This is another one-shot independent of the first one but still fits the title and description.
I had the 'slip of the tongue' right from the start, but the ending to this one almost drove me crazy. I've rewritten it at least 3 times; the first ended up being along the same lines as the last chapter of Running on Empty prompting the first rewrite. Another just didn't seem to want to flow to a satisfactory conclusion. Still not sure I'm 100% satisfied, but I found something I can live with and it's time to move on to the next one-shot.
It had been a crappy morning all the way around.
Andy had made it in early for a change and she was happy that for once she wouldn't be running into parade at the last minute. But before she could reach the locker room, Luke had pulled her into his office. By the time she got out of there, her mood was spoiled and she was now running behind.
As Andy hurried to the locker room, she met up with Traci in a similar rush and equally foul mood. Apparently Dex had let her and Leo down once again, and she was now trying to convince herself that keeping Leo's family together was still the right thing to do. It was definitely getting to be a harder and harder task.
After Traci vented, it was Andy's turn to let loose. Evidently Luke decided it was time to go to the fishing cabin again and he wanted to go tomorrow night after work. Andy couldn't believe he would choose midweek to go again. What was wrong with waiting for a weekend when she was off? But she knew the answer to that…he rarely took a whole weekend off. Not that she really even wanted to make the trip at all.
As they finished getting dressed, Andy confessed to Traci that she didn't want to go, but she didn't know how to get out of it.
They both collapsed onto a bench with heavy sighs. "I think we both need to do some real soul searching Andy. Sometimes you do something for what you think are the right reasons, but it still doesn't end up being the right thing in the end. Why do we do keep doing this to ourselves when we're not happy?"
Andy didn't have an answer and before she could think of what to say; Noelle popped her head in. "Now, Rookies! Best is on his way."
The girls jumped up from the bench and ran out, hurrying to their seats without looking at anyone. Sam was disappointed; he usually got a small smile or a wave from his partner but today she was deep in thought. He couldn't help but wonder what Callaghan had done now. He had seen Andy come in this morning and she had seemed to be in a decent mood so he was anticipating a good day. But then Callaghan had called her into his office and she had come out a totally different person. Why she put up with him, Sam would never know.
He continued to watch Andy, barely registering anything that Best was saying. She was clearly upset about something and he knew she was over thinking it; he could only hope that it was how to break it off with the golden boy. He smiled at the thought.
The second Frank was finished talking, Andy shot out the door. She didn't stop to talk to Sam or make any arrangements; she was just out of there with the frown planted firmly on her face. She headed straight for the locker room, and Sam could only assume that she'd meet him at the car as usual.
Where Andy was angry, Traci was more resigned. She had chosen this for herself and another day sitting at the desk with hours and hours to regret it was getting to her. She really wasn't in a hurry to get her day started, and the anger was slowly creeping up on her again.
Sam knew Traci and Andy were close and since Andy had made herself scarce, he thought maybe he could get an indication from Traci on how his day was going to go. He got more than he bargained for though.
"What's eating McNally?" Sam asked as he fell into step with Traci.
She was too distracted by her own predicament to give much thought as to whether or not she should be having this conversation. "Homicide Luke wants to go to the fishing cabin tomorrow night." Traci complained on Andy's behalf.
"So?" Sam responded. "She's been there before hasn't she?" He knew that only too well, and he wasn't any happier about it this time.
Traci turned on him then, her anger finally manifesting itself and he happened to be the closest target. What was it with men? Why can't they just get it?
"She didn't even want to go the first time, what in the hell makes you think she wants to go now?" Traci exploded before she could even register what she had said. Shit.
"What?" Sam practically yelled causing half the division to turn and look. Swarek's in one of his moods again.
"Nothing…forget I said anything." Traci instructed, running for the women's locker room.
"Nash!" He was definitely yelling this time as he trailed after her.
She wasn't going to let him catch up, though. She knew she blew it but she'd rather suffer Swarek's wrath than Andy's. He wasn't her best friend.
She dove into the locker room like she was about to be attacked. When she came face to face with a perplexed Andy, she realized that she may have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. How could she explain away this one?
"Nash! Get out here!" Sam hollered again.
Andy's eyes widened. "Was that Sam?"
"Yeah." Traci confirmed quietly.
"He sounds mad." Andy noted. "What did you do?"
Traci wasn't ready to tell Andy exactly what happened, hoping maybe it would just go away. "I may have said something I shouldn't have."
"Traci, I have to work with the man all day." Andy grumbled.
Traci just realized the ramifications of that. Crap, he was not going to let it go. And if he doesn't get it out of me, he would more than likely try to get it out of Andy. This was not going to go away.
Noelle came up behind Sam. "Stop skulking outside the ladies change room Swarek."
"I need to talk to Nash." He stated simply.
Noelle was surprised by his response; normally he would fire a smart remark right back at her. But his sense of humor seemed to have abandoned him. He must really be pissed.
She still enjoyed goading him though. "Well, that's a switch; aren't you usually hoping to find McNally in there?"
"Very funny, Noelle. Now go get Nash for me."
"No can do, Sammy; she's got work to do."
Noelle poked her head in the room and was shocked at the look of panic on Traci's face. She must have really done something if she was that afraid of Swarek and taking refuge in the locker room.
She saw the relief on Traci's face when she realized it was only her. "Nash let's go; I've got some files I have to go over with you."
"OK. Wait for me." Traci practically begged, jumping for the door.
"I'll meet you out at the front."
"No…I'll walk with you." Traci offered.
"What the hell did you do?"
"You don't want to know."
Noelle let Traci walk beside her and shook her head when Traci shifted to the side farthest away from Sam, shirking away from the glare she got from him.
Andy finished up quickly and could only hope that Sam's mood wasn't that bad as she made her way out of the room. She expected to meet him out at the car, but he had remained just outside the door waiting for her. He didn't look mad, but she couldn't get a read on exactly how he was feeling.
"Let's go." He grumbled.
It definitely wasn't happy.
The first half hour of the ride was completely quiet aside from some background radio chatter. Sam soon decided that if he wanted to get to the bottom of Traci's confession, it was best to get it from Andy anyway. "Big plans tomorrow night?"
How did he know? Is that what Traci said to him? Damn her.
"I guess."
"You guess?" Sam couldn't believe it. "Callaghan wants an encore at the Love Shack and all you can do is guess?"
"What do you want me to say, Sam?"
"The truth Andy. You know you're not fooling anyone."
"Fooling anyone?" She had no idea where this conversation came from or where it was going.
Sam spelled it out for her. "I want you to tell me why you don't want to go."
"What?"
"Your friend Nash told me you don't want to go." He explained as he pulled onto a side street and parked.
He turned to her. "But even more importantly, she said you didn't want to go the first time. Is that true?"
How could she?
After a long pause, Andy finally answered in barely a whisper. "Yes."
"Then why did you go?" He asked his tone noticeably softer.
"Because it was what it was." She said with a shrug of her shoulders.
Sam had already regretted those words more than once and he really didn't want to do it again, but he had to know. "What do you mean?"
She looked out the window as she replayed the memory.
"When I came back to work that day, I was trying to figure out how to tell Luke I didn't want to go. I had spent the whole week thinking about that night. It just didn't feel right to go with him, when I was starting to feel things for you." She explained, taking a quick glance at Sam from the corner of her eye.
"But you still went."
"I didn't have any reason not to."
"But you just said…"
"When I finally had the chance to tell Luke that I didn't want to go, you had already told me 'it was what it was'. It hurt more than it probably should have, and I was even more confused. Even though you wanted nothing to do with me, I still didn't think I wanted to go. But when I tried to tell Luke, he told me that you said I was all his. I knew then that it didn't matter what I was feeling; because you weren't feeling it too. So I decided to give Luke another chance."
"I only said you were all his because he said it was your idea to go. I thought that you had made your choice and it wasn't me."
"Technically, it was my idea" She held up her hand when Sam tried to interrupt. "But we hadn't talked about it since we first got together and I had said offhand that it would be fun. I definitely did not choose that day to go; that was the last thing on my mind. I actually spent most of the night out on the steps looking at the water, trying to figure out what I felt for Luke and mourning the loss of what I never had with you."
Sam watched Andy gaze out the window as if she was back on the steps. It made him sad to think how one thoughtless sentence had just snowballed. "I was hurt when Callaghan said that you wanted to go to the cabin. I thought that night meant nothing to you, that maybe I was just a warm body to make you forget. I thought you must have regretted it so I said that to protect myself and let you off the hook."
"Sam, you could never be just that to me." She assured him, as she reached out to cover his hand with hers. "You are always there for me and I knew that the only person who could make me feel better that night was you. I knew it was against the rules, but I was so lost and I needed someone to help me find myself and you were the only one I wanted. I can't count on a lot of people Sam, but I have always counted on you and you don't let me down."
"Clearly I did that time."
"You were hurt."
"It did hurt Andy, more than it probably should have." He admitted, echoing her previous words. "But that's because I was feeling things for you too, way more than I know I should have and it clouded my judgment both days. As your Training Officer, I should have turned you away, but I couldn't. You meant so much to me…mean so much to me. God, why are you still with him Andy? You know you can't count on him."
"I really don't know, Sam. Mainly because he's safe I guess; because I know he can't hurt me. You and I weren't even really together, yet when you distanced yourself it hurt…more than you know. I guess I'm just scared to open myself up to that. I do like Luke, and my feelings for him don't scare me."
"If you're not scared, why don't you want to go this time?"
"I think because it reminds me that that's all it is. I like Luke, and it's safe. But going away for the weekend means something or at least it should mean something, and I should be excited but I'm not. It just makes me think that maybe I'm fooling myself."
She looked like she wanted to say more and Sam could tell. "And?"
"And it reminds me of the last time. It dredges up all those memories and I have trouble denying that the same reason isn't still there."
Sam felt his pulse race. "That you have feelings for me?"
She nodded her head answering in nearly a whisper. "Yes."
"Then don't go with him...and not just to the fishing cabin. Don't go with him anywhere Andy." Sam knew he was practically begging, but he didn't care. "I feel it too."
"You've been pretty good at hiding it."
"Because I thought he was what you wanted. I thought you were happy and I love you enough to want that for you. If I had known that you weren't, I would have put up more of a fight and I sure as hell would have stopped pushing you back to him."
Andy was completely dumbfounded, and all she could do was stare blankly back at Sam. He looked over at her and was surprised at the complete shock on her face. He thought back over what he just said wondering why she looked at him that way.
…I love you enough to want that for you. They would have to go into that later; right now there were more important matters to take care of.
"We're going back to the station for lunch and you're going to tell Callaghan." He declared, breaking her out of her trance.
"Tell him what?" Andy asked, the panic apparent in her voice.
"That you don't want to go...that you can't see him anymore."
"What?"
"Andy, you don't love him."
She knew it was true, and he could see it in her eyes. "Do you think you can ever love him?"
She knew she couldn't, he could never make it past Sam. She shook her head. "No."
"Then you have to do it. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to me and even though I've never been a fan, it's not fair to Callaghan either. Especially if he thinks that there's a chance for something more. If you don't see a future with Luke, you have to let go. It's never going to be what you want it to be. Safe isn't enough for a lifetime."
"I know."
"But Andy…Andy." He repeated, waiting for her to look at him. "What we could have just might be. I can make you happy, Andy. You just need to let me."
"Sam I don't want to get hurt again."
"Andy, I'm sorry but I can't guarantee that you won't; I can't even guarantee that to myself. But I can guarantee that I will never do it on purpose, and you have to know that I'm just as scared of getting hurt as you are. But I think it's worth taking that chance. You're worth taking that chance."
She looked at Sam and knew he was right. She didn't love Luke, and as scared as she was about being hurt, she was more scared of living life without Sam.
She nodded.
Sam let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding. He couldn't wait for lunch to get here and for Andy to be free; he finally had a shot at getting everything he had hoped for. When he spoke to Traci that morning he would never have guessed that this was how his day was going to go.
The rest of the morning seemed to drag on as they only had to handle a few minor traffic incidents. When it was finally noon, they made their way back to the station and Andy went straight to Luke's office to talk to him.
Sam watched the door close behind her and decided that he wanted to talk to Traci; he needed to thank her.
Traci had just finished a call when she looked up and saw Sam walking determinedly towards her. She looked around and Andy was nowhere to be found. Shit. What was she going to do if Andy refused to talk to Sam? They could have been fighting all morning. And now Sam looked like he really wanted to talk to her, but she really couldn't tell him anymore; she'd already done enough by breaking Andy's confidence the first time.
She weighed her options. Was it better to run and hide and hope he and Andy could work it out on their own? But what if he followed her? Maybe it was better to face the music and take advantage of the fact that there would be witnesses out front. He wouldn't do anything in front of everyone…would he?
Sam approached Traci and she stood her ground, trusting that he wouldn't air Andy's dirty laundry in front of anyone else.
"Hey, Sam." She said, internally cursing the crack in her voice.
"Nash, can I talk to you for a minute…in private."
A couple of officers at nearby desks raised their eyebrows thinking it no doubt had to do with McNally.
"I can't really leave the front." She refused.
Her partner at the desk was about to tell her she could go, when Traci shot him a look. She clearly did not want to go with Swarek and the officer got the message loud and clear. He immediately put his head down and went back to work.
"Are you sure you want to do this here?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
I really hope so. "Yep."
"OK."
Sam smiled and held out his hand for her to shake. She looked down at it in confusion but then reached out to take it. Clearly he was not as angry as he was before and if he was extending the olive branch, she wasn't about to refuse. I will definitely be asking Andy how this happened.
As Sam grasped her hand, he pulled her into an awkward hug. What the hell?
"Thank you." He whispered into her ear before quickly releasing her; even this small show of emotion at the station was totally out of character for him and he had already drawn enough attention to himself.
"For what?" She asked.
Sam turned Traci around to face the back and whispered. "Her."
Andy had just come out of Luke's office looking a little worse for wear but with a definite weight off her shoulders. Traci watched as the sadness completely disappeared from her eyes the second they met Sam's.
"Did she just..."
"Yeah."
"Damn."
Andy walked towards her best friend and her partner feeling so much lighter. They moved forward to meet her and get away from prying ears.
"How'd it go?" Sam asked, his voice full of concern.
"Not really well; I kind of took him by surprise." She admitted guiltily. "I felt terrible, but it just confirmed to me that I did the right thing. I really didn't mean to, but I was leading him on. And you're right; it wasn't fair to do that anymore. I think it's going to be pretty uncomfortable for quite awhile."
Sam just nodded his head in understanding. As much as he didn't like Luke, he felt bad for him. He knew he was missing out on something great.
Andy turned to Traci and dropped her chin. "And you…"
Traci looked sheepish. "I'm sorry, Andy. I was having a really bad morning and it just came out. I really didn't mean to say anything."
Before she could go any further, Andy stopped her with another hug. "It's ok Traci. Turns out it was the best thing that's ever happened to us."
"Us?" Traci teased.
Andy grinned and nodded. There was definitely an 'us'.
Traci smiled. She had not seen her friend this happy in a long time and she had never seen Swarek so content. She watched them walk away together and had a feeling she would be seeing that picture for a long time to come.
Andy did it. She thought. Granted she had a little push, but still she did it…and she was so much happier.
Traci couldn't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, it was the push that she needed too.