to act even in the presence of it. And I have it on good authority you have done that many times in the past, so why is it different this time around?"
"Hetty…"
"And now you lost me again… I don't understand, Hetty? Why Hetty?"
"It's something she said, when I was arrested the first time around."
"And?" she asked when he made no move to continue.
"After you guys arrested Steadman, when we were at the marina, do you remember I went to do something before I met you all for drinks?"
"Yeah, I remember." She wasn't sure where he was getting with this but she allowed him the time to tell his story in his own way.
"I went to the mission… I only wanted to be alone, to remember the place and to see everything I was really close to losing…"
"So, you wanted to punish yourself?"
"Maybe, I don't know. The point is, I wasn't alone. Hetty was there. I was sitting in the stairs and she, in her best ninja fashion, came at me from behind. She told me she knew about Boyle and what she did about Quinn. She asked me why I did it, and I told her the same thing I told you… To protect Tiffany."
He again stopped, but this time she decided to wait and not ask any more questions. After a couple of minutes gathering his thoughts he managed to continue, "I asked her why she didn't tell the team the truth and she responded it wasn't her story to tell. I thought she was forcing me to tell everyone, that it was my history and my news to deliver, but…"
"But?" She encouraged him to continue.
"She then said she didn't believed it was my story to tell either. At that point I was confused, thinking she was just toying with me. I mentioned not telling you about it, and her response… her response was that she found out that secrets are much easier to keep when you have no one to share them with…"
Years of undercover experience were the only reason she managed not to display a reaction and she could only muster a four word response, "do you regret it?"
"What?" He looked confused now.
"Telling me? This? Us? Do you regret it?" She sounded uncertain now. Thinking maybe pushing him to talk hadn't been the best idea.
"No… No princess. You're missing my point. I don't regret anything. Well, only not telling you sooner. What I meant is that what she said might be right, but I'm far way from applying to it, because I already have people to share those secrets with."
She hugged him and kissed him slowly on the lips, breathing in his scent, and taking it all in, because for a second she thought he was regretting their thing.
"Then tell them baby, I'll be there with you every step of the way… As I told you the first time Whiting contacted you after she was shot, you are never alone, and as long as I live you never will be."
"And that's why I love you," was his immediate response, full of love and gratitude as usual. But then, returned the doubts, "but… what if they don't agree? What if they can't work with me anymore? What if I lose them?"
She grabbed his hands and squeezed tightly, trying to reinforce the strength of her words with a physical action, "we have all done things we regret in the past, both undercover and as ourselves. No one is going to understand more than them. You're family Deeks, not only to me but to them as well."
"How can you be so sure about it? Sam the big bad ass ex-Navy Seal, the same that could barely stand me so many years ago, and who's all about teamwork and family, accepting that I killed my ex-partner? Callen, the man who has always looked for family and belonging, a man who can school his features in any situation and never lose his cool, accepting that I lost control and killed a man?"
"Oh Deeks, you're not giving yourself enough credit. You say Sam is all about teamwork and family, but then what do you call what you have done in the past? Shooting your own father to save your mother and preserve the only sense of family you both had; and taking a brutal torture to save Sam and his family? You're all about loyalty Deeks, even if you can't see it right now… And are we talking about the same lone-wolf Callen, the one that was tased by Hetty because he couldn't keep his cool?"
This time he was the one left looking for the fault in her statement, because she certainly made a compelling argument.
"I don't know if this will help or not, but I might… kind of… have told Nell about it, and she, not ever for a second, looked differently at you."
"You did what?" He tried to hide his discomfort at her news.
"I'm sorry, I was worried after we found your truck and phone with no sign of you or Bates. I mentioned the LAPD had things they could use against you, and we shouldn't allow that knowledge to get out. She has the highest IQ on the team, I'm sure she was able to put two and two together."
He remained silent, making her think that he was angry at her, but then she saw his eyes, the window to his soul, and only found the same love and devotion that was always present there when he looked at her. "She didn't say anything about it, but I saw in her eyes that she was ready to do whatever we needed, to fight for us, to fight for you… She's a good ally to have in our corner, and I know the guys will be too."
He opened his mouth to respond but no words came out, so she took his new-found speechlessness to keep driving her point home, "the only way you can truly be sure is by trying, if not, you will always wonder what could have happened if only you had decided to trust them." He was still quiet, so she took the opportunity and ran with it, "and baby, I have known them for a lot longer than you, they will understand. You're family, we're family. And they will do anything to protect family… Just as we both would do anything to protect them, in fact we already have."
"Okay baby…" he said, still sounding uncertain.
"Deeks, I'm not forcing you to do anything, but I do believe not telling them this truth is eating at you. Fear is normal, just take it as a sign you care, as the sign that what you said is right, and that you finally have someone to share those secrets with. Someone to share the burden with."
She then decided to stay silent, she had pleaded her case, tried to get to him in many different ways and now the only one who could make the decision was him. The only certainty she had was that whatever he chose she would be there to hold his hand and support him through whatever shadows he had to walk in… She would be his flashlight, his sun, his moon and stars, she would keep being the light to his darkness, because that was also her only way to move forward. Maybe he didn't understand, but she would always need him, as much as he knew he needed her.
After the woman finished her final argument, she opened her arms and the man went right in. They held each other for a while longer. Both breathing in the other's scent and engraving it to memory. Both quite confident in the comfort the other provided. And both knowing that together they could overcome any darkness, they just had to stand up and make the decision to keep fighting.
A little while later, at a moment in the time that if asked later the man wouldn't be able to point out, all the planets aligned, the starts shined brighter and he knew everything she had spoken had been right. A couple of days ago he had mentioned that the situation could be worse, after all he could be in the inside of a cell… But, he was not, and he was determined to use that time wisely. He would trust his family and not allow a ghost to destroy everything he had managed to create for himself.
The man pulled away and looked at the woman directly in the eyes, determination shining in his and relief evident in hers. He then put his hand on the table and whispered the words… "Together?"
She didn't even have to think about it, she put her hand on top of his and resolutely replied "together…" She couldn't not add her favorite words, just to reinforce the point, "all in."
"All in" he repeated, pulling her up along with him, kissing her on the forehead, and starting to walk towards the car; hand in hand, in the same way they had managed to cross their frozen lake in the past, and how they would now cross this new lake encased in darkness.
No more words were spoken that night, at least not for strangers to listen. The next words that came out of their mouths were just for each other: small reassurances of love, and sweet nothings just to make the other giggle. That night the man went to bed content in the knowledge that finally the time was right, and the woman closed her eyes knowing that she would be with him every step of the way.
I actually wrote this last week but I went through a period of self-doubt the past few days and this remained untouched on my laptop. I realize that posting an update is a bit scarier than just what is intended to be a simple one-shot. I again loved writing it, and I again hope someone gets to enjoy this journey I'm putting my favorite character through… Thanks so, so much for all the support, it really means the world to me and gives me the courage to keep fighting my own shadows of insecurity and to keep writing about the show that brings so much joy into my life… Thank you :)