"Maybe summer"
His voice kept drumming through my ears. He sounded so indifferent. I watched his silhouette as he walked further down the street to his house. I could hear Bobby inside watching the game, and I couldn't quite go inside just yet. Bobby and Sam always could read my face. I haven't figured out how to hide from them.
I felt like such a dick. A complete and honest dick. It took for Gabe to tell me that Cas was dying for me to get my head out of my ass. Cas was the best I could have had as a kid, and I threw it away for popularity. On this side of the situation, it seems so dumb I let that get in the way. Cas was there for me when it mattered most. When Mom and Dad passed, Bobby moving in, Sam not completely understanding what happened. Cas was there. And the first chance I got, like an asshole, I jumped ship.
When I got on the middle school swim starters team I was ecstatic. There hadn't been much other than my family and Cas that I had to myself. But swimming? It felt good to be a part of something, to belong somewhere, to not be the kid with the dead parents. I let it get to my head, teammates would always wonder why I hung around 'that weird guy'. At first I would defend Cas, but slowly I just stopped until I didn't see Cass anymore. As more time went on, I just figured Cas wouldn't ever forgive me, why would he? But then Gabe came over.
For some reason Gabe never disappeared from our house like Cas's gradual fade. He never missed an opportunity to give me shit about it though. I would ask how Cas was, and he snarkily reply for me to ask him myself. I would shrug him off as I'd leave the dining room and he'd go back to being tutored by a kid 5 years younger than him. At the beginning of the year when I overheard Gabe telling Sam about Cas, I couldn't help but listen. I froze in the hall outside of the living room, listening to Gabe talk about how Cas's condition had worsened, how he limited time, and the doctor's have tried anything.
Condition? What condition? I wanted to storm in there and demand for Gabe to tell me everything. Even if Cas and I hadn't spoken for years, I still cared. How I could I not? I tried as hard as I could with my social status to make sure Cas was never subject to bullying, even though snide remarks about him within my group happened often, for what I could see nothing had culminated of them. I would always be attuned if he was in the room. Black hair always in a just-rolled-out-bed look, clearest blue eyes I'd ever seen, and pale skin that stretched forever the more he grew. He stayed thin and lithe, never seeming to gain the muscle that I did. He was always hooked up to his headphones, never a part of anything in school, and a book in his hand.
"Maybe summer." Kept drilling in my head. How was I so stupid to let years slip away, and now confirmed by Cas himself his time was short. I pulled my hair in frustration. He never talked about it. I didn't want to push with our friendship on thin ice; it was building, but was it enough? There was still so much of him that was familiar, but I found myself noticing more now that I've allowed myself to be closer. Like how pale and smooth the section of neck that shows in his v-neck t-shirts looks, how long his lashes are, black and soft against his sharp cheekbones, or that his ass fills jeans better than some girls. And then I have to shake my head because those kinds of thoughts are causing all sorts of confusing messages in my body.
I hear Bobby shut off the TV and go down the hall to his room I assume. I gauge that it's safe to go inside, and lock the door behind me. I glance in the dining room to see Sammy scratching away on his homework.
"Hey, dude." I walk past him to the fridge to get a soda.
"Hey," he said distracted, as he turned a book page, "how was Castiel?"
I shrugged, "He's fine, I guess. Nothing really new."
Sam put down his pencil slowly and turned to face me, chewing on his bottom lip as he studied me, eyes squinted, "Nothing new?"
"Nope, nothing new." I needed to cut this short. I couldn't face Cas's time in the open yet. "Don't stay up too late, little man"
"I'm not little. I'll hit my growth spurt soon, jerk."
"Bitch." I smirked going around the corner and up the stairs to my room. Least some things don't change.
It was nearing Halloween, and I wanted to ask Cas what he was doing. All of my swim friends have been trying to get a solid answer from me if I was going to Lisa's bash, but I wasn't sure if I wanted my last high school Halloween spent like I spent the rest of them. I watched Cas from afar in art. It never seemed like he talked much to his tablemates, and I never saw him with anyone at lunch. Did Cas have any friends? I couldn't conjure up a face of anyone I saw with him, other than the occasional glimpse of Kevin Tran talking to Cas in the hall.
It's started getting chilly at night, and the late night park visits have gotten less and less. Swim practice started taking up more of my after school time, and night to homework with Sammy. Without the grades, I couldn't stay on the team. I watched Cas stroll out the lunch doors outside, presumably to the tennis courts again. After pushing my mostly full tray of food to the middle of the table, I got up to follow him. My friends gave me some strange looks, but I ignored them for now.
The sky was crappy and overcast, and there was a pretty chilly light wind blowing. I saw Cas's dark huddle on the courts across the lot. I jogged over and entered, the fence metal biting my fingers. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I approached him. He looked asleep, I could hear heavy rock blasting in his headphones. How was he not deaf?
"Hey, Cas!" I shook his arm as I plopped down next to him. He startled, a funny shout from his lips.
"Jesus, Dean. Scared the crap out of me." He pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands, his legs up under the fabric.
"What are doing out here? It's getting pretty cold."
"I don't like the noise." I laughed.
"The noise? What about what you're listening to? I could feel my ears bleeding from how loud it was." He smiled, I felt warmth swell in my chest. I liked making him smile.
"What are you doing for Halloween?" I looked down so he couldn't make eye contact. I noticed since rekindling this thing he can still tell when I'm nervous, or lying, or anything else for that matter.
"Halloween? Uh…I don't know I guess. Hadn't really thought about it. We stopped doing candy for kids because Gabe kept eating it all before kids could get to us."
I snorted, Gabe. "You could…" I coughed, "…you could come to our house."
"Your house?"
"Yea, you know, if you wanted…just watch movies or something. Sammy's too old for trick or treating."
"What about Lisa Braeden's party?"
I looked up to see Cas looking intently at his shoes, his brow furrowed in a concentrated look. He was picking at some scuffed rubber on the sole. "What about the party?"
He looked at me, blue eyes skeptical, dark eyebrow raised, "The fact you go every year?"
I grinned, "How do you know I go every year?"
This was a new game we seem to play. Ever since we've been on speaking terms again, we try to catch how much the other was keeping tabs. It was refreshing honestly, and relieving for me. I felt less like a psycho with Cas wondering how I was while we had years apart. I saw the pink flush his cheeks as he tucked his face down into the hoodie. "I just don't feel like it this year. It's my last year, and last with Sammy before I graduate. Just kinda wanted to bum at home. Watch scary movies, see if I can freak Sammy out for a month."
"That sounds like fun." He said quietly, but his cheeks were lifted to his eyes, though I couldn't see his mouth, I knew he was smiling again.
"Soooo, means you wanna come over? Help me in my mission to scare Sammy."
He looked down again, thoughtful. He was always thinking, blue eyes always clouded, "Yea, sure. That'd be nice."
"Awesome, I'll tell Sam. He'll be stoked." I leant back against the fence next to him. And as I relaxed in the companionable quiet, Cas's arm against mine, I felt a sense of calm I hadn't felt in a long time. There was nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.