*11:30, Emiya Residence*
Assassin Number 9: Hey Everybody! It's been awhile! Well, it's been awhile for this fic at least. I've been working on some other fanfictions and I could never really think up a nice, chaotic chapter for this fic. Plus, I had to give Saber some time to heal her wounds…and Lancer-kun and Proto!Lancer-kun as well. So apparently, it seemed that the Berserker playing video games idea was the most popular, so I'll be writing that one! So, enjoy Part 1 of Walkthroughs with Berserker-kun!
Shirou: Assassin! I have to stop this fanfic!
Assassin Number 9: No you don't.
Shirou: Yes, I do.
Assassin Number 9: Fine then. Tell me to stop it.
Shirou: Stop this fanfic now.
Assassin Number 9: No. Why do you want me to stop it anyway?
Shirou: Because, you are going to destroy all of Fuyuki City if I don't.
Assassin Number 9: Well, this is Festival Phantasm. Also, I'm not listening to you anymore.
Shirou: ASSASSIN!
*12 o'clock PM, Diarmuid and Saber's apartment*
Diarmuid's IPhone started to ring. The raven-haired man looked up from the food he was making. He looked at the phone and saw that it happened to be Shirou. "Hello?" he greeted.
Saber, who was staring at both her boyfriend and the cookie-dough simultaneously, wondered what the call could be about. Diarmuid seemed to be busy and seemed to not be paying attention, so she got up from her seat and reached for the big spoon that sat in the dough. Reaching out for the spoon, she felt a slap on her wrist from behind her. Dammit, she thought. So close. She had been caught in the act.
"Don't leave the apartment unless you want to get fatally injured again. Assassin is writing another chapter", he warned. He must have hung up right when she was reaching for the cookie dough.
"WHAT?! ASSASSIN!" The sound of Assassin's evil laughter could be heard inside Saber's head. That along with "You cannot stop a fanfiction author from writing fanfiction, especially when they're crack fanfictions!"
*12:12 PM, Ilya's Castle (no, not the mini game)*
"D-Dammit! D-Dammit! Why can't I finish this damned level?!" Ilya yelled on the top of her lungs. "Damn you Assassin and your stupid writing! Gosh, I can't wait till next chapter where YOU'RE put through hell and have to write the Tiger Dojo and all of Taiga's movements!" she yelled to nowhere.
Suddenly, she thought of something. If she couldn't defeat the level, she had someone who maybe, just maybe, could. "Berserker!" Loud footsteps could be heard coming from Tokyo. The door opened and in popped the huge Servant's brain. "Berserker, you better get ready because you're going to learn how to play 'Fate/Unlimited Codes'! And then, you're going to beat the boss's ass to a pulp! You got that?!"
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRR!" Berserker yelled…rawr-ed?...screeched…um, sure, let's go with all of the above. What? Nobody said that the narrator couldn't have brain-farts! Anyway *clears throat*, thus it began WALKTHROUGHS WITH BERSERKER-KUN!
"IT'S STARTING!" Ilya yelled. "Hehe, Assassin may be able to stop me from passing the last level on my game, but she can't stop me from saying stupid Carnival Phantasm references."
*Stupid Intro Song That Only Someone Who Would Be On Crack Would Write (You choose which song)*
*12:30, Ilya's Castle (still not the mini game, that chapter is coming up soon. Don't worry)
"Alright Berserker, so what you do is…is…is…WAIT A DAMNED SECOND! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY FATE/UNLIMITED CODES, ASSASSIN?!" Ilya yelled in frustration.
"What would make you think that I would know how to play it? And, I just thought I should tell you Berserker is still in the doorway", Assassin's voice echoed from the loud speakers that weren't even there.
"Berserker! Come on! We need to beat the boss!" Ilya commanded. At her order, Berserker entered the room. There was a loud bang, and Ilya could see that nearly the whole entire wall had been broke. "Eh, I'll get that fixed later. But right now we have much more important matters to take care of, we need to beat the boss! Let's go, Berserker!"
"RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!" the Servant….the Servant…the Ser-ah fuck it; let's just go on with the stupid crack-filled story.
Illya grabbed the controller off of the floor and handed it to Berserker, who took it into his huge hands. "Alright, first we need to teach you how to play it", Ilya said. They then spent the next two hours trying to teach Berserker how to press buttons. After the end of the second hour, Ilya had had enough of the nonsense. "THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK AT ALL!" she yelled in frustration. Berserker groaned in disappointment. After three long hours, he still couldn't press a button.
Suddenly, the game started playing. "Huh? Berserker-", Ilya started to say, but when she turned to the big guy, he was playing the game – and actually pretty good too. Ilya's mouth dropped to the floor when she saw Berserker miraculously getting perfects on the game. "Ahh! Yes, yes, yes, you got it, Berserker! The next time you play a game we should record it and put it up on Youtube!"
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRR!", Berserker (insert whatever verb to describe what he did that you want) in agreement.
"Haha, this is better than watching Shinji get beat up…okay…wait….no, nothing's better than watching Shinji get beat up, especially when it's by Dark Sakura", Ilya stated, being so happy that even Saber Alter would be scared.
Perfect after perfect, Berserker played the game amazingly. It was a miracle. Maybe Assassin-san wasn't going to be that bad today. Maybe she would let Ilya finally be happy. But what Ilya didn't know was that Assassin-san could be a huge douche bag sometimes, and she had no idea on what was coming.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Berserker, you're going to defeat the boss! You're going to be that damned fake priest!" Ilya yelled in happiness. Then, something happened and the screen went black. Ilya and Berserker froze. "ASSASSIN!" Ilya yelled into the sky.
"I just wanted to beat that damned priest! Why does Assassin-san have to be the author of this damned fanfiction?!" Ilya yelled. Berserker just watched her as his little Master threw her tantrum. "I'm not having a tantrum, you stupid narrator!" Hey, I'm just doing my job. I'm a narrator; I only say the truth and Ilya-san is definitely having a tantrum right now. "Damn narrators and their stupid 'I only say the truth' nonsense! Huh? Berserker, what are you doing?" Ilya asked her Servant, as he picked her up and put her on his gigantic shoulder.
He then exited the castle and walked through Fuyuki City to wherever it was he was planning on going. Ilya didn't question, because she knew it was kind of useless asking an insane Servant on where he was going anyway. She looked at him in confusion.
Crunch, she heard. She jumped realizing that the crunching sound was the sound of human bones cracking. Ilya turned behind her and saw Shinji squished into a human pancake and started laughing, just like everybody else around who could see the scene.
A little bit after that, Berserker finally stopped. Where Berserker had taken her surprised her a great deal. They were standing outside of the church where Kotomine, Caren, and Ko-Gil/Gilgamesh lived. "Why did you take me here, Berserker?"
Without answering (or trying to answer), Berserker set his Master on the ground and went into the church. Ilya just stood there in astonishment. Suddenly, screams of pain and agony erupted from inside the church. The screams lasted for about ten minutes and then out came Berserker holding a very frightened and injured Kotomine.
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!" Ilya smiled when she realized why Berserker came here.
"Aw, Berserker you came all the way here so you could torture Kotomine in real life just for me? That's so sweet! This is the best gift ever!" Ilya exclaimed in happiness, while Kotomine just cradled his knees in Berserker's large hand. "Come on, Berserker! Let's go home", the white-haired girl said while grabbing onto her Servant's free hand. Berserker once again (insert verb here) and threw Kotomine into the church creating a huge bang. The two then walked happily back to the castle.
*2:30, Outside the Church*
"Hmm, now let's see. Master wanted me to come here and give a letter to Caren- huh?" Axer questioned noticing the mass destruction that somebody had left at the church. Axer wore a plaid shirt and blue skinny jeans with black sneakers.
She looked a little to her left and saw Kotomine sucking on his thumb and rocking back and forth. She stared emotionlessly at him for a few moments. "What the hell happened to you?" she finally asked the priest. Kotomine took his thumb out of his mouth.
"My worst nightmare happened", he stated, as he continued to rock himself. The Servant just stared at him.
"That's just lovely. Also, give this to that demon, I mean child, of yours for me, will you? Thanks. Have fun getting over that nightmare", the woman told the fake priest before leaving. "Ah, I see…who's bright idea was it to let Assassin write this story?"
*2:45, Emiya Residence*
Assassin Number 9: Well, I hope you enjoyed the story everybo-!
Shirou: Assassin! Just because it's Shinji and Kotomine getting hurt doesn't make it right to write this fanfiction!
Assassin Number 9: Excuse me? Do you want me to-
Shirou: I don't care what you do, it's still not right!
Assassin Number 9: Well, okay then. GAY-
Shirou: ASSASSIN!
Assassin Number 9: BULGE!
Shirou: Gh-!
Assassin Number 9: *Gasp* Is-is it really true? People do actually die if they're killed? Oh my goodness! Anyway *makes kitty-face*, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Remember to review and leave new ideas for me to write! Have a WONDERFUL day!