Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, the song, or Charlotte Martin. If I did, well, I wouldn't still be in school.

On Your Shore – Charlotte Martin

I dig my heels into the dirt

'Cause this one's gonna hurt

Won't let the waves wash me away

Is what I always pray

In my heart I know you couldn't see

In the dark or find your way through me

Now I'm alone, my hands are numb

How do I carry on?

I guess I should have known when I told Meredith to put me out of misery that she would. I guess I thought she wouldn't take it so literally or do it so soon, though. I thought maybe we'd do some talking first. Talking. Talking is good. But Meredith. Meredith and Me… We were never good at the communication thing. She avoids. That's what she does. And I hover. But we don't talk. About important stuff, anyway.

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die

Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?

At one time, I was drowning. And Meredith saved me. She didn't even realize she saved me. Before Addison came back. Before Mark moved to Seattle. Before…Everything. When things were easier. When we were in the 'getting to know you' phase in the relationship. Before I screwed everything up by not telling Meredith about Addison.

Now I'm held hostage in my head with every word you said

God all those lessons in my past I spit them out so fast I

See myself

With you I act so small see myself with you I always crawl

So someone leave a raft for me the water's getting deep

I realize it was a mistake not telling Meredith. I do. But how do you tell your girlfriend that you're married? And have been married for so many years? Even then, the communicating thing between us wasn't good. The sex, though. That was good. Amazingly good. Amazingly mind blowingly good. If there is one thing Meredith and I can do, it's sex.

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die

Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?

Maybe if we had been better at communicating I would have known the depth at which Meredith's mother affects her. Even though Mer says she's used to it, she's clearly not. If she was used to that kind of abuse, she just wouldn't be human. This time she was drowning and I didn't even realize that she was barely keeping herself above water. Until it was too late.

Here I am in my insecurity

Here I am with my damaged dignity

Here I am you're pulling me in too deep

Here I am

Here I am, I'm in the mercy seat

Here I am, running without my feet

Here I am, oh what's come over me

Here I am

But is it fair to put the whole blame on me? I'm a neurosurgeon. Not a psychologist. Or psychiatrist. I might have seen the signs… Okay. I did see the signs. I just didn't want to see the signs. What clearer sign could there be than when I had to pull Meredith out of the bathtub? Who wants to see the signs that the girl they love might try to kill herself?

When I was melting in your hand you didn't understand

You slip through me like grains of sand you still don't understand

Overboard I'm thrown out to see what you are and what I mean to me

But I will always have my dream where you can swim to me

I love Meredith. I do. I've loved her since… Forever. Does that make sense? I mean, that night in the bar, all I wanted was a drink. Something alcoholic and potent. Something to numb the pain and make me forget. Forget Addison, forget Mark, forget everything in New York. I was not anticipating on the tiny blonde in the tight black dress. I was also not anticipating on meeting someone that I could easily spend the rest of my life with on my first day in town, after I had just found my wife in bed with my best friend.

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die

I've been on your shore before and it was no waste of time

Over my head and in my mind

Am I washed on your shore and barely alive

Am I washed on your shore and barely alive

Would I have changed things and not gone to the bar, knowing what I know now? Of course not. Would I have changed other things? Yes. I would have told Meredith about Addison from the get go. And I would have chosen Mer when she asked me to. I just never thought we would end up here.