She sits fidgeting, both unsure of and uncomfortable with herself in this space. She knows it's not rational, but she can't seem to calm her nerves as they run away with her heartbeat. She lets out a breath and lifts her eyes to the sign hanging from the ceiling across from her; watches as it sways gently in the stream of warm air coming from the heating vent.
"Welcome Home."
She considers the hidden meaning in that and smiles inwardly, even as the nervousness begins to show in her trembling fingers. She fights again to tie the tiny bow she has been working with, and finally getting it right, smooths the silver paper over the small gift-box she has balanced precariously on her knee. She spent an hour earlier just staring at it, wondering if it could really express so much more than just her words could convey. She's new at this and as scared as she is, she's equally passionate about what the tiny thing inside the carefully wrapped box means.
"Oh darling, don't worry!" Martha's effervescence momentarily shatters her concentration, and she looks up and smiles as the older woman enters the room, her arms outspread, her smile wide and beaming; motioning to the fruits of their dual labor as the smell of pancakes begins to waft in from the kitchen.
Her eyes track Martha's movements and she nods. She knows she is being ridiculous, but she can't help but feel preemptively out of place in this impending family reunion. Castle's love for his daughter is like nothing she has ever seen or experienced. It's a love that terrifies her in its ferocity, and as much as she loves him, and loves Alexis, she can not begin to imagine the emotional devastation he has experienced over the last several days. She has tried to be his touchstone, but the walls he built were so high, it would have taken her a millenia to scale them.
It has been her first taste of what she spent four years doing to him, and it hurts. When every cell in her body wanted nothing more than to be close to him, to breathe in his scent, and wrap him in the safety of her arms at night, he had pushed her away. When before they would steal moments just to be near one another, clandestine fingers connecting over a coffee mug, now he couldn't bring himself to touch her. Intellectually she knows he is in pain, and that he is compartmentalizing. Emotionally she resolves never to admit to him just how badly it hurts.
Martha's gaze lands on hers, and immediately sensing the younger woman's inner turmoil, she makes her way over to the couch and sits next to Kate; taking one of Kate's hands in her own.
"Kate, look at me." Martha commands, searching her face.
Kate sighs, then takes the package balanced on her lap and gently sets it on the arm of the couch before turning to regard her seriously. There were few times Kate looked at Martha and saw Rick, but sitting here with his mother's hand grasping hers, feeling the strength beat into her with every soft thump of the woman's pulse, Kate realizes exactly where he gets his irrational optimism. "I just..." She bites her bottom lip and tries to keep her trembling emotions in check; considering her words carefully. "This is a time for family, and I'm-"
"Don't." Martha cuts her off, vehemently shaking her head. "You are family. You've been family for a long time."
Kate tries to continue, her voice breaking with emotion. "But Alexis-"
"Loves you." Martha finishes, reaching an arm behind Kate and pulling her close. "Since she was 14 years old, Kate, you are the closest thing to a mother she's had." Martha lets her eyes drift to the framed photo of Alexis with Meredith next to the couch.
Kate tries desperately to hold onto a sob; the words hitting her hard and soft all at once as a tear escapes and slips down her cheek. The truth is, she had been terrified. The moment she heard the girl's ringtone, the realization had dawned that she too was missing, and it knocked the breath right out of her.
Martha looks from the photo frame back to Kate, her eyes fierce. "You're here and she's not. I could call her a hundred times, you could leave her yet another urgent message about her daughter, but she isn't here. You are."
Kate nods, the tears falling freely now.
Martha squeezes her gently. "...and to tell you the truth, you're the only mother I would want for my grandchildren."
Kate startles and pulls back, confused. When a Cheshire cat-like grin begins to spread on Martha's face, Kate regards her with a frightened look. "How did you-" she begins incredulously; her pulse tripping, making her feel lightheaded.
Martha reaches for her hand again, her smile illuminating the room. "When will you and Richard learn that I know everything?"
Kate stands, bringing a hand to her chest in a useless attempt to slow the pounding of her heart. "I...I haven't even told him yet, given the circumstances."
Martha nods in understanding as Kate begins to pace the room.
Nine weeks. A routine physical, and suddenly she was nine weeks pregnant. She was still trying to wrap her brain around the massive failure of her body to send her so much as a smoke signal, when Alexis went missing. After that, nothing seemed to matter. Nothing but finding her partner's daughter, whatever the cost.
"I had no idea." Kate continues, teeth worrying her bottom lip. "Not until four days ago." She sighs before turning again to look at Martha.
Martha stands and approaches Kate carefully, her hands clasped in front of her. "I could have told you a few weeks before that."
Kate lets out a chuckle, her racing heart beginning to slow, and she reaches out to hug Martha, clutching her tightly. "Thank you." She breathes into the older woman's hair. "For everything Martha...thank you."
Martha smiles against her and squeezes. "Kiddo, you have nothing to thank me for."
They stand in each others embrace for several more moments before releasing and making their way back to the couch. Martha curls into the cushions and reaches for a magazine from the coffee table while Kate picks up the small silver package from the arm, and taking a seat in its place, cradles the package in one palm while running her fingers over the carefully calligrophied "Alexis."
She has never given the girl a gift before, and if she is being honest with herself, she isn't sure it's her place. What she does know is that she loves Rick Castle and Alexis is a piece of him, just as the tiny thing growing inside of her is a piece of him. It isn't just the fear of nearly losing Alexis that connects her to the girl. It is now the realization that her child will be forever connected to her.
The door to the loft opens as a smiling Rick and Alexis step through. Martha leaps from the couch to greet her granddaughter, arms open wide, and Kate slips the silver package between the cushions before making her way to Rick and pulls him into a tight embrace.
"I'm so glad you're okay." She breathes, and he sighs into her neck, his arms wrapped securely around her. She pulls back to look into his eyes, her need for him to know her fear, all over her face. "Please don't do anything like that again without me."
He smiles at her and her heart backflips. "I won't."
She reaches for his face and brings it to hers, pressing a kiss against his lips as hot tears spring to her eyes. She loves this man, and the thought of nearly losing him is very close to breaking her. As much as she wants to yell at him, to let the tears roll, and to tell him everything, someone else must come first. She smiles, releasing her hold on him as her hands drift down his chest, then turns to Alexis. "Hi!" She enthuses, pulling the girl against her and holding on tight.